[CantExplain]

Forming an attachment to a therapist is like having an affair with a married woman. Pretty soon the pain outweighs the pleasure.

[stopdog]

Actually I think attachment to anything is a bit dodgy. Pets and people die even if they don't leave, they are annoying and imperfect, things deteriorate or break. Disappointment and grief is unavoidable I think. I am not a huge fan of attaching to a therapist, I just don't see it as worse than attaching to any other stranger.
And in your analogy - I would think in an affair, a married person would be the best choice - they can't smother you - they have other obligations that mean they can't get too annoying.
As long as they don't want to leave their spouse or partner for you - it would seem in theory a good set up. The trouble as I see it would be if they wanted to throw everything over and be with the new person- if I was the new person I mean.

[atisketatasket]

Exactly why I was not thrilled when No. 2 let slip that No. 1's basic therapeutic approach is to practice attachment theory.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Forming an attachment to a therapist is like having an affair with a married woman. Pretty soon the pain outweighs the pleasure.

Attachment to anyone/anything causes pain eventually. They let you down, they die, but a life without any attachment is worse I think.

Basically, it's better to have loved than never loved at all.

Granted, it's more complicated with a therapist, as they're meant to be a temporary part of our lives.

Yes, true.

[BayBrony]

I disagree.
I am in the midst of a foundation-shaking rupture with my t of 3.5 years. I am powerfully attached.
The rupture has been horrible. I have thought about quitting therapy numerous times and been self destructive. I've also learned that while my therapist made mistakes I also have powerful distorted thinking in relationships and this is making it clear.
Understanding what the relationship is and is not is essential. If by "attached" you mean " I want my therapist to be more than my therapist" that part is hard but for me I am starting to learn it's part of a broader habit of wanting people in my life to be "more" due to the extensive early abuse and neglect I experienced. Learning to accept her for who she is and what she can give me is the first step in learning to accept everyone in my life for who and what they are instead of what my child self needs them to be.

There is SO MUCH for me to learn here in the center of this pain. Of course, my T has needed to help me and has a great deal.

In all relationships the trust has to have some resilience but not too much. I find I either become overly upset about small shifts in the relationship OR I silently absorb rudeness and even abuse....but learning how to give enough of myself without losing it is a long process.

So I think the attachment is worth it. Also for me the fact that I genuinely love my T and still hoped she loved me is what made me keep coming back when it's been so hard. The relationship draws me back and supports me so I continue to work on my stuff

[JustShakey]

Well, yeah, it does. But without it you are not living.

[SkyscraperMeow]

It's a choice. If you attach, you open yourself to inevitable pain.

If you don't, you walk around emotionless, hollow, empty and usually fairly depressed. You operate from ideas, not feelings, and you often have no idea who or what you really are, because not only does lack of attachment mean you don't connect with others, you often don't connect with yourself either.

I think therapy involves attachment, and pain, but for me it also means that I don't feel empty so much and that when I do have my moments, instead of being lost for days, I have someone I can email or call and feel grounded again. It's not always easy, I'm not always happy, and sometimes it does suck. But it's so much better than what used to be.

It's always going to hurt when the inevitable pain comes, but the alternative is just feeling the pain of separation all the time, carrying it with you day in day out, thinking you're numb, but instead just being inured to the pain.

People seek therapy and attachment for a reason. That doesn't mean they'll have a swell time, and it doesn't mean all therapists are created equal (they're not) but it means that for some of the people, some of the time, life feels a lot more bearable and worth living than it did before.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

Yes, true.

Who are you agreeing with?

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Any attachment to anyone involves pain. I have learned this the hard way. Its more unique with my therapist because even though my attachment to her causes me a lot of pain, when I have my sessions and I look at her and hear her voice or her laugh at something it feels like its worth it. I am so blessed to know such an incredible person that has helped me so much that the pain is part of the package. I would rather hurt than to have never met or known her.

[emlou019]

Agree with others, attachments are the bain of my life! But without them we'd just be a robot. I try and embrace them even though they are difficult. I have an attachment to my t, never thought I would. Actually pleased. As it's allowed me to be more open and comfortable with him.

Yes, all attachment leads to pain. And I'm sorry, but it really rubs me the wrong way when people make sweeping generalisations about everybody else's lives when it comes to these kinds of things. For some people, it's worth it because the pain is outweighed by the pleasure while the attachment lasted. But not for everybody, and it's certainly not true that life without the pain of attachments is automatically less worthwile. If it's true for you, it's true for you, but remember that there are entire religions built on the concept of escaping attachment - there are absolutely no universal truths about this.

Attachment is very hard to avoid, and so the pain is almost inescapable. That doesn't mean that the pain is good or makes life better. For some people, yes. But not for all people, and that doesn't make those latter people empty or non-human.

[divine1966]

Attachment could cause pain but it's human nature to feel emotional closeness and attachment to people in our lives. Kids, spouses, siblings, close friends. Even if it causes pain at times it's worth it. Wouldn't want to live without it. As with therapy I am not sure. I am not attached to my t. I do like her though but I do like a lot of people. Many I see way more often than t. Coworkers for example

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[stopdog]

I agree I don't think pain is worth it in general or that attachment is good as a blanket statement - just it is hard to avoid completely. I don't so much worry about people leaving. I don't see the need for it more than anything. I haven't found it to make most things better and sometimes it makes others want to glom onto you and you have to extracate yourself from them and they emote at you. All unncessarily messy.

I wrote this on another thread, but it seems equally applicable on this one:

Attachment gets a very negative rap sometimes because for many it is a very anxious and insecure attachment that creates a great deal of tension, but for others of us, attachment is simply a comfortable, secure, caring relationship that will go through natural phases: natural beginnings, changes, and endings (because all relationships eventually end in some way). We don't really fear those endings because we accept, as painful as they might be, that they do have to happen.

I've lost some very precious people in my life over the years, and yes, it is painful to go through those endings, but for me at least, I wouldn't have traded the years and relationships that came prior to those endings for the world. I think losing my sister -- a very close relationship of 46 years, probably truly my closest relationship ever -- taught me that I could survive great loss, still cherish her memory and our relationship for the blessing it was, and not get stuck in that loss but instead still move on and continue in other relationships.

Attachment, for me at least, leads to relationship and support and joy first and foremost. Attachment is much more pleasurable than it is painful, and I have discovered it actually lasts beyond the endings.

If I remember correctly:
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all
(In Memoriam AHH, Lord Alfred Tennyson)

I don't know - I've never really experienced that someone I was attached to left and left me hurting. Maybe I just don't get attached like that - maybe I don't easily get hurt by it - maybe I've just been lucky so far. Who knows.

I'm not attached to my T. I'm attached to the care she provides, but if she quits her job, I'd be alright as long as there is someone else I can do similar therapy with.