[MaybeYes]

I read a lot about how clients want hugs, but therapists set a no hug boundary, and I wanted to hear from people in the reverse situation.

My T has recently told me that at the end of sessions he always wishes we would hug. He said he doesn't hug all of his clients, and he wouldn't hug me if I didn't want to, of course. It's just that he thinks I leave kind of abruptly and very matter-of-fact.

I am not really a hugger, but I hug family with little problems if they initiate it. I think there are two issues of why I don't want to hug him. The first being that after a session I feel pretty vulnerable and dirty and hugging my T feels even more exposing and threatening. Although, I'm starting to think that it might actually be very healing, like if he wants to hug me after we talk about serious stuff that I must not be all that awful afterall.

The second reason is that I'm afraid I'll like it too much. I wouldn't say I currently have any erotic transference towards him, but I'm afraid it might open the floodgates on that.

I've been thinking about asking him to hug in the middle of a session so that if I freak out we can talk about it then and there instead of me having to deal with it for a week.

Anyone else feel this way?

[Perna]

I had a therapist (group) like that and we compromised by starting with shaking hands :-) Another client in the group was jealous and wanted a hug from her which she gave and the whole threesome thing (we were the last two clients to leave the room; the therapist had MS and had trouble walking so would be very last to leave with the other co-therapist after they had analyzed the session, etc.) added a little grist to my experience mill.

If he was "complaining" that you seem to leave abruptly. Stop for a handshake and wish him a good afternoon/evening? :-) You can practice looking him in the eyes for that 10 seconds, etc.

[Petra5ed]

I overthink a lot of things but for some reason never overthought hugging my therapist, before it happened at least, I never expected him to offer or me to initiate a hug, but when he did I was 100% sure I wanted to. I do have erotic transference, but the hugs didn't contribute I don't think. My suggestion is don't do it if you don't want to, you sound unsure so I would just talk to him about it. If you want to hug mid session then yeah, try that. Touch is a big deal to me, and most of us I would imagine... If you have a lot of feelings for your therapist, and like me were kind of deprived of safe touch as a kid, I think it can be very healing when you're in the right spot for it.

[stopdog]

I am not that huggy with people I know and like - I certainly do not want to hug a therapist.
I would think if a therapist was getting all put out because I left abruptly - they can deal with it with their own therapist. I see time is up, toss money on the table, and walk out. The woman has never said anything about it. Sometimes she used to say goodbye as I walked out, I think. If she did, I think she has finally stopped. The woman did shake my hand at the first meeting and tried to do so thereafter - but I declined after the first time.

[Tearinyourhand]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I overthink a lot of things but for some reason never overthought hugging my therapist, before it happened at least, I never expected him to offer or me to initiate a hug, but when he did I was 100% sure I wanted to. I do have erotic transference, but the hugs didn't contribute I don't think. My suggestion is don't do it if you don't want to, you sound unsure so I would just talk to him about it. If you want to hug mid session then yeah, try that. Touch is a big deal to me, and most of us I would imagine... If you have a lot of feelings for your therapist, and like me were kind of deprived of safe touch as a kid, I think it can be very healing when you're in the right spot for it.

my experience is so similar! hugs didn't exist until they did. i like them a lot but I never let on that I do.

[brillskep]

It sounds like you already know very well what your fears are and what a possible solution might be. You show a lot of clarity in this post. The only thing I feel the need to say is, please make sure that whatever you choose to do is for you. Therapy is a time and place for yourself, so make sure you´re not saying yes just for the therapist´s sake, but rather consider possible pros and cons for yourself.

[TheWell]

I like your idea of hugging in the middle of the session so if anything comes up from the hug you can talk about it. If it feels good then you can end your sessions with a hug. If it feels weird it will give you something to talk about.

[MaybeYes]

Thank you all for the responses. I am over analyzing this. It should be a simple hug, but it's not. And like others, I didn't really think about it until he mentioned it. Part of me also thinks it's weird since so many other therapists wouldn't hug.

He's not complaining or acting put out really. I think he's just trying to get me to open up and connect. He's pointed out that we have these great conversations and when time is up all that warmth disappears and I'm very professional, possibly to protect myself against not seeing him for another week.

We have talked about a lot of it, just not about the ET part. I'm just trying to figure out if I don't want to hug him because I simply don't want to, or if it's really something that might be beneficial, if not actually hugging, but at least diving into and discussing in detail.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by MaybeYes

I read a lot about how clients want hugs, but therapists set a no hug boundary, and I wanted to hear from people in the reverse situation.

My T has recently told me that at the end of sessions he always wishes we would hug. He said he doesn't hug all of his clients, and he wouldn't hug me if I didn't want to, of course. It's just that he thinks I leave kind of abruptly and very matter-of-fact.

I am not really a hugger, but I hug family with little problems if they initiate it. I think there are two issues of why I don't want to hug him. The first being that after a session I feel pretty vulnerable and dirty and hugging my T feels even more exposing and threatening. Although, I'm starting to think that it might actually be very healing, like if he wants to hug me after we talk about serious stuff that I must not be all that awful afterall.

The second reason is that I'm afraid I'll like it too much. I wouldn't say I currently have any erotic transference towards him, but I'm afraid it might open the floodgates on that.

I've been thinking about asking him to hug in the middle of a session so that if I freak out we can talk about it then and there instead of me having to deal with it for a week.

Anyone else feel this way?

Let me tell you about my hugs with T situation since it sounds similar to yours. I used to leave my T's office abruptly and matter of factly. I was not a hugger. I felt undeserving of hugs, and they reminded me of how dirty I was. Who would want to hug someone dirty, right? Anyway, at some point a while ago, my T offered to give me hugs at the end of every session. I was hesitant and scared. I also feared that I might become addicted to them.

Well, I gave it a shot. Initially I would go into fight-flight-freeze mode and couldn't feel the hugs. Then my T added hugs at the beginning of the session to try to help with that. After a short while, I did get addicted to her hugs. I wanted them all the time, even though I couldn't feel them. But this "addiction" wasn't anything that was hard to handle--it was really just a controllable craving that eventually subsided.

It took many months before I could feel the hugs. When I finally did, it was the most wonderful feeling in the world. I still feel so safe, warm and cared for during those 5 (?) second hugs. And I don't feel dirty in the least anymore, either. No more abrupt session endings. Overall, T's hugs have been extremely healing for me in many ways -- life-saving, really.

I think asking your T for a hug either at the begging or middle of a session is a great way to test the waters. I hope you give it a go!

PS - As for your erotic transference worries, I would venture to say that IF that is going to happen, it's going to happen with or without the hugs anyway.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree with the suggestion to try a handshake. That's what my marriage counselor does when we leave (and he usually says something like "good to see you"). Sometimes he does it when we come in, too. It seems sort of business-like, maybe, but it's still more than no physical touch at all, like my T. Then if that feels OK, maybe gradually progress up to a hug.

[lunatic soul]

I wanted to hug a pastor who really helped me in my crisis and Im sure he wouldnt mind but I didnt do it because I was afraid I would like it too much and I was afraid I would attract to him so I can understand what you are saying. If you are not sure, dont do it.

When I hugged my T, I lost my mind when after few hugs he said we wont hug anymore but I wanted his hugs too much so I never regret it that we hugged.

[RedSun]

I agree with LunaticSoul, if you're not sure, then don't. Tbh, most T's don't hug (though it doesn't always seem that way reading pc ) and those that do, it still needs to be really initiated by the client so that the client is in control and can establish their own boundaries. If you hadn't wanted a hug before, and felt that it would be therapeutically beneficial, then maybe don't change your own boundaries to accommodate your therapists wishes.