Do not diagnose others or tell others how they should have acted

Maybe less can be more

I though the post was quite straightforward.

If someone's wants a diganois, you say we can not diganois, you need to see a professional.

If someone says what should I do, you don't say you should get a new T, you should change or drop your meds, you should do this or that. Instead you can say what your experience is or has been.

I know there has been times when I've violated these rules, we most likely all have done so at one time or another. For myself I try to stop and think before I press reply. How would I feel if I read this? How would I feel reading this post? Sometimes I get caught up in the drama and don't pause before hitting reply and those are the times I've been heavy with the you shoulds. Nobody is perfect and you needn't be afraid to post.

Oh, the post itself was quite clear. What I don't like about it was that it's calling out the whole forum over the behavior of a few. There are an awful lot of people here who never say anything offensive and are very anxious about posting for fear they will say the wrong thing. This sort of thing is most unhelpful for the socially anxious among us.

I actually don't know which thread is in question. I am just offering general suggestion. I have never seen any offensive posts on this forum. Sure some people react very intensely to everything, even the most innocent comments, but that's the nature of this forum. It is not "hobby" forum where people discuss golf tournaments lol



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Good point about calling out the entire forum. I felt the same way at first, but kind of reconciled that in my own mind when I considered that the bulk of the posters here are somewhere on the continuum between "offers suggestions to those who we feel could benefit from change" and "offers suggestions to those we feel could benefit from changing the way that they offer support".

Oh, I don't know, those hobby forums can get pretty wild. We're tame in comparison

My initial reaction was 'Huh? What happened?' Kinda got sidetracked into a discussion about appropriate replies etc., but I still feel the original post was uncalled-for.

I am glad to see this reminder because I do agree people are often mean under the guise of wanting to be helpful. Different kinds of behaviors can feel mean, being judgmental of the OP, condescending, proclaiming to own the truth, scolding someone for their feelings...

I have not actually read the thread mentioned and my opinion isn't based on that.

Lol I know. I am using some too. I meant something else but didn't know how to say it without sounding wrong. Due to nature of this forum many members suffer from Mental health issues and/or have illness and it makes them to respond and act certain way. It is important to remember that if someone reacts strangely to different opinions or says something strange that is why. I sometimes forget about it being all puzzled why someone reacts certain way

. So if people warn others that they cannot handle different opinions, then it should be fine.

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Isn't the title of this thread telling others how to act? :-/

If someone asks members for opinions then giving opinions is supportive as people do what was asked of them. It is impossible to predict that when people ask for opinions they only want opinions of a certain kind or only opinions they agree with. No one is mind reader

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To address the concerns raised in this thread regarding my request:

1. If a person specifically asks for a diagnosis advice from members, you're welcomed to add your two cents. If they do not ask for it, and you feel the person has been wildly misdiagnosed (as a concern of their psychotherapy), you're also welcomed to gently suggest a second opinion (but probably not offer your own diagnosis, since they didn't ask for one). In any other case, you should probably stay away from trying to offer a diagnosis.

2. We won't allow threads to be posted without replies. There are so many places you can go online to rant (like starting your own blog) if you want to do that. This is a discussion and support forum, so it doesn't really fit within our purpose.

3. Posters are always responsible for asking for exactly what it is they are expecting or wanting from posting their thread or question. If they want specific advice, they should say so (and that would be fine by me). If they just want to be validated for their feelings, then it would be helpful to say something like, "I was angry and now I feel guilty for being angry. Is it okay to feel anger?"

There's often two sides to a response -- the emotional one and the rationale one. If you don't help us understand which one you're looking for, you're likely always to get a mix of the two. Which, in most cases, is okay. It's just that sometimes it crosses over into, "You did this wrong," which is not a supportive or helpful response (even if technically true).

4. If you're unsure if the OP wants a specific opinion or not, you can always start with an emotionally-validating reply ("Wow, that truly stinks. I would've felt the exact same way in that situation..."), but then also query if you have more to say on the issue but don't want to be too pushy ("I also have some advice-like thoughts on this, but not sure if you want to hear them or not...?").

5. I think that as long as you don't do so in a judgmental manner (suggesting your way is right and their way is wrong), you're welcomed to share how you might've handled a situation differently. We're all different people, and sometimes that can be helpful to hear a different scenario, and sometimes it might not help at all. But if done in a thoughtful, caring manner, I'm okay with it.

--

I only post generally of this nature to the forum because it's a (a) recurring issue for this forum in particular and (b) there are too many posters who sometimes fall into one of these areas to contact individually.

