[growlithing]

I need to reflect for a second and collect myself. I didn't officially see LCM today. We just kind of talked for about 45mins over the course of the past few hours. And by talked, I mean...

She texted me asking if we were going to meet this week. I said I couldn't afford a $4 T pass to get there. She got MAD. She started texting me saying that she's done with my drinking and that I'll have to call her in a few weeks when I'm sober and can prove to her that I have my life together a little bit more. I asked if we could talk on the phone instead of over texting. She called me. She was furious. She said I need to gain her "trust" back. I said that I'm honest with her and she said that she knows that I'm honest with her and that she trusts that I will tell the truth but I guess she doesn't trust that I'll follow the rules. She said that she should have been harsher with me about drinking from the beginning. It was just a lot of "you need to figure out how to prove to me" stuff and she doesn't want to talk to me until I figure it out. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said "that's up for you to figure out. If one part of a relationship cheats and wants to leave but the cheating part wants to fix the relationship, it's the cheater's obligation to figure out how to fix it". I asked her if she wanted to not talk to me again and she said "oh my god no. You know that's not what I'm trying to say. I'm not leaving you. I just need you to not drink and be at least a little bit financially responsible". I basically just begged her to forgive me and tell me what to do because I need her support right now because my life is a complete mess and I'm facing having to go back to my parents' house and I need her support. I told her I don't think I can stop drinking while at their house without her support. I said I want to see her again before Sep. She basically said "well figure out how to convince me". I was crying and scared.

At the end of it, I texted her something short like I usually do after we talk at all. She calls me back and tells me to leave her alone and that talking to me gave her a headache because I just wasn't getting it. She said she didn't want to hear from me at all unless I have an emergency.

... so fast forward a few hours. She calls me back. She is calm. She says she changed her mind and wants to see me this week. She said that she knows I have my mother's narrative deeply implanted in my mind and she said that what happened earlier had nothing to do with me being in trouble or being punished. She said she was upset but wouldn't hurt me like my mother did. I started crying again. She told me she would never leave me unless something tragic happened and that it was important that we see each other again.

I am so shaken. I feel like she was justified to yell at me. I feel so confused. I feel like I shouldn't have asked her to talk to me because she was upset and not in therapy mode or something. I don't know how much of what I perceived is truthful and how much is from memories that the ordeal triggered.

Uhurr

[growlycat]

How did it go with the therapist that you interviewed?

I'm glad that LC is reconsidering. Please be careful!! I do worry for you that you will "test" her and she won't be ready for it.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

How did it go with the therapist that you interviewed?

I'm glad that LC is reconsidering. Please be careful!! I do worry for you that you will "test" her and she won't be ready for it.

I'm not gonna test her. I think maybe she felt she overreacted or was a little mean. I don't know. But I'm not gonna drink.

I'm gonna see the therapist for a third time I guess. I can't see her this week. I can't afford the $25 copay this week. She seems okay. Definitely less anxious. Lol she still takes things very literally.

Uhurr

[JaneTennison1]

Well you want her to be a mom and that;s a mom. Yell at you to tell you to fix things up, call and ask for forgiveness for losing her temper etc. I hope the T works out.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I need to reflect for a second and collect myself. I didn't officially see LCM today. We just kind of talked for about 45mins over the course of the past few hours. And by talked, I mean...

She texted me asking if we were going to meet this week. I said I couldn't afford a $4 T pass to get there. She got MAD. She started texting me saying that she's done with my drinking and that I'll have to call her in a few weeks when I'm sober and can prove to her that I have my life together a little bit more. I asked if we could talk on the phone instead of over texting. She called me. She was furious. She said I need to gain her "trust" back. I said that I'm honest with her and she said that she knows that I'm honest with her and that she trusts that I will tell the truth but I guess she doesn't trust that I'll follow the rules. She said that she should have been harsher with me about drinking from the beginning. It was just a lot of "you need to figure out how to prove to me" stuff and she doesn't want to talk to me until I figure it out. I asked her what she wanted me to do and she said "that's up for you to figure out. If one part of a relationship cheats and wants to leave but the cheating part wants to fix the relationship, it's the cheater's obligation to figure out how to fix it". I asked her if she wanted to not talk to me again and she said "oh my god no. You know that's not what I'm trying to say. I'm not leaving you. I just need you to not drink and be at least a little bit financially responsible". I basically just begged her to forgive me and tell me what to do because I need her support right now because my life is a complete mess and I'm facing having to go back to my parents' house and I need her support. I told her I don't think I can stop drinking while at their house without her support. I said I want to see her again before Sep. She basically said "well figure out how to convince me". I was crying and scared.

