[scorpiosis37]

Back in July, I posted about my therapist going on an unexpected medical leave for an unknown condition. It's been 7 weeks now, and I still don't know anything more than I did back in July. She promised previously to send an update by the end of August, but she didn't. So, feeling like I just couldn't take the not knowing anymore, I e-mailed her on Monday, told her I cared about her and hoped she was recovering, and asked if she was able to give me any more information on whether or not she was returning. I said it was difficult for me to know what to do in regards to therapy without knowing whether my therapist is coming back. I didn't say this to her, but it's also hard to know what to think of the relationship I had with her for 5 years, which I thought was extremely loving, special, and two-sided. She told me so many times that she would be a part of my life, in some form or another, forever, and that even if therapy ended in the future, we could still be in some form of contact. But, I sent the check-in email on Monday-- it is now Saturday-- and she has not responded. And, like I said in my previous posts, she left without giving me the referrals I asked for and is not following through on keeping me apprised of the situation. So I started freaking out-- like maybe she died-- so I started googling her to see if anything popped up, like maybe an obituary. Nothing like that did pop up, but I did find out that she took her name off her business website. She is still the owner of her practice, but she is no longer listed as a therapist who works there. Her linked in says she is no longer a therapist. She is a "writer and business owner." She ran a 10k in early August. She SAID on her FB a week ago that she was leaving fb, and then updated her picture last night. So she is not dead and clearly has Internet access. And I feel like a crazy person for googling her because I have never been the kind of client who does that. I really DON'T want to know stuff about her from any outside source, but I had literally convinced myself she must be dead-- so that's why I looked. Now, I'm just hurt that she has chosen not to respond to me. I'm also freaking out that she is never coming back. I mean, why else would she take herself off her website? She didn't say "on medical leave"'or "temporarily unavailable"--- she deleted her entire profile from her own website and then changed her linked in as well. So is that sure fire evidence that she is gone for good? Because she promised that she would let me (and all other clients) know ASAP when she knew what her situation was. I don't know if I should wait a few more days and then try texting her? Just to ask if she got the email and see if she replies? I don't want to bother her, but I'm going nuts being in limbo. And she is the one who told me that I could write anytime and she would respond. I have no idea what her condition is or how sick she is or what she is going through emotionally-- so I really don't want to bother her or make things worse for her. But I'm in a really bad place, and the worst part is the not knowing. I don't know if I should just be patient and wait to hear from her, assuming she will come back eventually, or grieving the loss of, quite honestly, the most important relationship in my life at this moment, and moving on. I don't know if I should go back to the random therapist who is just okay, but who I don't connect with, or put effort into continuing to look for a new therapist who I WILL connect with. I don't even know if I have the energy for that! I don't know if I should feel bad for my therapist, because she is sick in a hospital somewhere getting treatment and unable to handle responding to anyone-- or if I should be angry because she is doing so many things online and with other people, but actively choosing to ignore me. I spend so much time crying and worrying about this. I'm not being productive at work right now, I'm not feeling like spending time with other people (but have been forcing myself to do so and put on a fake smile), and I feel like my life is falling apart.

Is the email you used a work-related email? If is, so might not be checking it regularly if she is no longer in practice. You might try calling her office and inquiring that way since it sounds like there are other therapists/workers at her practice? They might be able to give you some information or get a message to her more directly.

[scorpiosis37]

I have 2 email addresses for her. I used the one that I *think* is her personal email. She does have other therapists who work there, but the way to contact them is to email them directly. I doubt they would tell me anything; they would probably just tell me to wait to her from her directly. There is no administrative person or central phone number. I think the fastest way to get a response would be to text her; I'm just nervous about being seen as "intrusive." I mean, she told me I could always email or text; I'm just starting to feel like those were empty invitations.

[Lauliza]

From all you've said about her in older posts this behavior sounds so out of character for your T. My instinctive thought is that the emails aren't getting through to her or the account is closed. I second Lola that you might try calling. I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now.

[musinglizzy]

I'm so sorry...I would feel so bad in your situation. Medical leave...yet she ran a 10K? Taking herself off the website....that seems odd.... IMO, you've waited around long enough and not heard anything. If she is choosing not to practice, you should "be allowed" to know that so you can start looking for a new T instead of waiting around for her. I'd text her.....definitely. And Email the second Email address you have.

[Myrto]

I'm super sorry. No wonder you're freaking out.
Even your therapist who you seemed so close to, so fond of, who seemed so great, may not be? I'm rather desillusioned about therapy myself so this just adds more to my conviction that therapists can't be trusted. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

I hope she'll respond soon. Maybe her illness is more serious than she thought and she is being overwhelmed hence why she hasn't answered your email yet.
I completely get that you don't want to intrude and seem selfish all the while being worried -and rightly so- about the whole relationship. That's a really painful situation to be in.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I'm so sorry...I would feel so bad in your situation. Medical leave...yet she ran a 10K? Taking herself off the website....that seems odd.... IMO, you've waited around long enough and not heard anything. If she is choosing not to practice, you should "be allowed" to know that so you can start looking for a new T instead of waiting around for her. I'd text her.....definitely. And Email the second Email address you have.

