Stuck in the classic I'm worse, is this really making me better place

Hi all,

I've often visited this site over the last four months since I started therapy and have valued the conversations, questions and honesty. So thanks.

I had a particularly bad day today, feeling like I got hit by a bus after talking with my T this morning. I've had rough days, but nothing like this. We have just started talking about the most difficult material yet.

I've found myself today asking again, is this worth it? Is this helping? A friend who was concerned tonight trying to understand why I was in bed and checking of I was OK, said - Are you sure this is a good idea? does your T know the effect this is having on you? Perhaps you should talk to someone else about it?

All of which are questions that simply make me feel more nervous and worried. I'm at my most vulnerable anywhere with my T, I've never opened up like this before and part of me knows its good. But the cost is so high and if it means I can't show up to my work, my friendships, lose all my motivation to do anything and just want to sleep, drink cups of tea and be alone, then is that really OK?

I'm really struggling to think about seeing her again, Im meant to go in two days time but all afternoon I've been thinking about how to get in touch with her to postpone. I've got to work that day, and just think I can't have a difficult session again then not show up for my life. It's just not an option.

I've never contact her between sessions before, never asked to postpone. I'm nervous about doing it and really disappointed that in this vulnerable state I am yet again even questioning wether or not getting help is worthwhile or safe.

It's a really conflicted space to be in, so just wanted to share, hear some of your thoughts...

Sorry you are in such a difficult place right now. I do know that with therapy things tend to get worse before they get better.

Not every session has to be a deep session. And it's okay to postpone a session also. Only take what you can handle right now.

As far as figuring out whether or not therapy is worthwhile or safe, perhaps you could remind yourself as to why you started therapy to begin with. If you need change in order to heal, stop suffering, be happy, etc, then hopefully you can find the strength to carry on.

Just know that therapy is no picnic in the park. The process will beat the crap out of you at times. But the healing rewards found at the end of the road is well worth it, I believe. I am not there yet myself, but I can finally see where there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My burdens are copious and have plagued me for decades, so that tunnel is really, really long! So positive change and healing is winning. If I had to do it all over again (going thru h*** from therapy), I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Wishing you the best.

I've also used the expression 'I feel like I've been hit my a bus' to describe to myself how I've felt after a session. I too have a bit of a question as to whether therapy is a constructive thing for me to do. My thoughts about your situation are : is your therapist right for you? I switched therapists and find that I have similar feelings come up, but my new T is really responsive and understanding towards me in a way that my ex- T was not. My second thought is -are you moving too fast? For me talking about seemingly simple stuff still brings up emotion for me, I'm happy to stay with quite simple stuff and still feel that im using the time constructively. Can you go to your next session but consider that it is just a support session, not for newmaterial, can you take it easy, talk about films or something? Can you talk to your at about all this? I was thinking of suggesting to my T that five minutes before the session ends we stop and focus on how I'm feeling, I'm hoping she might be able to help me to leave the session feeling secure, and that this might help me to feel ok between sessions.

I think you have to space out the difficult therapy sessions so that they won't derail the rest of your life.

I also found that as time went on, that I recovered more quickly from a tough session (in the sense that I was able to continue my regular activities more quickly afterwards.)

It's also good to make sure that your therapist is taking the last 10 minutes of your session, or longer if you need it, to wind down the session and to help you to calm. It's not good to continue the tough part of therapy right up to the minute when your time is over and then just walk out.

Hugs.

Its ok to have your next session be a lighter session so you can go to work after. Then have the next season be deep? It might help to space out sessions that are hard and ones that are easier.

Therapy is a very hard thing. My last session was rough and I went home and had a good cry and thankfully the bad feelings after such a rough session went away. Even thought therapy is hard, I feel that it is worth it. It has changed my life in so many ways for the better. I have learned so much from my T and therapy itself. I just wish it wasn't so hard.

I have found that taking the last 10 minutes of a session to "calm down" so you are in a better place to be very helpful.

Hi all - thanks for your responses, it was very helpful at the time, and especially now reading it with a bit of distance.

On reflection, I think it was really important for me to go through that tough session and experience a strong crash afterwards. I’d had difficult days before, but this felt somehow a bit scarier.

Because I reacted so strongly, I did postpone the next session, giving myself some space. At the following session I was able to talk to my T about why I postponed and how it was disorienting to feel so upset after talking. Since then I’ve felt she is a bit more careful, and often checks in with me to go ‘how are you feeling at the end of today’ which is incredibly helpful. Even if I’m not feeling that great - the fact that she is checking in means the world. She also has a couple of times, when asking a question, checked in ‘Is that question too bold, or too much’ etc. All of a sudden I feel I have this space to say yes or no, speak up that things are too intense and we can work it out together, change the pace together.

I think this is so right, and I had been being so diligent, focused and ‘brave’ up until this point I think I was pushing myself to get the most from therapy, and make it work -because I didn’t want to take forever (years!) and also because of financial pressure.

But having that 'hard work, push yourself, move fast' approach also prevented me from realising that talking with my T could also be a way of feeling supported, safe, reassured. I really did think it was all about digging up **** and if I wasn’t doing that I was wasting my money/time. Now I’ve got a posture where it can be about both doing difficult work together and actively seeking support from her.

Allheart I also wanted to say that the most helpful thing you said in your post which was soon after I posted, was Reconnecting with my purpose and intention, thinking about the big picture of the last four months I realised a few things

I’d had difficult days before, they did pass and my T was understanding of those
Therapy is painful and thats not a bad thing, nothing to be afraid of, it is a normal and expected part of the experience. I need to accept it when it happens, make space for it and take care of myself
Processing negative and difficult feelings was one of the reasons I started T, therefore having a bad day and owning up to it, acknowledging it and struggling with it (rather than numbing out, denying it and suppressing it) is actually in a weird way, a marker of progress for me.

Brown owl - I am glad you found a new T that works for you. I think for me it was about being honest with my T and talking about my response and reaction, if she hadn’t of responded well to that conversation or been able to slow down, or provide extra support, then I think I would of moved on. You were definitely right with the pace question - I was moving to fast, I didn’t even realise I could negotiate the pace of things, I just thought there was one speed and that was “go your hardest and let the bus hit you speed’! Knowing there are a range of modes I can be in with my T is a great discovery.

Thanks again all for sharing your thoughts and experiences, I think the last 10 mins or 5 mins as a checkin is so critical and to be honest, I am surprised my T hasn’t done it more often up until now. I think its a simple but useful way to show care and acknowledge that for a person new to therapy walking in the door is very difficult, but some days so is walking back out of it.