At the end of it, I texted her something short like I usually do after we talk at all. She calls me back and tells me to leave her alone and that talking to me gave her a headache because I just wasn't getting it. She said she didn't want to hear from me at all unless I have an emergency.

... so fast forward a few hours. She calls me back. She is calm. She says she changed her mind and wants to see me this week. She said that she knows I have my mother's narrative deeply implanted in my mind and she said that what happened earlier had nothing to do with me being in trouble or being punished. She said she was upset but wouldn't hurt me like my mother did. I started crying again. She told me she would never leave me unless something tragic happened and that it was important that we see each other again.

I am so shaken. I feel like she was justified to yell at me. I feel so confused. I feel like I shouldn't have asked her to talk to me because she was upset and not in therapy mode or something. I don't know how much of what I perceived is truthful and how much is from memories that the ordeal triggered.
Uhurr

Wow, that's weird and upsetting! A previous poster said it sounded like she was being a mom. My first impression was that she was acting like a jealous girlfriend, especially in mentioning the cheating thing. The whole needing to gain her trust back was odd, too. And then doing a complete 180 a few hours later...

Even if you feel like it was justified, she should not have yelled at you like that. My guess is that either there's something going on in her personal life that's bothering her and/or there's some countertransference going on--like you remind her of someone else in her life, and she's taking it out on you.

If you meet with her this week (or whenever you see/talk to her next), you should definitely bring up how her words made you feel. It will be hard, but you need to let her know.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Wow, that's weird and upsetting! A previous poster said it sounded like she was being a mom. My first impression was that she was acting like a jealous girlfriend, especially in mentioning the cheating thing. The whole needing to gain her trust back was odd, too. And then doing a complete 180 a few hours later...

Even if you feel like it was justified, she should not have yelled at you like that. My guess is that either there's something going on in her personal life that's bothering her and/or there's some countertransference going on--like you remind her of someone else in her life, and she's taking it out on you.

If you meet with her this week (or whenever you see/talk to her next), you should definitely bring up how her words made you feel. It will be hard, but you need to let her know.

It wasn't a complete 180. She often relates any relationship problem to romantic relationships.

Even when she had raised her voice a little, she told me she was very upset but not withholding her love from me. I know she has a ton of stressors in her personal life right now. I'm not completely sure what they are, but she's told me that she feels a lot of pain recently too. She said she feels like she is slowly watching me kill myself and said she won't enable me to to that.

I think she knows how I felt given that I started bawling on the phone. I don't know. The new T commented that I'm extremely defensive of LCM even after really only talking about her once.

Uhurr

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Well you want her to be a mom and that;s a mom. Yell at you to tell you to fix things up, call and ask for forgiveness for losing her temper etc. I hope the T works out.

I'm really just happy she seems to be more forgiving again. I really need her support right now.

Uhurr

[growlithing]

I don't know why my phone is posting uhurr after all of my posts. I'm not drinking or making a weird joke.

Uhurr

My phone does weird things with the tapatalk app too. I don't understand it either!! So I don't generally post from it - I read posts, but wait to reply til I get home to my laptop.

[growlithing]

I just can't believe how much that hurt and also how I took it. I was scared that she'd leave me, but I honestly wasn't scared that she would leave forever. It was one of the more triggering things I've experienced, but it wasn't at at all like the other triggers. I'm still am looping through scenes of my parents "punishing" me and my body itches where I remember the pain. I don't want her to feel badly because I think she probably should have yelled at me and I feel like maybe a good portion of what I experienced was me interpreting it through the lens of being triggered.

Uhurr

[clairelisbeth]

Honestly, it sounds like she's getting a bit burned out and overwhelmed....not a good situation for you.

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[granite1]

how could she not be getting burned out . good boundaries usually prevent that from happening

[Luce]

Good on you for continuing on with the new T. It will take a while for you to get to know each other and figure out how to work together.
What happened with the LC sounds really upsetting and confusing.

[PeeJay]

what's the connection between drinking and not having money for the T?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

what's the connection between drinking and not having money for the T?

I didn't have money to eat or catch the train or pay her. I was upset about it and texted her about it. She asked if I had been drinking. I said yes. So she felt like I picked alcohol over paying her, seeing her, and food.

[A Red Panda]

Which is exactly what you did...

[WrkNPrgress]

Honestly, Though I'm certain nothing but good intentions are involved here, it sounds to me like this therapist crossed a professional boundary a long time ago and you are both suffering for it. She can't help you when she's emotionally entangled to this degree. You don't need a Mom, or a big sister, or a 'friend' —*you need and deserve professional help.

