T, will you love me?

((( withit and ev )))

It's hard to figure out what's going on when you feel that way after session.

I felt that way with a T that I saw for a few months. She was not warm at all. Nice, interlligent, caring in her own way, but not in the way I wanted. I didn't know what to do. Many people helped me, including SecretGarden ((( hugs ))) and finally I was able to see that it just wasn't a good fit. I stopped trying to make her be what I wanted and I stopped trying to deny what I wanted. I looked again and found someone who is warm and caring and accepting. It makes all the difference for me and I'm glad I found her. I'm glad I had lots of support and encouragement to go for what I wanted and not stay obediently stuck in an unsatisfying therapy relationship.

So, I'm suggesting you think about it. Maybe it just isn't a good fit for you. Research therapy (www.guidetopsychology.com is a great site) and see a few therapists to see if how you feel about them after a visit ot two or three.

If you want warm and caring, go for it. You deserve it. It's probably very important to you and to your therapy itself.

Remember though, that physical contact in the U.S. is prohibited by the licensing laws. That's for our protection.

It's ok to desire physical comfort from T. I do too. But in reality, the comfort has to take another form for everyone's benefit. In time you'll feel T's comforting in his/her being there for you, listening, validating, encouraging, accepting.

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not stay obediently stuck in an unsatisfying therapy relationship

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That sounds like hell. I'm so glad you got out, ECHOES. I do remember your struggle with that, and from my perspective you sure tried hard to make it work with the former T. It's not like you bailed out at the first sign of dissonance. I think especially because I pay so dang much for therapy (all out of pocket), I could not stay in a truly unsatisfying and unhelpful therapy situation. There's something about forking over my own cash that makes me a better consumer. My first counselor was not that great, but insurance paid 90% of her fee, and I stayed with her way longer than I should have (I was clueless about what to expect in therapy since she was my first).

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Remember though, that physical contact in the U.S. is prohibited by the licensing laws.

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ECHOES, are you sure that's correct? I thought it was sexual contact that was prohibited. I've heard of lots of T's who give a hug to their clients and I never thought that was prohibited, just a difference in style from the hands off T's.

Hi sunny,

I'm paying for my own therapy too and it does make a difference. And it is SO good to not have to answer to any insurance company about anything!

Well, I was sure about the touching until you asked! lol. If it isn't true, then I want a hug from my T doggone it. Thanks for the correction sunny.

ECHOES

> You have to complain to get what you want...

do you?

I'm sorry about your struggle, EV. Perhaps you can "check in" with your T to get a sense if she is feeling what you are feeling? Although she cannot physically be close to you, i.e., hold your hand, hug you.... emotional validation can be just as strong. Maybe you can talk to her about this.

This sounds a lot like my transference issues. I just know it hurts. It hurts.

Sometimes I think all I need to heal is love. But since I don't know what love really looks like, or at least a lot of things has confused my view of "love". Plus being so starved for attention, love-"dehydrated" in a sense, I just want to drink it up with whoever will show it to me in any way. A therapist's purpose is to listen and help (I guess) and that is a glimpse of what we need, what many of us are starved for. And when they can't give "all" that we need, it just puts us in a tailspin, thinking things like: " Why can't my therapist love me? What is wrong with me? My therapist must hate me if she can't love me like I need. Love me!!"

And the more we "need" love from the therapist and the more it doesn't come, the more it hurts and the more we want to run.....run......................run!!!!!!!!! because it hurts. but the therapist understands it and feels empathy for these mixed emotions - but it's just another glimpse of the love we want and then it keeps us staying in therapy with that therapist, thinking: maybe the love will come now. and then the cycle starts again.

aaarrghhh...

i feel the pain your EV.