How can therapy help you fill "the void"?

This is somewhat related to another post but wanted to start a new thread to avoid hijacking that one. I had sort of a breakthrough in marriage counseling yesterday and am trying to process it. I think it's easiest if I just post an anonymized portion of what I sent to my (individual) T about that part of the appointment. Warning: Long!!! I bolded the key parts if you don't feel like reading it all!

Background: This conversation came about from my texting my marriage counselor (MC) at 3 a.m. Saturday while sitting alone on the beach, during a vacation with my husband (H), daughter, and parents. I was telling him how I just felt lonely and wished I could talk to him. I have strong transference for MC and just feel very emotionally connected to him, like more connected than I've felt with anyone for a long time. MC sent me a very kind response the next day, including the fact that I'm not alone because I have H. I told H about the texts, he's seen them (he knows about transference, as does MC). In my response to MC's text, I said that I still often have trouble reaching out to H. So that's where this part starts from:

"Conversation turned to the fact that I had trouble reaching out to H. MC said he thought, particularly in the last 6 months, that H had responded well whenever I opened up to him, so he was wondering why I had trouble opening up to him. I was like, "Well, yes, from the outside, from what we said, it would seem that way. But you're not in my head." MC asked if I believed from what H said that H loved and cared about me. I said, yes, but...I still felt like I wasn't getting something I needed. I said what T and I'd talked about, how I felt like I wasn't feeling the compassion and empathy that I wanted. Like H would say something, like "you'll be ok," but I wasn't feeling the compassion behind the words....

MC said he wondered if it was whether H felt empathy or whether it was just that he wasn't good at communicating it. I said that I couldn't know for sure but just wasn't getting the feeling from him. Around there, I also said that the reason I reached out to MC was that he's someone who does provide the empathy and compassion and that they seem to come naturally to him. But he said much of that was training (or at least in his ability to communicate it) and lots of practice. And about how it's easier for him to be that way with patients, because when he's that way with his family, he's also making himself vulnerable.

MC said the thing he'd said before about how no one is perfect and can't necessarily meet all needs. I said that this was a really important need for me, and started crying. I said sometimes I wondered if I needed to be with someone who does meet those needs (and had been a couple times in the past).

He asked what H was thinking, and H said he got the sense I was inching my way toward the door. And seemed (rightfully) bothered by it, but not like emotional really, like not crying or anything. Seemed more angry than anything, but he may not have wanted to show he was vulnerable. I wasn't sure what to say to that, because I couldn't be like, "It's definitely not that!" MC said he understood that fear.

I then said that I also wondered if some of this, at least in the past 6-8 months, was due to the depression and anxiety, plus the medications I'd been on. I said I didn't know if this was just something with me, that if I could figure all that out, then maybe I wouldn't have the same need or be feeling this way about H. And that I knew I had to work with T and p-doc on that. H said I wasn't necessarily acting outwardly depressed, like I wasn't sitting on the couch crying. I said that I tended to do that in my car, on the couch after he'd gone to bed, in the shower, or in your office. So maybe I need to be better about telling him what I'm feeling? Though I don't want to have to be like, "So, I'm feeling depressed (and/or anxious) today!" all the time.

Then MC had a look of realization and asked me, "Does it kind of feel like there's a void in you that needs to be filled? Like more stuff from the past, not just right now?" And I thought for a second and said that it did. He said what he was going to say might be harsh (it wasn't!), but that I wouldn't be expected to do this without support (like of H, T, and MC). But that I needed to figure out how to deal with/fill the void myself, because no one else would be able to fill it for me. Because it's from the past. He mentioned here how he'd said before how he didn't want to just keep reassuring me, like through individual sessions, because it would never be enough. (He also admitted he didn't exactly explain that very well at the time.) So that's something I should work on with T."

I keep thinking about this "void" and how it's probably affected so many of my relationships, especially romantic ones (I did a lot of dating before marrying H 7 years ago). And probably friendships too. I think for me it's related to not getting my emotional needs met as a kid/teen (I've discussed a bit of this in therapy).

I assume some of you on here have dealt with this sort of void. How has therapy helped you (or not helped you) with that? What are some directions I could go in? Would be mainly with individual T, but probably some discussion in MC too. Thanks!

Therapy only helps me as a column. I don't or never experienced any transference. I just see a Doctor as a Doctor.

