[PeeJay]

A few times now, my therapist has reacted to things in a way that tells me she's overthinking it. It's odd because here I am encouraged to be vulnerable and share from the heart and she holds herself above all that.

Some recent examples:

I don't ask for much outside of session, but once, I e-mailed to tell her about a death of someone close to me. She did not respond. Later, she apologized and said that she was trying to weigh whether a response would be therapeutic. ... pause ... she KNEW how much the deceased meant to me and she KNEW that the loss was overwhelming. ...But she didn't respond? Any normal HUMAN BEING (read: not therapist-humanoid) would have responded from the heart and would have at least said, "Oh no, I'm so sorry for your loss."

The therapist told me that she actually cried real tears when she read my e-mail about the loss, but didn't know whether or not to respond. And so she was silent.

Another example: I told her I was excited for her to go on an upcoming vacation where she's traveling to someplace far away. She said, "You don't have to be excited for me." ...I want to be like, "I get to be excited for you if I want to, beeotch!"

And the latest:

I'm going through some intense life stuff right now. She said that while while she is gone for a month-long vacation, I can see another therapist at the clinic. And then she laughed and said, "And who knows! You might find you like this person better. That does happen too! And then you can make that person your therapist."

...

Um ... did she really just say that to me, so cavalierly? It was so hurtful that I just left. I couldn't explain to her why it was hurtful, for I lacked the words.

All I know is that as she said that, my heart constricted and I told myself, "I mustn't cry."

I'm shocked that after more than two years of therapy and how much she's helped me and how much I've told her, she would be so cavalier and laugh at the prospect of me firing her and going to someone else.

I get that she's there for me, and I come first as the client, and yadda yadda yadda ...but from one human being to another, I just can't believe she said that.

I am not sure how to tell her how I feel. These feel like little cracks in the therapeutic relationship. I don't know if it's worth fixing, maybe it'll make it easier to say goodbye one day.

I always appreciate feedback from the PC people!

[Leah123]

I really expect more of a therapist! That's the type of bumbling any normal person might do- be silent when unsure what to say... but I would hope a T would demonstrate more forethought, clarity and emotional responsiveness than a layperson. They're supposed to be highly trained, plus she has some experience I hope?

I encourage you to tell her all this, or better yet, simply give her this- it's perfect as is.

[Leah123]

I will say, some therapists are a lot more analytical and a lot less warm/human than others. My first was a highly esteemed psychoanalyst, actually the president of the CA chapter or something, but she was very cold like that, in her head much more than her heart, and a lot of that was her training with her personality- to view me and other clients with more detachment.

What's your therapist's orientation?

[Watercolor]

So, I am a long time lurker (actually previous member who closed my account) but I had to re-register to reply to this.

I had seen my t for 3.5 years and we had a pretty good relationship. Then her schedule changed and she could no longer see me in the evening after my work day. She told me I'd just have to ask for time off from work. I told her this was simply impossible. She said, "well, let me know when you can arrange it". And that was that. I cried that session- my first time ever crying in therapy- but she was totally nonchalant. She honestly could not care less. I never saw her again.

The other things your t did are even more confusing. When my dog died (which happened on two separate occasions during my time in t) my t was very clear about telling me how sorry she was. For my first dog, I missed an appointment (my only missed appt) because I was at the emergency vet. I emailed what was going on and she immediately replied how sorry she was.

Basic human relational interactions. Why is that too much to ask??

[growlycat]

Your T sounds insecure--like she thinks that you don't like her?? The part about seeing a different T would hurt me too.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

A few times now, my therapist has reacted to things in a way that tells me she's overthinking it. It's odd because here I am encouraged to be vulnerable and share from the heart and she holds herself above all that.

Some recent examples:

I don't ask for much outside of session, but once, I e-mailed to tell her about a death of someone close to me. She did not respond. Later, she apologized and said that she was trying to weigh whether a response would be therapeutic. ... pause ... she KNEW how much the deceased meant to me and she KNEW that the loss was overwhelming. ...But she didn't respond? Any normal HUMAN BEING (read: not therapist-humanoid) would have responded from the heart and would have at least said, "Oh no, I'm so sorry for your loss."

