[LazarusLong]

I have an enormous amount of shame/grief about a sexual fantasy. I believe it to be a major player in my self-hatred and depression. In very general terms, I have discussed this with T of two years and told her that I fear she will terminate our relationship if I tell her. I have not been comforted by her vague reassurances (I had expected something along the lines "You'd be surprised by what I (T) hear"; what I got was that she would not judge me. How can a normal person not judge me?

Fearfully,

Lazarus

[Leah123]

Therapists are normal people, but specially trained to be open to diverse experiences and focus on understanding, caring and helping, not wasting time and energy on judgment.

I believe her saying she won't judge is a key reassurance, whereas her saying "you'd be surprised what I hear" leaves a lot of room for what you say to be "better, worse, less or more shocking." The point is... to her it's all relatively similar- she doesn't judge.

Since you're still fearful and her reassurance may not have been clear enough for you, perhaps you could just ask her: "If I tell you a sexual fantasy that I think is really disturbing, would you terminate our relationship if you found it too upsetting or disgusting." (Or fill in your choice of adjectives.) Or ask her how exactly she'd work through hearing something like that from you. My therapist has been very open and clear that we could work through any sexual material, including erotic transference and other specific uncomfortable scenarios. That was really relieving to me.

[LazarusLong]

Thank you Leah123. I may simply ask the question more directly and see how it goes.

I had a therapist tell me he does judge, but he keeps it to himself so hopefully they hide their disgust of us well.

It's hard when we're judgemental to not belief another understands rather than judges. But they do exist.