At what point do you decide your therapist is too unsafe?

I've been thinking about this. I just kind of terminated with my therapist of 5.5 years, but not really. Because I'm a chicken and I couldn't do it so she thinks I'm coming back in September, and I have no plans to have any termination sessions or seek closure through discussing this with her AGAIN where she just stares at me or (worse) calls me "paranoid and obsessive" when I mention it.

But she did say at the last session that I was just running away like I do when relationships hit a snag. But I think this is more than a snag, I think this relationship is unsafe and even verging on toxic.

But, what do you think? In terms of a therapist are these workable, able to fix rupture-wise? I think I know the answer but feedback would be great:

-telling me quitting outpatient treatment at the hospital was fine since I hated it
-then suddenly telling me she couldn't see me for 6 weeks to "encourage" me back into treatment (ie punish me for quitting... She was MAD. Even though there was a waiting list to get back in and left me sick, scared, and with no support. Even my pastor was horrified she did this when I was so sick and vulerable and my pastor filled in and supported me, listened to me cry...Therapist was gone like a flash). She told me this right after surgery when I was on morphine and had a scary complication from the surgery.
-after this when I saw her in 6 weeks she said she shouldn't have done that and handled it badly and "did a terrible thing"
-telling me i couldn't see her while in outpatient treatment and then the next week changing her mind
-the next week changing her mind again and saying i can't see her(??)
-saying I'm too sick for her to help me but then suggesting I see her instead at her private practice when she knows I just filed a bankruptcy claim that leaves me with barely any money
-changing her mind about that and saying she doesn't have time for another private client anyway since she works too hard and barely sees her friends
-making that promise to never abandon me (which never works out)
-seeing me for free outside of the office MANY times over the first almost 5 yrs then suddenly becoming cold and not even answering the occasional email, telling me last year I should move to the city she is moving to when she retires (??!) because she would "never leave me" but now says if I don't come back to the clinic in the fall I can't even send her the occasional email to say hi until I either make an appointment in January or pay her as a private client (although obviously her opinion on THAT changes every week)

There's way more to it than this, but all this stuff is just so confusing and conflicting. Do you think it's enough reason to walk away to keep myself from getting hurt any worse? Or would you try to work through it?

I literally don't think she cares anymore, and she used to care A WHOLE LOT, probably way too much. But she encouraged this dependence and then suddenly left me sick, scared, and alone...

I feel like some hobby she got sick of.

Is leaving at this point, running away with stuff unfinished, or is it self-protection?

Oh, and this has been torturing me for months now but I can't even talk to anyone at the hospital about it because she would lose her job if anyone found out she saw me outside of the counselling clinic at school (where my new psychologist at the hospital just happens to teach).

So I'm keeping her secret...

Plus I'm embarassed for them to know my part in how enmeshed this became.

I favor finding a new therapist.

It seems like it has been a very dysfunctional relationship for a long time. Not your fault at all. She doesn't sound very emotionally stable to me.

I have trouble protecting myself. I think somewhere deep down this felt unhealthy for a long time.

I have a new one, and she's really smart and kind but professional. And it's not all yucky enmeshed. Plus it's free.

I just keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing by just not going back. The comment about "running away" really bothered me.

She also keeps saying I'm imagining all this which is seriously crazy-making

Running away from something bad and unsafe is not wrong. Sometimes running away is the best thing you can do for yourself.
I don't think running away gets enough credit for sometimes being the best thing one can do for one's own self.
Having said that, I don't think this sounds like running away to me. You have a new one who is working - why go back to an old one who was not?

I agree with Puzzlebug and Bill3 that you should find someone new. Particularly Puzzlebug's comment on it being a dysfunctional relationship. Honestly, it makes me think of my college boyfriend, who, toward the end of our relationship, would want to marry me one day, then three days later break up with me, then a few days after that say he couldn't imagine being without me, so we should get married, then say his love for me was gone, then... It was like either extreme, nothing in the middle. That's what it sounds like with your T, where she either wants to be there for you completely, bending the rules to help you--or she's rejecting you when you most need her (after surgery), saying you have to pay private-therapy fees when you have no way to pay, etc.

I will say, it can become addictive--but it's definitely not a healthy relationship. And I think you know that. There are much better T's out there.

As a fellow runner-awayer my thought is that we'll always have another chance to work on staying instead of running. This won't be the last opportunity.

I have a very safe T now, and as much as I hate it, it's fairly easy to see that it is my stuff making me want to run. The reasons I come up with are usually pretty lame. It doesn't help me want to avoid running away, but it's easy to know that he's not really the problem. Damn him.

