[evenzarathustra]

Hi everyone, I am an on-and-off lurker around here but have never had the nerve to register. I'm somewhat ashamed of the depth of my feelings for my therapist and I guess on some level I worry that I'm indulging them by writing about him, but I could use some outside perspectives on this if anyone is willing to share.

I've been seeing my therapist for seven years, quite a long time. Lately I've been feeling almost totally consumed by the need to tell him that I love him, but I don't know where this is coming from and I'm not sure how to proceed. He almost certainly already knows even though I've never been explicit about it. We've talked around it several times. It's not romantic love but it's not exactly platonic either. I have a spouse who I'm 100% committed to so I feel guilty about these feelings, though intellectually I understand that it's normal and okay to be attached to someone who plays such an important part in my life. I just don't know what to say to him. I guess I want him to say it back to me, as on some level I can't believe that our relationship (such as it is) is "real" otherwise. I feel like he loves me (in an appropriate way) but I worry constantly that it's all in my head, and until it's concretized I can't stop obsessing about it. I think my biggest fear is that the people I feel close to (not just him) don't truly feel the same way about me, that my life is basically a huge delusion or fantasy. I struggle with anxiety about a lot of things but I always come back to this issue in particular. How embarrassing it would be to learn that the people I love see me as just another person in their lives.

I know there have been lots of discussions about love in therapy but I guess I'm just feeling weird and I'm trying hard not to email him about this. Would love to hear any thoughts or experiences from your own therapy.

[AllHeart]

Love can be felt so I'm sure your T does indeed know you love him. I worked up the nerve to broach the subject of love via email with my T several months ago. I asked her, "uhh, so what if I love you?" Her response was basically, "that would be great, because I love you, too." One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It was also one of the most courageous things I've ever done and that was enough progress to give me all kinds of hope.

I say if you are consumed by telling him you love him, you should to go ahead and let it out. He might return the I love you, he might not. The important thing to remember is that some T's have boundaries that do not allow them to say I love you to a client but it doesn't mean they don't want to. If you can feel the love, it's there. And if it isn't, you might find reward in having the courage to take the risk.

I was super nervous the first time I told t I love her. But I made myself do it anyway, because I was obsessing about it and knew I'd drive myself really crazy if I didn't. So I figured out a kind of sliding-in-sideways kind of way to say it. Shortly before this, we'd done some really deep work and I realized we'd unlocked that place inside me where I used to write my poetry from before I quit writing it and shut myself down. I started writing again, and was so happy to be writing poetry again, I used that and I said something like "You helped me unlock my writing, how can I not love you?" Since that time I've said it straight up of course but that first time was hard. She thanked me for being brave enough to tell her. I have the need to talk about my feelings for/about her on a pretty regular basis, and it's always been helpful for me to do so. Yes it's hard the first time, but for me, it's been very worth it in a lot of ways. It's helped me open up about some other stuff to her. The last time we talked about it, a couple weeks ago I think it was, she said something that meant a lot to me she said that therapeutic relationships work best when it is a loving relationship. That's certainly true with the one I have with her. I had two previous t's that I felt absolutely zero connection with and neither of them lasted at all. I quit them both one during the first appt and the 2nd one I just stopped going after about 6 months. The connection I have with current t has been such a healing one for me.

[CantExplain]

You're allowed to tell your T you love them, but it's not compulsory.

[ChipperMonkey]

7 years?

Why have you been with the same therapist for 7 years? The goal of therapy is to not need therapy, and if you haven't learned all that you possibly can from your therapist by now, I don't think you ever will. It doesn't seem like he's encouraging you to become self-sufficient or independent!

I think this "love" thing may be your clue that its time to move on. I'll never understand why this board is so supportive of dependency upon therapists. Independency is the goal, although therapists like to keep this fact a secret.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You're allowed to tell your T you love them, but it's not compulsory.

Yes, this. If you feel it would help you, do it. Just be prepared not to hear it back.

I don't love either of my therapists, but I have a hard time saying I love you to the people I do love, and the first time is always the hardest, so I empathize.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

7 years?

Why have you been with the same therapist for 7 years? The goal of therapy is to not need therapy, and if you haven't learned all that you possibly can from your therapist by now, I don't think you ever will. It doesn't seem like he's encouraging you to become self-sufficient or independent!

I think this "love" thing may be your clue that its time to move on. I'll never understand why this board is so supportive of dependency upon therapists. Independency is the goal, although therapists like to keep this fact a secret.

