[PinkFlamingo99]

Hey everyone,

Things are still hard but I think I'm doing a bit better. I haven't hurt myself since that last really bad one at the end of August. It's been a bit over 6 weeks and I'm still having a lot of pain from it. The scar stretches from my wrist to my elbow and pulls everytime I stretch or move my arm. I'm supposed to let myself feel bad about the fact that I'm in pain and not say "my fault," or "I did it to myself," which is hard because I've stifled and self-blamed my whole life.

Possible trigger:

I tried to go to two different pharmacies for razor blades yesterday and both were out. I was going to try again today, but the feeling has passed for now. I have such strong urges to destroy myself.

One good thing about being a bit safer is that we've actually started working on things other than just keeping me safe all the time. Mostly my self-hatred and self-blame but also the social anxiety and paranoia that people hate me or are talking about me. I even told her last week that I'm afraid she judges me for being ugly because she's so pretty, which was really hard to say. But that's such a huge issue for me, and it feeds into so much of my social anxiety.

She also said she's not going anywhere and it doesn't matter if it takes me 5 years to get better, we'll work through it. Which was a huge relief because I kept getting worried about getting cut off soon (public system, so they can basically force you out at any time and usually there is a time limit).

I'm still struggling with a lot of things about my ex-T. I am able to be angry a bit, which helps. Sometimes, in moments of weakness, I want to call her and tell her I miss her snd forgive her, and I don't understand why she loved me for 5 yrs and then stopped. It hurts so badly. It hurts how she did it, it hurts that after so much time of being so much in my life, she ended it in a way that was a cop-out and that hurt me even worse. It hurts that she didn't even care about my safety. But I have to find a way to stop letting this hurt so much.

[Daystrom]

Stay safe, Pink. We care about you.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Daystrom

Stay safe, Pink. We care about you.

What Daystrom said.

Glad you're able to do some work on other areas, too.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am glad things are kinda getting better for you. I am proud of you that you have been clean for 6 weeks. That shows strength. Please stay safe. I am sending you positive vibes and hugs if you want them.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Thanks so much everyone!

[divine1966]

Glad you doing better

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[PinkFlamingo99]

Thank you!

I read your updates and am glad you're doing better.

I hope you will be able to keep healing and working through your pain.

Please take care. Self compassion can be incredibly difficult, but you definitely do deserve compassion.