[musinglizzy]

What are your thoughts on this?

Posted by someone who "feels love" for her T, and has had T say she loves me....but not often.

The Irreverent Psychologist: Dear Young Therapist: Don't Be Afraid to Love

[ScarletPimpernel]

Dr. Scott Peck:

"We are now able to see the essential ingredient that makes psychotherapy effective and successful. It is not ‘unconditional positive regard,’ nor is it magical words, techniques or postures; it is human involvement and struggle. It is the willingness of the therapist to extend him or herself for the purpose of nurturing the patient’s growth – willingness to go out on a limb, to truly involve oneself at an emotional level in the relationship, to actually struggle with the patient and with oneself. In short, the essential ingredient of successful deep and meaningful psychotherapy is love."

"Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."

[stopdog]

The idea horrifies me. The way these people talk about themselves and what they do amuses me and horrifies me - much like tv evangelists. I doubt the woman thinks she loves me - if she ever had such an insane (to me at least) notion - I would hope she has the decency to keep it to herself. For me, I don't go to have someone nurture my growth or anything like that - and I certainly hope the woman does not think of herself as doing such a thing.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Dr. Scott Peck:

"We are now able to see the essential ingredient that makes psychotherapy effective and successful. It is not ‘unconditional positive regard,’ nor is it magical words, techniques or postures; it is human involvement and struggle. It is the willingness of the therapist to extend him or herself for the purpose of nurturing the patient’s growth – willingness to go out on a limb, to truly involve oneself at an emotional level in the relationship, to actually struggle with the patient and with oneself. In short, the essential ingredient of successful deep and meaningful psychotherapy is love."

"Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."

I love this, lol! Yeah I think this is true. I also feel like my therapist loves me. Or at least cares more than most! I wish he would say it but he hasn't... Which makes sense I suppose... Sigh. Sadly it is very hard for me to feel loved.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I know my T loves me because she said it directly back to me once during a crisis. Hearing it that one time was so special that I don't need to hear it a lot. I know the love is there. I think caring and love are important in therapy as long as the love stays healthy.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I love this, lol! Yeah I think this is true. I also feel like my therapist loves me. Or at least cares more than most! I wish he would say it but he hasn't... Which makes sense I suppose... Sigh. Sadly it is very hard for me to feel loved.

I feel like my T and marriage counselor both care deeply about me, maybe at the level of love (platonic). I can see it in their eyes at times when we're talking. It wasn't always there, but came about over time. Like my love for them...and I've told both of them recently that I love them

As much as I would like to hear them say they love me back, I don't think they would. But sensing it in their eyes and from what they say to me--I think that's enough for me. Which actually might show some growth for me in therapy, come to think of it. Four years ago, I would have needed to hear the actual words and not trusted my reading of their feelings. I would have needed them to tell me. But now, them showing me is enough. Well, most of the time, anyway! I do still ask for reassurance sometimes...

Now if only I could trust and believe this in other people, too...I guess that's the next step.

[Lauliza]

I don't know how I feel about the word "love" in this context. The writer of this blog sounds a bit arrogant to me (he actually calls himself brilliant?!?) and his use of the word "love" sounds condescending. Caring, human connection - those are terms I can relate to, both as a client and a future T. Love is a loaded word and not one I use loosely, so when I hear some people talk like this, therapist or not, I feel a little uncomfortable.

[BayBrony]

I am not sure what I think about the article. But I think that all the progress I have made with my therapist is because she openly loves me and shows and speaks her love. I don't know that that is necessary for everyone's healing but for mine it is

[atisketatasket]

I have no idea if my therapist loves me or not - our very first session I warned her quite emphatically about being mushy, intellectually or emotionally. She may love me, but I don't want to hear about it.

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I would feel very uncomfortable if anyone i paid told me they loved me genuinely it would be like a slap in the face like do you think i am stupid you love getting paid i am sure but me on the other hand..... i also think it would just make the relationship unprofessional for me anyway as it would get rid of the seperation needed to remember that this is not a real relationship.

[Leah123]

I am not taken by the article- the writing is a bit glib, the author's credential to write on the topic dubious. I do, however, appreciate love in therapy. I don't believe a deep love is required to do the work in therapy, though I believe caring and commitment is. However, just like in any set of relationships, and perhaps more commonly in therapy, love can always develop and when, on occasion, it does, it's a blessing.

[Daystrom]

I found this a while back and was very gratified to read it. Since I'm increasingly of the opinion that psychotherapy does more harm than good by training therapists to be emotionally unresponsive brick walls to vulnerable clients who need basic, REAL human empathy more than anyone, it's nice to see one who actually cares.