The goal of therapy is whatever the patient decides is the goal of therapy. For some people, that goal includes the continued support of the therapist. Other people have goals as dynamic as they themselves are; as they change, so do their goals, and hence therapy continues. Still others continue to go to therapy as a form of ongoing self-care. There are a variety of reasons one might be in therapy for seven years or seven months or seven weeks--none of them deserve your derision.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I was a nervous wreak the first time I told my T I loved her. She has only said it back once when I was in a crisis. T's are not supposed to tell clients that they love them. Please be prepared to not hear it back. You should tell him. I think its important to tell people you love them, even a therapist. I thought that telling my T I love her was crossing the line. She told me its good to express your feelings in therapy.

[junkDNA]

i saw my T 5 years before i told him i love him. i chose to do it in a text because it felt safer to me. he was very accepting of it and said he was touched. i tried to tell him it wasnt romantic or sexual. he said it was like love for a parent. i said yes. he didnt say it back and i dont believe i would like if it if he did....bc of my previous abusive therapist. sometimes i feel like maybe he loves me, sometimes not.

[iheartjacques]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

7 years?

Why have you been with the same therapist for 7 years? The goal of therapy is to not need therapy, and if you haven't learned all that you possibly can from your therapist by now, I don't think you ever will. It doesn't seem like he's encouraging you to become self-sufficient or independent!

I think this "love" thing may be your clue that its time to move on. I'll never understand why this board is so supportive of dependency upon therapists. Independency is the goal, although therapists like to keep this fact a secret.

Well thanks I've been in and out of therapy for the last 10 years!

[skeksi]

If you're up for it, I think the biggest risk, and possible the most productive, would be to broach the subject with your T. You feel love for hm, and it sounds like you also feel love from him, but the need to hear him say it seems worth exploring. Not because I think it's bad! Just because whenever I want something a specific way from T, there always seems to be a bigger reason for it.

Also, I have been seeing my T even longer than you. We all take as lo as we need to work out what we need to work out, and that doesn't mean that we are doing anything wrong. (Short version: I'm really messed up over things that happened to me and it's taking a long time to untangle, and that's okay!) so don't stress about the time.

[nicoleflynn]

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. We should never be ashamed of our feelings;I told my t years ago,that I loved him; we had very long talks about it.

[evenzarathustra]

Originally Posted by skeksi

If you're up for it, I think the biggest risk, and possible the most productive, would be to broach the subject with your T. You feel love for hm, and it sounds like you also feel love from him, but the need to hear him say it seems worth exploring. Not because I think it's bad! Just because whenever I want something a specific way from T, there always seems to be a bigger reason for it.

Also, I have been seeing my T even longer than you. We all take as lo as we need to work out what we need to work out, and that doesn't mean that we are doing anything wrong. (Short version: I'm really messed up over things that happened to me and it's taking a long time to untangle, and that's okay!) so don't stress about the time.

Thanks for this (both parts). I do need to hear him say it and I think it's worth exploring why that is. As for the time thing, I agree that we all take as long as we need. I would technically be 'fine' without therapy but I enjoy the process and find it worthwhile/helpful to talk with someone outside my normal life on an ongoing basis.

[evenzarathustra]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

Love can be felt so I'm sure your T does indeed know you love him. I worked up the nerve to broach the subject of love via email with my T several months ago. I asked her, "uhh, so what if I love you?" Her response was basically, "that would be great, because I love you, too." One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. It was also one of the most courageous things I've ever done and that was enough progress to give me all kinds of hope.

I say if you are consumed by telling him you love him, you should to go ahead and let it out. He might return the I love you, he might not. The important thing to remember is that some T's have boundaries that do not allow them to say I love you to a client but it doesn't mean they don't want to. If you can feel the love, it's there. And if it isn't, you might find reward in having the courage to take the risk.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know that he might not say it back, but I think that he might, if he feels it genuinely in that moment. He has talked about how there is a kind of love in the therapy relationship so I know he's not afraid to go there. I almost told him in this week's session and I think he knew it. I just couldn't bring myself to say it and then we ran out of time. Maybe next week...

[evenzarathustra]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

7 years?

Why have you been with the same therapist for 7 years? The goal of therapy is to not need therapy, and if you haven't learned all that you possibly can from your therapist by now, I don't think you ever will. It doesn't seem like he's encouraging you to become self-sufficient or independent!

