[Ambra]

After days of suffering I need your help with this.
My T postponed her leave and I found out it's much shorter than I expected anyway. So I want to stay and wait then until she is back as I didn't like new T. I really like my T, she has done a lot for me even when she wasn't supposed to. She really sticked through everything: city and schedule changes, payment etc. I have huge attachment and abandonment issues and I had always been sure she liked me at least a bit and that she wouldn't probably abandon me abruptly. I told her I tried another T and she asked me if I feel the need to change and when I said I'd rather not, we had a chat about it and T told me we'll finish together what we started, when I'll be ready and ok with spacing sessions and we will both agree to it and that she will never tell me "next week is our last session Ambra, bye bye". She's always kept the promise in 2.5 years so far so, knowing she will also be back sooner than I thought, I was quite ok.

Except for a thing: since we changed our day, I happen to be after another client of hers. They always run out. First time, ok. Second, ok. Third, mmm. Then now on our first session after 6 weeks again, and the time after.. again! I feel like I can't complain because she did it with me so many times, and even by 30-50 minutes when I was in pain, and never charged me, but there was no one after me.
Now it happens constantly since I've been after him. I hate it.
I start session 10-15 minutes later. And we finish on time. It's been 7 times continuously. I start sessions nervous and eventually I like talking to her, but something has changed.

I wonder if she has increased her fee. She never did it with me so I don't know. Never wanted extra money or me to pay even for a session I forgot (even though I always wanted to pay and she insisted on not taking my money and has always been ok with it!). So maybe it's not even that.

I fear she feels she has to keep her promise, but even then, she seemed so convinced the other day and looked worried that I wanted to switch T! I fear she is just fed up. She is pregnant, true, and tired - but we finish at the same time indeed, the only thing being that the guy takes 60 minutes and there are 30 left for me. Her answer to "do you want to do in the morning?" was "no problem".
T has never done that before. She also knows I rush to session after work to be on time. And then I wait 10+ minutes there and start session angry and frustrated. Last time I texted her "tell me when you're ready please, I'm fed up of ringing and interrupting" in an attempt to point this out, but she didn't read the text until that client was gone. She didn't acknowledge my feelings at all. She only noticed I was nervous. And since there were also other reasons, we concentrated on those. At the end I told her I know there's someone else and we can meet 15 minutes later, but she said it's ok and not to worry about ringing.

The point is, I don't want to have to fight even for that hour, I'm fighting for so many other things right now. She knows it. I don't need any particular skill right now, I just needed the certainty of my safe place in a moment when I've just been abandoned by someone and relocated and have a new job to learn. I feel like these 3 random sessions in her leave, that were meant to touch base and feel safer, are doing me way more harm than good. I just wanted to see my safe hour is still there and is a certainty as long as I need it - as T herself points out - but instead I find a completely different attitude.

Knowing there's always the "get a new T" option and that it's not contemplated at the moment, at least until I find out what happened, what can I do to make T understand how upsetting this is? I don't even feel ok telling her because we've had longer sessions so many times.. not at others' expenses though.

I feel like I'm totally unimportant now and that everything has changed and it's just extremely frustrating, painful and triggering. I think about this and I feel like crying just like the other painful times in my life. Due to how loving she was she has now a huge power on me. I feel so vulnerable right now and am literally begging for her attention. I feel so rejected.

The point is really not getting a new T, I have time for that if I wanted. But I need to understand, just going away would screw me up more.

Advice? Help me.

[Leah123]

Hi there, I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I see two things happening here- she's starting late and you're drawing conclusions about what it means. I think it's critically important that you tell your therapist your concern directly, just like you did here. I'd give her this message or a similar one in writing if it's easier for you, but I hear you projecting a lot onto her and she can help clear this up with you if you'll give her a chance. And if she doesn't respond in a helpful way, then you'll be a lot clearer anyhow and able to figure out what to do from there.

[Rive.]

It would be best to address this with her directly (i.e. how it feels for you) rather than in a circular fashion as you did (e.g. we can start later). Maybe, from what you wrote, she isn't getting where you are coming from.

She doesn't seem to have changed attitudes towards you. And I can't see, from what you wrote, any rejection from her part and certainly not that she "can't stand you anymore". That is reading and assuming a lot from the meagre facts you have.