For me, losing someone is a void but although it hurts and never forgotten other things take its place as time goes on.

I hope everything works out well for you.

Feel like I should clarify the whole "void" thing. Like an emotional need that no one can completely fill. A desire for reassurance, validation, understanding, etc. Which is completely human. But nothing anyone can give you is enough because the needs are rooted in the past. Like my H could give me all kinds of support, but it wouldn't be enough. It's not like he can go into the past and change how my parents reacted to my anxiety, OCD, and depression. And how I felt I wasn't accepted because of it. How I had to seem happy on the outside and not make any "mistakes." My strong mostly paternal (with a little erotic) transference for my marriage counselor is rooted in that, I'm sure. Because he's caring and accepting and understanding--the things that my parents weren't/aren't. It's like the transference made me realize the source of the wounds and that they're still there. Talking with MC and eventually coming to trust him has been healing in some ways. But I know it's not something that can just be magically fixed. And it's definitely having a negative impact on my relationship with my H--and I assume it has some effect on my 4-year-old daughter, too.

So I'm just curious as to how therapy has helped people deal with this and learn to eliminate or fill their own voids, without always needing something from other people that is never enough.

I have no idea. I have a void. A large void. (void is a funny word when repeated, although not so funny in context). Right now T gives me all the validation and reassurance I want/need/ask for/don't ask for/etc. I'm not sure how that will help in the future when I supposedly 'wean' myself from her like she says will happen. I don't know. Maybe I just stuff my emotional void with all that she gives and one day it's full. Perhaps it has to do with her therapeutic practice with me, re-mothering, so in a weird sense I get that emotional void that was rooted in the past filled in the now. I don't know. I don't even know if what I wrote makes sense. I do know that I ask and she gives, it feels good for a bit and then I ask for more. As long as she doesn't leave, take it away, quit, etc then perhaps it really will work.....

Therapy's helped me threefold. First, it gives me a safe, ample space to figure out the exact dimensions of the loss. Second it gives me the caring presence of my therapist to nurture me which eases the pain of the void. Third it gives me tools as needed to work through obstacles on the way to filling the void.

I will say much of the work is beyond therapy- I've worked many years on self-mothering and that's been a huge component of my process.

Also, I want to add- losses can't just be completely replaced. If a husband dies, for example, not even a new husband will replace the first of course! So it is with things we're missing from childhood- what I find works is understanding that it's okay to simply be sad (or have whatever feelings/experiences we do) about that, but that with work, we can keep the loss in perspective and have a full life but not actually erase pains caused by the past, just let them gently scar over and heal.

I didn't go to therapy to fill the void, but I have one and know the pain. I can't envision how therapy might help...it seems like there is a danger that they would have to keep giving and giving, and that can't go on forever.

So I avoid discussing the void (yeah, that is funny to hear it twice!) and hope that if therapy can help with the reasons I did enter it, it will affect the void.

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I think part of my T's validation and reassurance is validating my sadness and my grief over those losses. Teach me those feelings are fine to have and to not beat myself up over them. To not focus on the hole but she will help fill with what she can in order to teach me to 'self mother'.

It makes to aware of what it was you missed out on so you can grief it and move on from it bringing you into the here and now where everything you need is already there.

I feel as thought I have a huge hole in my heart and I have tried for therapy to fill that hole. I wanted my T to fill that hole. I know she can't. Therapy itself does not fill it, but learning how to self parent and find it within myself to fill it has helped to make it hurt not so much.

Thanks for all the responses. OK, a few of you mentioned "self-parenting" or "self-mothering." Can you talk a little more about that? Is it something you learned from therapy or just figured out on your own?

I can really relate to a couple of things here. One of them being my H, at other points in our relationship, being really out of touch with how I was really feeling, partly because I was keeping it from him. Forgive me if you've already said it, but what happens when you *don't* hide these things from your H? My H could be really cold and unkind when I reached out to him, so I stopped, but that didn't help things either. It sounds like you guys are working on his responses to you, and I'm wondering how much of a risk it would be for you to open up to him more.

And... while I can imagine why you wouldn't want to have to announce that you feel like crap every day, could you be more specific about why you don't want to? Is it that it's frustrating to have to broadcast your feelings so that he gets it? Is it feeling strange about being open about these feelings that you have always had to hide? Is it some other urge to pretend that things are ok?

