I need to quit therapy but don't know how

I've been crying non stop since my session yesterday, blubbered like a damn baby during it, and after. I'm a horrible mother, didn't talk to anyone, locked myself in my basement bedroom and slept some, woke up in the middle of the night with a panic attack, went back to bed, slept through my alarm, and my son had to wake me up. I sat on the edge of my bed, ok, until I realized yesterday's session wasn't just a dream.

I feel misunderstood, rejected, not cared about, and disconnected from everyone in my life. Mostly my therapist. The one person I thought would help me is making me worse.

Since seeing her (a year), I've slept less, ate less, started self harming, self medicating, and I lost my "give a damn." I've missed more work this since I started seeing her than I ever have in that job (7 years? Maybe 8?). I'm falling apart. But, dammit, I need her. I know I won't go anywhere else. I want to see HER. But I want her to understand, really understand, but it's a "she's right and I'm wrong" situation. That's how I see it anyway.

At this point, I'm NOT suicidal but I'm also not taking care of myself. I don't care if I don't wake up tomorrow morning. Before I started therapy, I had a handful of people in my life who were good friends to me. Now, I'm pushing them away. If an effing THERAPIST can hurt me, anyone can.

She says she understands the pain and hurt this has caused, and has apologized for my feeling this way. But I have to live with this, she can go on with her life and not have to deal with the pain she has caused for me. It's such a sad, lonely world.

I only feel worse about myself for feeling this way. We both thought I'd get over this and be better by now, but I am (unintentionally) made to feel pathectic because I CAN'T get over it. Believe me, I hate it. But damn, it just hurts too much.

I told her she chose the wrong time, I was in a bad place, to stop the comfort she was giving me and she said anytime would have been a bad time. NO, if she would have TALKED to me about it before, or during, so I had an understanding.....I'd know. But there was no talk at all. She offered it for 5 months, no discussion, then took it away when she saw fit. No warning. No discussion until I noticed.

I need to quit. But I need her. I just don't know what to do.

I think it can be possible to grieve the loss and find a new one who is better suited. I don't think continuing to go back to the one who is no longer working is a good plan unless one can find a use for that one. I found letting myself take control and recognize it just is not working and I get to choose what is -was useful. I found a second one who is much better, no constant frustration, she does not blame me when things go awry etc. there is a giant difference in how I feel when I leave the second one than he first. The grounded understood feeling is is very different from the frustrated rage I had every week with the first until I got the first to quit talking.
For me, limiting the first one to things she could not screw up, was the gift I gave myself.

(((musinglizzy))) I am sorry you are in such a difficult place right now. I know for me that the first 1-2 years with T were awful, SH, dissociating and finding life very difficult. For me I don't know whether T was to blame, or whether I was in a downward spiral anyway.

Do you really want to quit therapy or do you think it would be worth exploring someone else? Do you think this T can help you anymore?

Does your T know all those things you highlight in your post? Maybe quitting is the right thing, or would extra support be helpful, for example upping to 2 sessions per week?

If you really want to stop, I know I have been advised before to talk to my T about it, although that always seems so difficult, but I wonder if you can talk to yours? Is it therapy you want to quit, or is it about escaping the difficult feelings?

Has you T ever taught you any grounding stuff to help you right now? Like noticing what is happening around you at the moment, sights, sounds, smells, going for a walk?

I know those feelings can be really difficult to sit with, but they will pass even though that may be hard to imagine at the moment.

Take care, you do matter. Soup

SHe tells me to meditate, go for walks, ride my horse, do things that help me. I can't master the meditation, though I've tried, I ride occasionally (bad back), and I meditate in my own way....just sitting in my rocking chair in a dark room listening to music and trying to think about good things.

This T has been useful to me, I really like her and she is good for me. She just hurt me in ways I can't make her understand. She went on to tell me how many people have disappointed me in my life, she talked about all the things I've gone through, she talked about all the people I'm there for then asked who's there for me? And then she said here, where I was finally realizing I had someone here for me, that changed. And that's really hard. She said all that. If she realized it, why did she change it??? Punishment is all I see.

I find meditation really hard when I have lots of thoughts and feelings, it is too hard to not get sucked into them. Would it help to just go and be with your horse, even if you don't go for a ride.

I actually did a horse mindfulness weekend last year - I did the course with some other people (I didn't know them) and they were all eager to go and bond with some horses, but I wasn't in a good place in my head. I just stood on my own in the field and suddenly I became aware of heavy foot steps and this horse just came and rested his head on my shoulder - from feeling quite numb, I actually started to cry and we just stayed like that for a while and I hugged him - I felt less alone in that moment.