You say she kept you late many times but at no one else's expense. Still, she stayed that long herself, for you. She was willing to put in the time and effort (at no extra cost), for you. Therefore, I would cut her some slack and ask...rather than automatically think the worst.

So I would suggest having a polite, non-accusatory (nor aggressive) open-hearted discussion.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree with what Leah and Rive said

[wotchermuggle]

I'm wondering if you approach it with her like, "I've noticed that we start about 15 minutes late lately and was wondering if changing our hourly appointment from 15 minutes after X to 15 minutes after Y would work better? You wouldn't have to worry about starting until a little later and I wouldn't feel so rushed from work."

Perhaps that would feel like less of a confrontation and make the discussion easier?

It acknowledges she's been starting late and reiterates your appointment should be an hour long while giving her an "out" so it doesn't seem accusatory.

[Ambra]

Thank you for your support and advice. I have a tendency to be passive aggressive and was still thinking about it angrily. I had even planned to wait outside until she
notices I'm not there after the other session finishes and let her call me. I realize now that this might be seen as manipulative but I honestly didn't mean that, I just so hate it, I have huge issues with that and it is even phisically very hard to ring the bell (twice, as there are two entrances) knowing that EVERY time I interrupt a great session - surely more interesting than mine - and have to wait another 10 minutes anyway in the hall in front of e closed door. I never thought it could feel so frustrating and sad. I feel pathetic, sorry.. this is the hurt jealous child in me that han't been around for a while until this.

So I guess showing her I don't believe in our session time arriving late (well, just not leaving abruptly the work place as I do on session day) is not a good idea.

I hate to stand up for these things. And with my T.

I don't know how to tell her without sounding accusatory.
"T, I wanted to tell you this ringing and then starting late for 7 times in a row makes me uncomfortable and is extremely frustrating. It makes me feel out of place. Can you please think about it and tell me what can be behind it? Do you feel bound to your promise that you'll stay but don't feel like it anymore? Do you think I'm ready, or is there anything of me that actually bugs you?"

We can talk about it. Even countertransference. I'm mature enough and open to listen because I really care about T and she's so genuine, I clearly see when she is uneasy. I just hate being made pass for a fool and denial. That makes me passive aggressive. When I told her I knew she runs out because of a client she seemed hit and a kind of sorry/uneasy.
So this is what I would ask her (not aggressively) in an ideal world. Is it too much? Do you think I should address something else?
Also, she then never uses her phone. I mean, she is there during session. It's just... this. For 7 times in a row since changing day on her request.

Ah, is it ok to be bothered by this or is it just.. me?
Thanks..

[kennyc]

You are paying their salary. Make sure you get your money's worth!

as said above, address it directly with the therapist....

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by Ambra

Ah, is it ok to be bothered by this or is it just.. me?

To be honest, what she’s doing would bother me too. And as kennyc says, you are paying for a whole session after all, and she is shortchanging you. If it happened once in a while, okay.... *if* she'd make up the time at the end by letting you stay later, that would also be more acceptable but she is not. She ought to be mindful of that herself actually, so your anger is also understandable.

But I would sincerely advise against doing the following:

Originally Posted by Ambra

So I guess showing her I don't believe in our session time arriving late (well, just not leaving abruptly the work place as I do on session day) is not a good idea

for several reasons: it might turn ugly and lead to a confrontation, she might miss the point again and hey, what better opportunity than to try different - or shall i even say ‘healthier’ patterns of behaviour. So, all in all: direct communication would circumvent any potential misunderstanding (between you both) and a world of additional pain and/or resentment (for you) in case she, again, fails the ‘test’.

I don’t know what you could say (can’t really think properly, sorry) but maybe something along the lines of: you noticing the sessions are starting a bit late and therefore you can’t seem to address many of the issues you'd intended to discuss & if it would be possible to reschedule at a more convenient slot, be it a morning session or 30 mins later etc.... See how she responds and reply accordingly (mentioning feelings etc). But yes, best avoid being confrontational!