Maybe not running away is something to practice with your new T. Soup

Run. That is all. She does not have good intentions for you!!!!

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I let people hurt me and don't protect myself. I hate it. I guess it comes from growing up in a neglectful and messed up environment.

I only realize at this point when I'm damaged. And only then because I think it made warning bells go off after my gallbladder surgery. I had a really scary complication where I couldn't pee and she wouldn't even call me back.

I do feel grateful I had people there, like my poor pastor who listened to my irrational morphine sobbing about my therapist when I really should have been focused on the medical stuff.

I do feel healthier since January when I started distancing myself. There's something seriously wrong when you're WORSE after 5 yrs of therapy, says you're "too sick for her to help," yet would still take your money.

The minute someone says they love me I lose my mind. Like an idiot.

Didn't she tell you at one point she could get in trouble for seeing you?

I feel like I need therapy to get over therapy.

Yup. She said she could lose her job for seeing me outside the clinic.

She said a few months ago she never should have done it (after doing it for 5 yrs) because she could have lost her job because it's a very strict rule.

She's also not supposed to take them on as private clients.

I can relate to that PF. My T is getting me to practice standing up for myself as an alternative to running. T said running (physically or shutting down psychologically) may have been the only options I had in the past, but it would be more useful for me to learn to do this differently.

T is encouraging me to challenge them and set my own boundaries. It is really hard but I do realise my inability to do this has made me very vulnerable to past abuse. But I also k ow this will take a leap of faith with regards to my T.

And none of us know how to do what we've never learned to do, you are not an idiot. Soup

I've been struggling so hard since December because of this. Thank God for Parnate. If I hadn't had this med change I can't imagine where I'd be.

I can't really give you advice. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. But if I think of my own situation, if my T accepted me back, I would go back...which isn't healthy. So I don't know if it's in your best interest to give it another try. If you do, I would work on boundaries It's something we all need and maybe your T might learn some in the process

I'm at the point now where the pain isn't as fresh as it was. I barely survived the first time. I can't figure out how to work the trigger thing on my phone, but I was in a really bad place. And now I'm still in pain but I feel a lot less in immediate danger...

I don't think I can willingly walk into that again.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, especially since last time I saw her she swore up and down she still loves me as much.

I also can get to the point where I forgive her eventually... But that trust will never come back.

If I were you, I would never return to that "T" (it doesn't sound like she should counsel anyone) and don't look back.

Talk to your new T about her to help you get over that unhealthy time in your life.

And don't worry about her losing her job. She made her own bed, besides--I think it's all still confidential & won't affect her.

Get healthy...that's your goal, right?

That's my problem -- under the law here, it's something you can violate confidentiality for, along with the usual danger and child abuse. Plus this woman works with university students and I just have a STRONG feeling that she would report her. Especially because new psychologist is a professor of clinical psych at my school. I really don't know if I want to risk that. But on the other hand the T didn't care about hurting ME and honestly maybe it's time for her to retire. I keep wondering if there's something wrong with her because it's a really weird way to behave.

I also am honestly just straight embarassed to talk about it because it makes ME look clingy.

I don't think you sound clingy. You trusted her. Trust is a delicate thing in our minds.

I understand you don't want to be "responsible" if she loses her job, but you're quite correct when you say she didn't seem to care about hurting you.
Besides, it wouldn't be *you* hurting her. She did this all knowing it was poor practice and wrong. She's already hurt herself in this.
Also--think about other patients of hers: How many has she hurt or *will* hurt if she isn't corrected or let go? So, I don't think you need worry for her while you're getting help for *you*!

Good luck and be as strong as you can.

~~SW

Run away and never return. This is the only thing you can do to protect yourself. This woman should have never entered the profession. She needs a lot of therapy herself.

Stay strong.
Hugs,
IDMW

She's too inconsistent. From how you depict her, one never knows if/when they could rely on her. I'd say leave. If only for your own sanity..

My female co-therapist shrieked nearly the same thing to me before I left. "You're running away, and that's exactly what you do in relationships!!!!!"

Her clairvoyance was a little rusty.
Therapists must learn to say this at Famous Therapist School. It's revealing to see those practice management articles on "client retention" to see the strategies therapists try to keep clients from leaving.

The other thing that pisses me off is SHE is the one who initially abandoned me. It makes no sense at all in this context. I wish I'd had the guts to point that out. It's not my fault SHE changed her mind... It makes sense to run away.

Of course nothing is her fault... It's all my "running away" issues. If someone other than a therapist did this I would start wondering about their (in)sanity. Instead I wonder about mine... Messed up.