[musinglizzy]

It's just gone. I don't feel it after our disagreement... I think to move forward, I'm gonna need it. I should talk to my T about it, I know... but just not sure I can bring that stuff up right now. I think we've both changed somewhat... I know I'm more skeptical, less trusting, but trying. And I know she's less open, she must not want me to text anymore because she's not responding to them, and she just seems more business-like than she was before. I probably do too. I need to overcome this. We typically really work well together. She's good for me, even if sometimes I don't want to admit it. I don't know if therapy is for me, but I do know that I wouldn't want to see anyone else, I want to fix this. She's all I have. But I think I'm pushing her away too. Guess I'm just venting. I know my answer. I need to talk to her. I think if I felt more connected, everything else would fall into place a little bit easier. I lost it, and I need to get it back. I'm feeling like I'm failing at therapy.

[A Red Panda]

To start: I don't know any of the background information so my response is based just off of this thread.

It might be worth trying to explore why your feeling of connection has been cut off after a disagreement. In any and all relationships there will be many disagreements, and knowing how to remain connected to the person despite the disagreements is essential.

I'd lay off on the text messages though. It's not very polite (or professional) of her to not tell you if she wants to end that privledge with you. But continuing to text won't help the situation either.

It's also not very cool of your T to also be acting more business-like. It's part of her job to help you form healthy connections, not to cut you off without talking things through. But then again, there's a chance that it could just be your preception on the situation based upon your own lost feeling of connection.

I hope it'll get cleared up somewhat when you talk to your T next.

But, sometimes we need to disconnection to create a connection. We dismantle to recreate.

[musinglizzy]

All good points, thank you for the replies! Yes, I'm laying off the texting.

Mouse, I didn't think of it that way.... wow! That'd be therapy, huh? I think I suck at creating...so perhaps there's meaning behind it all.

A Red Panda... trying to make it as short as I can... T, for several months, as needed, would sit by me and offer me a shoulder, and I found it very healing for me. I walked out of there with more confidence, self worth, and it just made me feel safe in there... It's unfortunate I never thought to discuss it with her in the beginning. I asked her the first time, she initiated all of the others herself. She took it away, and didn't tell me. It took me nearly a month to notice it, and I asked her. She said that's not her modality, and she strayed from it for a limited period of time. My argument isn't that she took it away so much, as it is that she didn't talk to me at all about it. If she knew it was temporary in the beginning, I wish she would have talked to me about it. But, it wasn't discussed...and she didn't discuss it with me, or even just let me know, when she was taking it away...I figured it out on my own and asked her. We spent several Emails and two sessions talking about it.... but I could tell she was getting frustrated with me. She didn't see the need to continue discussing this when there were more important things to discuss. I told her this was important to me RIGHT NOW, and I needed to process it. In the end, I quit talking about it because I knew she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I know that was the wrong reason, but I thought I'd overcome it on my own. I lost a great deal of trust, I can feel it. So I question everything (in my head) now, including the connection, lack of response to texts, etc etc. I was sure she was going to terminate me and finally talked to her about it, where she assured me she wasn't. I believe her. But I still think it could happen, either by my doing, or ours mutually. I know I haven't taken this impasse very well, and I thought time would heal it...but it's still there. I'm unable to open up completely in sessions, but I really try. She's been good at getting things going rather than me starting things off. She's picking up my slack. She used to disclose some, and she's not disclosed ANYTHING since. I feel like I'm a pain in the ***. Anyway...I'll stop here. But there's a thread on here somewhere titled something like Touch in therapy....it's gone. Started by me. It's all there. I'm sure the feeling a lack of connection IS me and my perception of it. Of course it is. Just don't know how to move past it. Well, yeah, I do...I know what I need to do.

[musinglizzy]

Here's the original thread.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...-its-gone.html

[stopdog]

I don't know about connection. I think generally not despising the therapist is a better plan for me but I don't particularly seem connected to either of the ones I see. The second one understands what I am saying somewhat better than the first one, but I would not define that as me bing connected to that one. And the second one never understands what I am saying nor do I understand what she is trying to do when I let her speak. She can be useful, but not because there is connecting going on.

[musinglizzy]

I was waiting for you Stopdog...I thought of you when I wrote the post...and thought...oh...she will tell me for her, connection isn't a requirement! Thank you, as usual, for your input!

[stopdog]

If you want it, I see nothing particularly wrong with it. I don't understand how one becomes connected to one of those guys and I have found a use for therapists without it. So I don't find it a requirement.
What part makes it required do you think?

[musinglizzy]

I think in gaining trust. You have to feel some sort of trust to unload your garbage on these people, don't you?

[stopdog]

Mostly I find it easier to tell the first woman things because she does not know me and does not care. I generally believe she will stay back and if she doesn't that I have the ability to keep her back away from me. I suppose I trust her not to care and not to intrude on my real life.

[musinglizzy]

Is she (are they) providing you with suggestions on how to move forward, or is your therapy purpose to have someone just to talk to, without a lot of input? Unfortunately I'm at a point right now where I think my T is talking more than I am. The words just won't come out. Once she gets me going, I'm usually ok. I need to learn to get myself going though.

[stopdog]

I have not found the woman has any idea on how to move forward. I generally use her to tell things to that I don't tell others. I would think it to be a problem if the therapist talked a lot. I don't find them talking to be useful.

[NowhereUSA]

Idk. I feel like I need one. That being said, my T has told me that one does not need to even necessarily to like a T to do effective therapy. (My guess is anything short of dislike is workable?)

