In four days, I start my internship at an inpatient psych hospital. Before long, I will have my own caseload of clients. It will last one year.

I will be their therapist.

I haven't been too nervous. Mostly because I am settliing into the idea that I am finally going to be doing what it is that I am meant to do.

But the other stuff is starting to sink in, too. So I'm getting a little scared. I hope I am ready for this.

I'm not scared that I can't do therapy. Rather, I'm scared that my own stuff will interfere. What if I fall into one of my depressive episodes? What if I have a client who is a self-injurer, and the countertransference is too intense? What if I have a panic attack? What if I hate it?

I get really apprehensive when I have to step out of the comfort zone that I have created. For the last 2 years, it has always been work, school, home. Now I am adding something new.

I need my T right now.

I never got to talk about this with him on Friday.

And I feel like I can never call him again. And I left so mad at him...

[lauren_helene]

Hey there, you're up too! Don't worry, you are going to be an awesome therapist.

I understand the countertransference concerns. I know you can handle it both good and bad. That is what practice is all about. Amazon has tons of books on countertransference. There are books too that you can read where therapist talk in detail about their good and bad cases, how they handled issues and how they handle issues now...I have one of them but I'm forgetting the name...I'll get back to you on that

Hey. I think any kind of change is a bit nerve wracking - for me at any rate. I used to feel a bit anxious at the start of every semester. What would my classes be like? Would I find some friends? Would the lecturer like me? Then, when I started tutoring that was a lot more scary. Would I be able to do this? Would they like me? What if I get depressed or have a panic attack? It got better over time but still every semester was a bit scary. Untill you had met everybody a couple of times.

So... I guess I think that it is understandable that things would be feeling a bit scary for you. Firstly, it is a new experience. Secondly, I'd imagine that there always would be a bit of nervousness when you meet a client for the first couple of times.

You can do it sweetie. You will be GREAT :-)

I think it probably is likely that you will that you click with some clients more than you click with others. Just like how we click with some therapists more than others. I think it is likely that some of your clients will bring stuff up for you too. But... It will be a learning experience for you both :-) You should get some kind of supervision to process things... But you also have your therapist. If therapy brings up stuff for you it might be great to take that along to your therapist. I guess I think... I really like to think... That therapy is a learning experience for both the patient and the therapist. I know not everybody agrees but... Surely the therapist should be getting something out of it (or why do it?)

> And I feel like I can never call him again. And I left so mad at him...

((((Pinksoil))))
You can call him again even though it feels like you can't.
And... Your mad won't last forever. It too shall pass.

[MissCharlotte]

Pink,

I can tell from your posts that you are a caring, thoughtful person = a caring, thoughtful T.

The countertransference is part of the package isn't it? Won't you have supervision?

Yes you can call your t again. What if one of your clients was you? Would you tell them to call again or not?

You go girl!

You can't know the unknown.

You'll have to see how it goes and see what comes up.

What if everything works out just fine?



Of course you're nervous; it's a change and it's important to you to do well.

If you feel you aren't ready, can this be postponed while you work through your own stuff in therapy?

[selfy]

hun you will be fabby doo... you will b able to see things from their point ov view.
do u know how many Ts have Ts?
u will b fine. im sure u will do alot better than many Ts i know of. i mean just paying attention is better than alot of Ts...
have fun, and dont worry, coz u will b fine
tc
self

[SecretGarden]

I wish you well Pink. Perhaps your fear and all that was swirling in your head about this new experience that is upcoming is partly the reason that you had such havoc in your last visit. You were keeping busy so you could not discuss it perhaps.

I think that you can call your T but not expect him to mind read. You can call him and tell him that you are worried about this upcoming event and need ____________ specifically what from him.

I find it incredibly curious that this was not the topic of the last visit and assume that both you and he knew this was coming up?

At any rate Pink, I think you will do well. I do not think they will start you off with difficult patients but work you up to more difficult situations. That would be the responsible thing for them to do..and logical progression. I think you can be sensitive to patients that have similar issues or issues that trigger you. You may be able to bow off trigger patients at least initially. You will have a psychiatrist I assume there to work through your patients and your concerns that will provide guidance. You will not be left out there without support. They wish for you to succeed. You will also have your McWilliams and other vast knowledge within your reach. And of course you will have your T and perhaps even work in visits as you can/need. (Do not get angry but know that has been offered to you genuinely, generously and caringly.) At this time of your professional development you need to accept the kindnesses that your therapist offers if indeed you wish to discuss your professional development. If you wish to work through your anger with the world (which is also valid) with him then stay on the same angry track.

You will indeed need to keep in mind that you are in an incredibly tamultuous (sp?) time of your therapy and separate that from what you wish for your probable short term patients in the hospital. I think you can do this.

Is your T supposed to be your person for professional development or just personal development? I am presuming your professional development is to be dealt with through the hospital you will be working at...though they may overlap. Excuse my confusion.

Perhaps your desires for success (and not failure) will help facilitate your taking your meds as they have been prescribed for the sake of your patients and your career. Taking your meds will also facilitate your personal therapy but at this point I realize that you might be more willing to take them for your professional progression. Practice taking the meds as needed and it should become more natural. You can work this through with your T. Just know that you will be discussing meds and what they mean to people in the therapies that you do in the hospital. Try to be able to speak from success in this area as it is so very important to the success of many that are hospitalized.

This experience could facilitate all kinds of success and change in you. I think that you feel confident in your skills and that you will have avenues for help in working through what might get mixed in with your own schtuff. I think this should be standard in a teaching facility.

