Can You Relate? How Do You Heal?

I post stuff like this on the Couch, occasionally. I figure it belongs here.

I have been spinning with high anxiety and depression for the last month since my brother said some hurtful things to me. It unexpectedly made childhood memories pour out. I guess they call it an emotional flashback. I kept in touch with T. It felt like the only way to stand it was to continually put myself to sleep.

There is no more happiness, no joking, no laughing...anymore.

My anxiety has mostly settled down now. T wants me to write about "sad" and grieve. Now I feel sad, but disconnected. Nothing is pouring out anymore. I agree with T that I want to examine the childhood abuse because, at age 60, I'm tired of feeling hostage to it anymore.

I was telling T that I feel sad about childhood abuse, my college failures, my marriage failures, my work failures, my therapy failures... T said they are not *my* failures. That was generous of her but makes me ask, "What, then, am I responsible for?"

Anyway, can anyone relate to my emotional meltdown- then shutting down?
How do you heal?
Therapy today.
Ugh.

I can definitely relate. I think the shutting down after an emotional retraumatisation is natural and to be expected. It is a familiar and reliable coping mechanism, a survival mechanism from childhood (at least that's how it seems for me). I think the only way to work through it is tentatively and in a safe space, like therapy. Trust your instincts, when the material is ready to emerge, let it, but if it feels too soon it probably is. Give yourself time, patience and be kind to yourself.

I can relate. I'm in the same "sad" place right now, with the instructions from T to write about the 'sad'. I can't. I feel it, and then I shut down and I shut her out. I feel very apathetic yet very sad. However, I don't have words. I just don't care but I want to care. I'm not sure how one heals from it as I'm stuck in the emotional quick sand of it all right now. I just go and talk when I can, write when I can, even if it doesn't make sense I just free write and see where it goes, when I have the energy to write, that is. All I can offer is and understanding. I hope you can find your way out of it soon.

Ugh, i can relate. Ive read your posts about your brother(s). Im trying to recuperate from my brothers phone call last night. I think we were pretty strong little girls to have survived their constant putdowns back in the day. Now yes they do suck the joy out of any day they appear in. I am counting down the days til my mothers estate is settled and i can go back to no contact again. We SHOULD have better relationships with these siblings - but after being treated like humans by our ts, i just dont know where they get off talking to us the way they do. I dont even want to confront him. Maybe if i say, "are you trying to be nice?" That might give him a chance to redeem himself, give him a hint as to how he is coming across. Idk. cuz he makes me want to run away.

The pouring will come later, when you are ready.

It doesn't happen all at once. It has taken me a really long time to even start the grieving process for my mother. I started a poem about six months ago focusing on a small, but important moment that I remember with her. I just finished a draft of the poem this week.

Start small, and don't pressure yourself. Maybe just think about small, but significant moment. Maybe something that show's your brother's character--it doesn't have to be about the trauma. Or maybe just explore some feelings you remember, or an object that had some significance. Just be patient with yourself, and remember that there is no wrong way to go about it. Letting go takes time, and it will not happen all at once.

Yes, T thinks so too. It's what I do...different issues can make my anxiety spin but I can only deal with it so long. T thinks it is a form of dissociation that I have used ever since I was small.

There was no emotional pouring today in therapy, either. I feel like it is what I need...but I can't will it to happen. I just feel sad. It's not the right time.

I'm sorry you are in the same sad place. :/
I'm doing what you are doing, writing and talking in therapy.
I have been thinking about getting my acoustic guitar fixed...playing and singing (in private) has helped me express feelings in the past.

I haven't played for twenty-five years. T and I discussed my shopping around for a new acoustic guitar ...I just hate to spend any money right now. But it wouldn't hurt to shop.

Omgosh...brothers! Are you the youngest? :/

"Now yes they do suck the joy out of any day they appear in."- You probably wrote this in all sincerity. I hope you don't mind that you made me laugh...cuz it's true! Ha

Sometimes I ask my brothers, "What did you say?" in the hopes that making them say it again makes them hear themselves.

T asked me which of my parents does brother#2 remind me of...and, omg, yes, he uses my dad's parenting style. He would hate realizing that. I had never thought of it before.

I'm sorry they make you feel like running away.

Thanks for this. I need to be more patient.

PrevT asked me to try to let go of expectations. - Because I just expected it to continue to pour out..and it's not happening that way. It's very confusing to me.

Thank you, you've given me a lot to think about. I write free verse or poems, too....mostly for myself...sometimes it helps me to communicate with T.

While I was reading your post, the realization occurred to me- that I am dealing with childhood memories at the same time I am still grieving my mother's illness and death...while I am in her home surrounded by her many many things...that I don't necessarily want or feel like I deserve....yet the thought of parting with them...or moving from the house sends me into bad places. This is tough. Maybe I'm overwhelmed, too.

I think the pain and awareness of the pain, is part of the healing.

Thanks for this. I have just the one older brother. Youre doing what Miss Manners advises when someone is rude: just keep repeating, "Excuse me?" I think that is great advice.

I did some hand sewing the other night after his call. It reminded me who i am. Then i talked my t's ear off the next day! My brother is just like his mother!

I really like what you wrote: 'that reminded me who I am'. I did something similar on a day that I had a really bad T hangover, and felt pretty low, I didn't do sewing, something else, I couldn't think of a way to explain why it helped.

I can relate. I just got a brief guilt-tripping text from a cousin and now I want to run away and go live in a bunker somewhere. Seemingly routine little interactions can be very triggering. I feel very exhausted by that sometimes.