[WanderingBark]

I've been lurking on the forums and it seems like a lot of people have outside communication with their T's (e-mail, phone calls, text, etc) and I'm so insanely jealous I wish so badly that I could send my T a short e-mail or text when I'm really struggling, but I can't--he doesn't allow it. All outside communication is limited to scheduling only. And even when I find an excuse to re-arrange my schedule when I really need to hear from him, all I get are short responses like "we'll talk about it next session" or "thanks" or "I'm available at x o'clock.

Even if I had the luxury of outside communication with my T, I don't think I would use it that much. Only when I'm really desperate, like now. A few weeks ago he offered an extra session to me so I took it and we've been meeting twice a week, but now I want to ask for a third appointment just to be near him more I'm really losing it here with my transference and attachment. I don't know if I can sustain this.

I think you will find that there are more people without outside communication than with it. I am limited to scheduling texts just like you. It does hurt sometime to hear stories from others though.

[ilikecats]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time without outside communication. I'm very lucky that my T does texting and phone calls, but she doesn't email, and I understand feeling jealous of people who get to email their T. I'm a lot better at expressing myself through writing than speaking, so it would be great to be able to email her. I wouldn't feel comfortable saying a lot through text, because to me texts are generally short and sweet, while emails can ramble a bit more.

[stopdog]

One could always write a letter and just mail it through the regular post. Or find a different therapist who is available for such communications.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

I'm sorry you're having a hard time without outside communication. I'm very lucky that my T does texting and phone calls, but she doesn't email, and I understand feeling jealous of people who get to email their T. I'm a lot better at expressing myself through writing than speaking, so it would be great to be able to email her. I wouldn't feel comfortable saying a lot through text, because to me texts are generally short and sweet, while emails can ramble a bit more.

I feel like I'm better at communicating through writing as well, I think that contributes to my desperation in wanting outside communication

I think even the outside contact wouldn't feel enough at first. It's best to keep trudging with the work, if your have faith in your T.

Outside contact can be a double edged sword. Just as you are discovering with extra sessions, you might find yourself desiring more even if there was email etc between sessions. In fact, sitting waiting, expecting an email in response can be quite painful and touching on abandonment issues in itself. It could be good to talk to him about the feelings the lack of contact evokes in you, it could open up a positive discussion about your attachment.
As others have said, if it becomes an insurmountable problem you could try another therapist.

[Myrto]

I understand.
I have outside communication with my therapist but as Echos Myron pointed out, it's a double edged sword. You tend to expect a lot from your therapist and when they fail to give it, it's immensely painful.
I may have outside communication but I'm jealous of people here who get to hug their T or whose T tell them "I love you".

[Victoria'smom]

I get do too so I write to t between session and give it to him in session.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I get do too so I write to t between session and give it to him in session.

I've done that once before and he always asks me to read the letters out loud, which is tough. But I think I will try it again. It's a great idea.

[Chummy]

I can email my T but she only reads and answers it during her workhours. So usually I just wait until our session. I use email when I want to tell her something but I'm too afraid to do that face to face.

With previous T's there wasn't any outside communication.

[Suraya]

I feel the same way because I also don't have any outside communication with T. I totally understand it though because I don't expect her to work past her regular hours she already puts in. I also have read on here about others who feel so hurt when their Ts change their boundaries or don't return communication, and then I'm glad mine is so consistent. But I do crave more contact. I wish she could read my mind and offer me more sessions or offer for me to call or email.

[Salmon77]

I have no real contact with my T outside sessions and I prefer it that way. Writing out thoughts and feelings can be good, but for me I think it's more important that I learn to get comfortable with verbalizing them, face to face with another person. I think sometimes writing is a way to avoid real contact.

[SkyscraperMeow]

There's what your therapist 'allows' and there's a level of service you require.

Personally, I think transference issues are massively exacerbated by the artificial limiting of therapist contact. I also believe pretty strongly that therapists who limit contact that severely to in session contact only don't actually understand attachment difficulties at all and probably can't treat them effectively either.

I've never had a problem getting what I needed from my therapist (though I do limit it to working hours contact, and I don't usually contact him outside session more than a couple times a week). But I am comforted by the fact that if I reach out, he will be there. Maybe not instantly, but the next working day, and if he can make time for a call or an extra session if I need it, then I'll get that.

The result is I feel secure and I don't have huge attachment or pain resulting from feeling like I need more time than I can get.

If you have pre-existing attachment /abandonment /anything along those lines issues, you need a therapist who can make you feel secure, and harsh limits on contact do not achieve that.

People say that getting more access encourages dependence, but I don't think so. Once you realize someone has your back, you don't need to constantly reach out to make sure that they're there. But a person who essentially plays the role of the distant emotional contact, punishing you by regarding your needs as somehow toxic to them (which is how it feels when therapists refuse contact outside sessions) is not going to help.

Seriously look at how much this therapist is actually helping you, because you should NOT be in this much pain. My therapist has worked really hard to make sure I don't live with unnecessary discomfort. (Some is inevitable, but not all.) And I don't think anyone should pay for less than that if that's what they need.

[wotchermuggle]

There are pitfalls to communication. I know I worry about too much contact and that my T will say I've sent too many emails. And then there is the waiting for a response, which sometimes happens quickly and other times, it's days. And then there is the potential for miscommunication since it's hard to read tone in an email....

It's not always daisies and buttercups.

[Random]

Im always jealous when others mention emailing their therapists too. I would love that, in fact if I could just switch my therapy from face to face to just emails, I would in a heartbeat. That probably has to do with social anxiety but even so, that just sounds amazing to me.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by Myrto

I understand.
I have outside communication with my therapist but as Echos Myron pointed out, it's a double edged sword. You tend to expect a lot from your therapist and when they fail to give it, it's immensely painful.
I may have outside communication but I'm jealous of people here who get to hug their T or whose T tell them "I love you".

Same here.

Originally Posted by Salmon77

I have no real contact with my T outside sessions and I prefer it that way. Writing out thoughts and feelings can be good, but for me I think it's more important that I learn to get comfortable with verbalizing them, face to face with another person. I think sometimes writing is a way to avoid real contact.

With my previous T, she did bring up that I was using e-mail to avoid talking about things, which I completely agreed with. Writing things out, and sending to her in an e-mail was easier because she had time to read it and react without me worrying about it. I had time to write out what I thought, thinking carefully, and there was the whole "once removed" thing being it was not face to face.

My current T has almost always responded to my e-mails, and when she hasn't there has been a misunderstanding, and once she just forgot. The stress! UGH. It was during those times that I wished I never e-mailed in the first place. The constant checking of e-mail nad constant worrying was terrible.

Luckily it has only happend 2 or 3 times, so not a big deal--but I can see the flip side of having outside contact. That being said, if I am REALLY upset about something and call her, that has been really helpful. Once she didn't call back, and i freaked out internally. Once I got the guts up to email her and tell her I was really upset, did she call as soon as she could. She misunderstood my voicemail so she thought she didn't need to call back.

SO, a lot of miscommunication can happen, but for me, right now, its worth it. I'm sorry you don't have any outside communication. Even my last T who was pretty blank slate let me e-mail, even after our conversation where she said I was using it to avoid talking about in session.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I agree with other people that its not always great having outside contact. I can email my T but just to let her know how I am doing. She will let me know she got it and write a couple sentences. I only send an email with my session recap (how the session went). The constant waiting for a replay back and being disappointed with her response was to much. Plus we have had some miscommunications that left me sick with worry and guilt that wouldn't have happened if we had talked in person. I am thankful I can email or call her if I really need to but its not all wonderful. Its honestly better to talk in sessions.

Quote SkyscraperMeow, "People say that getting more access encourages dependence, but I don't think so. Once you realize someone has your back, you don't need to constantly reach out to make sure that they're there. But a person who essentially plays the role of the distant emotional contact, punishing you by regarding your needs as somehow toxic to them (which is how it feels when therapists refuse contact outside sessions) is not going to help."

I have to agree. My now ex therapist let me have all the contact I wanted with all regular types of communication except she does not text (does not use a mobile phone). I thought she was fu-fu when she said she was available 24/7. Now her caveat was that if I needed a response I had to state that clearly. For emails she did not always respond though she did respond to ~ 2/3 of my 1600 plus emails in 18 months. She "usually" always responded to phone calls. Not my preferred method, unless I was very suicidal. Her comment to me toward the end of therapy was that she appreciated the emails, even the dark, hopeless, suicidal ones, because it told her I was still alive, and still fighting for life. My life! I also had many sessions per week for several hours at a time. As I got more secure all that wound down. Being attached took a lot of reassurance on her part, time and again, that my needs and my wants were not too much. She would say, "There is no such thing as to needy."

Emailing, phone calls, and extra sessions are available to all her clients, which is mostly couples therapy. What some people don't understand is that not all clients need the same thing all at once.

She is good at setting boundaries and taking care of herself and her clients.

[Pennster]

I never had outside contact with any therapist in the past, but I do with my current one. It was never a factor for me in choosing therapists, but I don't think I would ever go back to one who refused outside contact. Having someone I can contact when I need support has alleviated that sense of feeling really alone with my troubles. He generally just does a bit of coaching so I can figure out how I can take of myself to get through the day, but this experience of getting help and then pulling myself out of my flashback or crisis or whatever is going on, repeated over and over, has been really effective at helping me see that I can pull myself out of whatever is going on in my head, and that people can help me with it.

In the past, I used to just spiral downward without any idea how to help myself, and I was left feeling very alone and like no one would help me- I think my first experience in therapy really reinforced this "no one will help me feeling" partly because he was both unavailable outside of appointments and also not very consistent with appointments.

I wish more therapists would offer coaching outside of appointments - our outside contact is still nice and boundaried in a way that I like, and the format is usually we work through what are the concrete things I can do to get myself feeling a bit better so when I hang up I generally feel ready to take a few steps toward making my day better. Then when I'm feeling better I usually drop him an email and tell him what helped.

But I really get the sense it's pretty rare for therapists to use outside contact well, and I think there is a lot of room for damage with not using it well. I do wish this was something that therapists looked into and were more willing to research and learn how to use in a helpful way. I feel bad for people who think it might be helpful and who don't have it, partly because I really know what that's like.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

There's what your therapist 'allows' and there's a level of service you require.

Personally, I think transference issues are massively exacerbated by the artificial limiting of therapist contact. I also believe pretty strongly that therapists who limit contact that severely to in session contact only don't actually understand attachment difficulties at all and probably can't treat them effectively either.

I've never had a problem getting what I needed from my therapist (though I do limit it to working hours contact, and I don't usually contact him outside session more than a couple times a week). But I am comforted by the fact that if I reach out, he will be there. Maybe not instantly, but the next working day, and if he can make time for a call or an extra session if I need it, then I'll get that.

The result is I feel secure and I don't have huge attachment or pain resulting from feeling like I need more time than I can get.

If you have pre-existing attachment /abandonment /anything along those lines issues, you need a therapist who can make you feel secure, and harsh limits on contact do not achieve that.

People say that getting more access encourages dependence, but I don't think so. Once you realize someone has your back, you don't need to constantly reach out to make sure that they're there. But a person who essentially plays the role of the distant emotional contact, punishing you by regarding your needs as somehow toxic to them (which is how it feels when therapists refuse contact outside sessions) is not going to help.

Seriously look at how much this therapist is actually helping you, because you should NOT be in this much pain. My therapist has worked really hard to make sure I don't live with unnecessary discomfort. (Some is inevitable, but not all.) And I don't think anyone should pay for less than that if that's what they need.

Thank you for this, it really resonates with me especially about the ability to treat attachment issues.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Pennster

But I really get the sense it's pretty rare for therapists to use outside contact well, and I think there is a lot of room for damage with not using it well.

I agree. It's a skill or an ability that not every therapist has. Mine told me that when emailing became a thing, therapists were warned not to use it, but that she hasn't had any issues with it. Maybe she's just got the right knack for knowing how to make the most of it without getting lost in the weeds; then again, she is very good about not doing things in a shaming or alienating way.

I don't understand the dependency-creating concern. The more progress I make in therapy, the less I need that contact between session, but it's nice to know it's there.

OP: Have you considered looking for a therapist who responds to between session contact?

[stopdog]

The interesting part to me is that although I see one who has never objected to me writing, the other has actively encouraged me to call. She used to tell me to call her during the week at the end of each appointment. I only called a handful of times and it was never all that useful, but the encouragement to call was there.
That one said she saw it as part of the service paid for by the client.

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The interesting part to me is that although I see one who has never objected to me writing, the other has actively encouraged me to call. She used to tell me to call her during the week at the end of each appointment. I only called a handful of times and it was never all that useful, but the encouragement to call was there.
That one said she saw it as part of the service paid for by the client.

That is a little bit similar to my therapist- he views phone calls as an integral part of the way he works. It's part of the program, not some kind of an extra favor or something.

[WanderingBark]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I agree. It's a skill or an ability that not every therapist has. Mine told me that when emailing became a thing, therapists were warned not to use it, but that she hasn't had any issues with it. Maybe she's just got the right knack for knowing how to make the most of it without getting lost in the weeds; then again, she is very good about not doing things in a shaming or alienating way.

I don't understand the dependency-creating concern. The more progress I make in therapy, the less I need that contact between session, but it's nice to know it's there.

OP: Have you considered looking for a therapist who responds to between session contact?

I've considered it, but I feel like my current T is such a perfect fit in every other way that I don't want to risk losing all the good things for a potentially fleeting need.