self acceptance

I had therapy this morning, and it's had me thinking. I just can't comprehend being kind to myself, loving, nurturing, caring. Feeling like I matter. I've been in therapy over a year (twice a week sessions), and although I've changed in some ways, this is something I can't seem to break free of. Listening to myself talk, I really do have a great deal of self loathing. Can this ever go away? My T talks and talks... about how I have to treat myself with care, love myself (so to speak), and be all those things...loving, nurturing, caring. If I can't break free from this habit, therapy will not help me.

Has anyone else been in therapy, but just feel like feeling better about oneself is a lost cause? I feel like I'm wasting time sometimes, and in 14 months of fairly extensive therapy, I've not budged. I figure if I try to take better care of myself, I'll eventually start to FEEL better about myself. I just don't know what to do to quit hating the person that I am so much. How do I break free from this??

You are not alone...

For me it was just taking the small steps to self-acceptance and self-compassion. I beat myself up a lot so my T would point it out to me every time and help me rephrase the stuff I was thinking so that is was more positive. It's not an easy thing to change but being open to what your T is suggesting to you is really important.

I think it just starts with acknowledging the moments were your are being negative toward yourself. Once you can notice those moments and accept that how you're talking to yourself is not helpful, then you can make the changes to replace the negativity with other things.

It's about being open to the change and not fighting it. I'm sure your T is doing everything she can to bring awareness to you and offering alternative ways of thinking about yourself but if you don't actually want to change it, it probably won't happen.

I think that the fact that you see it as a goal to feel better about yourself and get rid of the self-loathing means that it is possible for it to happen.

I want to change it, I just can't seem to. I also, USUALLY, know when I'm thinking something hateful, and try to stop myself. I'm 41 years old and been this way my whole life. I didn't expect change to happen right away, I just thought I'd feel some improvement by now somehow.... thanks for your replies! As I've told my T, I'm my own worst enemy.... and I don't want to be.

Yes, a lifetime struggle for me, convinced that I have never been and can never be good enough, capable enough, smart enough, attractive enough, interesting enough, relevant enough, anything enough.

The feelings have always resisted every attempt to shine a logical light on them, because I can always counter with all of the perfectly sound and objective reasons why I'm convinced they're all true. I'm also convinced the people who challenge my perceptions are lying to me just to make me feel better.

It seems to me that your therapist should probably try a different tack than just telling you what you should be doing, since that's not working. Someone insisting on my good points or certain behaviors has never convinced me of them.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I agree. Small steps, one at a time. If you try to make big changes, all at once, you will be unsuccessful. What are some things you enjoy doing, that you haven't done, lately? What are some things you'd like to try? Think about that, and then do one of them. Good luck to you.

I've dealt with the same situation as you, the self loathing. I WAS getting better but have fallen back into some self blame habits, so I guess I still have some work to do

I feel the same way. For me, my T has gotten very persistent and creative on helping me with this. So now when I get really cruel with myself I say "well J says I'm not x, I'm y"....it doesn't work all the time or even most of the time but my T says the goal right now is just to get a non-negative voice in my head somewhere even if I don't listen to it. So it's constantly "J says this. J says that. You are just repeating what you parents told you which is no more valid than what J is telling you"...at least it's a different voice, not so cruel and crushing. ..btw I've been in therapy for 3 years now and my T says this work could take years yet to complete. It's like reprogramming your entire brain.

I'm sure it won't be easy. But I do think it's possible, if you truly don't want to be your own enemy.

I can relate to a lifetime of feeling like this - we're the same age, you and I, and I can't remember any time when I haven't loathed myself.

I'm right there with you. I think I was starting to do better with it, then slipped into a major depressive episode a couple months ago and am now doing much worse with it. I talked to my T on the phone earlier, and she noted how I was saying so many negative things about myself and blaming myself for everything. Seeing my p-doc tomorrow and she'll hopefully give me a different med. Cymbalta's either not helping or making it worse...

I am in the exact same boat! I've been in therapy for 1.5 years this round, and I made some improvements against self-loathing on and off during this time. In the last few months though, I seem to have become the worst I've ever been in my entire life. I don't get it.

