[Soccer mom]

Do you have a hard time accepting love/affection from others? If so, why? I've realized in the past year that I have a hard time accepting affection and/or love from other people. I have two women who want to be affectionate and have been sweet since my mom died. But, I put up a wall. I totally accept it from my spouse and my children. It's more difficult with friends.

I really want the affection/connection but I can't seem to be ok with it. My T. has suggested that maybe I'm afraid they will leave once it starts. I'm not sure that's it. And, I really can't pinpoint it. It's like I have a dread feeling when I think it's going to happen.

My siblings were in town recently and I thought to myself that I don't want them expressing their love verbally or physically to me. Yet, that should be what I want. I want this from my therapist. I know that it's not her place to provide this (and it's the maternal transference) so I need to get it from others outside of therapy. But, there's no reason to seek it if I can't accept it.

Just hoping the experiences of others will help me realize something.

[unaluna]

Because if i show i accept their love, then they will want something from me "in return". How is that "in return"?? Its to pay for it. For example, if they think you like them, they will ask you for a ride to the airport. Whereas if there truly was love between you, they wouldnt even have to ask - you would offer. Or you would be travelling with them.

So basically, yeah i think its a trick. Sorry not much help tonight.

[laxer12]

"We accept the love we think we deserve" - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I know for me, it is hard to accept love and affection from people whom I don't feel a connection with. Maybe it's because I don't feel like those people actually know me so how could they truly love me or care about me. I'm not completely sure I've figured it out yet but I think this has a lot to do with it.

[AllHeart]

Yes, I have a hard time with accepting love and affection. Why? Because I am unworthy and undeserving of love and affection, period. Or anything good for that matter. I can thank my mother, and a couple of years of CSA for that.

My therapist has been able to help me with this issue a teensy, weensy bit. It's been a terribly sllllooooooww progress for me. If you figure anything out, please let me know. Wish I had something better to offer you.

[Bill3]

In childhood, I did not get consistent affection and positive attention from my mother. Thus, I am torn about accepting affection from anyone (including her when she was living). On the one hand, I want affection, I want to have what I missed. On the other hand, though, in childhood I grew accustomed to not having affection--such that it has always felt alien and disorienting to get affection, and so I resist it.

[JustShakey]

It's unfamiliar, it's scary, I'm afraid that people are only going to be nice to me as long as I'm 'good' and do what they want. If I express different opinions or desires or don't do whatever they ask of me they won't like me or want me anymore.

Receiving that sort of thing makes me feel bad, that's all. It is not so much "struggle to accept" as "know it is not for me" and "do not want because it is bad". It's interesting that I haven't really thought about this much.

[wa(o)rrior]

Hi Friend

your mind has been conditioned to find motives behind a person's affection. you're not afraid they'll leave once it starts. you just want to know what's on their mind when they want to show affection. you are unable to trust them thinking if they have an inferior motive behind the affection.

forget about humans for now. how about a dog who comes to you wagging its tail and sits and raises his legs as if to give him a shake hand. how to you feel? do you struggle to accept that affection?

some people show affection because it makes them feel good. i don't know you. but still i type this message out of affection for you and it makes me feel good. there! that's my motive

another thing we forget to see is we have EGO. it means you think affection is shown to someone who is weak and when someone you know shows you affection it implies to you that they consider you weak. but it's not with the therapist because you have already accepted you have issues(which means you are weak) and so you expect it from your therapist.

[LindaLu]

Different reasons for different people. But accepting love/affection might mean being vulnerable (e.g., risk of exploitation or outright harm) or seeming weak (e.g., lesser, needy, inferior) or invoke social comparison (this person is the best I can expect and I should be able to "do better").

[justdesserts]

Originally Posted by hankster

Because if i show i accept their love, then they will want something from me "in return". How is that "in return"?? Its to pay for it. For example, if they think you like them, they will ask you for a ride to the airport. Whereas if there truly was love between you, they wouldnt even have to ask - you would offer. Or you would be travelling with them.

So basically, yeah i think its a trick. Sorry not much help tonight.

I've felt this way before. It seems like all relationships or "love" in my life is built on some sort of quid pro quo system where I give and give just to get a morsel of affection or acknowledgement. It complicates relationships and the idea of love.

