[precaryous]

T has told me that I am the way I am...childlike, needy, etc....because my parents didn't attach to me.... and because of the sustained abuse...throughout my life.

She tried to explain:
"There is a neediness as an infant that, without appropriate parental 'filling' becomes a need that can flex in the adolescent/adult according to environmental resources…If that 'filling' does not happen very young, then one feels never 'fillable'...Does that make sense?"

I understand this. But I am left wondering what to do about it. I don't want to stay like this..How does one try to fill the unfillable? Or should I make peace that I will always be this way?

I will talk about this with T when I get back in to see her.

Can anyone relate? What do we do?

Im starting to feel defeated.

Well. That is my history. But through therapy that 'unfillable' had become filled.

I think part of it is learning to have those needs filled differently. We can't replay what it felt like to be a child and as adults we can't develop secure attachments in the same way we were meant to as a child, but we are still able to allow caring relationships to touch those raw,exposed places and provide some healing in the areas we were damaged as children.
For me therapy plays a large part in that process.

[CantExplain]

I'm not full yet.

It seems that to become fillable we have to mend/heal the crack at the bottom first.

I do think that is possible, but I think it has to be healed by getting beyond the need to mend that hole with exactly what was missing originally because that can never be exactly replaced. We have to find ways to heal within ourselves, ways to allow the history to be the history and our now to be our now. We have to find a way to accept that our history cannot be changed but that we do have the power to create other means in our lives to fill our lives with people and activities and beliefs and ideas that feed our souls and fill those holes.

We have to accept the fact that only we can fill that hole, so if we are looking for others to do it for us, it just isn't going to happen that way. Yes, having supportive, loving, nurturing people in our life is important, and they can pour in what we might need, but until we have actually made choices to accept a different kind of patch for that hole, to accept that the original material that would have naturally been in place of that hole isn't available and that we have to find an alternatively suitable replacement, what others pour in will leak out the bottom.

For me, it came down to accepting that I'm not nearly as broken as I convinced myself I was all those years (oddly enough that was really, really hard to accept). For me, I had to learn to accept and love myself with all my flaws and humanness, forgive myself for not being stronger (a strong mistaken belief for myself), and choose to nurture myself now -- not because someone told me I had to do it -- but because I really believe I deserve better than I was giving myself credit for. I had to truly love myself so much that I believed I deserved better and fought to find what was better for my life. I had to choose to fill my own holes with what was available to me in the here and now instead of longing for what was long gone and inaccessible. It was there, but I had spent so much time looking for it in the past that I failed to see it in my present.

Edited to add: We have to be careful about what we choose to fill those holes with. Many of us have spent a lifetime trying to fill that hole by repeating old patterns, abusing drugs and alcohol, self harming, overspending, becoming workaholics, etc. -- all manner of unhealthy stopgap measures that only work as temporary "fixes." Those don't have lasting endurance.

[Leah123]

I can relate but through a lot of self-care/self-mothering and taking in the caring of my therapist and making meaningful connections about ways I was cared for, I've been able to be content in general, though it's definitely something I work on at times. Do you have maternal history, such as a grandmother or aunt or teachers or others you can start on your patchwork quilt of relationships? I see that for some, with good enough parents, it's more like a blanket, for me, I see it as a patchwork quilt. I'm actually planning to have one made to represent this. I've shopped for a swatch of fabric to represent each meaningful relationship, including with my two helpful therapists, teachers, an aunt, my daughter, etc.

[Crescent Moon]

What Mouse said.

[Petra5ed]

Start making a new history of good connections to friends, therapists, and significant others. I think the childhood stuff is very hard to overcome, but it's not impossible to overcome! You might feel "unfillable" now, but that doesn't mean you always will.

[precaryous]

Thank you for your replies. I'm thinking about all of them.

I've known that something was wrong...the way I feel...how I react...the depression and anxiety. I've been to many therapists. Most times in the past we were busy "putting out fires" ...divorces, relationship issues, abuse in my adult life, etc.

It wasn't until my last two T's that we have had the time (few crisis) to look at my attachments and examine my history. I have had my parents. I didn't go to therapy to find a mother...because I had a mother.. But recently I have discovered this is an issue.

