What do you look for in a T?

Sorry for yet another post. My T. asked me what I would want in a T. I was so shocked I didn't have much of an answer because I didn't know if she was asking what I would change about her or she was wanting to know for a referral.

I am working on a list and would like to hear qualities you all look for. So far I have come up with: understanding, compassion, empathy/sympathy, consistency, good memory, ability to help me process losing T./transference, confidence, kind, gentle, calm, patient...

What did you look for or what do you like in your T's?

Ummm....I looked for someone attractive, someone with a nice therapy space, someone quite laid back and chatty I guess...someone who seemed similar to me too, in dress, culture etc.
And I got it (second time round )

I look for someone that's is understanding, logical, down to earth, direct and punctual.

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Pragmatic. And no BS.

I'm not sure. I want T to understand me and to know how to get along with me. I'm a bit quiet and I find it hard to talk about hard stuff. Previous T's didn't really know how to handle that. Current T does.
Puntual. Patient. Empathy. Kind. Good education. A bit casual, not too strict/business like.

These are great criteria. I would say exactly what you just said, plus I'm looking for something more in the realm of psychodamic where the therapy relationship itself is used as a vehicle for change. I'm not interested in doing CBT or EMDR, so someone who specialized in those probably wouldn't suit me either.

I agree with all the qualities you listed but also think a strong knowledge base and extensive experience with my issues is essential. My therapist is well versed in my experience and had 20+ years experience. She'd also worked previously with adolescents and kids as well, which I think was helpful.

P.S. The amount of availability and flexibility in session time may be considerations too. It can be very healing and powerful to have a therapist who can give you a few extra minutes or add a session on occasion, or just who doesn't want to push you to spread out sessions like your current one.

(Did you consider setting an intention w/the current one- telling her that you have decided to work through the attachment and need more session time? I was just curious if you were sure she wouldn't be available for that, or if it was something you two left alone because you told her it was too painful for you? Mine honors my wishes for more or less depth, but will always go with me once I tell her what I've decided.)

Experience and warmth.

Good point on the session times. However, she wanted to space to hopefully lessen the transference and it was working. As long as I don't get triggered, it's ok. I almost told her it was working but it had only been a week and then I got triggered so never sent it.

I'm not sure what her views are of working through the attachment. I'm attached and we've worked through abandonment issues and feeling like she's frustrated (mom issues). When I told her I felt trapped because I didn't want to have the feelings yet I wanted to see her, she suggested the spacing. And, again, it has helped. I think if I stay in therapy and go somewhere else, I'll start at every 2 weeks and hopefully keep it there. Every week doesn't always give my mind a break.

Well, I think the thing is, if you were through those attachment/abandonment issues, seeing her weekly wouldn't trigger them, things would feel more calm and manageable, the emotional intensity would go down.

But as you mentioned in your other thread, certainly, if it's not something you want to expend the energy to resolve with her, a couple months without might help you settle and change tracks.

Someone who will stay back.

For qualities (gender is a given: woman): intelligent, thoughtful, kind, listens well, reads a lot, doesn't push, has a great sense of humor, experience at being a good therapist (have seen ones with lots of experience being poor therapists), does not post bible quotes on social media, and loves animals.

For therapeutic approach: does long-term therapy, is okay with therapy serving a purpose rather than having specific goals, has training and experience with my issues, available for extra sessions when needed (and is equally fine with fewer sessions if needed), fine with emails, does not talk about boundaries unless there's a reason to, and is careful not to respond or say things in shaming ways.

Also: From your other post, it sounds like your life is going well except for your relationship with your therapist, which is triggering mother issues. It seems like the question is whether or not to work with another therapist on grieving the loss of something you never had (a valid reason to be in therapy if it's hindering your quality of life) or to drop it altogether, because it doesn't appear that this therapist sees a resolution of it through more entanglement with her. Another might have a different approach. But basically, I think it comes down to your need to resolve that pain and then finding the right one to help you do that in a way that makes your daily life better and your internal self stronger.

For me a T would have to be a woman. The qualities I look for are..kind, caring, good listener, does not talk about themselves, years of experience being a good therapist, good boundaries, between session contact, consistency, tells you they care about you, able to count on them during a crisis, calming voice. I could go on and on.

What I wanted, but didn't know it, was someone who could get behind my chatty, educated, tough-gal front and find the inner child that was sabotaging my life. I had transference disasters with several therapists before. I was very schizoid actually and have been very lucky I've found a T who has patiently made it feel safe for the "child" to say her point of view. In the first session, I resonated with her being a "gentle spirit" and that was more important then her seeming an expert in psychiatry, as I knew it would be a tough time getting my inner child to come out and trust with the attachment problems.

Very patient, someone who would never try and speak over me, understanding, and flexible (both in terms of approach and schedule)

I think my T is fabulous but if I listed what I love about her, it wouldn't be all the nice therapeutic things you would think.

She't honest to the point of fault. She's generous with her personal disclosure, she doesn't ******** me - if she thinks I'm not being 100% honest - she'll confront me. She doesn't flinch when I'm angry or upset. She admits sometimes she panics and goes into 'fixit' mode. She reflects with me on her other patients feedback of her and asks my opinion. I see her in her home and sometimes she's already in her 'home clothes'. She has insecurities and worries what I think about these eg. If her house is unkept.

And sometimes she can be super bossy.

I'm not in therapy to be comfortable. I don't need someone to stroke my ego. I need someone that I respect to guide me to positive change - as you can see my therapist gives me PLENTY of opportunities to be assertive, to stand my ground but she also has such care and respect and empathy for me that I know under the sometimes brash exterior that she loves me and is really doing her best for me.

For me it's not so much the therapy content but the relationship that is bringing the majority of the healing.

smart, quiet, well-trained, focused, calm, confident

I want humility! The most triggering and dangerous thing for me at this point would be walking in to see a new T and feeling any sort of judgement, arrogance, superiority, defensiveness or aggression.

If we are relating as equals (as much as possible), then I think that portends safety and collaboration.

I also look for transparency. I want to know precisely how a T will help, what will happen in the room. And I am always scanning for defensiveness or resistance.

Humility is a good trait-yes to that!

I value warmth, genuine caring, non-judgement, commitment, humor of course, self disclosure when useful, willingness to give advice if asked, ability to break down goals into tasks, insight, depth, real world experience as well as a great education, having "walked the talk" means a lot to me too.