Yes, it dos sound like you chose drinking over seeing her but there are reasons for that. This situation sounds stressful for both of you and this level of emotional reaction from a T can add to that stress and your own anxiety.

I think you'll both be better after you've distanced yourselves from the other.

Please take care of yourself. Be strong. You are worthy of help. I wish you all the best with your new T.

[BayBrony]

I agree with WrkNPrgres. I have a dangerous eating disorder but because my therapist is professional she gets that it's not about her. She says " I'll never be angry with you for you addiction because the roots are so complicated and you need compassion"
Unlike say my best friend who gets angry if I relapse since to her it means I don't want to share our lives together. Or my partner who if I relapse feels guilty and cries and makes me feel guilty which actually makes my eating disorder worse. It's that level of detachment that allows a T to give real compassionate help

[Yellowbuggy]

So she felt like I picked alcohol over paying her, seeing her, and food.

Do you see how she can feel this way? I understand the roots of alcoholism run deep, but if you cannot see her because you spent your money on alcohol, she will not be able to see you for free. She has to set some boundaries so that she will not be enabling you further.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Just out of curiousity are you paying both of them out of pocket? Drinking issues aside, that sounds like a huge financial burden.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

Just out of curiousity are you paying both of them out of pocket? Drinking issues aside, that sounds like a huge financial burden.

As previously shared growli's parents pay LCM for her services. I think insurance pay for a therapist minus co pay.

Growli!

I think you might want to locate AA meetings and start attending. And see therapist regularly as if you stop drinking you might be able to afford therapy.

Your t is right you are extremely defensive of LCM who is getting more and more unprofessional by day and contributes to your being unwell. Her behavior on the phone and on texts is unacceptable (as always), it is not new, it is all the same just getting worse

You are talking about needing her support but what's support do you need from her, you aren't getting better, what's her support exactly looks like? She sounds disturbing. I am triggered by just reading all this, I can't imagine actually being there!!!! Extremely triggering!!!!

Please do something

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[msxyz]

I really hope you can find a long term therapist to help you, I think your LCM is well meaning but this is way above her paygrade.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by msxyz

I really hope you can find a long term therapist to help you, I think your LCM is well meaning but this is way above her paygrade.

Yeah and sadly it shows:/ Her reaction wasn't therapeutic but than again she is not a T so I guess that can be expected?

Growli, you are a very strong woman (esp given your age), I do believe you are doing the best you can. I think you use alcohol to deal with your stuff. Just stop drinking is not a great advice here I'm afraid. Drinking is a coping mechanism afterall- There are better ones sure, but there are worst ones to pick too. Making you feel guilty for this is not helpful either.
I'm sure you know this but still: You do need to address the underlying issues to be able to stop treating yourself this way altogether- not just switch one for another. I hope your new T can help you with that.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by anilam

Yeah and sadly it shows:/ Her reaction wasn't therapeutic but than again she is not a T so I guess that can be expected?


Growli, you are a very strong woman (esp given your age), I do believe you are doing the best you can. I think you use alcohol to deal with your stuff. Just stop drinking is not a great advice here I'm afraid. Drinking is a coping mechanism afterall- There are better ones sure, but there are worst ones to pick too. Making you feel guilty for this is not helpful either.

I'm sure you know this but still: You do need to address the underlying issues to be able to stop treating yourself this way altogether- not just switch one for another. I hope your new T can help you with that.

Good point. Plus it isn't that simple to quit drinking or in fact any substances. It is understandable. Hopefully it could be worked on with t or a doctor etc

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[Yellowbuggy]

Originally Posted by growlithing

She texted me asking if we were going to meet this week. I said I couldn't afford a $4 T pass to get there. She got MAD.

I have a suggestion. Forgive me if it seems harsh, but I think being honest with ourselves is necessary for true change to occur

When you tell LCM that you can't afford a $4 pass to see her, do you really believe that you can't afford the $4? You may not have physically have $4 in your possession, but is it possible that you had the $4 but spent it on something else? Maybe even a coffee, or cigarettes? It doesn't have to be alcohol. If this is the case, try to be honest with yourself. Say to yourself, outloud: "I cannot pay the $4 because I spent the money on something else." Don't hide behind the lie that you can't afford the ticket. You can afford it, but you have to change your behaviour and start recognizing how much control you DO have over your circumstances.

I realize that mental illness is real and alcoholism is a disease. I'm on this message board as well for a reason. But blaming others for our inability to change is the biggest barrier to our recovery.