[atisketatasket]

This gets mentioned a lot in the context of therapy. There was a short interesting sub-discussion in the would you know if your therapist lied to you about whether unconditional positive regard was a therapeutic lie or a therapeutic intervention/technique.

I'm not saying it's either - certainly both of mine did their best to show such a regard for me. Whether it had any effect on me is doubtful.

I'm skeptical that even the most effective therapist can achieve this unconditional positive regard, though. This is mainly because not only does it seem that it would take a lot of work, but it's also not something that comes easily to anyone. I have it for only family and close friends, for instance. I try to have it for students, but it tends to just mean giving them the benefit if the doubt in that context, and my sense is it means something more in therapy.

So: does it exist, is it possible, and does your therapist (try to) utilize it?

[stopdog]

I have no idea what it really means and I think it is so vague as to leaving it wide open for therapists to interpret and apply in any way they want and still say it is happening. As far as I know, I have not seen the therapist utilize it.

[NowhereUSA]

Okay. I googled this and it seems rather in-depth. What's a basic, easy definition to operate under with this?

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Okay. I googled this and it seems rather in-depth. What's a basic, easy definition to operate under with this?

That is an even better question. Around here it seems to mean the therapist accepts a client without judgment or criticism of their thoughts or actions. It's not that the client can do no wrong, it's that the therapist accepts their imperfections.

Someone correct me on this if you know better.

[Pennster]

I think my therapist uses it, though he would frame it more in terms of compassion as that is more in keeping with his orientation. He is really consistent in his compassionate response.

I tend to get a bit confused by the ubiquity of the phrase as its my understanding that not every style of therapy uses this as a framework.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Around here it seems to mean the therapist accepts a client without judgment or criticism of their thoughts or actions. It's not that the client can do no wrong, it's that the therapist accepts their imperfections.

Must say, sounds like an excellent marriage.

It's a total fallacy. Therapists are human and probably more judgmental than most people.

[vonmoxie]

None of the above, but: Yes, and my therapist seems to try to offer it but is too transparent about his more negative feelings to be able to pull it off.

I think it's one of the better ideas to come out of Rogerian psychology, but I don't think every therapist is naturally capable of or suited to providing it. I know many persons of strong and clear conviction who still manage to provide an authentic variety of unconditional positive regard in all kinds of interactions, but my therapist is not one of them.

[unaluna]

I voted yes. We are trying to fool my reptilian brain, which will believe im happy if i paste a smile on my face. We use as many tools as we can; why not?

[yagr]

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

None of the above, but: Yes, and my therapist seems to try to offer it but is too transparent about his more negative feelings to be able to pull it off.

I think it's one of the better ideas to come out of Rogerian psychology, but I don't think every therapist is naturally capable of or suited to providing it. I know many persons of strong and clear conviction who still manage to provide an authentic variety of unconditional positive regard in all kinds of interactions, but my therapist is not one of them.

Agreed, I would just add clearly what I think you have implied. If you can't pull it off convincingly, better to not try.

My therapist usually has very positive regard for me. Howver, if i am being terrible or a jerk she has no problem telling me off & yelling at me, so the unconditional part goes away for a few hours. But then within a few hours she gets over being mad and goes back to the positive part.

[vonmoxie]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

That is an even better question. Around here it seems to mean the therapist accepts a client without judgment or criticism of their thoughts or actions. It's not that the client can do no wrong, it's that the therapist accepts their imperfections.

Someone correct me on this if you know better.

I suppose its founder, Carl Rogers, knew as well as anyone could:

"The central hypothesis of this approach can be briefly stated. It is that the individual has within him or her self vast resources for self-understanding, for altering her or his self-concept, attitudes, and self-directed behavior—and that these resources can be tapped if only a definable climate of facilitative psychological attitudes can be provided."

Through providing unconditional positive regard, humanistic therapists seek to help their clients accept and take responsibility for themselves. Humanistic psychologists believe that by showing the client unconditional positive regard and acceptance, the therapist is providing the best possible conditions for personal growth to the client. (source)

I use it on people all the time, and I don't even get paid. It's a bit like teaching faith by example.

[eskielover]

It's sort of like parenting. I didn't always like the behavior of my daughter & when I helped her correct the behavior that was unacceptable it didn't mean that I loved her any the less because of it. IMO..In many ways that's what a T needs to be is the good parent we never had.

[ChipperMonkey]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

That is an even better question. Around here it seems to mean the therapist accepts a client without judgment or criticism of their thoughts or actions. It's not that the client can do no wrong, it's that the therapist accepts their imperfections.

Someone correct me on this if you know better.

