Still missing her

I'm sorry for the repetition.

I didn't lie to anyone, but I wasn't forthcoming either. My T told me to get rid of everything about ex-T. I put everything I physically have from ex-T in a box and placed the box at the bottom and in the back of my closet, so I still have it when I'm stronger. I was supposed to delete my emails but I can't yet because the board of psychology might need it for my grievance. I was supposed to delete her contact information, but I didn't. And I wasn't supposed to look her up on Fb. But I look at her and her husband's pages almost daily. I look to see if a new picture was added.

Well, after 9 months, ex-T posted a new picture on Fb. It's her holding her daughter with her husband. She looks so happy. But it hurts me so much. I want to be with her. I want to see her smile, see her gorgeous blue eyes, feel her hug me... even if it's just one more time. I want her back. I still love her! Why did she leave me? I thought she cared at one point. Maybe even loved me? What happened? What did I do wrong?

I know it's my fault this time for hurting. It's my fault for looking her up everyday. But I just can't seem to let go of her...not all of her anyways. I'm sorry. This was really stupid of me.

It's not stupid of you. It's normal. It's human. I wish I could offer advice or something useful, but all I can do it feel for you. Feel with you. Watching you have this journey, even if only by lurking on these forums for the past few months, has been astonishing. I admire your strength, and I really mean that.

Good luck.

Argonaut

That much grief must be hard. Why are you putting in a complaint?

My T of 17 months abandoned me about 9 months ago. It's a long story. I don't really know why she terminated me. I don't know why she told me to never directly contact her again. My current T tried to help me by being the "middleman" btwn my ex-T and I, but my ex-T still refused to give an explanation. Ex-T knew my biggest fear was abandonment, yet that's what she did to me. There's more to the story, but that's the general explanation. I relive it through my dreams and flashbacks. So I'm not writing out the whole story. I hope you'll understand.

I don't think it's your fault for hurting. I think you are having a normal reaction and I don't think that what you are doing, looking at Facebook is making you feel worse, it is probably just bringing your feelings to the surface, but your feelings are there anyway. I have a friend who has just trained as a T. She had theraoy herself for two years. She said the therapy had no impact on her, and yet she still thinks of her ex-T every day. I think it's just a by product of this wierd therapy relationship that it gets under your skin so much. I miss my ex-T too. Do you feel that your can't talk to your T about this as you haven't followed her advice?

I did email my T this morning. I even attached the picture I found on fb. She responded back a couple hrs ago. She wrote:How are you coping with missing your ex-T? I know it gets easier with time. And I have gotten better as more time passes. But there's this part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know why. I know she's gone and is never coming back. Maybe I don't want to let go because I don't know how to deal with being abandoned again? Or maybe because it means I've failed at another relationship? Or something is wrong with me? Maybe I can't accept ex-T for all her strengths and weakness...i.e. I can only see the ideal version of her?

I just hurt so much. I've had 3 crying sessions just today alone when I haven't cried for awhile now for her. My heart just hurts. I wish I could stop looking at her and just let her go. I still love her... The sad thing is that I will probably love her for the rest of my life...

Who knows what happened on her end. She may have had a good reason but something she can't tell you about. I hope new t can help you process that. And you may not need to put a complaint in. I mean, it'd be hard for me to force someone to keep seeing me if they didn't want to. I'm not sure what you want out of the complaint.

Hi Scarlet,

I had nowhere the depth of the relationship with my ex,T which you did with your ex T but I still miss her too. Sometimes, I even dream of her...despite how my current T is a better fit.

My current T said that my hurt and grief meant I had connected with my ex T, and hence the loss is so painful.

Sending you hugs, if you want! Grief has no timeline.

I admire your effort to deal with all this. But I want some practical solution .

I might be totally off but if I may suggest kind of based on what my t says and what I experience... Again my apologies if it offends you but my intent is just come up with practical solutions.

You might have too much time on your hand at this point in your life. I am not sure about your life style but if you were busier with whatever you might not have as much time to dwell. It is very important to grieve of course but my t says if we have tendency to obsess and dwell ( I do and I think you do too) when we have too much free time we would be dwelling 24/7.

I sometimes start dwelling but then I gonna get going and feelings subside. If you don't work could you volunteer or do major projects at home? Anything to take your mind of t? Staying busy with anything but looking up or thinking of t?

I am sending you hugs

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I am sorry you are still feeling so much pain, and I think it's totally normal given how connected you were to her and how long you saw her for.

I agree with divine regarding filling up your schedule a bit more, if you are able.
Volunteering is a great option and is recommended for a lot of people who struggle so they are forced to focus on something external. Even if it keeps you from home more than you'd like, it may be beneficial if only to force you to focus on something external and not connected to your life in anyway. Helping others can lift your mood too. I realize it may feel too hard, but doing something outside your comfort zone can have a positive impact on your thought process. It doesn't mean your feelings will just go away, but it will help. Simply telling yourself not to look her up online when you have the time to do it takes an awful lot of energy and may be too high an expectation to hold yourself to. If you're too busy to think about her however, those thoughts will decrease naturally.