I've only recently been asking, "omg, this is painful...why am I this way?" The answers I've found sound so much like me...they seem true!

I can change how I act ..and how I respond, to some extent. There are some traits I don't think I can change.

But I don't know if I can change how I feel- childlike, needy- ashamedly unfillable.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I can relate but through a lot of self-care/self-mothering and taking in the caring of my therapist and making meaningful connections about ways I was cared for, I've been able to be content in general, though it's definitely something I work on at times. Do you have maternal history, such as a grandmother or aunt or teachers or others you can start on your patchwork quilt of relationships? I see that for some, with good enough parents, it's more like a blanket, for me, I see it as a patchwork quilt. I'm actually planning to have one made to represent this. I've shopped for a swatch of fabric to represent each meaningful relationship, including with my two helpful therapists, teachers, an aunt, my daughter, etc.

Do you mean currently in my life? I have distant aunts. The only active maternal women in my life are therapists.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

It seems that to become fillable we have to mend/heal the crack at the bottom first.

I do think that is possible, but I think it has to be healed by getting beyond the need to mend that hole with exactly what was missing originally because that can never be exactly replaced. We have to find ways to heal within ourselves, ways to allow the history to be the history and our now to be our now. We have to find a way to accept that our history cannot be changed but that we do have the power to create other means in our lives to fill our lives with people and activities and beliefs and ideas that feed our souls and fill those holes.

We have to accept the fact that only we can fill that hole, so if we are looking for others to do it for us, it just isn't going to happen that way. Yes, having supportive, loving, nurturing people in our life is important, and they can pour in what we might need, but until we have actually made choices to accept a different kind of patch for that hole, to accept that the original material that would have naturally been in place of that hole isn't available and that we have to find an alternatively suitable replacement, what others pour in will leak out the bottom.

For me, it came down to accepting that I'm not nearly as broken as I convinced myself I was all those years (oddly enough that was really, really hard to accept). For me, I had to learn to accept and love myself with all my flaws and humanness, forgive myself for not being stronger (a strong mistaken belief for myself), and choose to nurture myself now -- not because someone told me I had to do it -- but because I really believe I deserve better than I was giving myself credit for. I had to truly love myself so much that I believed I deserved better and fought to find what was better for my life. I had to choose to fill my own holes with what was available to me in the here and now instead of longing for what was long gone and inaccessible. It was there, but I had spent so much time looking for it in the past that I failed to see it in my present.

Edited to add: We have to be careful about what we choose to fill those holes with. Many of us have spent a lifetime trying to fill that hole by repeating old patterns, abusing drugs and alcohol, self harming, overspending, becoming workaholics, etc. -- all manner of unhealthy stopgap measures that only work as temporary "fixes." Those don't have lasting endurance.

Thank you for all of this. I'm reading and re-reading it.
What you say about " only we can fill that hole" rings true. This is my challenge.

Isn't T just a good enough model for us to incorporate and copy?

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I'm not full yet.

((CE))

I think I know how it feels. I'm standing with you.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Do you mean currently in my life? I have distant aunts. The only active maternal women in my life are therapists.

I mean at any point in your life. Weaving a narrative for yourself of maternal influences, male or female, particularly your therapists as powerful examples of this, can help along with the self-parenting. For me, I felt a shortage. I am estranged from both my abusive parents. But I also drew on literature and spirituality along with kind teachers, an aunt, therapist, etc. to create my patchwork. It's about *internalizing* what we need. We can't create it out of nothing, but we can build it into our lives, ourselves with work.

Originally Posted by precaryous

Thank you for all of this. I'm reading and re-reading it.
What you say about " only we can fill that hole" rings true. This is my challenge.

Isn't T just a good enough model for us to incorporate and copy?

Hmm. I cannot incorporate another person into my being; we are separate beings. And, I can't really copy another person's being; I have to find my own.

What my T's did do was model for me (and perhaps this is what you mean) how to nurture one's interests, how to find ways to feed one's soul, how to maintain healthy flexible boundaries so that I'm healthily protective of myself without being closed off. They modeled pro-activeness, self-awareness, self-confidence, self-care. But they maintained a healthy separateness and encouraged me to find my own way.