Thank-you. Do you think I should wait until Monday, a business day, to text her?

[musinglizzy]

I wouldn't wait. Look how long you've been patient already! You Emailed her Monday you said? You gave her ALL last week to let you know what's going on.... you could be spending this time finding a new T if you knew she wasn't returning (and the change on websites would have me concerned about that). If it were me in your situation, I'd text her now. She can choose to wait till Monday to respond. You've waited so long already....

Sorry she hasn't responded, Scorpiosis. She's always been such a loving, consistent presence in your life, but I do know that serious/life threatening illnesses can do strange things to people and how they handle their life following the diagnosis. It can be a difficult and unsettling wake up call about how you want to handle the rest of your life. I'm not saying that's what's going on with your therapist, but it's a possibility.

I think it's fine if you call or text or email her as a follow up to your email asking for an update. It's the least that she owes you after she promised to stay in contact when and if you contacted her during her sick leave. If she's decided to not continue practicing, you deserve to know this so you can go on with your life in regard to your own therapy. The sooner she gives you some indication the direction she's going, the sooner you get to move on.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Sounds like she's had some kind of burnout / breakdown, honestly. (She may not have, that's just what I surmise from what you've described.)

She's obviously physically fit enough to go running around. And has enough presence of mind to update her website, and frankly, if she can update a website, she can email her clients who are left waiting.

This must be very painful for you, but I'd say this constitutes abandonment. I think you should move on.

After five years, just upping and leaving without so much as a proper goodbye? That's incredibly messed up. I would even consider that worthy of a complaint, thought it may not come to anything if she's decided to throw in the towel and run 5ks and update Facebook instead of being a therapist.

About the 10K . . . that was early August and it is possible that was her last hurrah before treatment. Once treatment begins, if this is cancer she is dealing with, patients can go from feeling actually rather normal prior to treatment to feeling quite miserably ill and weak within a matter of days. I wanted to mention that because several people have taken that fact that she ran in early August as some sign that she isn't as ill as she says. I disagree with that having seen people go through this many times. She can also just be feeling so lousy at this point that even trying to get on to her computer is just not in her range of focus right now.

All you can do, barring getting possible information through her workplace, is give her the space to deal with her own illness. When she is up and able to respond, I'm sure she will, but right now she may very well not be in any position to think about much but her own health. These medical problems can completely dominate one's life.

[nottrustin]

I would text her. I would mention that she is no longer on the business website so you wanted to check in to see what to do next. Ask her if she just needs more time off or if she has decided she needed to have a career change. That way you can decide what to do next.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree that you should try texting her today. I really hope she responds with something. Keep us updated!

[Rive.]

I was thinking about you and wondering what was happening... I am sorry to see T has not delivered on her words/promises.

One point I will pick up from what you wrote is that it’s okay to *both* feel sympathy for your T (for whatever she is going through & we don't know what her 'head space' is like atm) and be angry from her radio silence, so to speak.

I think the best thing might be to text her or simply call her and end the misery... This way, whatever her response (whether she’s coming back or not etc), you’d know for sure. I wouldn’t call this intrusive as she did say you could contact her and she’d get back to you. Problem is, she isn’t getting back to you...

I know the agony of waiting and how horrible it is to dangle with the uncertainty of what is going on. So, my advice would be to just pluck up your courage and call her.

Can you contact her on Mon?

[Crescent Moon]

I'd call the office she has worked out of and tell them you are a client of hers, and that she said she was going on leave and would let you know end of August what to expect. I'd just ask for an update so you can decide what kind of plans you may need to make.

[SkyscraperMeow]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

About the 10K . . . that was early August and it is possible that was her last hurrah before treatment. Once treatment begins, if this is cancer she is dealing with, patients can go from feeling actually rather normal prior to treatment to feeling quite miserably ill and weak within a matter of days. I wanted to mention that because several people have taken that fact that she ran in early August as some sign that she isn't as ill as she says. I disagree with that having seen people go through this many times. She can also just be feeling so lousy at this point that even trying to get on to her computer is just not in her range of focus right now.

All you can do, barring getting possible information through her workplace, is give her the space to deal with her own illness. When she is up and able to respond, I'm sure she will, but right now she may very well not be in any position to think about much but her own health. These medical problems can completely dominate one's life.