Thanks, everyone, for the replies! Good to know A, I'm not alone and B, that there are some things that helped others get on the right track!

I'm not sure that a therapist can help this issue by telling you to love yourself. I see therapy as helping by helping you to feel it - if you feel yourself being accepted by another person, and maybe also feel yourself accepting the other person in turn, you start to feel differently.

I'm not entirely sure, but I think my therapy is helping me to feel differently. I can see that I'm talking to the people in my life more openly and less self - consciously, I think I'm starting to feel differently.

Are you questioning whether seeing your T is helping you? I think you've been questioning this for a while.

I agree. In fact, the more a therapist tells me or encourages me to do that, I get worse. The therapist I see now (going on 8 months) only tried this once and it did not go over well at all. Now that she doesn't do this, I've actually had moments of feeling sort of okay with myself. Nothing crazy, but a break in the self-hate show.

I've been through a lot of therapy and therapists. Except for the therapist I see now, they all did the self-acceptance number and it always backfired.

I am sorry you feel this way. I think and that's just my opinion that there is something one could do to feel better about themselves

Do things for others. improve other people's lives. It is easier to do if you have a job that involves some type of service. Like kids, or sick people or animals. If you do not have job like that then do something like volunteering.
Hospitals or shelters etc

It's kind of hard to put yourself down when you clean the kitchen in a homeless shelter or comfort crying child.

Just an example. I don't necessarily think that servicing others is the only salvation but it sure puts life in to perspective and makes ones life meaningful.

Having some type of purpose in life makes a difference. I think. I am not trying to down play feeling bad about oneself. But I think there are things one can do.

I believe it would make more difference than listening to t saying encouraging words. I don't think words make a big difference. That's maybe why you dont see the difference in your self acceptance is because these are just words that t says. Sure words could be very helpful. But it's not everything. One needs action

Now the other thing that might help is to have fun hobby that you are good at. Something you proud of even the most simple thing like you bake good cookies or you can swim fast. So do that and show it off to others

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I had to add that I have students with very low self esteem and good way to help is to ask them for help with something. Just telling them to love themselves isn't helpful. But boy are they proud they could help Someone! That's just another example how helping others is a boost to ones self esteem

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My T actually sees this as a downfall. I am a helper, big time. And my jobs have always involved "taking care" of others. I am constantly doing favors for people, being there for them, being overly generous, and she sees this as a fault. So, I guess I overdo it in that department.

BayBrony's remarks remind me of a podcast about someone who programmed a "bot" to email insults to himself. It made him more resistant to negative internal talk. I want to try this see if it helps.

Podcast: Reply All: #8 Anxiety Box | FanFare

I agree with this. My career and volunteer work is in service to others. I get a lot of satisfaction from it, but it does not change how I feel about myself. That stuff goes deep, as it sounds like it does with you.

Well if you do favors for people who can do for themselves then I see how this is detrimental and to a fault. I do that too like buy gifts for people when there is no need and go out of my way for others etc but that is not what I meant.

I meant do service for those who can't do for themselves. Those in true need. Either do it as a job if that's your choice of a career or volunteer. I don't see how that could be a fault. It is not the same as doing favors.

I went and reread yours and other person's posts and I do understand it might not work for others. Maybe I just can't relate fully as I generally don't feel bad or low about myself, but I still feel that servicing others is beneficial for self esteem. Might not be a solution of course but I feel my life would be more difficult if I didn't have thAt


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

My T says that I should do self compassionate things, even if they don't feel right to me.

My previous T said similar things to me. She was not very good at understanding how I function. I hated myself more every time I had to do one of those self compassion things, and I couldn't tell her that...

As for helping others, it is actively bad for my self esteem. Or sometimes neutral. It never makes me feel better about myself, though - nor should it. (If it makes other people feel better about themselves, that's wonderful. I'm only giving my own POV, not saying how it works or should work for anyone else.)

We are all different and that's Beauty of life. I also was just saying what works for me not that it must work for others. Just trying to brainstorm here same way others do. Some things work and some don't. Like meditation other people swear by, or constantly recommend it but I can't stand it. I can't even stand talking about it let alone doing it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk