[Partless]

So I'm not sure why I'm struggling with this, I think partly because sometimes what I wanted so badly was not given to me—either by parents or life that was indifferent to my suffering—or perhaps because it reminds me of my vulnerability.

For instance now I'm sitting at home all alone, and been so since this morning, no phone call, nothing. I was feeling uncomfortable and I could not tell what it is. Then a few minutes ago I thought, Hey maybe it's loneliness?

Of course this would make me feel vulnerable cause I'm real shy and also due to PTSD I stopped keeping in touch with the few friends I did have, and so now the whole thing about making friends and all that seems to just be a reminder of a bad past and weakness in present to get what I really want. So maybe that's why I sometimes just totally create a big distant between heart and brain and then I sit here like an idiot unable to read my own body. And then you're stuck in that victim place forever, same story, same excuse....

I think the suffering is about three aspect of this: Not getting what you wanted in the past, difficulty to get what you want in present, and possibility of not getting what you want in future. So somehow this idea of not wanting or needing anything, this God-like wholeness in oneself, seems like a great idea! Alas, it's not realistic. It seems that in order to heal, you have to expose your wounds to the open air. And it's only natural to try to protect the wounds or even pretend they don't exist. And I so badly want to protect myself. I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling, anybody else connect with this?

[musinglizzy]

Yes, I do. I actually get very bitter/angry when it's even brought up. I don't want to talk about it, let alone admit I have them. That gets me very bitter and angry, as does the "inner child" talk.

[AllHeart]

If I didn't know any better I'd say I wrote that post!! So frustrating!!

[Argonautomobile]

Yeah, I identify with a lot of this. It's hard to separate things, to get better, when every issue seems connected to another and another and another until you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders. And then you can't even admit that it sucks, because, hey, any admission of need is weakness.

So, yeah, I get it. The harder part is digging out.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My whole life I have had a hard time admitting my needs and wants. I have gotten so much better at it because of therapy and having an amazing therapist.

Admitting or understanding. Understanding is my hurdle.

[Walking Man]

A lot of my emotional needs weren't met growing up. For the most part I couldn't really ask for sympathy or attention. So, now I expect rejection, even when I have reason to believe I will be accepted. It even feels "wrong" to ask. I feel like I'm being self-centered and needy, like it's improper, or there's something wrong with me. The thing is that even if I know it's ok, I don't know how.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Admitting or understanding. Understanding is my hurdle.

That's what I was going to say. It took me a long time to even know what I needed. Just recognizing what it was that I needed to be able to move forward took a long time. Once I recognized it though, no, it didn't have any problem working for what I needed.

But I didn't really need things from other people really; it was more about what I needed to do for myself because, honestly, I am the only person I have any control over. Trying to get my needs fulfilled through other people would have been an exercise in futility. What I learned is that ultimately I have to be my own advocate, my own support, my own nurturer. That doesn't mean I don't have other people in my life that also give me the gift of their support and love, but unless I can do this for myself, their support will never be enough.

I think too many people spend too much time trying to get their needs fulfilled through other people and neglect the fact that they have to do this for themselves in order for it to make lasting, solid, internal change and growth in their life. It took me a long time to learn that, but when I did, THAT was when my life greatly improved and stabilized, and I found real joy and contentment with life.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

That's what I was going to say. It took me a long time to even know what I needed. Just recognizing what it was that I needed to be able to move forward took a long time. Once I recognized it though, no, it didn't have any problem working for what I needed.

But I didn't really need things from other people really; it was more about what I needed to do for myself because, honestly, I am the only person I have any control over. Trying to get my needs fulfilled through other people would have been an exercise in futility. What I learned is that ultimately I have to be my own advocate, my own support, my own nurturer. That doesn't mean I don't have other people in my life that also give me the gift of their support and love, but unless I can do this for myself, their support will never be enough.

I think too many people spend too much time trying to get their needs fulfilled through other people and neglect the fact that they have to do this for themselves in order for it to make lasting, solid, internal change and growth in their life. It took me a long time to learn that, but when I did, THAT was when my life greatly improved and stabilized, and I found real joy and contentment with life.

I'm trying to figure out (based on your second paragraph), how I (and others) can advocate, support or nurture myself when I was abandoned at birth and, again, before I was five. Having not received those feelings of love and acceptance in the first place, how do I learn what to do for myself? This is not intended to be a confrontation...I'm truly interested in knowing your thoughts on this. I have a tremendous amount of trouble understanding what I feel or actually feeling the sadness, fear, etc. (guessing at what I should be feeling) at having been abandoned and neglected in early life.

I don't know how to identify my needs and wants. All I need is food, water and shelter, isn't?

When I once again started therapy several years ago it was torturous, because I did no know what many of them were, and some were so primitive. My therapist instinctively knew I had attachment issues, and offered her services individually to me. At the time we were doing family therapy. I was hesitant at first, because I was not willing to spend the next decade or the rest of my life in therapy. She assured me that it would take 18-24 months.

My therapist helped me see that my needs and wants were perfectly find. She Said my needs were the same as anyone else's that did not get those infant/toddler needs met whether they were 0 or 100!

Those needs and wants occasionally still com around, and deal with them. I'm no longer ashamed or embarrassed by them. I saw my ex therapist the other day, and several hours laters I had a craving to be held by her. I had to think was this a child need or a friendship need. I figured out it was a combination of both. I hadn't seen, talked or emailed for a while, because my life has been very busy, as is hers. I sat with it and before I knew it I had soothed myself. I was enough...for me.