One of a therapist's core responsibilities is to provide consistent care to clients. If, for any reason they cannot do that (like as in your example, having to undergo cancer treatment) they should notify and refer clients out. Not put their clients on hold, go out, do 5k runs, take their info off their website, and just leave everyone hanging.

Cancer treatment can be long and protracted (if that's what we're assuming this is) how long is the client supposed to wait? It could be a year or more!

Therapists are free to take time out to deal with medical problems. They're not free to leave people hanging in the wind until such time as they feel like addressing the issue. The whole paradigm of therapy is that one needs to be able to depend on the therapist. If the therapist suddenly becomes inconsistent, that can and will set most clients back.

I feel like the advice you've given would be really sound if we were talking about what to do if a friend is ill, or someone who you were in business with. It's not applicable to the therapy relationship though.

If a therapist is too ill to communicate what is happening to clients, then those clients need to be referred on. Period. The client is not beholden to patiently wait for the therapist to feel like getting in touch.

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I feel like the advice you've given would be really sound if we were talking about what to do if a friend is ill, or someone who you were in business with. It's not applicable to the therapy relationship though.

If a therapist is too ill to communicate what is happening to clients, then those clients need to be referred on. Period. The client is not beholden to patiently wait for the therapist to feel like getting in touch.

You've missed my point somewhat. My point is that the T probably didn't go into this with a real idea of how this might affect her ability to do even the simplest tasks like answering her emails. Her intentions seemed to be very good to keep in touch and do exactly what you are saying from what the OP said, but the reality is that she may have over-estimated that ability and under-estimated exactly how sick she would actually be feeling.

It isn't about being "beholden" to wait. That's not what I said at all. What I said is that there is probably not much more the OP CAN do at this point if she can't get information from the T's office BUT wait if her T is physically that unwell at this moment. Like it or not, if her T is that unwell, she can text and email everyday if she wants, but until her T is able, she probably will just have to wait.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I have 2 email addresses for her. I used the one that I *think* is her personal email. She does have other therapists who work there, but the way to contact them is to email them directly. I doubt they would tell me anything; they would probably just tell me to wait to her from her directly. There is no administrative person or central phone number. I think the fastest way to get a response would be to text her; I'm just nervous about being seen as "intrusive." I mean, she told me I could always email or text; I'm just starting to feel like those were empty invitations.

I would call or text her. If you don't hear, I'd contact the other therapists. You don't know what the others will say until you contact them. She has abandoned her responsibility, and they owe you answers. Assuming you're cordial as you are here, there's nothing intrusive about it.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

About the 10K . . . that was early August and it is possible that was her last hurrah before treatment. Once treatment begins, if this is cancer she is dealing with, patients can go from feeling actually rather normal prior to treatment to feeling quite miserably ill and weak within a matter of days. I wanted to mention that because several people have taken that fact that she ran in early August as some sign that she isn't as ill as she says. I disagree with that having seen people go through this many times. She can also just be feeling so lousy at this point that even trying to get on to her computer is just not in her range of focus right now.

All you can do, barring getting possible information through her workplace, is give her the space to deal with her own illness. When she is up and able to respond, I'm sure she will, but right now she may very well not be in any position to think about much but her own health. These medical problems can completely dominate one's life.

I agree with you that she may have been physically doing well in early August and that her health may have declined since then. I do, however, know that she does NOT have cancer. Or, at least, during our last session, she told me that she had been tested for cancer and the test was negative and that they were next going to test her for MS (which my mom has, and which I myself have been tested for). I do not know whether she turned out to have MS, or something else, or whether she STILL does not know what she has. The only other thing I know is that she and I have a mutual acquaintance who saw her within the last week, walking around looking-- at least from the outside-- normal. The acquaintance knows that I am a client, so I would never put her in the position of "pumping her" for information. She only told me that she has been in contact with T and saw T looking very much alive recently. She told me that to let me know that my T was not dead. She also seemed very surprised that T was not in touch with me, but didn't say anything more about it. And I didn't ask. I get the impression that, while I'm sure T DOES have a serious medical condition, the reason she is not in touch with me is psychological. She is probably having difficult accepting her condition and wants to spend time with family/friends, and doesn't really want to think about or deal with her practice. I get that. But I am inclined to feel like how Skyscraper Meow does.

