[haier]

I've been in therapy for awhile now and I'm just beginning to talk about more serious issues. At my last session I discovered that my mom is a huge trigger for me. I told my T I am scared of my mom. In every sense of the word, I don't trust her, I hate her etc...but I can't break free from her either. It's complicated and difficult. I mentioned she made me feel like a kid, small and helpless. And she asked me, "what age? ". And I couldn't answer her...I don't really know. I asked why that mattered and she said because that's where the work would start for me. We had to get me from that age to my age now. She told me to think about and then we would work on that. I felt really uncomfortable and I am kind of scared now. Just for a lot of reasons. Does anyone know what's going on? Like what I should expect? Or maybe some info on what she's talking about because I'm confused and it's making me really anxious.
Thank you

[Leah123]

It's not necessary to work from specific ages, though that's a popular appraoch in some therapies. What she's getting at, for example, is figuring out when something frightening happened to you with your mother, so you can deal with that event and how it impacted you. Some would say that when something horrible happens, trauma, part of us can stop developing at that point or be wounded, and we need to address those parts to help us feel more whole and powerful and well. As you discuss your history with your mom, it will help resolve those fearful, hateful, distrustful reactions, so that they won't startle you, have such power over you or cause you to react instinctively (perhaps in ways you don't want to) instead of throughtfully and deliberately.

You don't need to rush that process, she should be comfortable moving at your pace, so while anxiety and upset are par for the course when talking about difficult things, she should be able to help you moderate them through pacing, self-care plans and other techniques as needed.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by haier

I've been in therapy for awhile now and I'm just beginning to talk about more serious issues. At my last session I discovered that my mom is a huge trigger for me. I told my T I am scared of my mom. In every sense of the word, I don't trust her, I hate her etc...but I can't break free from her either. It's complicated and difficult. I mentioned she made me feel like a kid, small and helpless. And she asked me, "what age? ". And I couldn't answer her...I don't really know. I asked why that mattered and she said because that's where the work would start for me. We had to get me from that age to my age now. She told me to think about and then we would work on that. I felt really uncomfortable and I am kind of scared now. Just for a lot of reasons. Does anyone know what's going on? Like what I should expect? Or maybe some info on what she's talking about because I'm confused and it's making me really anxious.
Thank you

usually when someone tells a therapist they feel like a kid and go into child like descriptions (small helpless) its because they have felt like this at certain times in their childhood. usually those times are very memorable..

example I remember when a cousin made me feel small and helpless. I was 10 years old. we were walking along and we came across a large tree just right for climbing, I refused and my cousins called me names and made me feel small and helpless. later as an adult any time I would be doing something that was challenging or around people with strong attitudes I would feel like I did on that day when my cousins made me feel like that 10 year old, small and helpless child again.

this concept in therapy terms is the therapy approach called the child with in. the premise is that everyone has times in their lives when they have felt like a child.

your therapist most likely wants to know what age you were when you first felt the same way you do now and what in your childhood made you feel that way. you know it was during your childhood other wise you would not have said you felt small and helpless , like a kid. a person doesnt know they feel like a kid unless they have some reference point in their lives like when they felt this way when they were a child.

its kind of like some people say getting a promotion at work feels like they just graduated high school. how do they know. because they remember graduating high school. its just not something someone says without having a reference point to compare the two. in this case being an adult and feeling helpless and small needs a reference point other wise you cant compare how you feel as an adult to being a kid.

sounds strange I know but if you think about it you will most likely remember why you used the words small and helpless like a kid and will be able to tell your therapist when you have felt this way in childhood in order to compare the two

[Soccer mom]

I get it. After several months of therapy after losing my mom, I told my T. I wanted her to care (or one of my many needs). I told her I felt like a kid. She asked what age. I said I didn't know but I'm guessing 7. I literally guessed. And, then I realized when I was that age, I attached to my first grade teacher. It's my first memory of attaching to another motherly figure instead of my own. We've talked about my life before then and after and it was a good starting point. But, I had to figure that part out myself (why that age).

Try to figure out what age (toddler, kid, middle school, high school) and then think about different things that happened in that time period. It may take you awhile.

I don't think putting it like that is helpful. Therapy just works. The area that shows up each season is where your start.
Naming ages feels contrived and can work against you.

I read up on 'trauma bonded' and found that helpful.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I don't think putting it like that is helpful. Therapy just works. The area that shows up each season is where your start.
Naming ages feels contrived and can work against you.

I read up on 'trauma bonded' and found that helpful.

here in my location we call (your words trauma bonded) by another phrase.....Stockholm syndrome...a mental problem where an abused person can relate to, be attached to, and sometimes love their abuser because of the dynamics (punishment\reward system) in place. thought I would add that in case you were looking for further reading on trauma bonded.

[haier]

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. It was just kind of scary. I don't know why but I feel a lot better about it now. I know it sounds dumb, I feel like I overreact when I get caught off guard. Which is exactly what happened. I want to get better so bad. And I get down on myself because I feel like I'm so scared sometimes. Hopefully this will help. Thanks again!

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Well, I speak for myself, but it may help, the coping methods and thinking patterns you used to survive in childhood set the pattern for adult life for some people. It can be helpful if you can recognise these patterns for their historical usefulness and their harmfulness when used as an adult.