[TangerineBeam]

So, I terminated today.

I had another episode (I have BPD), I am full of shame and anger, and when I come to T's office I can barely speak. She asks me what do I want to talk about. I just give her a shrug. She looks at me for a minute waiting for some kind of response. I remain silent.

Then she picks up her phone and starts browsing. For 5 minutes, while I'm watching her. And when I finally ask her what does she think she's doing, she says that she can't work with me if I say nothing. And that she has her needs too.

That just pissed me off. I stand up a when I'm walking out the door she says (like she said before) that it's my life and my responsibility. If I don't want this, it's my choice. Yeah, I understand that I am all alone in this, thanks for reminding me.

Maybe she was just mirroring my own behavior (she did that a couple of times previously), I don't know. But ignoring me and checking her phone? That was too much. Now I'm angry, crushed, and depressed again. Our relationship was great, we made very good progress, she was like mother to me, and she just does something like this. I know, she'll just say that she's just a human, she's not perfect. But why not at least try to be more considerate? I don't understand. Is it me?

[stopdog]

No. You did not over-react in my opinion. If a client wants to sit there in silence - the therapist needs to just go with it and not be an asshole. She is getting paid. A silent client is not wasting her time.

I don't think you are overreacting because I think you already realize she was probably mirroring you so you have a sense of why she was doing that; that shows pretty good insight into both her and your actions. That said, I'm not a big fan of that kind of mirroring. There are better ways to draw out a client if that is what she was aiming for that aren't so (for lack of a better word) passive-aggressive on her part.

I would like to respond to this: "I understand that I am all alone in this, thanks for reminding me." Again, I don't like her tactic, but perhaps her point was that she is there for you but if you sit there not interacting or engaging, you are creating your own isolation. In her own odd (and crude) way, her point may have been that if you want things to improve for you, you are going to have to engage. She isn't wrong, if that is what she was trying to say, but her method of getting that point across (if that is what it was) was obviously ineffective.

In addition, some sessions are filled with silences, and that should be okay too if that is what a client needs. Sounds like she has very little skill in handling a client who is having difficulty talking.

[Love Your Suit]

Originally Posted by stopdog

No. You did not over-react in my opinion. If a client wants to sit there in silence - the therapist needs to just go with it and not be an asshole. She is getting paid. A silent client is not wasting her time.

/Agreed

I just had a session with my Psychologist, and I said something to the effect of "I worry, that I do not give you enough". She replied, "Do not worry, and that if you needed to come in and stare and say nothing, that would be ok, or if you needed to power down and take a nap, that would be fine".

So, I agree.

[Favorite Jeans]

"She has her needs, too."

For me this is the WTF statement in your story. Sure she's human and she has needs. But the reason you pay her is to go meet her needs elsewhere. That transaction absolves you of any emotional responsibility toward her. You pay her and therefore, unlike in all your other close relationships, her frustration is not your problem. You don't owe her a session that is emotionally satisfying for her. She doesn't get to play on her phone in session because she is on the fukkin job.

[stopchewinggum]

No, you are not overreacting. It would be one thing if she checked her phone for a moment in order to prove some kind of point, but the fact of the matter is that you are paying her. If you're not able to/aren't talking it is HER job to try to strike up some type of conversation. This is true, even, if it just rapport building/role playing.

[Ad Intra]

You were not overreaching, that was crazy unprofessional of her. I hope you find a better T.

[Creative ToFu]

Is this T 12? ANY professional should have their darn phone put away during work. What a utter complete disrespect towards you.

I also think some T's feel they can treat clients suffering from certain dx's badly because they can always say it is your fault for her actions. Her actions disgusts me.

[growlycat]

IMHO I think you need a different therapist.

What you describe feels very familiar to me. In the early days of my therapy, I would easily feel rejected by a lot of what my T said and did. I needed lots of reassurance that I was wanted around and that he cared. Because of my family and early history, I had come to expect all people were cruel and rejecting. We have to relearn a lot to get better.