I wish you the best Pink. It is incredibly anxiety producing which is normal... just do what you need to do to take care of you and therefore your clients. Be good to you Pink. I think that you have faith in your professional prowess. Go for it.

[Perna]

Don't worry about the what-ifs until you get to them. I'm sure every beginning therapist feels just as nervous, has their own issues, etc.

Were I you, I'd get my mind recording my experience to tell your T next time. At least you'll have something to talk about that's "different" :-) I think like every job, the first few weeks/months, etc. no one is expecting you to be perfect right off the bat? Inpatients usually have/get therapists outside and are only there for so long/specific purposes, etc. so probably not as intense? Learn all you can, it's still "school" just a different phase!

[SecretGarden]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Perna said:
Don't worry about the what-ifs until you get to them. I'm sure every beginning therapist feels just as nervous, has their own issues, etc.

Were I you, I'd get my mind recording my experience to tell your T next time. At least you'll have something to talk about that's "different" :-) I think like every job, the first few weeks/months, etc. no one is expecting you to be perfect right off the bat? Inpatients usually have/get therapists outside and are only there for so long/specific purposes, etc. so probably not as intense? Learn all you can, it's still "school" just a different phase!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This really is just school.... a different phase and in a safe environment... Your colleagues are used to students coming in and helping them take flight. Enjoy.

[sidony]

Pinksoil!!!

You will be a great therapist! Every job takes practice, and I'm sure it'll feel really hard at first. When I first started my work (totally different field) I felt like I was so bad at it, and I was really depressed about it. And you know what? I bought books, I looked at millions of examples (I'm a graphic designer), and I just kept on going and going. And now I feel very competent, but I still have struggles. Some days I just don't have an idea in my head, and I worry. But it always works out. Sometimes just taking a break from thinking about something gives me fresh new ideas. But I don't mean to talk about myself -- I'm just trying to say: It's gonna be hard at first (as you suspect), but you'll totally get through it, and you're gonna be a great therapist! And of course you'll have your own therapist there to help you work through things along the way. One of my best friends in real life is a psychologist, and she's always had a therapist (she's been seeing the same one for 10 years now). I think she can even write that off as a business expense now since she's in private practice.

Don't worry about hating it. I've hated every job I had at the beginning. Because at the beginning you don't know all the unspoken rules and you feel like a big old moron (or at least I did). That totally goes away. You are gonna love your work. You're just about to embark on a big old suck-y transition that's gonna be a pain in the @ss.

I think you have loads of insight and you'll be able to figure out how to keep your own stuff out of the way. I'm sure that's a struggle for all therapists.

Best of luck!!!!

Sidony

Thank you, everyone, for your encouragement!

The hospital that I am interning at is a wonderful one. It is a teaching hospital, and they love to take on interns.

Supervision will be a huge part of it. It will occur on a regular (very often) basis.

Secret, my T is here to help me on a personal basis, which I guess ties in to a professional basis, being that the two can certainly overlap. I know that my supervisor can help me with a lot of the countertransference stuff, but I wouldn't want to reveal a great deal of my "stuff" to her-- that is a way in which my T can help me personally and professionally.. because countertransference is a combination of both. I love what you said about the meds-- discussion through success. I can try that.

It didn't come up in my last session because the thought ot it didn't even enter my mind. I guess all the other 'stuff' was in the forefront of my unconscious and took precendence. I start on Wednesday... I know it will be a rather short day there, mostly orientation. Then I see him on Friday. So I'm only going to be there once before I see him. Maybe it will be even better to talk with him after I've been there once-- because there will be much more to base it on.

I just can't believe I am up to this point. After all the years of schooling, I am finally up to this point. This is the one that matters most. It is the clinical experience that will go on my resume, and most of all-- it is the clinical experience and recommendation letter that will go with my applications to doctoral school. I don't wanna mess up!!!

Maybe I'll leave T a message on Monday night and say, "Don't think that I don't still hate you, but I need some reassurance about my internship...." Haha... can't give even him give him an inch to spare.

[SecretGarden]

I am pleased for you Pink....and excited for you. I think you will do fine and between your T and the folks at the facility that you will feel supported. Of course we will be here too. ;-)

Yup... you could also take a small haitus and switch from anger to support .... and then get back in to the ring as time allows. LOL...

((Pink))

So... are you thinking back to school after this year?

yep... i'm set to graduate in may 2008. applying for doctoral in a couple of months, so if i get in, i would start in fall '08... and mostly likely skip out on the licensure exam for the master's degree since i would go directly in (if i get accepted which is a while other thing... fear of rejection almost strong enough to not apply)

[pegasus]

Best of luck!

[sunrise]

pinksoil, I think you will do great as a T!

RE countertransference: I know one thing that helps me with my own T, is that when he is having countertransference (at least some times), he voices it outloud to me, that he is having it and struggling to contain it, to do the right thing. It's kind of like by acknowledging it, the countertransference somehow loses part of its power or hold. (Plus it makes the client feel included in the therapeutic process, a must for humanistic T's, like my guy.) I don't know if that would fit into your approach or not.

A favorite book of mine is called The Call of Stories: Teaching and the Moral Imagination by Robert Coles, who was a psychiatrist and professor of literature at Harvard. The first few chapters are about his internship in a hospital as a brand new pdoc/therapist. One of the big things he learned from his supervisor was just to listen to his patients, rather than trying fancy/advanced interventions and interpretations at first. He uses a lot of literature in his therapy, so you might also find that interesting, given your bent toward lit.

%#@&#!. It's tomorrow. A bit excited, a bit nervous, need my T so I can be a T, lol. I almost called him. But didn't. Wish me luck. Thanks for the support, guys.