[TerriLynn]

I was just reading another post about a person being attached to their T and wishing she were her mom and it occurred to me, that maybe I should have started with a female T? I need the mom thing and I could see that being a good thing, to become attached that way because that is what I was looking for my whole life.

Thoughts?

[precaryous]

This is my experience- I have had male T's and Pdocs in the past and when the positive transference thing occurs...(it's a parent/mom need for me, too) ...it gets all mixed up with male attraction and sex...and it has turned out..well, not good at all.

You can totally have a "mom"/parent positive or negative transference with a male T as I understand it but I have not had a good outcome. Therapy gets derailed.

My PrevT is female. CurrentT is female...I am having good experiences with both. They "get" the need I have. I have not had an erotic transference with either of them....therapy is helping with my issues.

Good luck.

[CopperStar]

My father was physically/sexually abusive and my mother was mentally/emotionally abusive. So I'd probably flip out and attack a male T and then run, and with female T's I always wind up getting transference and then hating them. So I guess I need a genderless T, maybe someone who wraps themselves in a blanket and has a paper bag on their head.

Originally Posted by CopperStar

My father was physically/sexually abusive and my mother was mentally/emotionally abusive. So I'd probably flip out and attack a male T and then run, and with female T's I always wind up getting transference and then hating them. So I guess I need a genderless T, maybe someone who wraps themselves in a blanket and has a paper bag on their head.

I was in a similar boat. My original abuse was in the hands of a husband and wife working together. Either gender has its triggers for me. Fortunately though, both of my parents are wonderful people and their great parenting is probably why I have come out of the whole mess as intact as I am.

I've always worked best with a male therapist though because the particular female therapists I have tried had pretty poor boundaries, divulged way too much personal information too quickly, and immediately treated me as fragile which completely grates on my nerves. For me, T choice has been more about personality type and communication approach than gender. It just so happens that the male T's I have worked with fit that bill.

[NowhereUSA]

I think there are a lot of factors when choosing a T. On one hand, maternal transference and working through it could be healing. Or it could be painful. The hard part is not knowing until you're in the middle of it.

Plus, I imagine to trigger maternal transference there would have to be some kind of personality trait on the part of the T that either reminds you of your mother or reminds you of being motherly.

I work with a male T and have for quite a number of years. I like it that way. But I also don't feel like I need to work through any maternal issues so, that's me. It might be different for you.

[Pennster]

My therapist is a male but he reminds me very much of my mother, who died when I was young. I feel like it doesn't matter all that much for me whether it is a man or a woman in terms of stirring up griefy feelings for my mother once we're working in the neighborhood of my heart. But I imagine for other people it might be different.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I was just reading another post about a person being attached to their T and wishing she were her mom and it occurred to me, that maybe I should have started with a female T? I need the mom thing and I could see that being a good thing, to become attached that way because that is what I was looking for my whole life.

Thoughts?

Honestly, I'm not sure that's a good thing to use therapy for unless you have a therapist who states that reparenting is part of what she does, or that she is comfortable working with maternal transference. I tend to think that what happens in a lot of cases is that the intensity of the emotion gets so strong that it feeds on itself, becoming angsty to the point that feeling normal and secure might seem like depression when compared to the rush of intimacy drama.

I'm not saying those type of therapists aren't out there. Just be careful who you select.

[TerriLynn]

Thanks for all the thoughts!

[ilikecats]

My T is a female and I have both maternal and erotic transference, but mostly maternal. I have a good mom already, but I love feeling this way about my T too. I'm generally pretty uncomfortable around males, so I definitely think it's better for me to have a female T.

[Out There]

I've been happy with my two male Therapists and unhappy with a female , but that was more to do with her being a bad therapist than being a female. I prefer men in general though.

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I was just reading another post about a person being attached to their T and wishing she were her mom and it occurred to me, that maybe I should have started with a female T? I need the mom thing and I could see that being a good thing, to become attached that way because that is what I was looking for my whole life.

Thoughts?

My thoughts.
Women are so much better at this therapeutic lark.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

My thoughts.
Women are so much better at this therapeutic lark.

I don't think it at all has anything to do with gender but I do understand different people work better/feel more comfortable with certain genders. The female T's I tried were, at best, mediocre. The male T's I worked with long term were extremely good. But I think it was just the bad luck of the draw with the women I saw; I'm sure there are amazing ones out there -- I just never encountered one.

