[Grace321]

Hi all,

I've seen these forums for a while and the great support given, I just couldn't bring myself to participate until now.

I'm having a crisis and hope you can give me an opinion. I've quit therapy, but now am wondering if I overreacted. Am I being too sensitive or actually being mistreated? I often have this type of confusion.

My therapist and I have had a rocky road. I know he cares, but has made many missteps, admittedly, but has helped me through a few big issues. He is very new at this. I think I was one of his first patients (I didn't know this).

He has apologized for a few hurtful things, though his explanation didn't make sense to me. It helped me to grow in that I usually run away but I actually returned and discussed it, accepted his apology, realizing that none of us are perfect.
Most times he is very caring and generous with his time, financially, and his support. I think he must have some sort of mental health issues also, as occasionally he can be mean/moody, which he joked about one day.
He has said a few really mean things, then didn't recall saying them! This is all over a 2 yr period. I have quit in my mind every month, and a few times in reality.
So I trust him to a certain extent, but not fully. He expects unconditional trust.
He has a huge ego, and is sometimes judgmental or insensitive. Then extremely caring! Not sure what's normal in this strange therapy world. I don't want to start over...

After a series of traumas, over time I have completely isolated myself. It's years now, and I had hit rock bottom and was suicidal when I decided to reach out one final time to see a Dr. I have grown attached to him and struggle with how attached I should be/ not be. I'm recently learning that I have trouble with social norms. When I am being too sensitive, or when I am being taken advantage of, etc.

Last month I was having a deep depression, and although I hate to contact him outside of appt hours I texted him (common for us to communicate by briefly, occasionally). I told him what was going on and asked if he had time at some point that day to text or talk. He did not respond.
Later that day I saw the message said 'read'. Now that word is gone (?)
As the day went by, and then the next, I was hurt, angry and felt neglected.

I have only texted him in a crisis one other time in over 2 yrs. That was a fiasco, and I consider my fault. I was angry that I had opened up about a huge issue, then was stuck with these unbearable feelings all week, on my own!
I lashed out, then turned off my phone. He DID respond and was very, very worried. When I finally saw his responses, he had gone through a lot, which I felt very bad about. He took responsibility for his part, as he says he misread and overreacted (he did). We discussed it and I thought put it behind us.

So recently when he didn't respond, I cancelled my weekly appt. I thought about it all week, then cancelled all further appts. Later he called, I didn't answer. Said he was surprised I terminated therapy. Then said he'd been "...having trouble with his text messages, and hoped he didn't mess...uh, miss anything from me."
So I basically cut off communication because I just can't fathom any acceptable reason he could offer. Therapy has been such a roller coaster here.

He either - didn't get the message, which for a super extremely techy person I find hard to believe.
He saw it - forgot to respond- human, yes, but another unprofessional instance. Understandable? Don't know. He IS very busy and overworked, sometimes scattered and forgetful. I think this is probably most likely.
He saw it - decided I needed to learn a lesson, since last time he responded and I 'caused' him much anxiety. (says he was driving, misread my message, overreacted. Probably more happened that he didn't say. He was def upset).

He really does not seem to see therapy as seriously as we patients do. Sometimes is inappropriate (not in a sexual way). Is very into promoting his specialty, CBT, so very into his statistics. Most of his CBT patients come and go and I have been there a 'long time', so it sometimes feels like I'm not a priority.

I'm rethinking, should I go and talk about this, or just move on. He has the power to hurt me. Should therapy be so difficult, aside from obvious personal issues.
I divorced, was a single parent, went back to school and worked two jobs. This therapy is harder than any of that!

Sorry to be so long-winded. Thanks sincerely for any and all input.

[kaliope]

i just see this relationship as having crossed professional boundaries with too much emotional attachment going on. a therapist should not be passing judgement nor should the give the impression that they expect absolute trust. punishing your therapist by cancelling appts and not returning calls should not be part of a relationship either. the question is, how much has he helped you? are you comfortable with him? i think a new therapist would be best, but if this relationship, as dysfunctional as it is, works for you then stay. it would be best to set some boundaries before proceeding though.

[Grace321]

Hi Kali, and thank you for replying. You're right, and I know this iin my gut. It's just hard to face. He has saved my life, but there are too many issues (more than I've said). I suppose the unhealthy is outweighing the healthy. I certainly never expected to get so attached to someone, a medical professional! Side note- I wonder if anything suggested in hypnosis sessions can play a part in this attachment.