The therapist told me that she actually cried real tears when she read my e-mail about the loss, but didn't know whether or not to respond. And so she was silent.

Another example: I told her I was excited for her to go on an upcoming vacation where she's traveling to someplace far away. She said, "You don't have to be excited for me." ...I want to be like, "I get to be excited for you if I want to, beeotch!"

And the latest:

I'm going through some intense life stuff right now. She said that while while she is gone for a month-long vacation, I can see another therapist at the clinic. And then she laughed and said, "And who knows! You might find you like this person better. That does happen too! And then you can make that person your therapist."

...

Um ... did she really just say that to me, so cavalierly? It was so hurtful that I just left. I couldn't explain to her why it was hurtful, for I lacked the words.

All I know is that as she said that, my heart constricted and I told myself, "I mustn't cry."

I'm shocked that after more than two years of therapy and how much she's helped me and how much I've told her, she would be so cavalier and laugh at the prospect of me firing her and going to someone else.

I get that she's there for me, and I come first as the client, and yadda yadda yadda ...but from one human being to another, I just can't believe she said that.

I am not sure how to tell her how I feel. These feel like little cracks in the therapeutic relationship. I don't know if it's worth fixing, maybe it'll make it easier to say goodbye one day.

I always appreciate feedback from the PC people!

Ouch. I would have burst into tears at the find a different T thing.
Is she inexperienced? ? She seems to either lack confidence, warmth or both...

[junkDNA]

maybe she was joking?? one time i was talking about another T in my Ts building bc i think her name is funny. he said "well she takes ur insurance". so i said "do u want me to go see her?" and he said "heck no!" if i would have left it at the part where he said she takes my insurance i would have felt the same way you do. rejected, like he doesnt care, trying to push me onto someone else. i hope u find the words to let your T know that her words hurt you

[doyoutrustme]

She sounds kind of insecure and maybe even inexperienced. I would wager that he laughter at the idea of replacing her was nervous laughter, not like "haha wouldn't that be funny". Maybe it's happened before and that's how she protects her ego.

[unaluna]

Sounds like she wants to slow t down and discuss these things? Make it more intimate?

[AllHeart]

A lot of T's go into this field of work because they have endured some sort of mental health issue themselves. I can't help but to wonder if your T is struggling with some mental issues. Lack of compassion and low self esteem -- maybe she is depressed herself.

[scorpiosis37]

I couldn't handle that kind of cold/analytical approach. I need a T who is much warmer. Even when my T has said things to me in the past like "I thought about texting you, but I didn't"-- it has made me a little crazy. Like "gee, that would have been nice! Why didn't you?!!!"

[PeeJay]

This is so helpful, thanks so much. I'm reading all your responses multiple times!

Her orientation is emotion-focused, attachment oriented, trauma, and then she's pitched to me EMDR, IFS, and Life Span Integration.

She's helped me a ton but I wonder if she is insecure with me. My former therapist abandoned me and did a lot of damage and so I have taken quite a while to warm up to this T. Also, I have a degree of skepticism about therapy in general, much of which has melted into trust of her.

She's been doing therapy for 40 years, so has a lot of experience. I have always experienced her as slightly cold with flickers of warmth and I'm not sure how much of that is my perception, her staying cool because she thinks that's what I wanted, or her being truly detached from me, the client.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I couldn't handle that kind of cold/analytical approach. I need a T who is much warmer. Even when my T has said things to me in the past like "I thought about texting you, but I didn't"-- it has made me a little crazy. Like "gee, that would have been nice! Why didn't you?!!!"