I'm confused

What you describe sounds along the lines of radical acceptance, but radical acceptance is about zero judgment whereas this has the word "positive" in the name.

Offhand I want to say no, it doesn't exist. Therapists are human which means that at some point a client will do/say something that makes them appear in a negative light. To gloss it over with this kind of positivity seems like a major LIE to me.

I'd run from a therapist who practices this.

Sometimes people need a good kick in the arse. Pretending it's all positive runs amok of coddling and touchy-feely....

[velcro003]

I put "none of the above," because i really don't know how that would look? she is supportive of me, and has been nothing but nice to me, so maybe? i have no clue. i also have only been seeing her for 6 months.

[Favorite Jeans]

I would say that my therapist does demonstrate unconditional positive regard for me. She is my first T to do this convincingly. I'm not sure if any of the others even tried. Maybe it was not their thing. The way I experience it is that my point of view and my feelings are reasonable, warranted, allowed etc. It doesn't mean that she'll support any old thing I do but that she'll honour the impulse and feelings behind it.

I think that not being allowed ones feelings or opinions is at the root of a lot low self esteem, depression and poor decision-making. Being told that how you perceive the world is unacceptable or untrue is deeply shaming. So it can be quite powerful and reparative to have a therapist say "yes, I can see why you'd feel that way, that makes sense to me, those feelings are okay."

That's not fake love or insincere cheerleading. It's simply saying that you are welcome in the therapy space just as you are and that you are entitled to your feelings.

[stopdog]

I don't go to a therapist to get kicked. If one tried kicking me, I am fairly certain I would kick right back.

[velcro003]

I just got a mental image of SD and her wily T kicking each other

I align it with the actual image in my head of two of my 2 year olds (i am a preschool teacher) going at it by slapping at each other quite exuberantly.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

I'm confused

What you describe sounds along the lines of radical acceptance, but radical acceptance is about zero judgment whereas this has the word "positive" in the name.

Offhand I want to say no, it doesn't exist. Therapists are human which means that at some point a client will do/say something that makes them appear in a negative light. To gloss it over with this kind of positivity seems like a major LIE to me.

I'd run from a therapist who practices this.

Sometimes people need a good kick in the arse. Pretending it's all positive runs amok of coddling and touchy-feely....

I was just thinking that I could tell my t that I did something far worse than robbing a bank right before showing up for session and she would most likely tell me something to make it all ok. I honestly don't think she would be disgusted or angry with me. That part of my t sucks. Sometimes I want and need that kick in the arse.

[ScarletPimpernel]

My T has told me that there are some things that might make her not want to work with a client. And if there were something, she would refer her client. She has admitted to being judgmental basically. But I like that. I don't have to worry about her being fake.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

I was just thinking that I could tell my t that I did something far worse than robbing a bank right before showing up for session and she would most likely tell me something to make it all ok. I honestly don't think she would be disgusted or angry with me. That part of my t sucks. Sometimes I want and need that kick in the arse.

Would her disgust or anger be useful to you?

If you said "hey you know I need a good kick in the arse today!" would she give it to you?

If I ask for this kind of help, my T will help me identify what steps I might need to take in getting past my inertia. She'll encourage me to take some of them. It's kind of like a kick in the arse but I feel that she's compassionate rather than judgemental about my inertia and overwhelm.

[Pennster]

I fee like I'm horribly self-critical enough. I welcome my therapist's understanding and compassionate responses. I would do very badly with a critical or judgemental therapist.

[ChavInAHat]

I think there will be times it is not possible. They are humans after all.

However, in a situation where there is a good connection between T and client- I think a T would try to see things from the clients point of view and therefore be more positive because they would understand where the client was coming from.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[RedSun]

I believe it is more traditionally trained in counselling rather than psychotherapy, and I said no, because I actually do think that it's nigh on impossible to unconditionally feel positive about the other all the time.
My psychotherapist works relationally, so the work is two person, she is in the therapeutic relationship, and that's different from counselling. She might sometimes feel annoyed, frustrated in our relationship, and sometimes that comes up and we might talk about it if it's relevant. That's not unconditional positivity, but it is helpful for me.

Unconditional positive regard is certainly something a practitioner could aim to hold though, but to me personally it doesn't feel completely honest or achievable, and it feels rather passive as well.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by velcro003

I just got a mental image of SD and her wily T kicking each other

I align it with the actual image in my head of two of my 2 year olds (i am a preschool teacher) going at it by slapping at each other quite exuberantly.

No. 1 did in fact aim a joke-kick at me once when I said something mouthy. Alas, I resisted the urge to respond.

I'm thinking of my two cats swatting at each other!