I think this "love" thing may be your clue that its time to move on. I'll never understand why this board is so supportive of dependency upon therapists. Independency is the goal, although therapists like to keep this fact a secret.

I won't slam you for this; in fact I appreciate it on some level. I myself don't really 'need' therapy, in the sense that I can function fine without it, but I think it does help me to be a better person (friend, partner, etc.) and I find the process meaningful and worthwhile, especially when it's done with the same therapist over a long period. However, others need long-term therapy in a more acute way, and I don't think it's anyone's place to judge that, assuming the therapist behaves ethically and is not intentionally fostering unhealthy dependence.

Because it's easier than dealing with hating him?

[peaches100]

OK - imagine that a patient with heart disease or cancer or MS has been seeing their physician for the same amount of time. Would you say this??

7 years?

Why have you been with the same doctor for 7 years? The goal of seeing a doctor is to not need medical help, and if you haven't learned how to cure yourself by now, I don't think you ever will. It doesn't seem like he's encouraging you to become self-sufficient or independent!

This is the whole problem with the way the world sees mental and emotional illness. They don't accept it as a legitimate health issue that can require ongoing treatment to manage it. Most everybody would agree that it would be rude and just plain wrong to say the above words to somebody who was struggling with a serious physical illness. Saying it to someone struggling with mental and emotional problems is equally judgmental and unkind.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by evenzarathustra

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know that he might not say it back, but I think that he might, if he feels it genuinely in that moment. He has talked about how there is a kind of love in the therapy relationship so I know he's not afraid to go there. I almost told him in this week's session and I think he knew it. I just couldn't bring myself to say it and then we ran out of time. Maybe next week...

YEAH!! I'll be waiting for a report on how it went in the near future!!

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by peaches100

OK - imagine that a patient with heart disease or cancer or MS has been seeing their physician for the same amount of time. Would you say this??

7 years?

Why have you been with the same doctor for 7 years? The goal of seeing a doctor is to not need medical help, and if you haven't learned how to cure yourself by now, I don't think you ever will. It doesn't seem like he's encouraging you to become self-sufficient or independent!

This is the whole problem with the way the world sees mental and emotional illness. They don't accept it as a legitimate health issue that can require ongoing treatment to manage it. Most everybody would agree that it would be rude and just plain wrong to say the above words to somebody who was struggling with a serious physical illness. Saying it to someone struggling with mental and emotional problems is equally judgmental and unkind.

Exactly, thank you!! We can't know all of the circumstances surrounding OP's need (or anyone else that we do not know) for long-term therapy or what they have and haven't accomplished during that time with T. I know it's easy to make assumptions and vent our frustrations, but that is not supportive, nor is it fair to make the judgment. It took me decades to hit the bottom of the ****ter, and it's going to take me years to dig myself out of it with the help my t. Once I am dug out, I plan to still see a therapist on occasion for good measure--forever. It doesn't make me dependent on a t -- it simply gives me a life support.

Sorry for the highjack!

[evenzarathustra]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Because it's easier than dealing with hating him?

Haha. That does make me laugh, but it's worth thinking about.

[evenzarathustra]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

YEAH!! I'll be waiting for a report on how it went in the near future!!

I think I'm gonna go for it. I feel pretty confident that even if he doesn't say it back, he won't make me feel too bad about it, and it should provoke a good conversation at the very least. I'm sure I'll post an update to process things!

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

7 years?

Why have you been with the same therapist for 7 years? The goal of therapy is to not need therapy, and if you haven't learned all that you possibly can from your therapist by now, I don't think you ever will. It doesn't seem like he's encouraging you to become self-sufficient or independent!

I think this "love" thing may be your clue that its time to move on. I'll never understand why this board is so supportive of dependency upon therapists. Independency is the goal, although therapists like to keep this fact a secret.

This doesn't apply to everyone. When you have some kinds of trauma it can take a life time to recover. Some people will always need therapy. I might always "need" therapy and I'm a highly functioning person. And I put need in quotes because not all of us who need therapy can afford it, perhaps I cant always afford this luxury for myself, my life will go on but it won't be optimal.

I don't think loving your therapist is synonymous with dependency. I love my therapist but I live an independent life. I'm not sure how being emotionally dependent on a supportive other though is anything other than human. Most people are emotionally dependent on their family, if that's the case for you congratulations, your life will be much easier. Some of us aren't so fortunate and we end up in therapy. If we aren't sociopaths, it is impossible not to love a supportive other.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by evenzarathustra

Hi everyone, I am an on-and-off lurker around here but have never had the nerve to register. I'm somewhat ashamed of the depth of my feelings for my therapist and I guess on some level I worry that I'm indulging them by writing about him, but I could use some outside perspectives on this if anyone is willing to share.