I think your T is off base in her approach. Early on, she has to meet you half way. As you get better and form a trust with her, sure, she should challenge you more. But she has not earned that trust. And playing on her phone just reinforces long held fears you may have about what care you can expect from other people.

No i dont think you were over reacting half of my sessions are in silence as i find it so difficult to talk. My psychologist just waits until i am ready to speak.

I don't think you over-reacted. I think there is a different way T's can respond to silence. when I've been silent my T's have always stayed with me and been totally present with me, my ex-T used to talk herself to try to help me.

It's hard to quit a T when there were also good aspects to the therapy - you said that you were making good progress and that she was like a mother to you. I also felt that about my Ex-T who I quit - the therapy had been helpful to me too at times. I felt close to her and it felt like a big loss. I carried on trying with her for far too long because of this. In the long run my relationship with her got more and more destructive.

I once said to my T that he should bring a book for those times when I am incapable of speaking. He smiled and said that from his perspective, the silence is also meaningful, and all communication is not in words anyway. And that when I am in too much mental pain for the words to come out, perhaps it is helpful for me to not be alone in that. (Something like that anyway.) I don't think your therapy hour is where the T needs to focus on her needs. I mean, if you were actually hurting her it would be a different thing but just sitting in silence doesn't infringe on her needs. If she is bored she can think about her shopping list or plan her weekend in her head - for all I know, my T does that sometimes, but he certainly doesn't let me notice. He always feels completely focused on me, and I don't think that is unreasonable to expect from a T. Isn't that part of their job?

You shoulda grabbed that T's phone and swallowed her SIM card like they did in Four Lions.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by orangebish

She asks me what do I want to talk about. I just give her a shrug. She looks at me for a minute waiting for some kind of response. I remain silent.

Maybe she was just mirroring my own behavior (she did that a couple of times previously), I don't know. But ignoring me and checking her phone?. . .But why not at least try to be more considerate? I don't understand. Is it me?

She was not ignoring you, you were ignoring her! What do you want her to do? It's YOUR therapy! You came there to talk to her. You refuse to talk. Therapists cannot pull words out of your mouth and that is all therapy is, talking. What is inconsiderate; she is waiting for you to talk. What do you do when you are waiting for someone or something? Probably mess with your phone? You knew she was waiting for some kind of response and yet you withheld any response from her. Everything is a mirror of our behavior; other people don't just arbitrarily do stuff that doesn't make sense to mess with us; they have their own problems and lives to worry about and don't have time to mess with us.

[stopdog]

Sometimes others - therapists - do just arbitrarily do stuff to mess with clients, in my opinion. Plus, it is their job to help a client talk. The therapist could ask questions for example.

Originally Posted by Perna

She was not ignoring you, you were ignoring her! What do you want her to do? It's YOUR therapy! You came there to talk to her. You refuse to talk. Therapists cannot pull words out of your mouth and that is all therapy is, talking. What is inconsiderate; she is waiting for you to talk. What do you do when you are waiting for someone or something? Probably mess with your phone? You knew she was waiting for some kind of response and yet you withheld any response from her. Everything is a mirror of our behavior; other people don't just arbitrarily do stuff that doesn't make sense to mess with us; they have their own problems and lives to worry about and don't have time to mess with us.

But this is a therapist, not a random acquaintance. I don't think a therapist who tells a client that they have to talk, and demonstrates their impatience and lack of focus on the client by fiddling with their phone, is doing their job. And I don't agree that therapy is only about talking - it is about communication, which happens in different ways. (Don't tell the other linguists I said that. ) Many of us can find it hugely difficult to talk in therapy from time to time, and then it is their job to help us, or at least to wait for us. If they can't do that, I'm not sure they are in the right line of work.

Any therapist can have an off day and be less patient than usual, but from what I understand, this was pretty much par for the course for this T. Also, if a client is quiet every single session for months, I get that it can be frustrating (nothing orangebish has said sounds as if that was the case here) - but then it would be pretty obvious that the client has a serious problem, and who is to help them if not the trained professional in the room?