You would get a warning first (and often 2 or 3 warnings) before any actual action is taken. So if you are one of our members who's inclination is to judge others' behavior here or what not, we'd give you a PM heads-up about the issue to give you an opportunity to change your behavior. (That's what we always do, for any issue in the community.)

Consider this a clean slate. We just want to keep this forum a positive and safe place for people to be able to come and discuss their issues, concerns, wins, and questions about psychotherapy or their therapist. This is best done in a supportive, non-judgmental environment.

Thanks,
DocJohn

I think it would help if people were clear what type of responses they are hoping for. There is nothing wrong with requesting validating comments only. But it is not fair to ask for opinions in general & then lash out as those who take the time, mostly in an effort to help, and address this OP's query.

I've seen a few posters doing this - i.e. Asking for a general 'what do you think' and then flaming those who suggest alternatives. Seriously, however well-meaning one is, it makes it hard to even venture out to respond to certain people. It would only take *one* sentence to specify: 'I only want X type of comments'. I know it puts me off responding at times.

Sorry but there should be some personal responsibility for thread starters as well. It is not realistic, nor fair, to expect well-meaning responders to tiptoe around said OPs. :/

I guess the difficulty over the internet, is that we are only reading words and whether it is the OP or others responding, we know limited things about them and do not always know how vulnerable they may be feeling. My T can say something to me oneday and I may be very ready to hear it, on another day I might find it completely overwhelming and crushing. The other obvious difference being that T is then there to pick up the pieces. We don't know what support beyond T's people may have on here.

I guess there's no perfect formula, but personally when posting I often ask myself how I'd react if T said to me what I'm about to post to someone else.

I never meant we post threads with no replies but that when people don't want specific replies they say so in the original post. And if they don't want any opinions they should say so.

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Thanks for answering this. But our ts dont usually give us THEIR opinions - they more try to be supportive. Thats the difference i try to achieve in my responses.

sometimes i do just ask for an opinion - is it okay if i do or dont do this thing. But what i really want is discussion. Or support? Idk.

I think posters also bear some responsibility to stop once it becomes clear their type of response is not being useful fo an OP even if OP was not quite clear at the very beginning. Instead often those posters act hurt that their advice or whatever was rejected but still keep going back and further criticizing the OP and somewhat intentionally escalating them.

Thanks for taking time to clarify - I like this post better than the first one.

Yeah, in the ideal world posters would know what answers they are looking for and say it. And ppl replying would respect that. We are bound to make mistakes here and there but we can always try

Thank you DocJon, that update helps a lot.

Let me take this moment in this thread to say that personally, if I post something I AM WANTING help/advice/input/suggestions/etc.... Now that is just me, but if you see my posts in the future, know I am wanting replies. I will also say that I do have my own issues and tend to feel that I mess things up easily and am always scared of upsetting others so I have had a couple of replies that have made me back off posting for a while. So, I do understand the caution also and that we each have our own luggage we are trying to carry and unpack.

Lastly, if any post/reply I EVER make appears gruel in ANY MANNER, it was by accident or misunderstanding. I would never judge anyone or want to make anyone feel bad.

Even with the clarity, I am still a little scared of replies because getting that 'warning' would be like having heart surgery without anesthetic. Obviously, it appears a big trigger for me is doing things wrong. I might need to discuss that in therapy.

In my opinion, I think this forum is one of the places where it is okay to tip toe around someone, to be cautious about what we post. I think that if we are interested in helping a fellow member when we decide to post on someone's thread, it might be helpful to start by asking what they think would be helpful-unless they have been very clear about the sort of feedback they are looking for. Taking the time to ask before proceeding might take a few seconds of our time but if the goal is to help, maybe that's okay.

I agree that it would be helpful for the person creating a thread to detail what they need. But, that probably won't happen every time and not everyone will even know how to describe what they need. I know that at times I have read through a thread, to see what has been posted and to see how the OP is responding to what is being posted, to give me a hint about how to proceed. And, if I am truly unsure and concerned that I might say the wrong thing-then I decide it's probably best not to post.

I know that sometimes I end up making assumptions based on a few sentences or a few posts on a thread. I have to remind myself that words have different meanings to different people. Maybe I am responding to a post or a thread based on my own experiences and I try to remember that each person responds in their own unique way to similar experiences. And, I have to remind myself that it's very difficult, unless specifically specified, to know what the tone and feeling is behind the written word.

I just think it might be helpful to take the time to ask or clarify what someone needs or to discontinue a response when it's clearly upsetting the OP.