Love and therapy

Do you seek love in therapy? Has it helped you? Do you say "I love you" to your T? Do they say it back? Do you think love is okay in therapy?

Growing up I was so deprived of love from my parents that I seek it with others. I need to know if people love me. I have told my T that I love her and she tells me that she loves me and it has been healing. My T says that it's healthy and ok to seek love in therapy. I just feel insecure about it.

I did want my T to love me, and tell me that, though I never brought it up.
Not now though. I don't want love from my therapist. I want guidance, support, and yes a sense of being 'held in mind' to some small extent, just as a client.

I don't think I can comment on whether it's okay in anyone else's therapy. If you feel it's helped you, that's great.
I think I know that my T would not say that to a client, she is quite boundaried.
I can see now why I needed that from T. And not getting it (or the sexual relationship I also fantasised about) has shown be lots about how I operate, what my needs are etc, so it's been helpful to me.

Every single session. I tell her. She tells me. In part because I need the security and in part because its just true. I could not trust her with my deepest wounds if she didn't love me. For me love is necessary.

It isn't something I needed from therapy as I am fortunate to have a very supportive and loving family, but I can see how it could be important to some people. So long as a client understands the limitations and perspective of that love that is probably okay. I think where it can become a problem is when more or a different kind of love is sought out from the therapist than is either available or appropriate.

I guess at the end of the day it is love I desire. But it's a feeling more than a word that I experience.

In my opinion love has many definitions. I personally do not think love is healthy in therapy. Any type of love. Others have a different opinion. I think a person could end up being more hurt if they believe their therapist loves them.

I agree with this.
I would never tell my therapist that I love them it would make me feel uncomfortable.

My T has said "therapy doesn't work without love." She didn't say that on its own, she had other things included in it... but my T has told me in the past that she loves me. I really wish I could hear it now, but she won't say it. We had a rupture in March, and shortly after, I noticed other things were kind of being "taken away," and the use of the word love was one of those things. So I brought it up to her. She said, as my therapist, she "has love" for me, but that that word is reserved for her family and personal life, and that saying it wouldn't be "genuine." She never said it on her own, just in response to me. But after the genuine comment, I of course figured she was always then just telling me what she thought I wanted to hear, and she didn't really mean it. Two weeks after that conversation, when she said she wouldn't be using that word, she said it. I don't know what hit her...but it was the first time she'd ever initiated it. I did have a rough session, which wasn't uncommon, and we were both leaving after my session, so she walked out with me. We were looking at some plants, and I mentioned how I "loved them." She gave me a hug and told me she loved ME. I was very touched by that, hugged her tighter, and said it back. Never heard it again. But I was touched by it because she had never initiated it before. And she said it after telling me just two weeks earlier that she wouldn't be. This was 6 months ago, and I've not heard it since. I would really like to, and I feel like such a loser wanting it from a therapist. It might be different if I "felt" love from her, but I don't. She went from very bonded and attached to me to more aloof, business-like. I don't feel love in her words and actions like I used to. It has been a hard loss. Very hard, and for some reason, I've really wanted to hear it from her the past couple/few weeks. I've wanted to ask her, but I don't have the guts. She'd probably just go into the genuine speech again.

Things she did helped me feel loved. Nice, healing hugs after a session, her genuine concern/care, and initiating Emails/texts, just to check in and see how I'm doing. None of those things happen anymore. I feel quite UNloved. And again, beating myself up because I'm seeking love in therapy. How effing pathetic can a person be? I know, here I go again. But it's what I feel.

I wish I could forget all of the memories of how she used to be, and just accept her for how she is now. I'd be much better. But those changes were incredibly hard on me. I miss the T she used to be. I think she got too attached, realized it, and pushed away. I'm stuck paying the price. And not healing from it, which is why I have a first session with a new T next week. Merry Christmas to me.... possibly getting a new therapist for Christmas. Bay, you and I seem SO much alike..... I would thrive, I'm sure, with a therapist like yours. I often think of where I would be now had she not changed her boundaries. It hurts to think that way.

