I told him. Everything.

Oh, except that occasionally I want to %#@&#! him. I didn't tell him that.

Ok, so I got home from my session a little while ago.

Wow.

Ok.

I told him that I had 3 things that I wanted to talk to him about. I had them listed on an index card. But then I realized that there was one thing I wanted to talk about first that wasn't on the card, so I told him it was #.5, lol.

I started out by telling him that last week when I left I was pisssssssed at him because for the first time, I didn't feel like he was 'getting it.' I told him that I hated his generic empathetic statements, and that it just didn't really seem like him. That he is normally very authentic with me, and I felt as if he didn't know what do to with me, so he just resorted to lame comments to try to convey empathy.

He said that agreed-- that he, too, felt as though we were disconnected last week in session-- that he wasn't entirely getting it, and we were not on the same page. He told me that sometimes in it is going to be difficult-- not just for me, but for us, together. That sometimes he may not know exactly what to do-- but that's not a bad thing-- because it allows me to get angry... and allows us to work it through it together.

He told me that he was upset because we did not block out time during the last session to discuss my internship-- obviously a major thing. He said in the future, let's do some planning so that there will always be time to talk about important events and such.

Then I moved on to #1 on my list. I told him all about my emotional reaction to the internship, the triggers, the deep countertransference. I wish you could have seen the way he was looking at me... the understanding in his eyes... it was incredible. I told him that the reaction I experienced was too deep even for words.... but that I knew he felt and understood every single thing I meant.

Then #2. This one wasn't really anything to talk about, just a funny thing during the week about my neighbors blasting American Idol so that they could sit outside and still listen to it... T and I have a joke about how much we both can't stand that show.

Then #3.

Deep breath.

I told him that I realized today that I want him to be unhappy. That if he is happy and I am unhappy it is a huge disconnect. Then... (I was working backwards at this point because I didn't want to have to say the worst part), I told him that the way I came to this conclusion is that I obviously noticed that he wears a wedding ring and I often think horrific stuff about his married life. I told him that I repulsed myself for wanting him to be unhappy. He replied by saying, "Why wouldn't you want us to feel the same unhappiness? There is nothing wrong with that."

I told him how hard it was to say this.

He said, "What was the hardest part?"

And I hesitated.... and then I finally said, "The hardest part is that I hate your wedding ring! I hate seeing you wear that ring!"

And smiled at me with this really genuine, understanding smile, and said, "I know. I know that is the hardest part for you."

Then he told me I still had a few minutes left (He was going over an hour at this point). And I said, "Can I tell you one more thing?" He said sure.

So I told him how Yalom says that patients find significance in smaller stuff, aside from the interpretations and all that.

So I told him, "What I want you to know is what sticks out for me. It's the way that you look at me. You are so engaged with me when I talk. No one has ever looked at me like you do."

And then he said, "Now can I tell you something? I think you are very intuitive for not ever wanting to lay on the couch."

I asked him why.

And he said, "Because of what you just told me. I don't think you always consciously knew it, but you have always felt it. And now that I know what you just told me, I would never want to take that away from you."

Beautiful. I just stared at him. Wanted to preserve the moment forever.

Of course as soon as I got outside, the tears started coming behind my sunglasses. I had told T how ever since I was little, I have always felt different than people. That my disconnect is always felt-- even with friends and family members. I told him that the only time I don't feel disconnected is when I am with him. And to only have that for only one hour per week is incredibly hard. He knew.

Then the parking garage guy hit on me and told me that if I ever get rid of my husband, he will be there. But until then, he will like me as a friend.

Great.

If you could describe your mood before in one word...and then after the session in another word, what would they be?

I hope that doesn't reduce the feeling for you, to ask it that way?

I don't know if this means anything, but all the issues of transference I have with my therapist has made me feel like i'm the only one and that there is something seriously wrong with me and overboard and that it is ruining everything.

BUT since I've come to this site, hearing other's accounts with this strong attraction and need for their therapist like your account, pinksoil.....it makes me feel less freaky and alone and isolated on this feeling about my therapist. I'm not the only one...and neither are you.

thank you for sharing.

Before the session, I felt anxious. Because I knew what was coming.

And it immediately following the session, I will have to use two words: connected, yet heartbroken. I established deep connection with him during the session, but was heartbroken when I had to leave, knowing that it's an agonizing seven days until I can see him again.

Wow, the tears are coming now. Sigh. I guess it was bound to come out sometime. I wish I could tell him things right now.

((((pinksoil))))

what he came to understand about the couch sounds great.

i think my t... is probably a little sad that i don't feel the same way as you.

i just... don't like to be looked at. his voice is more important to me. i don't look him in the eyes. doing that... would be over-stimulating for me, i think. it would bring up intense feelings of needing to run or hit him or something. my mother was invasive though, i guess. sometimes i need people to back off physically. i can see him from the corner of my eye leaning forward intently, though. can hear the kindness and soothing in his voice. sometimes i want to close my eyes and feel it. i try not to close them though 'cause some therapists (not sure about him) don't like me to do that 'cause sometimes i get lost inside. i can meet him but i guess i need him to reach out at a distance. so i can reach out too and we can connect when there is mutual reaching. someone reaching out in a way that they show complete disregard for whether i'm reaching or not induces panic, however.

not sure why but i put looking in the latter camp. my mother used to make me look at her or she would hit me. she would make me look at her while she hit me. maybe thats it.

so i would like to eliminate eye contact from the situation. crap. he won't let me. but he never ever ever ever comments on it.

thank god for small mercies.

