[ScarletPimpernel]

Today I talked to T about something that I have never really talked to anyone about. It was hard, but I'm also feel a little relief.

This all started a couple weeks ago in group therapy. One of the women was talking about some bad experiences with men. Somehow the conversation got switched to me because of my fear of men, and I admitted to one of my experiences. Skip forward to yesterday. I saw my group T individually so we could get to know each other better, and deal with the issue of him telling me I'm resistant. Well, we were doing my history and he asked about "the rape". It totally shocked me. I told him I would never label it as such. So he called it an assault. So we talked a little bit about "the assaults". Today, I was updating my T about what group T and I discussed. When I mentioned "assault" she stopped me and asked her to remind her about them. I told her I never told her about them. So she asked me to talk about it.

They happened about 11-13 years ago. I have mostly become numb about it, but still carry guilt and shame. This whole time I have put the blame on myself. I didn't say no, I didn't fight. To me, how can I blame someone for such a crime if they didn't know I didn't want it. But my T told me it's not about that I didn't say no, it's that I didn't say yes. She said they would have known. And where they happened was wrong too. She said it was rape. Well, 2 were, one was an assault.

I don't know why, but I can't accept that. I still feel it's my fault. I should have done something. But she said if I would have done something it could have been worse. And so many others have such worse, more violent experiences. Mine was simply trusting the wrong guys. I cannot accept the word rape. I cannot accept being a "victim".

But my group T, T, and even my fiance (just talked to him), say it's rape.

I just don't know how to accept what they are saying as truth. Can't it have all just been an accident? A misunderstanding? Can't they be wrong? And she wants me to talk about it more in the future. Why? What good does that do? I will always have shame and guilt about it. It will always be a part of my life. It doesn't affect my relationship with my fiance. Sure I'm afraid of men, but is that such a bad thing.

I'm glad I talked about it because now she knows what I've been through, but I kinda don't know what to do with this new perspective. Do I have to accept it? If so, then how?

[justdesserts]

My therapist has helped me identify things in marriage as rape or assault that I've been justifying for years. Sometimes it takes someone with a clearer head and an outside perspective to help us see things without all the emotion we attach to it.

[atisketatasket]

You don't have to accept your therapist's perspective, or anyone else's, on anything, unless you want to. In this case, I suspect you might ultimately find their perspective useful to at least understand if not embrace. Though, speaking from experience on the same subject, it will take some time to get there.

And, no, these things are not misunderstandings, and yes, resistance often makes it worse. I can say that without knowing any details just because of my own experience.



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[stopdog]

I doubt I have ever agreed with the woman's perspective

[Ellahmae]

SP, I'm in the same boat. Just wanted to send you some support and to say I understand. ~EM

[passionfruit3]

I was never raped but what happened at fourteen even if we were kids was a violation that hurt a lot.i said no but he kept coming on to me.my mom blames me cause i didn't resist.he was younger so mom says im to blame and to not say anything cause ill be to blame

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I have a similar situation in my past, and it was only when I heard on the radio last year "if you didn't consent to sex, then it is rape" that I began to identify it as rape. It hadn't occurred to me before, and I felt so much shame about my perceived 'stupidity' in getting myself in that situation that I had never talked to anyone about it before.
It was only after I started to blame the perp instead of myself that I can talk to T about it and I'm no longer paralysed by the shame.
You don't need to agree with your T about the term rape (after all it's only a label, and doesn't change what happened) but I think it's important to try to let go of the self-blame ('I didn't say no' etc) and working to remove that shame could be very helpul for you.

Certainly not, but yours is a more specific question.

I found part of the process I had to go through in my own healing was accepting that what happened to me really was what it was. So long as I minimized it, so long as I kept making excuses for it, so long as I found ways to somehow place even part of the blame on myself, I lived with shame and guilt and depression and low self-esteem and anxiety and . . . and . . . and . . . . When I gained the strength to call it what it was, when I placed the responsibility squarely where it belonged (and it wasn't on myself), THAT is when I started to respect myself, regained my confidence, learned to love and nurture myself. It didn't happen all at once, but so long as I kept trying to justify and minimize what happened to me, I was stuck.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

No I don't aways agree with her and I tell her when I don't and we talk about it.

No I don't always agree. Not that I have to. But it's good to be presented with a different reality so it can be discussed and understood. What's the point of therapy if we're not open to thinking about things in several ways.

No I don't always agree but I always listen to and consider his feedback and suggestions and like to discuss them with him in more detail. And I find most of them definitely worthy of my attention, often a closer look from a bit of distance as well. I don't think anyone has to agree with anyone else all the time or even most of the time if the relationship allows a decent amount of authenticity.

[nottrustin]

We frequently disagree. She doesn't want me to just agree with her. She offers other perspectives but wants me to have my thoughts. She often says we can agree to disagree. Occasionally over time I realize she is right..Other times we will always disagree.