Because it's ok to say you feel like crap every day, if you do. I would love it if you could get to the point with your H where you don't feel weird or vulnerable saying it over and over again, because he's your partner in all senses of the word.

Anyway I'm getting away from your actual question, which is how therapy fills the void. I wish I had an easy explanation for this -- but yes, I think it's something you need to work on mostly with individual T. I don't really know exactly how it helped, but somehow really identifying and naming and looking straight in the eye all those things I was missing from in the past really helped me. It meant going through it over and and over again, looking for patterns. Giving myself space to get angry with my parents, but also forgive them for some things. I think some of it was certainly realizing that not everything was my fault, and that I wasn't some defective person, but also claiming responsibility for things that, now, are under my control. My T has a pretty psychoanalytic orientation so we spent a LOT of time on my childhood. It's taken a long time, but I feel like going over that stuff, and finding a way to really BELIEVE that I deserved more help than I got as a (VERY CLEARLY DEPRESSED) child helped me make peace with it. I agree with Leah that it was less about "filling" a void, and more about recognizing it and even more importantly, recognizing when it is getting in the way of things that are not related to it. Allowing it to exist without taking over the present. I guess that's why it involved being really, really familiar with it.

One last thing I will suggest, and I do so gently and coming from a glass house -- I think if you can, try to avoid doing things like texting MC at 3 am. I totally get why you did it. I am really glad he is handling it well. But I don't see how it can be any good for your marriage. I have a hard time getting H to open up to me, and if he were texting a friend (especially an ex or a friend he might be a little attracted to) about how lonely he is, because he felt uncomfortable reaching out to me... that would really hurt, and I don't think it would accomplish anything other than making me want to just give up. If he were unapologetically abusive or you weren't really interested in working on your marriage, then I'd say whatever, but since you ARE trying to work on your marriage... I am not sure this kind of thing is helpful.

I learned much about self-mothering on my own, as a teenager who needed a mother, I did it myself. I read books. I practiced self-compassion, affirmations, gentle touch. I gave myself community. I indulged myself with favorite things. I made self-acceptance a vocation. I wrote myself letters. I worked through workbooks acknowledging my losses and upsets. I focused on maternal presences I'd known and strengthened that sense in myself. I read feminist literature, empowering, and studied the goddesses and feminine spirituality of all types. I filled myself up.

Thanks for asking me, because it is replenishing just to think back on this deliberate and healing experience I undertook. Sometimes it's good to be reminded!

Thank you for sharing this. T is saying one of the goals (out of a gazillion I swear) is to have me find safety and kindness from within for myself. This helps me understand that better.... I think. Therapy confuses me

For me, it was learning about what i had missed out on. My parents, for their own weird reasons, pretty much made a conscious decision not to form a loving attachment to me, or even talk to me very much. They talked to each other, but not in front of me. So i grew up with a pretty skewed idea of family life. For me, the void was normal. I didnt know people talked to each other and said things. So, just learning about attachment was the first step.

Trying to become comfortable with attachment is the second step. Im not surprised it seems easier to you to form an attachment to MC - he is safely unavailable, hes a fantasy. Your h is a reality. Your child is a reality. I would say, little steps that you can take every day. My t is a big believer in consistency. Do you hug every day? Its a great void filler.

Thanks for all the responses. Will respond more when I'm not chasing my daughter around the house! I'm very attached to her, by the way, and think I may be trying to make up for things I missed out on. (My MC said he did that with his kids--now teens--to try to make up for what he didn't get from his dad. Like he said for a while he went in every single field trip because his dad never went on any with him. And other stuff with his dad.)

Like my D has trouble falling asleep in her own at night and calls for me so I'll go in there with her. Including when she wakes up at 3 and is awake until 5. Which is detrimental to my sleep/sanity, and we're working now in stopping it, but it's hard to hear her calling for "mommy" and not go to her. I always worry that im not a good enough mother, especially with the depression and anxiety.

Many of us have that void. Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents would do that to you. No one can really fill that void though. We can find emotionally available people and have loving families etc but I don't think we can or should rely on others to fill that void. We have to do it ourselves. We do have to be able to recognize the void and be aware and love ourselves grow accordingly.

