[scarcejoy]

Hi,
I feel really guilty about lying about a delicate topic to my therapist. I lied about my suicidal thoughts. 3 months ago, I told my t about my suicidal thoughts. She was genuinely worried and made me feel really safe. But then she asked me about those thoughts 3 other separate times. In those 3 times that my t asked me, I lied and said that I wasn't having suicidal thoughts when I really was thinking about that. I am still having suicidal thoughts. I never actually made a plan. I just think about being gone and liberating myself from my unbearable depression, loneliness, and sadness. Now, this guilt has started to take over my thoughts and I feel that need to talk about this with my t. I am afraid that by telling my t about this, it might damage our trust. I don't want that to happen. My therapist and I have a great therapeutic relationship and she's my role model. I am afraid that something negative might come out of this.

I lied to T about my suicidial thoughts. When I finally told him, he thanked me for sharing and told me how much he valued that I trusted him enough to tell him. He said it is pretty normal to keep some things secret until we feel safe.

I hope you are able to feel better about both the thoughts and not disclosing soon.

[JaneTennison1]

If you have a great relationship then it can withstand the truth. You won't ruin it, even if she reacts badly, you didn't ruin it. Tell her the truth and work together to improve things.

[Argonautomobile]

Hi Scarce. Sorry you're having this difficulty and hope things get better for you soon.

If it makes you feel any better, T's are very used to being lied to in general and about this topic specifically (people, myself included, often come to therapy with the worry that any suicidal ideation will have the therapist pushing a secret panic button that alerts the nice men in white uniforms to come take you to the loony bin.)

If the guilt is bothering you that much, you can tell her you lied, either spontaneously or if she asks again about suicidal ideation. I don't think it will damage your relationship. Therapy is supposed to be safe--you're not supposed to be judged or looked at with suspicion for anything you say. Whether or not you tell her you lied, if you are still having those thoughts I think you should tell her. They're normal when you're in a lot of pain, but have a tendency to fester if kept shrouded in silence.

On a more personal note, I have lied to my T PLENTY, about this subject and others, and he never held it against me.

Hang in there!

[nottrustin]

It is pretty common for people not to be honest about this out of fear. I would start by asking her how she handles people who are suicidal. Find out how it works if you have a plan vs passive idealization. Many therapists mine included would want you to keep in close contact and develop a safety plan if there is no intent. I wouldn't be too concerned about her bring upset because you lied.. Mine doesn't see it as lying just needing to feel safe.