[stopdog]

I only hire women, but have never had a mom thing with them.

I prefer male Ts. The first T I went to was female. She was overly sweet - to the point of making me feel like I was a pathetic little girl. Couldn't stand that. I've never experienced parental or erotic transference with my male T.

[gayleggg]

I've had both and don't have a preference. I've had good results with both though different.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've had three female therapists that I've stuck with and thought were excellent . . .with the usual rough patches that everyone has in therapy. I've taken a few male therapists for a test drive when my other therapy relationships ended (1st one retired eight months after I started with her, the 2nd. one ended when I moved across the country, and the 3rd is ongoing).

None of the men worked out. I didn't dislike them, but like people who found the women therapists they tried out too sugary and infantilizing, I found the men too patronizing and a bit over the top in trying to control how things were going to unfold. Since I'm a bit of a control freak myself, I found we didn't click at all. I knew one of the males professionally, and know that he is well respected and MANY people in the community adore him. He just wasn't the right one for me. I'm definitely a person who relates better in a therapeutic situation to female therapists . . . although during my last search, I met more than a few female therapists who would qualify for being duds, if not just plain wacked out crazy!

I think that if you feel that you're relating well to your current therapist and you have a good connection, I'd stick with him. But if you're feeling that something is missing or you're not making the progress you'd like, give a few female therapists a test drive.

[junkDNA]

i had a bad experience with a female T when i was 10 years old. they made me see her right after my dad died. i hated going to see her and asked if i could not go anymore. i hated the attention and her voice, her dumb questions. i have a male T even though my previous T was male and sexually abused me. i thought i could have a corrective experience with another male T and also feel connected to an older male since I didn't have a dad most of my growing up. our relationship has helped me so much on my recovery path. not to say it wasn't rough, though, as the first 3-4 years were very up and down.

[88Butterfly88]

It's a personal choice. I'm a female and prefer talking to another female but that's just me.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I choose female. I get emotionally attached to women, but women are safer than men. I don't want to develop any attachment to men. Too risky. My group T is a male. Been okay so far because he kind of creeps me out. Plus I always make sure there's distance and that he never touches me.

[ChipperMonkey]

I don't think it's ever a good idea to look for a therapist to fill a hole in your life. (Read the threads about suddenly getting dumped by your therapist and you'll know why.). I think it would be beneficial for you to mourn the fact that you never had this mother sort of figure. (I'm going through this right now.) I think a healthier approach would be to find a therapist who can help you find meaningful relationships IRL (yanno, ones you don't have to pay for.)

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

I was just reading another post about a person being attached to their T and wishing she were her mom and it occurred to me, that maybe I should have started with a female T? I need the mom thing and I could see that being a good thing, to become attached that way because that is what I was looking for my whole life.

Thoughts?

In my honest opinion it is not a good idea to choose a female therapist because you have a need for a mother figure. A therapist can not fill that role for you, only help you to grief over not having it and to find other relationships in your life where you could get that need filled. Becoming attached to a T with maternal transference is incredibly painful and hard to overcome. I speak from experience.

My first T when I was much younger was a male and I really liked him and we clicked. My current T is a female and she is the best therapist I have ever had. We click and have a deep connection. I don't think gender matters. If they are the T for you then you will click and be able to work together.

[Tearinyourhand]

female Ts give me the creeps. they also talk way too much about themselves in ways I don't feel like paying for. that's been my experience. I am a girlie girl who is queer and loves women. but those kind of cloying cat lady herbal tea sensible shoe judgy about makeup clingy type women who populate the field (have had a few too many sketchy experiences) have made me say NO THANKS to female therapists.

I like my dude therapists. you can say all kinds of things to them without them getting all up in their feelings about it or wanting to process stupid things because it hurt their maternal ego when you scoffed at their unsolicited advice.

[RedSun]

I wanted female, for various reasons.
But, I think personally that the best T is one that you 'click' with, regardless of gender, age etc. if you do click, and the relationship deepens and expands, those transferences will probably come out to play anyway in one guise or another.

I use to always want a female therapist, because when I was a teen and young adult I was taken to these men that were 60-80. I hated therapy! When I controlled my own therapy I saw only women after that, and it was a mixed bag. The most successful therapy was with a female that I had strong maternal transference with. I used to wish she was my mother. I would be open to anyone; male, female, or transgender that could help me get clear on my presenting issue. I'd even consider a robot if there is empirical evidence that their decent enough therapist.