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I'm gonna respond about the 3 am text in one comment and the rest in another. Oh I know it's not healthy to text MC at 3 am (first time I'd texted him incidentally). I'm sure you won't be surprised that alcohol was involved (yes, that's another issue all together...). But as I brought up near the end of our session, I think I subconsciously did it so I'd have to talk to H about my trouble reaching out to him. Like I'd feel obligated to tell him about the text, then we'd discuss in session. (I learned through a previous thing that MC wouldn't break individual confidentiality even though we're in marriage counseling, so it would be on me to bring it up). It's not a healthy way to bring up an issue, but it got it out there...

And there may have also been some subconscious testing of both H and MC going on there too...again, not the healthiest, but there's a reason I'm in therapy! (And MC has said he thought in the past maybe I was testing him, and that it was OK if I did more of that--he just wouldn't want to keep giving me verbal reassurance since I'd only want more).

OK, now responding to this part. The way my H reacts to my depression and anxiety is a big issue here, too, and one I've brought up multiple times in marriage counseling and at home, with only a bit of success. Like, he'll get it when we're in session, say he'll do what we talked about, and then in the moment...not so much.

Unfortunately, like your H, mine can be rather cold when I tell him about things, too. I can think of times when I was actually sobbing in front of him or next to him in the car, and he basically did nothing. It didn't just feel like he froze--he just seemed...removed or something. It was particularly awkward in marriage counseling sessions, when I'd be there sobbing, H wouldn't be reacting at all--not even like looking sad that I was sad, touching my arm, anything. And then MC would be there, using his voice and eyes/expressions to comfort me (no touching or anything like that at all).

One time particularly stands out to me (that I think was the start of the transference--I was also mad at my T about something at the time). I was really upset, and was sobbing, and H wasn't reacting at all. I was crying so hard that I couldn't get the words out, and managed to say "I'm sorry" to MC. And just the way MC said, "It's OK," with such tenderness and caring in his voice was just...it was what I needed right then. Which is what made me initially think it was erotic transference, because, I mean, right in front of me, on one side (literally--the way we're seated, I'm between them) there's my H, not really responding to me or showing any emotion at all, and then there's my MC, seemingly genuinely concerned and comforting me. Yes, I pay him for that, but I'm married to H.

Really the "It's OK" in response to my apologizing is a big thing for me. I'm an over-apologizer, which drives my H nuts. Like he'll get mad at me and be like "Stop apologizing!!!" It's come up a few times in marriage counseling, when I was trying to explain why. And MC one time was like, "Is it that you need reassurance?" and I was like, "hm...well, yes." And to me, I figured that H would be like, "Oh, OK, she's apologizing because she wants reassurance" and then give me that reassurance. Like, all I wanted was an "It's OK" or "don't worry about it." But H doesn't really give me that. In fact, sometimes he gets annoyed with me instead. Please note that I do try to reduce the apologies, but it can be hard.

It's especially bad if I'm having a panic attack, because my instinct is to apologize, but he just gets annoyed. He's even said in counseling that it's annoying. Which...how is that supposed to make me feel? Especially if I'm in a state of panic, I then have to worry not just about my panic but annoying my H? I want him to feel compassion for me, to try to help me, not to be annoyed. I've told him before that I want him to try to help me through it, and occasionally he'll be like, "It's OK, you'll get through it," but it sounds like he's just saying it out of obligation. Like, "sigh, I guess I'm supposed to say this to be nice, but really I'm annoyed." Shouldn't he be upset that I'm in so much distress? Note that my panic attacks have decreased greatly (like daily to once a week or less) since I started seeing T a few years ago, so it's not like I'm expecting him to do this once a day or more. But they come out sometimes when I'm under stress and there are multiple triggers, like driving to and from the beach this weekend (my family, being in the car, traffic, bridges--I have to cross one of what's considered the scariest bridges in the country to get there).

Something else that was a thing was I was in grad school and working part-time from home and, at one point, also caring for our daughter all day (till she was 18 months, then started day care). So...that was a lot going on. And I'd tell him if, like I had a paper due and had to be really busy for a few days (and might need him to take over for our daughter a bunch), or if I had a bunch of deadlines for work, something like that. Like I felt like I made it really clear, but then he'd say that he didn't understand I was so stressed. Or, with the telling him I'm depressed thing, I can tell him stuff like that, but it's like it doesn't register. Or I can say I have a headache (used to get bad migraines--much better since I had my daughter and got off the pill) or am really wiped out, but it's like he just seems annoyed. Then later will be like, "why didn't you say you had a headache?" or "Why didn't you say you were really stressed?" Um, I did!