You normal people make me crazy! Lol. See thats the kind of stuff i say to my t - i thought about texting you but i didnt - and then yeah he gets kinda mad at me not really but i feel like im not understanding something that i should. Like that a normal person -him or an SO - would want to know that my cold is better or whatever. But yeah i am kind of appalled that a t would say "i almost texted you". I would tell them to pay me for the hour!! Wtf?? What are you supposed to say to that? What is the therapeutic purpose of that? Now ill have to ask my t?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by hankster

You normal people make me crazy! Lol. See thats the kind of stuff i say to my t - i thought about texting you but i didnt - and then yeah he gets kinda mad at me not really but i feel like im not understanding something that i should. Like that a normal person -him or an SO - would want to know that my cold is better or whatever. But yeah i am kind of appalled that a t would say "i almost texted you". I would tell them to pay me for the hour!! Wtf?? What are you supposed to say to that? What is the therapeutic purpose of that? Now ill have to ask my t?

When my T said that, I think the point she was making was that she had thought about me. She knew I had X going on that day, and wanted to text me a message of support. However, she felt that for some reason it would be "inappropriate" for a T to text a client unsolicited, so she didn't. So, I think, she wanted me to know that she cared in a way that wouldn't overstep any boundaries. Of course, I disagree that it would have been inappropriate for her to send a quick text that said "Thinking of you today because you're doing X. Hope it goes well." I think that would have been really nice!

[unaluna]

That makes sense thanks. Funny how the exact same words from t or client can be completely different. Sane for t, maybe not so sane for me.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by hankster

That makes sense thanks. Funny how the exact same words from t or client can be completely different. Sane for t, maybe not so sane for me.

Doesn't necessarily mean T is sane. T could be an anxious, neurotic, rule-follower who is paralyzed by his/her own fears about what the "right" thing to do is with each client. I'm not saying this is the case for my T or yours, just that it could be for a T.

[Rive.]

I don't mean to dismiss your experience and feelings and truth be told, I don't agree with the way your T handled it... but then again, it shows that Ts are humans and can mess up (moreover, putting it in perspective, she didn't mess up in an unethical or major boundaries crossing way etc.). If Ts were robots, they'd read from a script for 'perfect' responses. There is no such thing, no manual: they have their limitations, their emotions get in the way, they aren't sure how best to respond/help by causing the least harm. In short, the scenarios you depict only serve to highlight their (limited and fallible) humanity...

Just my take.

I agree it is a bit incomprehensible why she didn't respond to your email about the loss. Could she not feel how it would feel to you to not get any response after you'd shared your pain with her? I don't know what reason she could possibly think of for not replying? It reminds me a bit of my mother's parenting. She felt that I should be entirely independent, even as an infant/toddler.

She sounds untrained and unskilled

[RedSun]

Hmmm, to me it sounds like she is holding boundaries, maybe to encourage you to use other resources. For example, with the email about the bereavement, yes, a normal human being who you are close to would have responded, but she is a T. Some day, she won't be there for you, you won't be able to email if something like that happens. Maybe she is mindful of that, and forcing you to reach out to others who, hopefully, will be there. Just a thought.
And the vacation thing sounds like her holding her own boundaries around her stuff. She doesn't need your input because its not about you...so maybe modelling that independence to you?
Not so sure about the other T thing though, sounds like a genuine human vulnerability showing through, or that she is again reminding you that your relationship with her is temporary and transient and will end one day.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by Red75

Hmmm, to me it sounds like she is holding boundaries, maybe to encourage you to use other resources. For example, with the email about the bereavement, yes, a normal human being who you are close to would have responded, but she is a T. Some day, she won't be there for you, you won't be able to email if something like that happens. Maybe she is mindful of that, and forcing you to reach out to others who, hopefully, will be there. Just a thought.
And the vacation thing sounds like her holding her own boundaries around her stuff. She doesn't need your input because its not about you...so maybe modelling that independence to you?
Not so sure about the other T thing though, sounds like a genuine human vulnerability showing through, or that she is again reminding you that your relationship with her is temporary and transient and will end one day.

I guess I sort of get this, but then, why not just end it now?

