[Yearning0723]

I feel like the exact same thing is happening with current T as with former T...right when I thought I could trust her, I did something to screw it all up, leading to termination. A couple weeks after I started seeing this T, I had a dream that she and my former T were coming to my old house together, and I was so excited to see both of them and that they seemed to like each other too, and we were talking all three of us, and I felt really safe. But then former T took me aside and we talked for a bit the two of us, and then she said she had to go and not to follow her, and I needed to be grown up about it.

And then she left, and I ran out of the house after her, and it was snowing outside and I didn't have my coat, and she got into her car and drove away without saying another word to me, and I tried to run after her for about a minute before I sat down in the snow and cried for a bit before getting up and walking back to the house, where current T was waiting for me in the doorway. And when I woke up, I missed former T so much, but at the same time, I felt like my new T was going to be a solid presence for me, and she would stick it out with me. Even though I missed my former T, I felt hopeful about my new T.

But now the same thing is happening with current T, albeit in a more prolonged manner, like taking off a Band-Aid slowly instead of just ripping it off, and I don't know if I like this any better, and this time I don't have another T to wait for me in the doorway. Even after the situation with the pills, when I knew she couldn't work with me anymore, I still felt safe with her, or at least, I wanted to. Even now I trust her more than I've ever trusted anyone else, not even any of my other Ts, not anyone at all.

After that happened, I had this dream where, oddly, former T was there, in the exact same house, and she was mad at me about something and criticizing me and accusing me of manipulating her and my current T as well, but current T was sitting beside me and had her arm around me and was holding me like my former mother figure (who was untrustworthy and unpredictable but much, much beloved) used to hold me, and it felt safe and secure and right, like she was protecting me, like she was safe and stable and just there. (This is not a real thing at all - current T has never touched me, even to shake my hand, and I think I wouldn't like it if she did.) But the symbolism was there - that she had done something unexpected and that had made me doubt her, but at the same time I still felt safe and I still trusted her and wanted to be close to her. And when I woke up, I missed her so much.

And that's exactly how I feel right now. I still trust her, and I still feel good around her, and understood by her, and I miss her so much all the time...I'm even thinking of taking the referral she gave me to repressed-memory T (as I've christened her in my head) - I don't know if that's a good idea or if it's just out of a desire to be close to T, because I know she is fairly close to the other T...part of me just wants to rip this Band-Aid off and be done with it. At least then I would be able to lick my wounds and try to soothe them instead of just going back for more.

I'm confused. Did something actually happen and is termination actually being discussed? Or is this all about your dreams?

[FranzJosef]

Well done for recognising the pattern!

This might be an opportunity to try something you didn't try last time.

Good luck!