Boundaries do not need to be sacrificed for this. But if it's "unprofessional" for a T to get emotionally involved in what by nature are emotional conversations, then maybe the profession itself is due for some examination. I for one instinctively put up my own defenses when I see my T putting up hers, or responding with studied expressions of sympathy that I can tell are not natural. And I can always tell.

Not impressed with the author's presentation of himself as a therapist. "Love is the only theory and method I have" - not very confidence inspiring. Hopefully not true either.

I can't really discuss my take on love or my opinion on its place in therapy because my point of view is too different and it's not something I could have even if I wanted it (which I may or may not do.) But if somebody gets it in therapy and benefits from it, it's great.

Don't the people who say they love us usually cause the most harm? I don't know. I don't really want love in therapy, but if some do then that is fine for them.

I also think the word love has different meanings for people. I'm not really sure what it means myself. To me love is pain. I don't want that from someone I am paying to help me.

[iheartjacques]

Love M. Scott Peck. Love isn't the warm fuzzy feelings. It's the commitment you make to someone, even when you're mad at them or fed up with their behaviour, same as we love our kids.

[iheartjacques]

My t has said several times that he thinks it's the bond or the connection that allows trust to grow, and progress to be made. Looking back on the connections I've had, that's true.

[iheartjacques]

For me anyway. I know not the same can be said for everyone b

[iheartjacques]

People who think they love us (possessive husbands, paedophile relatives, controlling mothers, they think they love us, but they do so much harm.

[divine1966]

There has to be great amount of care and love for other human beings in any profession that requires helping others. If I didn't love kids or care for their well being I would never survive at my job. Burn out rate in special Ed is 7 years, the only way to stay in it as a life long career is to love.

So I i understand the sentiment but saying that this article is so condescending. Makes it sounds as of these broken people need healing and growth and t is going to love on them and fix it. Oh please. The author also sounds so arrogant it's funny

I

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[eeyorestail]

I think I would be pretty freaked out if my current (or any past) therapist expressed love towards me. Empathy and even compassion are great in a client/therapist relationship. Love? Not so much. Actually, some professional competency and skill would be best.

I agree with divine that the author of the blog post sounds arrogant and condescending. And does he really think he can help people by just loving them? Serious mental illness is, well, serious. So are traumatic circumstances. You can't make those things disappear with just "love." Life is not some sappy movie where people are cured just because someone cares for them.

Originally Posted by krminnj

I think I would be pretty freaked out if my current (or any past) therapist expressed love towards me. Empathy and even compassion are great in a client/therapist relationship. Love? Not so much. Actually, some professional competency and skill would be best.

I agree with divine that the author of the blog post sounds arrogant and condescending. And does he really think he can help people by just loving them? Serious mental illness is, well, serious. So are traumatic circumstances. You can't make those things disappear with just "love." Life is not some sappy movie where people are cured just because someone cares for them.

I agree and this

"some professional competency and skill would be best"

would be great, but it is very, very, very rare to find any competent therapist. Sadly.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I agree and this

"some professional competency and skill would be best"

would be great, but it is very, very, very rare to find any competent therapist. Sadly.

I know that your experience has been very bad, puzzle_bug, and I'm not dismissing that. But I actually think that there's enough anecdotal evidence of good therapists on these boards to claim that it's not that rare. In addition, it's not unusual to meet a competent therapist one just doesn't click with. (I've had two such therapists - very competent and ethical and knowledgeable and experienced, but not at all good matches for me. Which made the therapy experiences bad for me through no fault of the Ts.)

I don't really consider therapy to be successful until it is over and a decent termination has happened (sometimes I know people never quit therapy), but most of the people here are still in therapy. I thought I had a good, competent therapist like most of the people here, but it turned out so badly. I don't believe most of them have a clue what they are doing. I think they string vulnerable people along to make money. I keep hearing stories of similar bad endings happening to clients who thought they had great therapists. It happens here over and over. I used to think something like that could never happen to me, but it did. It could happen to anyone.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I don't really consider therapy to be successful until it is over and a decent termination has happened (sometimes I know people never quit therapy), but most of the people here are still in therapy. I thought I had a good, competent therapist like most of the people here, but it turned out so badly. I don't believe most of them have a clue what they are doing. I think they string vulnerable people along to make money. I keep hearing stories of similar bad endings happening to clients who thought they had great therapists. It happens here over and over. I used to think something like that could never happen to me, but it did. It could happen to anyone.

Sadly, I can relate.

I feel that I love my T, and I loved my ex-T. I think therapy hhas opened up my capacity for love in general. Therapy seems to have opened up my capacity to feel a range of emotions. I think it is probably helpful for a T to express it if they feel love too, otherwise the person may feel a reenactment of childhood experiences where they loved but did not feel loved in return. (I'm speaking of my own childhood).