Thanks again. I will muster up my courage and maturity.

[possum220]

My p'doc has a rule of thumb. "Has the time in therapy left you in a better place or worse place?" If you are in a worse place then you have your answer.

Two years is a long time and you would want to see some benefits in your own life. It seems like you need therapy just for seeing this practitioner.

[indigo1015]

I agree with the previous posts-- it's important to set boundaries when it comes to all relationships, and a counselor/patient relationship is no different, although it is harder than some because although it is a business relationship in a sense, it is also very personal. As possum said, consider if therapy has brought you to a better or worse place since you started. It may also be that your therapist was not right for you, remember they are human beings too, and human beings all have their own personalities, their own styles, their own way of reacting to and handling things. Also, they make mistakes... Best wishes for finding the help you need and continuing on the road to recovery :-)

[Virginia1991]

Originally Posted by possum220

My p'doc has a rule of thumb. "Has the time in therapy left you in a better place or worse place?" If you are in a worse place then you have your answer.

Two years is a long time and you would want to see some benefits in your own life. It seems like you need therapy just for seeing this practitioner.

This terrifies me. I am in a worse place. At least in my own head.

The relationship you describe reminds me a lot of my relationship with my first T. He was very well meaning and a lovely guy and I took some great positives from working with him, but he made a lot of missteps too. Like your T he was new to the profession and there were times he mishandled things so badly and really hurt me. His loose boundaries fostered attachment that he was ill-equipt to deal with.
I took a break from him and during that break I found another T who was much more solid and consistent, so the break became permanent. I don't know if it would be the right decision for you, but moving on to a new T was definitely the right thing for me.

[SubliminalThoughts]

Originally Posted by Grace321

Is very into promoting his specialty, CBT, so very into his statistics.

Two years is way more than enough time to see if a therapy technique will work. From what I read it seems like you haven't improved much. If hes not willing to change his therapy approach after two unsuccessful years then its time to move on. Its pretty ridiculous how your therapist is hell bent on one technique. Find a new one, there are better ones out there.

[musinglizzy]

One thing I got from reading your post is the number of times he overreacted/got upset/midread/etc. I know they are human too...and I know your T is new to this... but isn't part of their job/training to be able to maintain their composure and not let these things happen? I mean, some of the people they work with may not be stable enough to handle if their T overreacts. We go to a T for a variety of reasons, but I think if you think about it, oftentimes that reason can affect how our relationships are IRL...it may not be the main reason, but learning how to maintain secure relationships with people goes hand in hand with a lot of other issues. One thing we shouldn't have to worry about is fixing anything in our relationships with our T's....that shouldn't be on the list in my opinion, because that just means we've created another issue to deal with. T is supposed to be a safe relationship, and if it isn't, perhaps it's a clue to consider this T is not the right fit for you. It kind of sounds like perhaps there was too much emotional involvement on both your parts and maybe it's best to find a new T. there were a few red flags in your post for me.

You are looking for opinions, and I hope you don't mind my being honest, but just canceling sessions without discussion because you were upset he didn't respond probably isn't the way to deal with it. If you stay with him, perhaps ask him what you can expect...tell him the lack of response bothers you and see what he says. My T hasn't been responding to my texts lately either (I don't text a lot), but instead of letting it bother me I just decided I wasn't going to send her any texts. Then I wouldn't have any reply expectations/desires. No, I did not follow my own advice and ask her about it. Because really, it wasn't a huge deal for me. If it was, I would have. Now Emails is another story... and I did recently talk to her about my feelings on Email replies, and she was very understanding about it. I think it was an "aha" moment for her. She wouldn't have known if I hadn't told her.

ANyway, sorry I got lengthy, but my thought is, if you decide to stick with him, write a list of the things that bother you, and spend a session going over the list with him. Wishing you good luck in whatever you decide. It's your life. You have to do what you feel is right for you. Hugs to you! And Welcome!!

[Fuzzybear]

[tinyrabbit]

I agree about asking yourself if you're in a better place - I'm sorry to hear you aren't, but it's an important thing to have recognised. I know that, even when I've felt things are going catastrophically badly in therapy, I've felt like I'm in a better place as a result of it.

I am concerned that your therapist expects unconditional trust. Has he said this? I don't think any T can expect any amount of trust! They can try to earn the client's trust, but it's not a given.