[TangerineBeam]

Originally Posted by Perna

She was not ignoring you, you were ignoring her! What do you want her to do? It's YOUR therapy! You came there to talk to her. You refuse to talk. Therapists cannot pull words out of your mouth and that is all therapy is, talking. What is inconsiderate; she is waiting for you to talk. What do you do when you are waiting for someone or something? Probably mess with your phone? You knew she was waiting for some kind of response and yet you withheld any response from her. Everything is a mirror of our behavior; other people don't just arbitrarily do stuff that doesn't make sense to mess with us; they have their own problems and lives to worry about and don't have time to mess with us.

I bet this is exactly how she feels. Too bad I wasn't good enough for her, not talkative or attentive enough. Being a perfect client is hard.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Perna

She was not ignoring you, you were ignoring her! What do you want her to do? It's YOUR therapy! You came there to talk to her. You refuse to talk. Therapists cannot pull words out of your mouth and that is all therapy is, talking. What is inconsiderate; she is waiting for you to talk. What do you do when you are waiting for someone or something? Probably mess with your phone? You knew she was waiting for some kind of response and yet you withheld any response from her. Everything is a mirror of our behavior; other people don't just arbitrarily do stuff that doesn't make sense to mess with us; they have their own problems and lives to worry about and don't have time to mess with us.

I disagree when you say therapy is just talking. When I couldn't talk, my T brought out paper and markers, and I wrote and drew. We do breathing exercises. We took a walk outside once. There are many ways of doing therapy besides talking even if a T isn't trained in those methods. A good T has to think "outside the box" sometimes!

[JaneTennison1]

The most valuable session I had was one where I could hardly speak. T sat and contained my feelings, asked questions at the right time and basically contained everything held in the silence. Playing with ones phone is unprofessional and rude. I don't know of many professions where this is an appropriate response to quiet time. She is not at a bar waiting for friends or at a bus stop. She is with you, silence may frustrate her but that pulls a discussion on her end.

If we know how to think/feel/speak we wouldn't be in therapy and while I don't hold T to perfect standards but I do expect professional courtesy.

[Lauliza]

No, you did not overreact. She actually said "I have needs too"? She's your T not your friend or partner. It''s your time and money to do with as you wish (within reason) and if sitting silently is what you choose, so be it. If she's frustrated, she can say so in a professional way: "I'm feeling frustrated that you don't feel comfortable enough to talk, is there something else you'd like to do with this time?", or something at least somewhat valuable. If she's trying to make a statement about your behavior (which I think she was) there are other ways to do it without being juvenile and unprofessional.

[Creative ToFu]

Orangebish,

How are your appointments going with your new T?

[Restin]

While she might have wanted to motivate you to get with it, that isn't the way to do it, in my opinion. I agree with Stopdog, you can sit in silence for whatever reason you do it. I've read a lot about therapy from books and the web, and silence is handled in other ways than T pulling out her phone. That's beyond rude!

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by stopdog

No. You did not over-react in my opinion. If a client wants to sit there in silence - the therapist needs to just go with it and not be an asshole. She is getting paid. A silent client is not wasting her time.

Thank you, well said.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Perna

other people don't just arbitrarily do stuff that doesn't make sense to mess with us

Sounds like that's exactly what she was doing. A mature and patient T would start a dialog about it, and if C wanted silence, then so be it.

Originally Posted by Perna

they have their own problems and lives to worry about and don't have time to mess with us.

The T's problems and life are supposed to be checked at the door, they have nothing to do with therapy.

[TangerineBeam]

Originally Posted by Creative ToFu

Orangebish,

How are your appointments going with your new T?

So far, so good. She's very professional, empathetic, gentle, and I can see that she cares a great deal about her clients (she's very careful not to "hurt" any of her clients, it's her first and foremost priority, as she said). And though it's still hard for me to open up, she's been nothing but helpful. And she's there for me.