[msxyz]

Why should it be what you want? I don't want people expressing themselves to me like that but it's not a struggle for me, I'm just fine with it. Everyone's different.

[Perna]

I figured out sexually that I had all the "right equipment" but not the experience? I think a lot of things are learning experiences that take practice. We aren't born knowing how to communicate and interact with others and if we don't get very good training from our families, we end up adults who have gaps in certain areas. We have experience and practice with our spouses and children but not so much "new" people/friends? I try to give myself a break and treat it as a lesson that will take some repeating before it gets easier, a new "job" that takes a few weeks or months to get use to and break in.

I think of simple things to say that aren't out of place, like "thank you" and leave it at that. I let myself be hugged and try to give a couple pats in of my own then disengage. Yes it can be awkward and feel artificial but so does holding the needles at first when learning to knit or crochet? I'm left-handed and most new skills feel "backwards" to me at first (or, as my brother use to tease, I am "wrong"-handed :-) It takes time and I try to give myself that.

[nottrustin]

****TRIGGER Warning***


for me there are a couple of issues. When it comes to affection (hugging and such) I feel uncomfortable with hugs from men and it goes back to CSA and afraid what might be the motive behind the hug. When it comes to women I enjoy hugs but I can't approach a person they have to make the fist move as I am always afraid they will hug me but feel uncomfortable and not really want it..I am sure it goes back to CSA.

When it comes to love it is a fear of being vulnerable and being left after allowing myself to accept and feel love for them. With the exception of hubby and my kids everybody I really love has left me. Some they just walked out of my life. I recently realized when people die who I have been close to (aunts who were more like mom and my amazing mom) I also feel a deep sense of abandonment.

[ScarletPimpernel]

For me it's a trust issue. I don't trust people. I fear being hurt. I would rather forfeit affection than be hurt. My family I'm affectionate with only because it's expected of me. It is my choice to affectionate with my fiance and dogs though. I also choose to be affectionate towards women who were in a support role to me. For the women, it's because I'm used to it since it started at age 5. But I honestly don't care for affection from any other type of people. I just don't want it. I wouldn't know what to do.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by laxer12

"We accept the love we think we deserve" - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I know for me, it is hard to accept love and affection from people whom I don't feel a connection with. Maybe it's because I don't feel like those people actually know me so how could they truly love me or care about me. I'm not completely sure I've figured it out yet but I think this has a lot to do with it.

Hmm, I haven't thought about whether I can with those I'm connected with vs not. Good thing to think about.

Originally Posted by JustShakey

It's unfamiliar, it's scary, I'm afraid that people are only going to be nice to me as long as I'm 'good' and do what they want. If I express different opinions or desires or don't do whatever they ask of me they won't like me or want me anymore.

I think this is it for me too. I never knew I had so many friends where I used to work many years ago.... I remembered all of them fondly of course but I never really let any of them 'in' y'know? and when I went back to the midwest in April and one of the gals had a party in honor of my visit and invited a bunch of 'em? oh my goodness seriously the first time I really was able to really let it in how much people care about me and they cared about me back then, too, I just wouldn't or couldn't let it in. They loved me EVEN THOUGH I threw phones, and yelled at people, and stuff. They loved me in spite of myself. We were all laughing so much that everyone had tears in their eyes but my tears were not only from the laughter, but because I was allowing myself to be loved and it felt so incredible and at the same time I think I was crying for myself too a little bit that I denied this to myself for such a long time.

[Coco3]

It always took a long time for me to let people in. I didn't trust them, they could hurt me. Whenever I opened up, it turned against me. So I stopped doing that. It made me feel like I didn't deserve love. There were only a few people I finally let in and accepted they loved me or liked me.

[magicalprince]

(tw)

For me it's CSA and feeling like if I don't want sex I can't be close to someone.

[ruh roh]

I struggle with it because of shame.

[WrkNPrgress]

I have found on some occasions my instincts were ahead of my mind in realizing that something about these people were not right for me.

[JaneTennison1]

Love often comes with conditions or expectations. Accepting care without anything to offer in return, like thhe care T offers me, actually hurts sometimes.