Actually when I was about to tell him the thing about how much I hate looking at his wedding ring, I said to him, "I need to close my eyes when I tell you this..." And he was fine with that. I find that I do often close my eyes while talking to him. It's like I want to experience the relationship on all different levels... sometimes visually, but then I like to take away the visual and see what it's like to experience it on a level without seeing him. I often do that when I go to a concert or a poetry reading. Close my eyes to limit one of my senses.... strengthens the other, increases the feeling, or experiences it on a different level. Wish I could do that with him in regards to touch. Don't think he'd go for it, lol.

Wow, what a completely awesome session. You have a lot of courage!!! I hope talking to us on here makes the wait a little more bearable between sessions.

Sometimes I'm actually relieved when something really anxiety-provoking happens to me between sessions -- because then I get distracted from the wait. Like recently when I had that eye problem, that was during the 2 weeks I couldn't see my therapist. Even though I was dying to see him, I got so anxious worrying about my vision that I temporarily stopped worrying about missing my therapist. That's dumb isn't it. I definitely don't want major problems! But it's hard to figure out how to wait without obsessing over the next session. I have to work on healthy distractions, but the easy distractions are the ones that cause anxiety (I think I'm a little bit OCD here).

Hm, maybe I should get married, buy a house and 3 parrots and enroll in school as well as my job. But I notice it's hard for you to wait also so I guess it wouldn't help. Just remember you're not alone at all here.....

Sidony

(((PINKSOIL))))
It is good that you are able to start getting closer to your needs with your therapist. It is okay to cry Progress is very emotional. Take care of yourself. PS. Sincerely Soidhonia

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And he said, "Because of what you just told me. I don't think you always consciously knew it, but you have always felt it. And now that I know what you just told me, I would never want to take that away from you."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Pinksoil,
Woo Hoo!!!! This is such an amazing exchange and a real example of the genuine compassion that your T has. You have crossed another bridge and have made the relationship closer and more meaningful by spilling your guts. I don't know how you can help but continue to grow and flourish in this relationship. Good work.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And he said, "Because of what you just told me. I don't think you always consciously knew it, but you have always felt it. And now that I know what you just told me, I would never want to take that away from you."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Pinksoil,
Woo Hoo!!!! This is such an amazing exchange and a real example of the genuine compassion that your T has. You have crossed another bridge and have made the relationship closer and more meaningful by spilling your guts. I don't know how you can help but continue to grow and flourish in this relationship. Good work.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What a man.... Love it. Very powerful.

((((hugs))) I think you are working very hard on building a good relationship with your T. I hope that as you share the strong feelings, they will transform into good emotions and a good relationship that is the proper one for therapy work. This is therapy work, though, and I do not discount it.

I wish that all patients could be honest with their Ts, and realize what you are finding out. Perhaps by your sharing such intimate thoughts here, you are helping them realize they, too, can get through what seems impossible.



PS I bet he already suspects how you want him.

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

Want to share your Christian faith? Click HERE

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:

PS I bet he already suspects how you want him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

LOL, I am sure you are right.

I don't even feel guilty about it though. It's not like.... oohhhh I feel an attraction towards my therapist, and I'm married, so I'm bad.. it's not like that at all.. Plus, the attraction is built upon on many levels.

I don't feel guilty becaues I recognize that it's transference.

At the end of the session, T was validating all of the transference that I was going through. You know, stating that he knew it was there; that we would continue to work thorugh it and all....

So it's almost like he did know. And he was letting me know that it's alright.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SecretGarden said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And he said, "Because of what you just told me. I don't think you always consciously knew it, but you have always felt it. And now that I know what you just told me, I would never want to take that away from you."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Pinksoil,
Woo Hoo!!!! This is such an amazing exchange and a real example of the genuine compassion that your T has. You have crossed another bridge and have made the relationship closer and more meaningful by spilling your guts. I don't know how you can help but continue to grow and flourish in this relationship. Good work.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

What a man.... Love it. Very powerful.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks guys... Even though when I woke up today, I was like.... What the %#@&#! did I do?? I told him that I hated the fact that he wears a wedding ring, can't stand to look at it, and I have negatively-toned fantasies about his married life?? What the %#@&#! was I thinking??

But I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm so glad I shared this with him.

Pink, sounds like a great session, very honest, therapeutic, and alliance strengthening.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I told him that the only time I don't feel disconnected is when I am with him. And to only have that for only one hour per week is incredibly hard. He knew.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I feel that too with my T, but have also found that since I began therapy with him, I am finding it easier to connect with others outside of therapy. It's like I am learning and practicing connection skills in therapy and beginning to be able to apply them outside of therapy with others. I still have a long way to go. It sounds like you don't have that (yet), but maybe your continued strength of connection with your T will point the way.

Wow, wow, wow Pink!!!

I'm so glad that you trusted him with the wedding ring comment. Again, he handled that beautifully. He's so accepting of you and he is so accepting of himself. I can see that.

I like that you both will discuss your internship too as that is very significant in your life now.

I'm sure our T's know about our transference and how deep it runs. I like that your T is willing to talk about it so openly...