I think maybe he genuinely messed up with the text, but the fact you feel as you do shows there are bigger issues and this has just kind of highlighted them. As he's a CBT therapist I'm also wondering if he's had his own therapy (in the UK CBT practitioners generally haven't).

Sounds like it might be time to try someone else who is a better fit for you.

[Grace321]

You guys are simply the best! I'm blown away. I'm sitting here tearing up because the love and caring that you all send is just overwhelming.
Every answer is so helpful. Gosh, this journey is a tough one at times, hearing people with such similar issues is incredible. Why didn't I do this a long time ago...

So briefly, I thought overall my T has a pattern of responding when I'm in need and good intentions. I decided to communicate, which felt good, and honestly wasn't looking for an actual answer. Once I emailed him, I felt a release; some growth. I had attempted to repair a relationship, whether it continued or not.

He emailed a lengthy, thought-provoking email. I thought it was quite helpful (but I can be quite naive). He explained how our minds can tell us lies, and that maybe there are possibilities and circumstances I hadn't thought of...he gave two elaborate scenarios, eluding to the fact that one had happened. If it did, he wouldn't have gotten my message. But then...

I thought about it a while, then emailed and asked if he had availability could I come in and talk about it? (which I really was nervous to ask or to do! And not sure if my 'slot' was given away). He didn't email back.
I thought, well, maybe that was immature of me to ask...just call in the am and make an appt. I called and left a voicemail the next day to make an appt.
That was days ago. and no one has called me back! Haha, I have to laugh. The office (his wife is the office manager/phone person) has never NOT returned a call.

This is odd...I think it really is time to move on...to the next phase of healing. I guess letting go doesn't mean you don't care. It's just hard. I will look for a new T though it knots up my stomach to even think about it!

I can't thank you all enough and I hope I can be of help to others here.
Peace

[Grace321]

To clarify, my T was apologetic, reassuring, and understood my being conflicted. He empathized and assured me that he understood my confusion in his return email
And that I shouldn't toss away over 2 years of kindness. So, to have no response to my trying to make an appt is so confusing! Geez.

I suppose a lesson for me in hoping to learn to trust others is to know my own truth and I won't be easily manipulated.

Some thoughts cuz this is a thought provoking discussion for me. I'm not there to be taking care of my T. We'd be the ones getting paid then. My current T said straight out. I can take care of myself. He trusted I could learn the skills to do the same. That was an important moment. I suddenly didn't feel I was a crazy person.Came into a session recently + noticed he had medical alert bracelet. He was feeling off, had tests. Had a pacemaker inserted. Guess that's what normal people do 😀. I think if my Veterinarian didn't return my call when my dog had a problem especially a request for an appointment, I wouldn't sit contemplating why or what was going on with him, I'd call again. No reply. I'd find my dog help elsewhere. Why shouId I be treat with less concern? My T gave me a list of his rules. When he'd be returning calls-- like after 3 for non ER. Under what circumstances I was required to call him. That was a longer list😕. Missing sessions, not calling, being late. It also seems to me we have to go thru some lousy Ts, incompetent Ts. Don't know who made that rule! We can outgrow our Ts. Sounds to me u may have done this. He may have been fine at the begining but now u need + want something better for yourself. That's great. Go get it👏👏.

You know, that is really strange because exactly the same thing happened with my first T. A couple of months into the break I emailed him and asked for an appointment to come back and I didn't get a response. Here is me freaking out about it: http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...ml#post4265423
When I didn't get a response from him I changed my mind about going back to him (because I realised these kind of rejection feelings were going to keep on happening). I phoned him about a week later and got a proper termination session with him but it was the lack of response from that email that made me realise it was time to move on. (He said he never got it, so I still don't know whether this was an email error or his wife's doing).
If you weren't in the US I would be thinking we had the same T, lol.
It has probably worked out for the best

((((Grace))))

[Grace321]

I thought my issue was petty and I was making too big of a deal. To hear similar experiences lets me know that I am not alone and my feelings are legitimate.
To think that I may have outgrown this T is a really interesting thing to think about. I have been thinking I need more from him/our sessions, so this makes sense.

Cavaliers, sorry to see that you're feeling anxious. I hope it lessons. Hugs to you, and thank you.
Echos, how odd to have such similarities. Then again, maybe it's not! I don't know. This therapy world is a strange one. I still keep trying to put my T into a category in my life and there isn't one! I hold them to a higher standard than I do my other Drs, but maybe that's not realistic. Live and learn