I've been seeing my therapist for seven years, quite a long time. Lately I've been feeling almost totally consumed by the need to tell him that I love him, but I don't know where this is coming from and I'm not sure how to proceed. He almost certainly already knows even though I've never been explicit about it. We've talked around it several times. It's not romantic love but it's not exactly platonic either. I have a spouse who I'm 100% committed to so I feel guilty about these feelings, though intellectually I understand that it's normal and okay to be attached to someone who plays such an important part in my life. I just don't know what to say to him. I guess I want him to say it back to me, as on some level I can't believe that our relationship (such as it is) is "real" otherwise. I feel like he loves me (in an appropriate way) but I worry constantly that it's all in my head, and until it's concretized I can't stop obsessing about it. I think my biggest fear is that the people I feel close to (not just him) don't truly feel the same way about me, that my life is basically a huge delusion or fantasy. I struggle with anxiety about a lot of things but I always come back to this issue in particular. How embarrassing it would be to learn that the people I love see me as just another person in their lives.

I know there have been lots of discussions about love in therapy but I guess I'm just feeling weird and I'm trying hard not to email him about this. Would love to hear any thoughts or experiences from your own therapy.

I see a distinction between loving someone and being in love with someone (my own distinction, perhaps). I can love friends, family, etc. Being in love with someone connotes/suggests a romantic or sexual feeling. After losing a very close friend years ago, I began to tell people that I loved them (if that was how I felt). It seems important to me to tell people how I feel...life if too short and loving another shouldn't be about whether or not they can return the feeling or sentiment.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by evenzarathustra

Hi everyone, I am an on-and-off lurker around here but have never had the nerve to register. I'm somewhat ashamed of the depth of my feelings for my therapist and I guess on some level I worry that I'm indulging them by writing about him, but I could use some outside perspectives on this if anyone is willing to share.

I've been seeing my therapist for seven years, quite a long time. Lately I've been feeling almost totally consumed by the need to tell him that I love him, but I don't know where this is coming from and I'm not sure how to proceed. He almost certainly already knows even though I've never been explicit about it. We've talked around it several times. It's not romantic love but it's not exactly platonic either. I have a spouse who I'm 100% committed to so I feel guilty about these feelings, though intellectually I understand that it's normal and okay to be attached to someone who plays such an important part in my life. I just don't know what to say to him. I guess I want him to say it back to me, as on some level I can't believe that our relationship (such as it is) is "real" otherwise. I feel like he loves me (in an appropriate way) but I worry constantly that it's all in my head, and until it's concretized I can't stop obsessing about it. I think my biggest fear is that the people I feel close to (not just him) don't truly feel the same way about me, that my life is basically a huge delusion or fantasy. I struggle with anxiety about a lot of things but I always come back to this issue in particular. How embarrassing it would be to learn that the people I love see me as just another person in their lives.

I know there have been lots of discussions about love in therapy but I guess I'm just feeling weird and I'm trying hard not to email him about this. Would love to hear any thoughts or experiences from your own therapy.

Why do you think you don't say it? What are you afraid of if you do? It sounds like it's true.

I felt the same way for a long time and was afraid to say it, then I finally did, and I still have the urge to say it. No regrets. Frequently I even want to text him "I love you" but I don't take it that far. It occurred to me that maybe I just want to be like other people who say I love you to family, but my psyche is wrestling with the fact that he is not my family, or anyone "real" to me.

[Bipolar Warrior]

I've been feeling the same way when it comes to my university therapist lately, and I've been seeing her for less than a year. I find it hard to express my feelings to people, especially feelings that strong, so it's incredibly hard and I spend a lot of time agonising about it. I really want to tell her, though, but the thought of it is terrifying. Despite the fact that she continues to tell me how much she loves working with me, how she loves everything about me, and that I'm precious to her. And that intense way she looks at me when she says these things… It's so overwhelming, and the urge to tell her how I feel about her is very powerful.

I'm sure she knows, though. I have told her things like, "Seeing you is one of the best things that have ever happened to me", so I feel like she has to know, on some level, and I'm sure your therapist does, too. I want to learn how to express my feelings, though. I think that is part of the urge to tell her, for sure.

I hope it goes well when you do manage to tell him. I wish I could find the courage to do the same.