[Walking Man]

My therapist suggested I write a letter to my mother telling her how I feel. I'm not going to send it, just write it. I know I don't HAVE to write it, but maybe I should. I got a good start one day when I was kind of upset, but the thing is that I really don't have much to say. I could write a lot about things that happened but there's not much that I actually feel like I need to say to her. It's not because I'm mad, it's just I wouldn't say any of that stuff to her, and don't really feel the need. The thing is that she wasn't particularly sympathetic to me growing up so I'm not real keen on asking. I got to the point where I don't really want to share a lot of things.

Any thoughts?

Could you let your T know this idea isn't working for you? Would it be more useful to you to write a letter to your younger self about that time, perhaps it would give you the opportunity to be more emotionally open than you would if you were addressing your mother?
Or maybe the whole idea of writing letters isn't helpful for you? That's ok, just let T know. Most Ts see it as a positive thing when a client directs their own therapy.

[Love Your Suit]

I recently had some issues with my mom and sister, and my Dr. asked me to write one to my sister, and give it to her(Dr.). I can not say, I got anything out of it, we are going to discuss it today...

[gayleggg]

Maybe discuss with your T how you are feeling. See what he says. Maybe he will see that it wouldn't help you.

Personally, I found writing unsent letters to be very helpful in getting out old feeling of anger and resentment. You might not have much to say at first but once you get to writing a lot more may come up. It's worth the try.

[doyoutrustme]

I've had that homework before. It was very difficult but helpful.

Sometimes therapists might suggest things that have worked for other clients in the past, but that doesn't mean it will work for you. Since you've thought about it and have given it a try, you could simply tell your T that you don't think it is a helpful exercise for you.

[ruh roh]

If it doesn't feel helpful to you, just tell your therapist you decline. Mine did the same thing--it's like they can't help it. I tried one of them and all it did was ramp up a lot of unbearable emotions, so it's not for everyone and it's okay to tell your therapist no thanks.

[stopdog]

I would either decline to do it or modify it -write it as a story rather than a letter for example.

[Rive.]

I think sometimes it is worth pushing oneself outside our comfort zone or try something new if the usual ways of operating don't bring about a desirable result(s). I know I would usually try something once before deciding whether it's worth pursuing or not. What do you think?

Writing the letter seems a 'safe'(ish) way to express, get the feelings out and process later on (securely) with T. Might well be worth a try though it is not a comfortable exercise at all.

I was going to say the same thing--if the only reason not to try is that it might not be helpful, then why not give it a shot? It may provide some surprising insight or closure. If not, then it doesn't...

And, important to remember, the goal is to have a way to express things you wouldn't otherwise be able to. So it is okay to write things even if you would not want your mother to know, that is part of it.

I don't think we can ever really tell what will or will not be helpful in advance. Sometimes our resistance tells us that there is something we are trying to get away from that will be of benefit...

Healing is difficult so our brains find all sorts of ways to resist it. Go with your gut. Your brain will tell you lots of reasons not to heal, and they will all sound sensible.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I wrote a letter to a friend that had abandoned me and ruined my life and then burned it after. It did not help me to write a letter just to destroy it after.

It might help you or it might not. You could give it a shot. If you wrote a letter to your mom and gave it to your T to read it might help your T to better understand the situation.

[Walking Man]

I've got about 4 pages. I haven't really started the part about my bad memories from childhood (feelings of rejection mostly). I can see that a lot more has to do with my feelings about my parents relationship, and her response to my chronic illness, as opposed to the way she treated me generally. I'm not sure it's very cathartic though. I don't feel like I need to say something, as much as I was hurt because of rejection. I got upset, but had to keep it together because my computer got fried and I have to type at the library!

I'm definitely going to have my T read it. At least that way I will have expressed it to someone, and it will help with therapy. Maybe if I read it at our session I can cry about it, and that will help get it out.

Originally Posted by Walking Man

I've got about 4 pages. I haven't really started the part about my bad memories from childhood (feelings of rejection mostly). I can see that a lot more has to do with my feelings about my parents relationship, and her response to my chronic illness, as opposed to the way she treated me generally. I'm not sure it's very cathartic though. I don't feel like I need to say something, as much as I was hurt because of rejection. I got upset, but had to keep it together because my computer got fried and I have to type at the library!

I'm definitely going to have my T read it. At least that way I will have expressed it to someone, and it will help with therapy. Maybe if I read it at our session I can cry about it, and that will help get it out.

That sounds like a very good idea. Part of it is doing it while connecting in a safe place. So even if you do not feel the letter itself helped, being vulnerable and sharing it with someone (presumably who is safe and you trust, as it seems you do your therapist) could really be something...

This is not something I would suggest people do alone so it is good that you are doing it now, with her support, then look back at some point and wish you had...

[musinglizzy]

Yes, it would be hard, but I think that is an excellent project! I've actually written letters to people I never sent myself. It helps to get it out.

[ScarletPimpernel]

An ex-T of mine asked me to do the same. Then instead of giving my mom the letter, she wanted me to read it to her! Somehow I found the courage and did it. I have to say it completely changed my life. Before, my mom and I never had a relationship. Since the letter, we've become good friends. The past is still there and it hurts both of us, but we've agreed to put it behind us and to focus on the present. Sure there's still things about each other that annoy us, but we look past it. Can't expect perfection.

I know my story is probably rare, but it would have never happened if I didn't write the letter.

I have written a similar type letter to my dad and to my little sister. I still haven't heard from them in 9 years, so yeah, umm...those two didn't work.

[Walking Man]

I wrote the letter and read it to my T. It took the whole hour. I might write more, but I kind of felt "done". I almost started crying a couple times, especially at one point. I would have cried except I couldn't keep reading at the same time. She told me it was ok to cry, and when I was done reading said something about trying to give me the validation an nurturing I didn't get as a child. She said that it was to help me put these things behind me. Reading it seemed to help a lot in developing a better understanding and relationship between me and my T. It also helped to read it out loud because I got to hear myself talking. It was a little bit like hearing somebody else's story. I came away seeing that in a way things were worse than I had thought. It's one thing to think about things, or to write about them, but another to hear yourself say the same things. I kind of felt bad because Mom came off looking worse than she was, but I explained that. It didn't seem super cathartic, but it was very good. I'm really glad I did it.