Why do I need to tell my T I love him?

I know what you mean and I agree there's a distinction. The thing is that sometimes the line is blurry. I feel like I'm midway between loving him and being in love with him. It's mostly platonic but there's a certain "charge" involved that I don't tend to experience with friends (but sometimes do, with very close, very intimate friends).

I don't know what I'm afraid of exactly. I trust him and I know he won't be a jerk about it. He'll either say it back or not - but I guess both are kind of scary. If he doesn't say it, I'll feel rejected. If he does say it, it'll make it all feel real in a way that may make me feel more guilty. I think this is because there's a small romantic love element involved. Like it's not totally the love I feel for a parent or a friend. That makes me feel like I'm betraying my partner, even though I would never want anything to happen with my T and he has never crossed any boundaries with me, and the love I have for him is MOSTLY not like that. But it's intense in a way that would make me feel uncomfortable, I guess, if reciprocated? But also happy? I don't know, it's confusing.

If it makes you feel any better, I am pretty sure I first had these feelings less than a year into therapy. It really is terrifying to have such strong feelings for someone, and to actually express these feelings brings the fear to another level. Thanks for your support, and I hope you find the courage to talk about it too, even if it takes a while!

FWIW I was afraid of what mine would say too, and like you afraid of both possible responses. In my case he didn't say he loved me back. I won't lie to you, it did sting. I didn't even ask for his feelings but that's what he naturally followed up with. He said he "cares" about me. I've never told him that when he says this I think to myself, whatever, I "care" about my mailman. What I did gain from it though was worth the sting. It was relieving to out the elephant in the room, and satisfying that he knows I love him in some weird way. I am still disappointed he doesn't love me. I might toss the word around too easily though, for me I "care" about my mailman and I "love" my friends. I love a lot of people. I'm also married and have never cheated. If nothing else you need to rid yourself of all guilt related to being attracted to your therapist. Cheating is ****ing another guy. If you tell your therapist you love him or even are in love with him that is not cheating in my book, it's not even borderline.

I can see how that would sting. I kind of hate using the phrase "caring about" because it does seem generic in a way; like you, I'd say I "care" about a lot of people, probably most people I interact with on a regular basis, but I'm pickier about "love". I appreciate what you said about attraction not being the same as cheating. It's funny, I am 100% in agreement, and would not really mind if my husband had similar feelings about another woman (in fact it would be kind of interesting to me, if anything), assuming he never acted on them. I just flinch at the thought that it would hurt him to know how I'm feeling. He's pretty progressive and understanding of the therapy thing, but I feel like he would feel bad deep-down, maybe a little inadequate (for not being able to play the same role as my therapist).

Hi evenzarathustra,

I have seen my T for two years. She has been helping me, recently, with making sense of unpleasant childhood memories plus the death of my mom...really, it's been hard. I guess she's helping me grieve the lack of safety and comfort in my childhood...so we are just talking about everything imaginable. Difficult conversations.

This has made so many memories, intrusive thoughts and questions pop up for me. I've ended up emailing her nearly every day...then, last week, I decided that was much too much, so I stopped.

I saw T today and we went over a lot of feelings that have come up for me this week. I told her I thought I had been emailing her too much. She told me, no, she didn't feel that way.

So I up and asked her if I felt I needed to email her every day...would that be too much? She said, "No."

I said I felt guilty because she doesn't even talk to her own sister that often.

She gave me an example of what she thought was "too much," and no worries, I don't come near doing that.

She was so gentle, thoughtful and kind. She answered all my questions and doubts.

When I got home today, I sent her one email. It said,

"I love you very much, ---(her name)--- .

That's the first time THAT happened.

I know she cares about me. I know PrevT cares about me. I love them both, and that's ok.

I wrap myself up with these assurances...this security...and it helps me sleep on uneasy nights.

I pulled this part out of your original post because it's a pretty big assumption and might be a way into the discussion with him.

Talking about the fear that your entire life is delusional if your feelings aren't reciprocated by people you're close to is great therapy material. You can use it to say you want to test the theory by using your feelings for him as an example. It's risky, because he might not say what you are hoping for, but if the end result is that you understand your theory of life a bit better and can adjust it to feel more grounded in a reality you can trust, then wouldn't that be worth it?

First, my T has said before that T's are not supposed to tell their clients that they love them. I sort of told her, and she said that it was very sweet, which made me feel kind of weird, because it felt almost patronizing. I've been seeing her for 4 years and feel that she loves me too--I just think she knew she wasn't supposed to say it and wasn't sure how to respond. So be prepared for that. (See below for more!)

I've been seeing my marriage counselor for about 2 years. I told him that I loved him about 4 months ago. I had a similar feeling to you, where I just felt this need to share it. For me, it was like I needed to know he accepted me even though I felt that. I'd told him about my transference months before that, and he'd reacted well, saying, "Yay! Someone's attracted to me!" and letting me know it was totally normal to happen. After a couple individual sessions with him, I came to realize it was probably more paternal than romantic/erotic.

A couple months after that, I just had this burning need to tell him I loved him. I left him a voicemail about feeling the need for reassurance, and he called me back the next afternoon. We talked for probably 20 minutes about my fear of abandonment/rejection, things like that, and he reassured me that he wasn't going anywhere and wasn't going to reject me. At the end of the conversation, I finally got up the courage to say, "So...if I love you...is that OK?" To which he said, "That's OK! I mean, you have awful taste, but it's OK." And I confirmed that he wasn't going to say we had to stop seeing him because I said that, and he said no, that it was fine.

Full disclosure: A misunderstanding between us happened the week after that, and I thought he was pushing me away because I'd said the "L" word. After talking (along with my H) to him for a few sessions, he finally gave me a response that satisfied me, and I felt safe/secure with him again.

Not completely related to the love confession, but kind of: A couple months after that, I went through an emotional crisis/crash. My p-doc talked about putting me in an intensive outpatient program, where I'd get therapy and group sessions daily for a month but wouldn't be able to see my T or MC. This totally freaked me out, and I feared that they (T, MC, and p-doc) were just trying to pawn me off on other people. T tried to reassure me, and it helped some. But then when I saw MC, he told me that it wasn't that they were annoyed or angry or frustrated with me. But that they cared about me. And he emphasized that multiple times in the session, and it seemed like he really meant it. T and p-doc never actually said the "we care about you" thing, but MC did. It's not the same as saying he loves me, but it felt close enough. And it wasn't just what he said, but how he said it.

A lot of us have been with therapists for longer than that.

However, I'm in no position to argue that it's healthy.