[mcl6136]

Starting late, if it happens repeatedly, is cheating you.
Being confrontational doesn't have to be "being angry." Confronting things directly can be done in a neutral, inquisitive way.
What IS getting in your way, it seems to me, is your tendency to "mind-read" and jump to conclusions about these incidents being a referendum on your relationship with your therapist.

I do this ALL THE TIME. I take EVERYTHING personally. and it does not serve me well.

Hang in there! Get what you need without burning this bridge!

[AnaWhitney]

Originally Posted by Ambra

I don't know how to tell her without sounding accusatory.
"T, I wanted to tell you this ringing and then starting late for 7 times in a row makes me uncomfortable and is extremely frustrating. It makes me feel out of place. Can you please think about it and tell me what can be behind it? Do you feel bound to your promise that you'll stay but don't feel like it anymore? Do you think I'm ready, or is there anything of me that actually bugs you?"

Thanks..

I actually think this is perfect. It's not aggressive but it is very real.
And I think your reaction is totally acceptable. My T sometimes stays late with me as I'm her last client and I am very grateful, but it is her choice as it's her responsibility to end the session on time. I hope that she would not then make a habit of cutting me short to take back her time (this is how it would feel to me) This would be awful and if it happened I think my mind would work very similar to yours right now. (Except I'd prob be too cowardly to actually say anything)
Your T does need to hear what you have to say about all of this though, because she is being very unfair to you and it gives her chance to sort herself out.
And if she doesn't, just think, that Mr perfect interesting session guy might be on the other side of the door in a few months time when he becomes boring

I would be upset too, if I was in the same situation as you. Even though my T has given me extra time often, when there's no other client after.

I have similar feelings of jealousy - feeling like a child jealous of their sibling - because someone I care about will likely start seeing the same T as me, and I know they will consistently need extra time due to their symptoms.

That is despite being grateful for all the extra time I get.

I rush to session from work too, with a long commute, so I sometimes feel irritated that she chimes me in late, on a consistent basis. It makes me feel like maybe she dislikes me and dreads our appointments and only gives me extra time because I'm being needy and subconsciously manipulative. Though I know I'm likely not the only one getting extra time too.

I really hope you can bring up your feelings to your therapist. Being shortchanged is unfair to you, and having to leave work abruptly, only to have to consistently wait sounds frustrating and stressful.

[Ambra]

thank you to everyone for being supportive and understanding and for your advice!
I was trying to figure out what to say next time, and how I want to say it.
So I would like T to understand that It's not merely about time and I don't mean to be strict: she CAN be late and that's ok, and that I just want to point out what seems more a trend/patten right now and not just "being a bit late at times" anymore which really, has always been ok and will always be. It happened to the both of us and I never bothered at all as it wasn't made a habit and she made up for it in so many ways. But this is something else. I think this is the most difficult part: to make T understand the difference and say it hurts me but she can still be late.. like it happens (to everyone) occasionally. Ugh.

And so I plan to ask her if she is sure there are no problems with me (if I'm somehow toxic right now and if we can figure it out together) and tell her I do value our sessions and still want to go, but.. as long as they don't make me feel worse.

I really don't plan to be aggressive, but rather open-hearted. I'm just really scared. I am pretty sure I won't have the guts to say all this and if I do, that I won't get the message through.

Any kind of opinion about what I plan to say is welcome.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Being confrontational doesn't have to be "being angry." Confronting things directly can be done in a neutral, inquisitive way.

What IS getting in your way, it seems to me, is your tendency to "mind-read" and jump to conclusions about these incidents being a referendum on your relationship with your therapist.

Sigh, you're right. I realize it yet I do it all the time..

[AnaWhitney]

Thinking of you...let us know how it goes

[Ambra]

Hi, just a quick update.. I'm still processing last session. it went well, though i was in a crisis plus arrived late myself this time, not because I wanted but due to a broken train :/ so t waited for me this time and I just focused on my crisis. Next time is last session and I made up my mind about bringing up the topic. I'll tell her how I've felt during these sessions that were meant to touch base during her leave. and I will also have to talk about some huge things happening in the next 3 days. I feel quite detached though as I'm so busy and traveling for work and can't sit for a minute and grieve/ think about anything. I just fear I'll start processing all the things I couldn't say now from next week, after this huge event. And by then she'll be already gone.