You might also block her FB page and that of her husband. It will force you to take several steps before you can get to their pages, and just slowing down that process a bit so you can think first before you act might help. Print off the emails so you can delete them off your computer, put them in that box, and hand over that box to your current T so that you don't have direct access to it. You can take a few steps to slow down those actions a bit.

i can relate to this. i still have all the emails my former T sent me in a folder in my gmail. the board has already read them and used them. i have no purpose for them, but i still havent deleted them. also, sometimes i do search for him on the internet, but immediately regret it when i see his photo or some stupid BS he posts on his website. i blocked him on FB though.

i think its common to do these things, i dont think it's stupid scarlet. its part of the process... its been 5 years since my T lost his license and i still do these things, but it has lessened over the years. i used to do it obsessively, now its maybe once every 3-4 months.

can you talk to your current T about it? please dont be ashamed for doing this... your feelings are totally valid and understandable.

I feel similarly about my ex-therapist. I will love her forever.

I also agree with the other posters that you need to do something with your time. Volunteering, I think, is the best route. Giving to others makes us focus less on our own pain.

Can you tell me one thing that you could volunteer at? Just one.

I am very interested in your answer.

Scarlet, I'm so sorry you are still having such a rough time. I think you should be proud of yourself for managing so well so far.

I think others' suggestion of volunteering is a great one. About a year ago I was having a very bad time. I went to a partial program and they suggested volunteering. I liked the idea in theory, but wondered how I could possibly manage that when I could barely get off the couch. Just thinking about making the phone calls to inquire about volunteering gave me a panic attack.

I was able to do it though, and found a position. At first it was really hard going in. I had to deal with new situations and new people that made me anxious. For the first few weeks I kept wanting to call in sick to avoid the anxiety.

But then something funny happened...I started to enjoy it! And suddenly I had more confidence in myself because I was like, wow, I can be a productive member of society and help people out. And I was so busy I didn't dwell on my problems nearly so much.

Sorry for the long "me" story...I just wanted to let you know that even though it can be difficult at first, volunteering is a great way to get out of your own head for a bit and get some structure into your life.

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Just to give an idea of place of volunteering I did homeless shelters. I with two jobs now and have no time but I used to. Good thing to do.

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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know from experience how hard it is to let someone who was once so important to you go. It's so incredibly difficult. But the sooner you are able to get rid of those things that remind you of her, the sooner you can start healing.

I will get nothing out of filling a grievance against her except for maybe validation. Mostly, the grievance is being filled so she won't do the same to another client. I am surviving all of this because of all the resources I have. What if someone doesn't have the same resources. What my did could push someone off the edge. It almost did for me.

Yeah. My T told me today that I might still miss my T 5, 10, even 20 years from now.

5 years is a long time. I thought 9 months was long... I was honest with my T about searching for pictures on the internet. I actually attached the picture I found. My T already knew I took pictures off the internet of my ex-T. She saw all that I had...even ex-T's wedding pictures

I could volunteer at the hospital, animal shelter, some sort of mentoring or big brother/sister/YMCA.

You still love your ex-T? Did the relationship end on good terms? If not, how do you integrate the good and the bad?

I saw my T today. We talked about a lot of different things. I told her that I've been crying, but only when I'm alone. She said I'm not giving myself permission to grieve. She wants me to cry with her in session and to stop holding back the tears. Lately, every time I start to tear up with her, I quickly ask for a different topic.

I told her about how people here on PC want me to volunteer. I reminded her that she too at one point suggested volunteering or a job. But I told her that I don't want to do those things. That they're not part of my goals. She told me it was okay. I told her that I'm thinking about quitting group because me and the group T keep "butting heads". She said it's fine if I choose to quit, but I have to have an individual session with him to try to work things out. And we discussed that my goals need to be changed. She thinks my old goals were just too big.

I also had a very scary revelation with my T. The closer I get to her, the more painful it will be when it comes time for termination. But she said that we will work it out when that time comes.

Sorry to hear what you are going through.
You need to find something to wrap your mind into and simply stop doing any kind of contact.
Abandonment is a terrible feeling, but realize that this was done to you and you would never do that to anyone else. It is simply not right. No contact means any form. It will be tough, but you deserve to be treated better. Do all you need for you, but keep NC.
Find a hobby, go to the gym, walking outside is a great activity.
Rescue an animal.
Find good support to help you through.
Oh, did I mention no contact. No internet searches, no social media stalking ( reading).

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From everything I read, it seems like your current T is really good. I'm glad for you that you have her.

It ended well because it was MY decision to terminate. I loved her so much but knew I would never, ever, get what I thought I neded (some form of physical touch).

She would not break her boundary and I couldn't live with it anymore. It was really hard leaving her, but I couldn't live with the constant yearnings any longer.

Not even a good bye hand shake after almost 1000 sessions.