Who brings you lasagna?

I've grown up not expecting our believing I deserve anyone to do anything for me so I just drag myself up and make my own.

FJ,

I've often loved your posts and thought we could be friends. I would love to be in your lasagna community. (Fantastic phrase - captures so much.)

I was a foster kid who aged out at 18, but I've never lacked for best friends and support. But I am pretty extraverted and invest in community.

Also, I am straight but I could never worship in a faith community where gays were not welcome. So, I attend gay-friendly open doors churches. My church is really supportive and organizes meals for people dealing with illness, divorce and new babies.

I hope you find community. For me, I nearly fired my therapist because I knew I needed more "real" support. But I love the old woman now and I see her as the person for whom I can save my super crazy, giving the best and not neediest of me to my friends!

I'm so sorry about your partner. You do need a lot of support to get through this!

Thank you so much for all your support! It actually feels like I can now fill my freezer with all the virtual lasagna you've sent and pop it into the oven when I need it.

I have some nice friends, one in particular who has very generous lasagna-giving ways. It's funny, she's not a soulmate type friend in that I don't feel like we can just talk about anything or be wordlessly attuned to one another, but she is very reliably there when I need something. I try to do the same for her.

I am trying to recognize friendly overtures from people I like. This is something I was once pretty good at but I guess I became shy from lack of practice. I got out of practice because of overwhelm from all this other stuff that was going on. I have a new friend I met over the summer and we've gone out twice now and had a good time. I've signed up for an arty type class at the community centre for the fall. So I'm working on it! Sometimes it is hard to prioritize this stuff, I keep reminding myself to treat it with at least as much seriousness as I would a professional commitment.

I have trouble identifying when I need help and also find asking hard once I've realized I need it.

The whole religion thing is its own adventure. The congregation I was thinking of trying out is pretty liberal and I think low key. The main clergy type person is queer. I'm not worried too much about feeling marginalized, just don't know if it's my thing. But it's not all or nothing, showing up infrequently is an option. They have potluck dinners a lot--bodes well for finding people who are used to bringing food, amirite people?

I never had a lasagne crew but I imagine it would be nice to feel that support.
I am sorry to hear about your relationship Favourite jeans. It can be very hard when you feel differently and don't get a say, after being with someone for years. I am glad to hear that you are being pro active and going to try religion for support and lasagne. It works here in my country only they bring brown bread or fruit cake instead , perhaps if they brought lasagne I would consider going to mass.

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My mother would've been my lasagne crew, despite our differences.

Yeah I see what you mean. I'm sure the fruit cake bringers are lovely, well-intentioned people but I could see where it might not quite hit the spot and certainly would not induce me to go to a service I was otherwise reluctant to attend. Brown bread though... Homemade? Or even just fresh from the bakery? I could get into that.

Yeah, I know. My mother was my lasagna crew despite our differences. It's a very stark loss.

I don't have a lasagna crew either. Except for my parents and my brother (but I'm not close to him) I don't have any family. So I can't count on that at all for support.
As for community, I live in a big city and that sort of thing doesn't really exist.

Churches in my country are mostly empty (the only places of worship that may be full are mosques). Besides I'm an atheist so going to church makes no sense to me.

Have you tried Rotary club or any sort of club? I'd start there if I were you. Of course that may not be as developed in the US, I have no idea. I'm actually going to join an expat club in my city because expats, being far away from home, are more likely to be open to new relationships.
Good luck to you!

Interesting ideas! Good luck with the club plan.

I guess I should add after all this discussion that I'm Jewish so the whole atheism thing isn't really much of a barrier in the more liberal denominations. I'd say one third, perhaps even half, of the folks in the particular denomination I'm contemplating (and the one in which I was raised) would describe themselves as agnostic or questioning if not atheist. The rest are usually comfortable with the notion of God as a philosophical dimension. They say stuff like "God is that aspect of reality which allows to withstand the worst which befalls us" and speak less often about some external force with its own volition or agenda. Many understand traditional sacred texts as mythology and parable rather than literal truths.