[AuroraBorealis75]

I can TOTALLY related to that. In fact, in the letter I plan to read to my T on Wed I also talk about feeling a longing for something I can never have, an ache so deep in me that will never go away. My T seems to think it is possible to get my needs met in relationships with other people, but I don't think she realizes how voracious that longing is.

Originally Posted by precaryous

T has told me that I am the way I am...childlike, needy, etc....because my parents didn't attach to me.... and because of the sustained abuse...throughout my life.

She tried to explain:
"There is a neediness as an infant that, without appropriate parental 'filling' becomes a need that can flex in the adolescent/adult according to environmental resources…If that 'filling' does not happen very young, then one feels never 'fillable'...Does that make sense?"

I understand this. But I am left wondering what to do about it. I don't want to stay like this..How does one try to fill the unfillable? Or should I make peace that I will always be this way?

I will talk about this with T when I get back in to see her.

Can anyone relate? What do we do?

Im starting to feel defeated.

[stopdog]

I don't think I find myself unfillable. I am not quite certain what is meant by it. And if I did feel like it, I seriously doubt I would think someone else could fill it - nor would I let them. The idea of someone else doing it would creep me out.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I can TOTALLY related to that. In fact, in the letter I plan to read to my T on Wed I also talk about feeling a longing for something I can never have, an ache so deep in me that will never go away. My T seems to think it is possible to get my needs met in relationships with other people, but I don't think she realizes how voracious that longing is.

I can totally relate to you. I have always had this longing for something I can never have and also have an ache so deep, it hurts all the time. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I need/want that hole to be filled. I just don't know how.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Hmm. I cannot incorporate another person into my being; we are separate beings. And, I can't really copy another person's being; I have to find my own.

What my T's did do was model for me (and perhaps this is what you mean) how to nurture one's interests, how to find ways to feed one's soul, how to maintain healthy flexible boundaries so that I'm healthily protective of myself without being closed off. They modeled pro-activeness, self-awareness, self-confidence, self-care. But they maintained a healthy separateness and encouraged me to find my own way.

Yes, I worded it wrong.

[AuroraBorealis75]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I can totally relate to you. I have always had this longing for something I can never have and also have an ache so deep, it hurts all the time. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I need/want that hole to be filled. I just don't know how.

[musinglizzy]

I feel the same way, so I totally get it. I've always felt like something is missing from my life, and although there was a time I had a connection with my therapist that seemed to help, that connection is broken and as hard as I have tried, I've been unable to get it back. But really, it's probably unfair to expect to be "filled" from a therapist...or that's what I keep telling myself.

I think I know what this is like. I most often feel empty and emotionally distant. But lately, in the last month or so, it's been the opposite. I feel like I'm so full of things I've been forcing myself to incorporate into my daily life - in order to fill that void, I suppose - that I feel like I'm about to burst. Neither is good, though. It's like I'm trying to stuff the hole full of things so that maybe the things will crowd the hole so much that it's like it's full, you know? Sort of making myself think it's full, anyway.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I can totally relate to you. I have always had this longing for something I can never have and also have an ache so deep, it hurts all the time. I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I need/want that hole to be filled. I just don't know how.

Exactly, I don't know how, either.
PrevT once observed, "no matter how much I give (to me) it's never enough."
(She wasn't being critical)

I told her, "I think that's how big the hole is."

For me, that hole represents damage from trauma. Damage from trauma is what creates the neediness..the hole.

Either that or there is something organically wrong with my brain.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Exactly, I don't know how, either.
PrevT once observed, "no matter how much I give (to me) it's never enough."
(She wasn't being critical)

I told her, "I think that's how big the hole is."

For me, that hole represents damage from trauma. Damage from trauma is what creates the neediness..the hole.

Either that or there is something organically wrong with my brain.

I am sorry you feel this way as well. I hope things get better someday for both of us. I understand how bad it feels.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by precaryous

Exactly, I don't know how, either.
PrevT once observed, "no matter how much I give (to me) it's never enough."
(She wasn't being critical)

I told her, "I think that's how big the hole is."

Good answer!