I think that she had a responsibility to give me the referrals she promised in July. She didn't do that in July, BEFORE leaving the practice. The sexual assault referral was promised 2 weeks before she found out (suddenly) she was sick, so she really had no excuse not to follow through with that. Even if she herself could not make the referrals, she has a team of 5 therapists who work under her that she could have pawned off that responsibility to. She chose not to. Since I know she is online (changing her website, changing her linked in, updating her fb), if she doesn't want to "deal with" clients, she could put an automatic message on her e-mail alerting clients to what is going on or how long she will be away from e-mail-- or even just "I am away and not reading e-mail". That is what I do with my work e-mail when I am on vacation or ill. She could also have asked the therapists who work under her to notify clients that she will be away longer than expected, or that she is not coming back, or whatever the situation may be. The absolute radio silence is what is DRIVING ME NUTS. Especially when she promised to refer me, promised to update me, and promised to be in touch and respond to me. In our very last session (which I didn't know would be our last session until I got there), I told her that my biggest concern was not knowing what was going to happen, if she was going to ultimately be okay or not, if would be returning, if I would ever see her again, etc. I told her that the not knowing would be a HUGE thing for me. She said "well, you can always e-mail or text, and I will always respond and let you know." I really do think that, if she has realized that is too much for her, she owes it to me to let me know that and let me know that she can no longer do so-- rather than just fall off the face of the earth. And, like I said, if she can't be the one to let me know herself, she has a network of other therapists/friends/family who she could ask to step in and let me (and other clients) know that information.

Anyway, I realized that it is actually Labor Day weekend, so I've decided that I won't disturb her while is probably having a holiday with her family. So, I will text her on Tuesday and see if she responds.

Hopefully you can get some answers by contacting the practice itself. Let them know you have tried contacting her about your needed referrals but she has not responded. They might at least be able to help you with the names of some therapists in the area to check into.

In the event she doesn't get those referrals to you, do you use insurance for your therapy? If so, you might start with your insurance list? Not a good situation whatever the scenario. I hope you'll be able to find a therapist to continue working with.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Hopefully you can get some answers by contacting the practice itself. Let them know you have tried contacting her about your needed referrals but she has not responded. They might at least be able to help you with the names of some therapists in the area to check into.

In the event she doesn't get those referrals to you, do you use insurance for your therapy? If so, you might start with your insurance list? Not a good situation whatever the scenario. I hope you'll be able to find a therapist to continue working with.

Knowing that I at least needed a temporary therapist, I have spent the last 6 weeks actively looking for a therapist to see (I wrote about it in previous posts). I have contacted over 30 therapists and had some horrible experiences. I have found a woman who is "okay" for a temporary situation (but no connection and she doesn't take my insurance), but if I need to find a permanent therapist, I will have to go back to the drawing board. Again.

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Knowing that I at least needed a temporary therapist, I have spent the last 6 weeks actively looking for a therapist to see (I wrote about it in previous posts). I have contacted over 30 therapists and had some horrible experiences. I have found a woman who is "okay" for a temporary situation (but no connection and she doesn't take my insurance), but if I need to find a permanent therapist, I will have to go back to the drawing board. Again.

Yes, it's not fun. I've never had referrals to work from because there was always either a geographic change so my therapists didn't have any knowledge of therapists in the area or who they would have recommended wouldn't have been on my insurance list anyway, so it would have been a no-go. I've always just had to go with my insurance list and work with it because there is no way I could afford therapy out of pocket.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Yes, it's not fun. I've never had referrals to work from because there was always either a geographic change so my therapists didn't have any knowledge of therapists in the area or who they would have recommended wouldn't have been on my insurance list anyway, so it would have been a no-go. I've always just had to go with my insurance list and work with it because there is no way I could afford therapy out of pocket.

Yeah, I started with my insurance list and with a list of T's on psychology today who take my insurance but none of them were able or willing to see me so now I only have people to choose from who do NOT take my insurance. And even those people I don't really like! Not to mention I can't afford to pay weekly out of pocket either, so I haven't yet figured out what I'm going to do! I can afford to pay out of pocket temporarily, but if my T is not coming back, I need to find someone else. That's why it's so hard to move on! If I knew she was not coming back I would immediately stop seeing the "okay" T and begin the search for someone better and stop wasting my money on "okay" T. But I don't want to stop seeing "okay" T without any other plan in place because I am not doing well and am afraid of being without any options. I am also SO busy with work and find the process of searching so emotionally draining that I don't want to put myself through that again unless I absolutely have to. Hearing so many rejections from T's in the last weeks has been pretty damaging when I'm already feeling fragile.

[spring2014]

oh my gosh,
I feel bad for you !!! your therapist should have the common decency to notify you when she will be back from medical leave or not returning to the office . that is very unethical and unprofessional conduct of a counselor not letting her clients know when she will return to the office. I asked one my old old therapist if I can come back to see her again .but she told me that she can't handle the clients that she was working with her and she went on medical leave of absence cuz she was and still ill . so I ended up w my therapist that have now . im happy with my therapist .





Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds a: Cymbalta 60 mgs at night
Vistaril 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia

[Texansfan]

This must happen more than we would like to believe. It happened to me just last month. No idea when T is returning, no referrals, and he is not in a group. T know their responsibility and it is difficult when they don't help you plan for a temporary situation. Sorry this is happening. Very difficult.