In my experience, the flip side of concern, caring and community can be gossipy, conformist, meddlesome and judgmental. Community, religiously-based or otherwise, generally demands a degree of conformity that I've sometimes found uncomfortable. In order to have a strong sense of "us" we develop a (usually tacit) notion of "not us." On the other hand, this strong sense of "us" keeps folks caring about (and bringing lasagna to) people they might not know very intimately or enjoy as friends but nonetheless value as members of their community.

Until now, my fear of the judgy and otherwise unpleasant aspects of that kind of community have outweighed my desire join up for the lasagna aspects.

Brown bread or fruitcake would work for me!!

Growing up we were more fried chicken/chicken cassarole bringers. Sometimes pulled pork.
Growing up-we were like this (this is one of the funniest books I have read) "being dead is no excuse"
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1401359345/...960687298_6848

And now that I am no longer that deep south - I have to make do with different care food.

I don't have a lasagna crew, have not particularly felt the lack; but I do need a person I can call when the car breaks down and I'm stuck on the side of the road. My sister would come get me, even if I was hours away, but there is not one other person I could reach out to if I needed help.

Abusive relationships usually equal the end of any close friendships. Now at 41 I'm unsure how to start making good friends again. It takes so much energy to maintain contact with people, and I'm lazy and anti-social.

Guess I'd be better off with a membership to AAA than a couple new friends. Might cost less and end up being more helpful!

Oh homemade of course, it would be a sin to buy it here in Ireland it's the only thing that people know how to bake. They are well meaning if a little nosy too but support is support!
Let us know how your new congregation goes. Sounds a lot more liberal than the churches here anyway

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When I saw the name of this tread I thought it was a reference to the movie "Clerks"

And don't really have anyone who would bring me lasagna, but do have at least one friend who would invite me over for lasagna and send me home with leftovers.

So I figured that maybe I need to put a little lasagna out into the universe, plant lasagna seeds, so to speak. I realized that I was working on an unconscious (and dumb) assumption that everyone else has lots of support and community and that I am the only one who lacks it. I also can feel a bit shy at times and sometimes assume (again unconsciously) that people wouldn't want to be friends with me and that my presence is somehow intrusive or unwelcome.

*Sigh* High school is never truly over, is it?

I realized this because a neighbour across the street lost her mother the other day and I had the impulse to make her lasagna. Then I found myself thinking "she really doesn't need me" and "I don't need to insert myself into other people's lives" as though I was contemplating taking up residence in her living room or something.

So I pushed myself. I didn't have lasagna ingredients but I made an apple crisp and brought it over and told her how sorry I was about her mom, gave her a quick hug and said I was thinking about her and... then I left. It really was no big deal. It was good. You know: taking little steps to create the kind of community I want and being the neighbour I want to have.

That was a kind thing to do. I've gone through losses and when things settle down you remember who showed with the lasagna

Sounds like putting yourself out there was a really good step in initiating your own lasagne crew
It's nice to hear some positive stories. If I had just lost a parent and someone cared as much as you did it would be nice to know that someone thought enough to do that.
It sounds as though you have a fear of rejection that sometimes stops you from getting out there into the lasagne community. Yes, it's a big risk but the loss of community by not putting yourself out there or by taking no risks is much bigger.
It's hard to push yourself when you believe so many negative things about yourself but who wouldn't want a friend/ neighbour to be there with lasagne/ apple crisp when you need it!


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This thread makes me sad.

NO, I do not have a lasagna crew.

When I was healthier, I used to help a lot of friends and acquaintances when they needed it. It made me feel so good to help others. But when I was in serious need, I didn't get support in return. I've had serious depressive and emotional issues for 15 years now, and my husband has been disabled for 10 years. In all that time, we have only had ONE meal given to us (other than by my mother-in-law).

I don't have a lasagna crew so much as a "craft" crew. Most of my support net has helped in the past by sending letters, little personal crafts, bracelets, and drawings from afar. My real neighbors are all in different states~