The Couch: 103 — The Non-Palindromic Couch

T: "With you, I've had to do something that I haven't had to with other patients, I've had to make myself vulnerable in hopes that you would reciprocate."

I honestly don't know what to do. I've made myself so numb that I can't project any emotions besides this blankness in therapy. He's always asking how I feel and the answer is I don't. I don't know how to get past this apathy. Like I've told you all my deepest secrets but I don't have it in me to feel the pain of it. I'm sorry that you've had to open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable for me but you shouldn't. Truth is I pry on people's vulnerability and I hurt them.

t asked me something yesterday i forget what it was cuz it wasn't really my point but oh yeah - it was about the couch in her office - she asked if I thought it should stay, or if she should replace it with a chair so she'd have room for another bookcase for the sand play stuff. I said I like the couch, she goes why, I go I don't know why, I just do. She goes because people can lay down if they want to? I said no, I don't know why, that's just who I am, sometimes I know something but I don't know why. She responded something like it was good that I stated confidently "that's just who I am, sometimes I know something but I don't know why." It felt like she was congratulating me for standing up for my me or something. Oh yeah she also said me singing that song for her was an incredible gift. Damn that was a good session. I think I've had a lil too much wine though. I'd better get off the computer now before I embarrass myself. Y'all are good people you know that? Now I wanna go aroudn and hug everyone. Better run iffn you don't wanta hug.

I would have been babbling some nonsense about how it used to be a pagan holiday celebrating the return of the sun and making them like me even more!

My interview in AZ is the first week in Dec. I'm already worried that I have to fake sick at work in order to leave and catch my flight. We are at a horribly busy time at work but I can't control when they want me to interview.

I'm feeling paranoid --like everyone at works knows I have a wandering career eye.

"Is it possible that, too long ago for you to remember, you exhibited symptoms of a condition that I have not explained to you, but which you don't exhibit now?"

Thanks for letting me self-absorb rant here, everyone

I have a feeling that I will get the job offer. Now I'm getting jittery

I'm worried that I'm too much of an atheist liberally-liberal gal to survive conservative AZ.
I've been looking up T's and there are a LOT of Christian counselors which is fine for those who want or need that.

Also worried that there are a TON of addiction counselors mentioned specifically. Does AZ have an unusually high addiction problem?

Religious people are largely immune to facts.
On the other hand, non-religious people are largely immune to personal revelation.

Could be a heart attack. Should be checked.

((GrowlyCat))

I understand your fear but you'll probably find it isn't justified.

The differences between states are much smaller than the differences within them. It should be much easier to switch states than to switch roles or industries. Half the people in Arizona are probably from out-of-state anyway.

Aspie kids tend to be socially awkward, don't like their daily routines changed, ask lots of embarrassing questions and dress to please themselves. They have a few close friends and don't like crowds.

ETA:

By the way, I personally prefer that Aspergers not be called a syndrome or a disorder. It's just a different way of being human, like lesbianism or left handedness.

Well, I survive here and I'm an atheist liberal
There are a lot of churchy people, but most of them are lovely and non-judgmental.
I don't think there's higher than usual addiction problems here, perhaps less tolerance though, legally speaking, hence the need for addiction counselors.
There are a lot of guns. I don't know if I'll ever understand people who go grocery shopping with a gun on their hip, or that one dude I saw on the freeway a while back with a gun holster built into the handles of his motorbike, but oh well... I guess some people like to fantasize about fighting ISIS in the checkout lane...

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I really appreciate your thoughts on living there!! I don't mean to bash the religious--yes many are lovely people. I've just been burned before.

I've been looking online to see what therapists are out there. I prefer older male therapists who aren't cold in demeanor, who don't do Christian counseling and who take insurance. Prospects seem really slim. It worries me but then again I have to get through the interview first!

PC really needs that LOL button!

Ha! That's about it!
But I do have a good recall of some events starting at about age two.
I've emailed asking her to explain further and give me some examples.

I've found information online...and a few quizzes..but I don't know how much weight to give to things found online.

I see her again in two weeks. I guess if I have had Asperger's for sixty years, a few more weeks won't matter.

I saw CE's response and yeah half the people here probably aren't from here anyway (like me and my hubby & son) and it just depends on where you go. And yeah JS, I found my true spirituality here which is pagan (I consider myself a shamanic animist spiritually) and I don't think I'd have ever found that in MO or CA where I lived previously. Here in Southern AZ anyway, I can't speak for anywhere else, I find people to be very accepting of whoever/whatever people are. I don't feel like I have to hide my beliefs. I love living in Arizona.

Wow, been a few days and I miss so much. I went back and read a couple pages of the previous couch and saw some suggestions and support for my last post. Thanks guys.

Been a busy few days. Had the homebound kid on Wednesday and he fell asleep halfway through our session. His mom said he had a seizure that morning which makes his tired. I was suppose to do some of his make up hours (from before I was his teacher) on Thursday, but mom texted me 10 minutes before saying that he fell asleep and not to come. This is difficult, he keep falling alseep. So, I just emailed mom to propose we use mornings before I head to school job instead. Maybe he would be more alert. I am just trying to figure out how to get his instruction delivered as I've only had half a session with him and it's getting close to the end of the semester.

Wow, I have bad luck with homebound students. The last one I had, I had to give up because he was supposed to have 3 hours a week and his mom said he could not handle more than 15 minute sessions. That was hard as I was in my pharmacy school then as well as my school job. At least the kids this time only gets an hour a week and his mom lets me schedule for an hour (even though she cancels a lot). Goodness.

From what I've seen of Arizona back in grad school and on business trips there the past couple years, the conservative rep is kind of hyped up, and especially doesn't apply to big cities like Phoenix and Tucson (out in more rural areas, as CE noted, it may be different). It will be more conservative and religious than you're used to, but like JS said, most people seem to keep to themselves.

My big problem with Arizona is the terrible drivers. Ignore the stats about accidents - of course there won't be many accidents when there's good weather most of the time. Be prepared to drive very, very aggressively and also very, very defensively. (Sorry if this offends any Arizonans on here.)

New England has the worst drivers I have ever encountered - worse even than texas in my opinion.

I'm not offended, but I've never noticed the need for driving any more aggressively or defensively than anywhere else I've lived in the US. Then again, I've been a passenger in a car in Southern Italy, now THERE was a scary place to drive in my opinion. Again no offense to Southern Italians who might be here. We saw several minor fender-benders every single day we were there and people drove like 2 lanes were 3 lanes and I refused to drive at all, I let my brother and hubby do all the driving!

Another Melissa video for y'all.. her song "Monster". She did it at the show I saw recently, but this isn't from that show.

I don't find it any worse than Northern California myself. SoCal is the scariest place I've driven.

The stbx is being a douchenozzle again. He threatened me with custody this morning if I kept asking for child support.
And he played the 'I'll kill myself' card. Oh no. You did not just do that. A$$hat.
.

Those two antics won't serve him well in court...
Any guy who uses their kids as a threat to get his way...is an ***!
And, what court would want to give kids to an admittedly suicidal dad?
((Hugs))

I don't think he's actually suicidal, just being a manipulative arse. He claimed to have cut too. He never had those behaviors before. He used to tell me that I should just kill myself.
He is an ***, I wouldn't mind, but he's and *** who just won't go the f- away already.

(((JS))) An ex-girlfriend played that "I'll kill myself" card when I tried to break up with her the first time, right after she cheated on me. Of course I fell for it and stayed with her longer than I wanted to after that because I was afraid she would hurt herself. Goddess I hate manipulative people.