Also, the whole "the T might not be here in the future" just seems mean. She's here *now* and she's my therapist *now* and I had a death of someone whom I worked with her a lot on. (I only really knew this person who died because my therapist encouraged me to develop a relationship with this person. So she played an active secret role in that relationship.)

When you say a "genuine human vulnerability showing through," do you think she really would care on some level if I just fired her and worked with someone else?

[stopdog]

I have never found therapists cared if clients left them and went to other ones. They have income to worry about like every other business, but I doubt it is a big deal to most of them on a personal level.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by Watercolor

So, I am a long time lurker (actually previous member who closed my account) but I had to re-register to reply to this.

I had seen my t for 3.5 years and we had a pretty good relationship. Then her schedule changed and she could no longer see me in the evening after my work day. She told me I'd just have to ask for time off from work. I told her this was simply impossible. She said, "well, let me know when you can arrange it". And that was that. I cried that session- my first time ever crying in therapy- but she was totally nonchalant. She honestly could not care less. I never saw her again.

The other things your t did are even more confusing. When my dog died (which happened on two separate occasions during my time in t) my t was very clear about telling me how sorry she was. For my first dog, I missed an appointment (my only missed appt) because I was at the emergency vet. I emailed what was going on and she immediately replied how sorry she was.

Basic human relational interactions. Why is that too much to ask??

Exactly! Just be a person, already!

I'm shocked that your T essentially lost you as a client without a proper goodbye, or even any shared fondness. Non-therapist people don't behave that way, at least not if they are as open hearted as Ts encourage us to be.

[Kat605]

This is so sad.
That you've worked two years I think it was and she said this stuff. Isn't emotion focused like relational therapy about being you know genuine and all that. There was someone on here when I was on here last year who had an emotion focused t and they were all about I don't remember just that the t held this woman a lot and there was physical contact.. along with that a ton of nurturing responding as much as possible to everything. Of course all ts are different.
What I had to reply to comment on was the IFS thing. I don't know how much that plays a part in the mix of therapies she uses. But I went to an intern a couple years ago who did the IFS. She had very strict boundaries actually about how she wanted the session to go and would interrupt me in order to do things her way. When I was upset ETC she wasn't very moved and kept talking about me as parts and that my self needed to take care of them. So there really wasn't a focus on our connection. Which is sad because she was a very nice woman when she wasn't being controling! When I told her after a session where she directed everything this whole "interview" with different parts of me that I hated this therapy wasn't geting anything out of it and whatever else and was crying all she said was thank you for sharing and that's it. So yeah your description kinda matched the IFS thing. And for the person who had been seeing their t for four years and literally ended it over a scheduling conflict that's pritty bad too.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I encourage you to tell her all this, or better yet, simply give her this- it's perfect as is.

So I've thought a lot about giving her this and I just ... can't.

It's too vulnerable. I think I will go in and say, "You acted as if I had provoked you. What did I do to provoke you to retaliate with that line about me going to another therapist?"

I think I sometimes intimidate her, but who knows. I sometimes treat her like an employee, insofar as I am thankful for her help, but I don't worship the ground she walks on and I'm often critical of the therapy format in general. I'm not hypercritical of HER or her mode of therapy. But I question some of the structures that are in place (as I do with everything.)

Like, I'll ask her how she's doing and she'll say, "Fine," and I will say, "Well I suppose you wouldn't admit it if you weren't?"

Or she'll say, "I'm happy to see you," and I'll say, "Thanks! Would you ever admit to the opposite?"

I'm in a bind. I don't like that Ts can't be honest about their true reactions to you, but at the same time, I'm paying her to be a therapist and nothing else, and so what do I expect?

And also, I take slight pleasure in provoking her a bit because it makes me laugh (on the inside) when she bites her tongue. I think her heart is mostly in the right place, and she works hard for her clients, but I am not going to gush over her. And I am often a gushy person.

I wonder if I've gotten all that I can from therapy, and we both know it, and it's time to move on. But then what? I don't want to say goodbye.