a little effort means alot...

when you are already so broken. so alone.

when u r already fighting a battle within yourself.

when it seems the world is against you.

and you r trying so hard to hold on to something , for a reason to stay.

when u r trying to untangle yourself from the mess you have walked into.

when everything seems pitch black...you see a spark...just maybe...maybe i will make it.

that spark right now is flickering. i am breaking. i am hurt. i am scared.

i feel alone in my own darkness, once again.

i hate it. i dont want to be here. i dont want to feel this way.

the lack of control, this anger, hopelessness, is driving me insane.

Trigger warning :





I havent SI'ed in 15 years...yet today i felt so alone and was so mad..that i wanted to . i didnt though. but the thought was so appealing that it scared me.

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spark is my T. my T chose to ignore me today. He read my email and didnt reply. i didnt ask for reply. he just usually acknowledges that he received it. and thats all i needed. an acknowledgement. but for some reason he deemed it un-necessary at this time around.

he had given me homework, which was emotionally draining and brought back intense painful memories.
i acted out at home with my family due to these flashbacks. i sent T an email , very short one...got nothing back. i know he read it. it sent me over the edge. everthing just came tumbling down. it crashed badly.
i cried n cried.
i lashed out at my husband...who is now angry at me...and screaming.

i know its a lot of put on T...to acknowledge receiving an email...but thats all i have/had. thats my lifeline.

T knows it and for whatever stupid reason...he chose to not reply. i know there are tens of reasons like he didnt read the email thus didnt reply. but i know he read the email factly .

why cant things be simple and straightforward in T.?

Can you reach out to him by text or phone? There have been times when my therapist thought he had replied but it hasn't gone through. I always feel like technology an let us down, badly! Another time something had happened to his phone before he'd had a chance to reply.

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I know how something like that can really hurt when you are down.

i have never called neither texted. he has never mentioned it either.

it was such a small thing...but it really tipped me over the edge...felt like all the walls were closing on me...and i just snapped at my husband.
now things have taken a turn for the worst.

just i was already in a bad shape ...so took things to extreme, personally .

any other circumstances i would nt mind at all if T didnt reply. just today it was really needed. he had no way of knowing it ofcourse.

nowi have to deal with the mess i created at home.

thats how I feel too stormyclouds but my therapist answers my email by calling me on the phone . she calls me when she at another location cuz she has access to her voice mail messages from another location or the receptionist email her w my message . my therapist calls from the office or a private line . I know cuz it goes to my cellphone not my home phone .











Diagnosis: Anxiety and depression
meds : Cymbalta 90 mgs at night
Vistrail 2 25 mgs daily for anxiety prn
50 mgs at night for insomnia

Take it one step at a time Stormyclouds: when are you seeing T? I would tell him what happened (i.e. you were in a bad place due to homework etc. and tried to reach out to him & how not hearing back made you feel). Then you can check directly from T what is what, so to speak.

Just gently querying how you definitely “know” he read it? I don’t need an answer just saying, give him the benefit of the doubt until you see him next and discuss in person.

If possible, could you book another appointment with T (if your next one is far apart)?

I have felt similar when my T has not replied to my email. I have talked to her about it but a couple weeks ago she didn't respond to one of my emails and it really hurt. Could you email your T again and ask him to reply to your email and let him know how bad things are right now?

I totally get it, Stormyclouds. How are you doing today??

how do you know its bad enough to call?
it maybe a nuisance to him.

it would have been nice if he would have been clear how available he is outside of sessions. he mentioned nothing. when to call...emails i do..just one liners regarding appts. never anything major. and he acknowledges that he has received them.

i dont have the strength to email/call him ...

I still feel the gravity just pulling me down...i walk like i am carrying the burden of the world in my chest...it still feels like i am fighting against the world all alone, i have no one on my side. if everyone believes in the lies spread about me...then they just might be true. i dont know if i am wrong...or its those around me. i maybe in the grey area ...but i am not seeing anything yet..right now its all black n white.
do i give in?
do i fight?
whats the middle ground there?
why havent i implemented it yet.
why is Therapy so slow in helping me figure this out?
(okay i got the answer its slow so it doesnt create havoc in my life..like it just did yesterday with the difficult homework /fight with spouse/lack of response from T just pushing me over the edge)

Don't give in. Fight fight fight. Maybe T let you down but don't let you down. I would still call and find out. You sound as if you could do with a helping hand. So that, imo, would warrant getting in touch with T if you need it.

Also when you see him, do clarify re out of hours contact etc if he wasn't clear about it before.

I think it's bad enough to call when you say this:

You deserve proper support. So take a load off and call for help. And maybe you can also ask T what his out of session contact rules are, too, to help you get rid of some of your worries. I know making the call for help is scary and hard, but if doing it will make you lighter and give you some relief, it's so worth it.

[QUOTE=Stormyclouds;4688294]how do you know its bad enough to call?
it maybe a nuisance to him.

From my experience, when you ask yourself this question then its time to call. You will feel better. It also would make you feel better to ask your T how he likes out of session contact to be.