Another thing with talking to H about stuff going on in my head is that there have been times I've been open with him, and he seemed fairly accepting and supportive, then a week later has told me it upset him or that I told him too much stuff. That happened a couple times in a row, so I worry about telling him things, that it will be fine, then suddenly it won't.

Really, the biggest thing though is feeling a lack of compassion and empathy from him. I get that with him talking about other people too, like his mom or sister or a friend. Like his mom's upset about something, and he's just annoyed about it. I'm very empathic (my T agrees with this and actually has implied I'd make a good T because of it), like I can sense people's moods and may feel anxious or sad if they are. So it's hard to comprehend someone just not feeling that. Or just looking at me crying and not reacting.

So I don't know how much of this is me and how much of this is H. I've been with people in the past on both ends of the empathy scale and in between. I think part of why I opted for H is that he's fairly stable and laid back, which counters my anxiety and occasional depression. And everyone said we're "natural" together.

But sometimes I really miss being with someone who seems to get me on that deeper level, who has, say, experienced depression in the past (most of my exes!) and can genuinely understand. Even if maybe they weren't the world's most stable person. Or at least that would, maybe not understand, but see that someone he loves is in pain or struggling and react to that. Not that I want coddling or constant reassurance, but something... I think seeing MC has in some ways reawakened that desire in me because he's very empathic and seems to genuinely understand and "get" me (I know from what he's said he's had/has some anxiety, self-doubt, and, I get the sense, depression issues, too). It's like it reminds me what it's like to feel that understanding and sets up...I don't know, like a mirror to my relationship. Obviously, I couldn't ever be with MC--and because we're similar, we'd likely be a nightmare together anyway, constantly apologizing and reassuring each other, etc.--but it just sets up the longing to be with someone who does get it, and who I really feel like gets me. Rather than just, I don't know, puts up with me. Or who, OK, loves and cares about me, but who isn't really *there* for me in the way that I want/need.

OK, that was a novella, but it helped to get that out...

Have you guys ever gone deeper in MC to why H doesn't seem to be very empathatic to your needs?

Ok I apologize ahead of time because I don't know how to explain it without sounding a bit harsh. I don't mean that way. Just trying to understand

I wonder if your H detaches to protect himself. If every time you are in panic or feel depressed or anxious, which does sound often and a lot, he responds to it with his emotions it's going to consume his life, there is a bit of becoming co dependent here.

Responding with feelings and emotions to someone mental health issue is emotionally consuming. And somebody does need to stay calm in the storm

I lived with a man who has anxiety and depression and drinks to top it off. I was expected to respond with empathy. At some point it became too much and I had to detach. His mental health became the entire focus of our live together. He didn't do what needed to be done to get better ( which is not the case with you), yet I had to respond with empathy. I am very emphatic and understanding but at some point it becomes too much. I started to feel that just because I don't suffer from serious issues ( I get anxious but it's not serious ), my life and my feelings and my struggles weren't as big or as important.

Like if lets say we are somewhere enjoying good time and he becomes depressed or panicking we have to turn around go home. If I don't go with him then I am not being emphatic but if I do then my evening is ruined. Ok one evening. But what if it's every evening every week or every day?

Also perhaps when you observe a lot of pain at some point you might become numb to it a bit?

Like let's say the other day my BF got teary eyed about something( we were talking about mothers and he lost his to cancer and mine has cancer now). It was heartbreaking and I was of course hugging him etc but if he cried about something every single day would I be able to be coddling and full of empathy a day after day?

I doubt it, i would have to detach eventually in hopes he learns to soothe himself and to kind of save myself. And trust me I am very understanding of people needs but we can only do that much for others even our partners




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This. I have always been attracted to people who are safely unavailable. Previous T was the perfect person to attach to, because she didn't even like me. Learning to let myself fill that void - or have it filled by caring others in my life is perhaps the most important thing I'm learning in therapy.

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We have to some extent. Yesterday it was partly about whether it was that he's not empathic or is bad about communicating his empathy. Like MC was saying part of his training was expressing empathy, so it could be that H is just bad at expressing/communicating it. I was just sort of like, eh, maybe.

The problem is, in the past, one of the times we discussed it, MC was saying that he didn't think that H wasn't empathic toward me. However, even if he wasn't, it would be OK. While I was thinking to myself (and may have said at the time), no it's not! MC tries to emphasize that no one person can meet anyone's needs (hence having friends, family, etc. outside your SO). But to me, empathy is a pretty important need from a spouse/partner. Incidentally, my T (female) agrees with me, and thought it was weird that MC was implying a lack of empathy would have been OK.