I think sometimes the most difficult feelings can be the biggest lessons for us and I hope you can work through this with your T, but take care of yourself while the feelings are so intense.

:hug; Soup

Sometimes they are just wrong. They may be useful and then, for reasons not having to do with anything a client can control, outlive their usefulness. Sometimes, they are so wrong, there is no ability to go on with that one. If I did not have a lot of disposable income to play around with these people, I would have completely gotten rid of the first one. I am glad I could find a role where she could be useful, but the second one is much better.

As I said in my other thread, I could not continue with a therapist in these circumstances, so I was only going to speak to the horse issue. I find it really helpful to just go get my calmest, most confident horse and I take her out and hand graze her and just hang out with her. Sometimes I even bring a lawn chair and let her graze on a long lead around me and just try to 'feel' her, if that makes sense. Pretty often, she will walk up and press against me while I am in the chair and hold me with her head and neck. It is a very calming, bonding experience, with no repercussions for your back.

Can you get a second opinion or a mediator?

I've heard it's common, and I've experienced it myself, that we do struggle more with problem behaviors and symptoms in therapy, not (necessarily) because the therapy is bad, but because we're facing very unpleasant truths that we've been defended from because of how painful they are, and it's hard to cope while dealing with that reality, it's a learning process, takes time and care to get up to speed and rebalance.

So, I do not know if those struggles you mention are because you're doing the hard work, or a combination of that and the rupture with your therapist.

I am sorry you're in such pain. I can relate.

I believe your therapist is being unprofessional and inconsiderate in a really hurtful way. I absolutely hate her stance about being sorry for the way you feel, but not really taking responsibility (not to mention rectifying!) the injury she caused.

If it were me, I'd probably transition to a new therapist, because if you had work to do, you may still need to do it, and the support dealing with this rupture could be really helpful. I know it's a topic that many are ambivalent about, but there definitely are conscientious, skilled therapists who offer some touch during therapy and can be more consistent and clear and communicative about it.

If it were me also though, I'd just try to devote a lot of time to self-care, pampering and acceptance. It's ok to go to bed and not be social or super-mom for a while. Moms have struggles too, and if you can do your best to take care of yourself, then you're setting a good example anyway. I love MKAC's idea and Stopdog's about another therapist- maybe you can get creative or inspired by ideas like that and find some comfort.

Best,

Leah.

First, I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Change is difficult, but change is also inevitable in all relationships. I think perhaps that is something your therapist realizes she can't protect you from, and also something that we all have to learn to navigate and accept as part of life. She understands this is painful for you, and while you see it as punishment, it doesn't seem at all that punishment was your therapist's motivation in making that change. I know it feels that way though.

Yes, it would have been better to discuss that change with you when she made that decision. Perhaps she did not predict the reaction you have had; in fact, it took you awhile to recognize it was happening, so she most likely thought withdrawing it the way she did had been effective until suddenly it wasn't for you.

She can't go back and replay any of her decisions. She does seem sympathetic and apologetic that this is painful for you, but she also believes therapeutically that this is the right decision. Your reaction to this is probably confirming of her decision. She recognized her boundaries where, in the long run, creating a problem for you and made the decision to correct her behavior. It left you confused and in pain, but it seems she realized that change would have inevitably been painful for you no matter when it took place. That's my best guess as to why she handled this the way she did. I'm not trying to justify her action; I'm just explaining perhaps where her thinking was - - right or wrong.

One aspect of your working relationship has changed, but is her listening ear, her support, etc. still there? Or, are you unable to access those qualities from her because of this? That's really what seems to be left for you to decide. If you can't remain with your therapist because of this, even though she has been very helpful to you previously, then you might need to find a different therapist or see how it goes on your own. I hope, though, that you can find a way to see that she is still there, just somewhat changed, not completely gone. Perhaps you can find a way to experience that relationships can change without completely ending, without change necessarily meaning abandonment or punishment. That would be healing I would think, but only you know if you will be able to get to that point quite yet. You may not be ready for that yet, and that's okay too. We all have to learn at a pace and moment that makes sense to us. Be gentle with yourself.

She made a HUGE mistake giving you touch in the first place. I think she realized it and took it away and now cannot deal with her big mistake. I personally could not work with someone like this who seems so stubborn in not being able to admit she made a mistake. If she hadn't done this with any other client in 20 years then what the heck was she trying to do with you? So weird and just wrong.

I don't think quitting therapy altogether is the answer necessarily though.

I found that seeing another therapist, in addition to seeing my regular therapist, was helpful.

It's crazy making that I needed a second therapist to help me with my feelings about my first therapist, but I needed outside help.

Gets a little expensive, but it was worth it.

Could maybe seeing someone else too, for awhile, be an option for you?