I gave him a critical eyebrow raise. :P

I happen to both like and connect to my T so I can't speak to any evidence of his claim.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have not found the woman has any idea on how to move forward. I generally use her to tell things to that I don't tell others. I would think it to be a problem if the therapist talked a lot. I don't find them talking to useful.

You always crack a smile out of me! The sad thing is, I'm quite sure you're straight faced when you're typing such things....lol

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Idk. I feel like I need one. That being said, my T has told me that one does not need to even necessarily to like a T to do effective therapy. (My guess is anything short of dislike is workable?)

I gave him a critical eyebrow raise. :P

I happen to both like and connect to my T so I can't speak to any evidence of his claim.

I'm just gonna go with that then... I don't think I'll find that connection anytime soon. It's not the T...it's me.

[laxer12]

I'm not sure if connection is necessarily what is needed but I think respect and understanding is. If you have respect for you T and your T has respect for you, then I think that allows for some great things to happen. Trust is also really important, if you can't trust your T, then you're going to hold back. So I don't think you have to like a T to have success and find them helpful but you do need a level of respect, trust, and understand between you two.

The thing I like most about my T is that she really does understand me and if she doesn't, she asks me to tell her more so that she does understand. I guess that could be defined as some sort of "connection" but it all depends on your definition.

[JustShakey]

When I've lost connection with my T in the past it has been because I put up a wall for whatever reason... And it was up to me to reconnect.
I think you're going to have to bring the issue up again ML. Maybe you could discuss your anger with having the comfort taken away, but make it clear you know it's not coming back. You have the right to be angry, but you don't have to right to pressure her to give it back to you. As frustrating as it may be, that's her boundary to do with as she pleases.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[stopdog]

I found that when the woman talked, she only stated the obvious or she spoke gibberish that had no bearing on what I was talking about (or if it did, she refused to explain - I did try asking- to no avail). The glaring obvious -like I would have had to be a complete moron not to have already known what she stated. I did not find having her stating the obvious or gibberish useful. She did complain that I never told her what she did was useful and I told her if anything she ever did was, I would let her know. But when I told her what a good job she did of staying back and not caring, she got a bit pissy and rolled her eyes - so I had to tell her that with that attitude I would not bother anymore.
It was actually her idea to stop talking - she said "it almost sounds like you don't want me to talk" and I said "I don't want you to talk but you keep doing it anyway - just stop" and she agreed to it.

[musinglizzy]

I respect her, yes. Trust I'm struggling with, but I'm struggling more with the fact that I am having trust issues to begin with, when I really don't have a good reason to. I think, for the most part, my T understands me probably better than I realize. I think she's got me figured out better than I have myself figured out.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

When I've lost connection with my T in the past it has been because I put up a wall for whatever reason... And it was up to me to reconnect.
I think you're going to have to bring the issue up again ML. Maybe you could discuss your anger with having the comfort taken away, but make it clear you know it's not coming back. You have the right to be angry, but you don't have to right to pressure her to give it back to you. As frustrating as it may be, that's her boundary to do with as she pleases.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks. Oh, no.... I'm not pressuring to get it back. That's not even a thought in my mind. I wish she would have talked to me is all. So I had an understanding before it happened. I don't like something changing, and me having to notice something's changed, and say something. I think it's happening again with texts. If she doesn't want them that's fine, but tell me. Instead, she just quit responding. I can take a hint. And I know from the last issue, that it's possible the texting boundaries may have changed too, and she hasn't just talked to me about it. But...I actually Emailed and mentioned it. So we'll see.

[stopdog]

I find the fact that the therapist was not direct and then her defensiveness to be the most disturbing part of the situation.

[JustShakey]

But they usually won't be direct on purpose. They want you to speak up for yourself. At least that's been my experience. You'll get nothing out of them if you 'take a hint' and quietly follow their lead. At the same time they won't give an inch if you push on *their* boundaries. I guess it's about modeling...

I've noticed too that they simply will not entertain wallowing. My T will ignore feeling-sorry-for-myself type emails (and from what I see on here it seems other Ts do too), or at least wait a day before responding, whereas if I send him something upbeat or insightful he'll respond right away.

Originally Posted by JustShakey

But they usually won't be direct on purpose. They want you to speak up for yourself. At least that's been my experience. You'll get nothing out of them if you 'take a hint' and quietly follow their lead. At the same time they won't give an inch if you push on *their* boundaries. I guess it's about modeling...

I've noticed too that they simply will not entertain wallowing. My T will ignore feeling-sorry-for-myself type emails (and from what I see on here it seems other Ts do too), or at least wait a day before responding, whereas if I send him something upbeat or insightful he'll respond right away.

My last therapists have been direct and I like that so much better than them trying to manipulate me somehow. I think a good therapist would take different approaches with different clients and work with them on what the client needs. Some might need a direct approach and some might not. Trying to guess what is going on because a therapist isn't being direct is just a waste of my time and the therapist's time.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

My last therapists have been direct and I like that so much better than them trying to manipulate me somehow. I think a good therapist would take different approaches with different clients and work with them on what the client needs. Some might need a direct approach and some might not. Trying to guess what is going on because a therapist isn't being direct is just a waste of my time and the therapist's time.

Yeah, I've been there having to guess what's going on because my T didn't realize that I didn't get it... I think, I'm still not sure what went on there...

That's not really what I meant though. I'm talking about when you know what needs to be said or done but you hold back and wait for your T to do it for you. A good T'll push you past your comfort zone there.

Oh, okay. That wasn't clear from what you said in your previous post. I don't know if that type of therapist would be good for me though. Maybe for some people. "Good therapist" is a relative term I think.