Yesterday, I brought up MC saying that it would be OK if H didn't have empathy, and MC said that was more a hypothetical because he doesn't believe that H doesn't have empathy. (As in, he thinks H does have empathy.) And MC will say that I shouldn't idealize how he is because it's different for him when he's dealing with patients because it's basically one-sided. Whereas with his wife/kids/family/friends, he's also making himself vulnerable by being empathic towards them. Plus, as he says, it's not like he can be that way with them all the time--and he's mentioned his shortcomings as a husband and father multiple times.

So...I feel like bringing up the empathy thing can be like beating a dead horse. With MC trying to make sure I'm not idealizing him and having unrealistic expectations of H. And MC seeming to think that, because H says in session that he cares and that he loves me, that means he's empathic. I sometimes feel like MC is trying so hard to not "take sides" that he ends up saying things like "Well, maybe it's OK if he doesn't have empathy." And it could be that he's trying to be extra careful with that because of the transference. (Incidentally, H and I have had multiple discussions on whether he's still OK with us seeing MC, since the transference came out, and he's repeatedly said he's good with it, and likes him, so he wants to keep going.)

Which is why in the most recent session, I started suggesting maybe the empathy was really about me. The thing is, I really think it's a combination of both H and I--I might expect more than he's able to give. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic. But then maybe H isn't showing a level of empathy that the average spouse would be content with either.

We did talk some in the most recent session about ways H (I keep almost typing his name) can better demonstrate empathy, like through active listening. And about H responding to the emotion behind the behavior rather than the behavior itself. The example in this case is on our beach trip, I was driving and apologized for braking hard. H was like, "Why are you apologizing, you stopped?" In session, MC said that the behavior was stopping, but the emotion behind it was the fact that I was stressed by the drive and vacation, so was apologizing for something minor because of that and just needed reassurance. I think H understood that.

We also discussed ways that I can ask specifically for what I want, like if I want a hug or I want him to give me space. It's hard for me to ask for things like a hug though. Asking for space is easier somehow. Maybe because the hug makes me more vulnerable, I don't know.

I think that answers your question, which was a good one.

It might be extremely weird, but maybe you can start by saying "I just need a hug right now," or "Can you please just say 'I'm sorry," or whatever it is you think will help you in the moment. I get that it can feel counterintuitive (why should YOU have to tell your husband what to say to make you feel better!), but maybe it is something that he just needs to learn how to do better. It isn't saying that he isn't empathatic, but more likely, doesn't show it the same way you need.

I say this as a perrenial single person, and never married.

Also, if by explicitly stating your needs (eww, yuck, needs! *or maybe that is me *), he will learn in future situations how better to react in the moment, thus making him and you feel better.

First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's a lot going on here, some of which reminds me of my own depression and some of it (the tone deaf husband, which I don't deal with) just hurts to read because your pain transmits so clearly.

In answer to your question:

Yes, I have that void. In therapy, I don't deal with it as a void so much as an endless despair, but I think they are the same or similar. At some point in life, I stopped thinking it could be filled, so I dealt with it by becoming resigned to a half-life.

The therapist I see now is the only one that's been helpful to me in dealing with this, but it is very slow, hard work. On one hand, there is the depression that colors my perception (or saps the color from it), so I don't see or feel much goodness or care, even when it's there. This is a tangible thing for me to track and discuss in therapy. Again, progress is glacial, but perceptible. That might be some of your challenge, too, even though your H doesn't think you look the part. For one thing, medication dulls the intensity of symptoms so it would be hard to see, but that doesn't mean it's not still affecting perceptions.

The other sense of void I feel, which your marriage issues are most similar to, is the lack of deep connection with someone. You have a sense for what you're missing because your MC is so attuned to you, but his role is even more limited than an individual therapist. I feel fortunate to have found a therapist who gets where I am and what I'm going through and can have honest discussions about it. There's a connection that's authentic. In that way—a limited but very real way—the therapy relationship helps me not feel so alone. If I had a partner who was like your husband is right now (not saying he won't step up), I would feel the gap more acutely.

I don't know if any of that answers your question. I hope you find what you're looking for (and deserve).