Need advice and support

Hi, I wrote this month's ago and posted in the new member section. I'm reposting here because I think it's the appropriate thread. Like I said, it's been months since I wrote this...still no communication even though I've requested (through text messages) parts of my chart that are missing. Since writing this post I've been through a lot I broke my knee in July and have been through 2 surgeries, staph infections and being bed ridden. It's been painfully tough...
Thank you for reading

Hi everyone! The fact that I'm writing this post is HUGE. I've been a member of forums before but not for many, many years.
I have many issues as do many people: major depression, ptsd, anxiety and a very tough childhood (to name a few )
I've been in therapy for most of my life, starting mostly in high school. I've become very attached to a couple therapists and have a very hard time with the "therapeutic relationship ". I can give more details after figuring out where I should post.
Believe it or not, I've been trying to post for over 2 years. The major issue that brings me here for support has been something I haven't 't been able to talk about without choking up.
I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. It's very hard for people to even understand the pain.
I'm hoping I can get some support and advice here from people who may understand. I would love to hear opinions and advice from anyone whether you have experienced this or not.
I'm not only looking for support but advice and suggestions to 1) get what I need to move on 2)my rights as a patient and 3)what steps are next?
This is not something I am willing to just "let go" or "move on" it's been over 2 years and it gets harder day by day.
Maybe you could guide me to the which would be best for me.
Without getting into all the details right now, here is a brief synopsis.
I was in therapy with the same psychiatrist for almost 10 years. On average I'd say I saw her 2 days/week for an hour of talk therapy. She also prescribed my meds. Needless to say she was a huge support for me and I greatly depended on our sessions to help me get through my weeks.
She had a private practice and she was pretty strict with boundaries. My biggest fear in life was losing her. I asked her almost every session if she was leaving. She assured me that if she were ever planning to move she would give many months notice, but she wasn't planning on going anywhere.
One day she told me that she was pregnant and would be out for 6-8 weeks. As that time drew closer I became more and more anxious about everything. I was not only worried about her abs cence but worried about the health of her and especially the baby. She knew all of this and understood.
When it was time for her to go on leave I felt ok and was excited to hear about the baby.
Time passed and I was able to call the covering dr to find out how everything went. Tragically she lost the baby due to complications with the ambilical cord...I took this news extremely hard. I thought that was the worst thing that could happ3n! On a side note, she had been trying to conceive a baby for a long time. She was older at this point (about 47) but everything was great. She was artificially inseminated with eggs that were not her own
I was a total mess. UT I was told she would still be coming back for our next appointment. Well, a week before my next session with her I received a letter in the mail from her stating she would not be coming back to work and I would not see her again. It was a very "official" letter with no personal connotation whatsoever.
The next month was a horror.
Possible Trigger Show
I was hospitalized for a couple weeks and tried contacting her. She did not return my calls. One day I received a call from her. I was on the phone with her standing in a public kitchen, people all around. All I remember her saying was "I'm calling to say goodbye " my stomach dropped and I couldn't say a word. I couldn't comprehend what was going on. To make it worse there were people all around. I couldn't speak a word. A little more was said but I couldn't tell you what. She asked if I wanted to say goodbye and I said NO! I told her I was in a public area and this completely got me off guard. I literally couldn't speak. She said bye and hung up.
That's it...that was the last time she spoke to me. That was in July 2013. I've tried so hard to contact her with no response.
The past 2 years have been a blur. I want to die every second of the day. I think for hours about how to get her to speak to me. If anything she owes me the opportunity of closure. I'm scared to pester her but I have sent a few texts to her...no response. I also emailed a few times and she did not even open them.
The anger is building every day. I've studied the laws and ethics surrounding her process of termination. I believe I could go ahead and file a lawsuit. Because of this I have not been able to work and can barely get out of bed. I have a child I cannot give my whole self to...it's not there. I have no will anymore. The ONLY reason I'm here is for my daughter.
I think of ways to contact her where she'll respond.

Why all the angst? There are many reasons which I can go into later, but basically she was the only person who was able to build up my trust enough to tell her things that only she knows. She has my secrets. Everything we worked on 8n those years mean nothing now. She did everything that I feared...everything that she told me wouldn't happen, happened. Now she won't give me the courtesy of being able to get my closure...to get my questions answered...and I have so many...she is the only one with the answers.
Obviously there is much more involved here but I think I've written enough!
Have people had this experience before? What are my options? I've thought about the legal route but most everything says I need to file a complaint. I don't want to do that...she has given me no there choice. This is not just going to go away. It's 2ors3 daily. The whole experience has given me more ptsd. It's horrible. I need help. Yes, I do see another psychiatrist for my meds but all I do is cry at our appointments. She contacted the doctor years ago trying to set something up and she could mediate. She refused everything.
Sorry this is so long but it has taken me 2 years to write it. I may have trouble in responding but I appreciate anything and will respond when I'm able to. Like I said, the ptsd cripples me most days and I do whatever I can to avoid this , but I need advice now. I need solutions. I don't need someone to say "move on" or "she's not worth it*, etc. I've tried all that and I will not let it go. I can not move forward without being able to get closure.

I feel like buying bilboards so she sees my messages...so she contacts me. I have a lot to say!!!
Thanks in advance for advice on how to get this done
-desperate

Thanks for posting this, riding solo! I'm glad you found the courage to seek out support here! What a painful situation you are in. My heart goes out to you.

The way your ex-psychiatrist left you after working with her so intimately for almost a decade is heartbreaking. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any recourse for you to get her to contact you at this point. At best, you might be able to file a ethics complaint against your ex-psychiatrist for not providing you with a referral upon her unexpected departure, but I understand you do not want to go that route.

I also understand you do need closure and that it might have to come in a different way than you are expecting it. I know you are seeing a new psychiatrist for meds. Are you seeing an actual therapist as well to help you work through this? A good therapist can help you find alternative closure ideas, talk about what is going on, and teach you ways to cope with all you are dealing with so you can move into healthy well-being.

I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest talking to your current psychiatrist about seeking out an experienced therapist that specializes in trauma treatment. It sounds like you are caught up in a chronic, persistent state of trauma, also known as hell. And if you had trauma earlier in life, your ex-psychiatrist has re-traumatized you, thus amplifying the debilitating effects of your PTSD. A good trauma therapist will know how to best treat you and will have the skills and compassion to not traumatize you further.

There is good help out there for you. You deserve to seek out that help. I wish you well!

I'm sorry you feel so awful about the way she ended your therapy with her. However I think it would help if you looked at it through her point of view. She lost a child. I'm sure it wasn't an easy choice for her to not return to work, but under the circumstances I feel it was acceptable.

I'm wondering what legal instances you are finding that say you can file a lawsuit? I think she is under her rights to terminate when she can longer provide you proper care due to her own circumstances.

please don't take this to be mean, I'm just looking at the other side.

The deal is - and the way those set the game up - is that a client is not supposed to have to see it from the therapist's point of view. They keep their private lives private.