M-L, I didn't realize your setbacks with this woman go beyond recent rupture and extend to your response for your entire treatment. Do I understand correctly?

Though my situation was different, I still had the problem of "demoting" a therapist team. The common element was their jurisdiction made me feel worse, yet I was awestruck by what I believed to be their power and authority. Leaving physically was a much easier project than leaving emotionally.

I told you I read your earliest posts; your original intentions. I was struck by your clarity, resolve and your...independence. You even stated concern that the process would leave you too dependent. I wonder if it might be grounding to review where you were before you began and your intentions and goals for therapy. Then in hindsight you can assess whether this therapy seems to be the road to your desired destination.

I personally was in a traumatic bond. A therapy was doing me absolutely no good, these therapists were frankly blustering fools, yet emotionally I still had this pull to be under their "protective" wing. They had manipulated my child-like responses to make me feel subordinate and beholden to them. I've had to remind myself repeatedly they were merely people who went to school and earned a degree, they performed a specific role, and nothing they knew or studied conferred any special wisdom on them.

I don't know farmers, but I've known ranchers and horse people. I admire their breadth of knowledge and their skills to care for animals, land and machines. I know you can find the strength you have to carry through this painful interval.

Though therapists pretended to help me, I actually was carrying and caring for myself all along. I had to think back to all the times of strength in my life to reconnect with the answers to were within.

I think this is a very important point. In my experience, my therapists weren't pretending to help me though. What they did very overtly was to let me know what they were about was helping me find and use my own ability to care for myself that I thought I had lost (or perhaps I thought I never had). They kept telling me they knew the answers for my life were within myself; all they were doing was helping me find a way to access what was already there. They never claimed to have the answers; they claimed I could find the answers and just helped me reach that place for myself.

I get a little confused at the concept of strict therapeutic boundaries that are fluid though. What's the point? It seems a bit ridiculous to me to even have all this talk about "boundaries" if they can change at any moment without the therapist understanding how upsetting it is.

When I found T1's inconsistent boundaries we're causing me pain and the sessions were leaving me feeling worse than before I started therapy, I decided to take an open ended break from therapy with him and see another T on a short term basis (this was stopdog's suggestion actually) and this was much easier for me to accept than termination. As it happened, after 3 months of seeing T2, I decided that T2 was actually a much better, more consistent, stabilising influence on my life and I actually felt better week to week with the new therapist. I decided to stay with him, and we still continue to discuss my attachment to T1. What was important about the break is that the option was always there to return to T1, and for a long time I believed I would.
This might be a useful option to consider If you want space but can't bear to think of leaving her right now.

Different people here have varying opinions about dependency in therapy, and I have no way of knowing how and whether it helps others. However, I believe it's important for a client to decide if dependency is a goal for therapy or an undesired biproduct. If a relationship forms in opposition to client goals, or if the therapy becomes about the therapy, I think these are important things to realize and assess. I didn't understand how detrimental the therapist-as-authority/parent figure was to me until I was long away from it.

Some of what you write about your time with this therapist was true for me with my ex-T too. Before I started therapy I was sleeping really deeply through the night every night. For most of the time I was seeing my ex-T I slept badly and the lack of sleep had quite a negative impact on my life at times. I have a new T who I've been seeing for 7 weeks. I gradually started sleeping again since starting to see her. I was attached to my last T, but I think I always felt insecure. i have a lot of emotion around the other therapy, which I think is really emotion from my childhood, my new therapy is not about leaving that behind, my T has a positive attitude towards making it useful for me/us. I kind of feel that ex-T brought the emotion to the surface, and new T is going to help me with it.

I hope you manage to find some peace.

When i had the rupture with my t that led me to PC, my consulting t asked me if i thought the ruptured could still help me; could i still work with him in spite of what happened? How would you answer that question? I guess thats what youre getting at here. Is there anything she could say to make it right? It seems like you feel she is not sorry enough, or will never pay enough.

Also thers is an element of she tricked you by taking it away and not telling you. Like my aunt and uncle used to sneak out of the house when we would babysit my cousins. Its very disrespectful. That would probably be a deal breaker for me, and a good interview question for the next t.

Sorry you're hurting like this ...

Perhaps taking a break to give things a chance to settle will give you a clearer perspective on the right course of action? I took a break from mine over the winter and came to realize that I'm happier and better functioning when I'm not doing therapy at all.

We'll eventually have a termination session, I reckon, or maybe not - I may simply just never go back. I do know I've made the right decision though, but it did take me taking a break so I could gather my own thoughts without undue influence from the therapist one way or the other.

Again, sorry you're hurting this way ... It sucks to be in that space!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!