I'm a big fan of love, but, I'll be the first to admit it can be hard as he**. And confusing, especially in the therapy world. My t has always said she believes that we (humans) are love. Love is the core of who we are. Somehow that has helped me to accept love from and for my t, but it took a long time.

Yes, my t and I tell each other "I love you" every few weeks now. When I first started therapy with current t, I never expected to experience love with her, and certainly not more than on a casual level. By that I mean deeper than casual, and the wholesome, pure love -- not romantic or anything.

T's love has essentially wound up being a lifesaver for me. That's just my case. I don't think love in therapy is necessary. It certainly is ok in therapy, and it most surely is great when both parties (t and client) understand the correct level of love that exists.

No - I don't for myself. If the concept is not unagreeable to others -I have no reason to tell them they are wrong.
For me, I don't know why I would to therapy for such a thing. The big thing is that I would never look to a therapist for their permission about such a thing - I don't think whether a therapist says it is okay or not is the thing that makes it so.

No I never seek love from therapist and I certainly believe therapy works without love involved. I am not in therapy to replace something I am missing in real life. I needed therapy to help me identify what I might be missing and how I can become aware of it and obtain whatever is that I want, but in real life not with my therapist. I don't believe therapist can or should replace whatever is that we need in life. I don't find it useful or productive. I find it much more useful if a therapist facilitates and maybe guides one way or the other so we can be fulfilled in life.

. If one is missing love or security or friendships or relationships or success etc I think good therapists would focus on helping clients obtain that in their work family love life etc I think of therapists who solely focus on clients being attached to them as unprofessional.

Kind of like some parents want kids stay attached all the way into adulthood and they raise their kids with failure to launch and make sure all their needs are being met with mommy. Hence those 40-year olds that still live in moms basements unable to function. Bad parenting. That's what I think of therapists who do not facilitate clients growth outside of therapy room

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I'd be very uncomfortable having anyone tell me they love me when I am paying them to spend time with me.

My therapist and i say i love you just about every time we talk.

I do want my T to love me, and eventually say it. I haven't said it to her yet, though I absolutely love her. I feel like it can be helpful for some people, and it would be helpful to me.

I am very attached to t1, but I never say, nor does he, "I love you". He goes the extra mile for me on a regular basis and has for years. I prefer that to hearing "I love you". I guess I would spend too much time trying to figure out exactly what that meant. I prefer "I am here for you" with actions that show it

Love from a therapist had never crossed my mind. I am fortunate to have had a mother, friends, husband, children and other relatives who live me. The only live I missed it on is my dad's and I know that will never happen.

I care deeply for t and I know she cares about me but for me that would complicate our relationship. We have pretty loose boundaries but work hard to keep it safe.

i always think these questions are so interesting, and the range of people's experiences is so vast. I have a lot of love for my therapist, and I feel loved by him as well. I tend to feel a lot of love for my friends and family and other people that I know.

Maybe I define love very broadly? I don't know. But for me it feels very simple and normal. I kind of expect love in my therapy relationship because I expect it in most of my relationships. For me, it would be weird if this relationship where I shared my deepest secrets and we both work so hard on alleviating my troubles wasn't marked by a lot of love.

But I feel like I learn so much from reading about how other people don't feel or don't want or don't care about love in their therapy. We are all looking for such different things.

No, I don't seek love in therapy.

I do think our concept of love is limited by language in many ways but honestly, I am very content to operate under the assumption that my T cares about his job, cares about his clients (and thereby me) and then goes home at the end of the day leaving "us" at the office.

That being said, my T and I have been through a lot together and I'm one of his few long term clients. We've admitted an attachment and a degree of caring, but if the word "love" came up... I'd be out of there. I'd feel like his attachment had gotten to be too much. Right now, it feels healthy and normal (that is, I went through a significant experience that lasted for several years and you just can't go through something like that with another person and not feel *something* towards them to some degree).

However, him caring about me as my therapist, even if it is more than he does with other clients, is still well within boundaries.

I used to want ex-T to love me. She told me her concern comes from a place of love, and that she wanted me to feel safe and loved in her presence. She let me borrow her book Wisdom from the Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck which discussed a lot about love. And this from Dr. Peck:
But... I know better now. I don't want to be loved by my T. And I don't want to love her. Ex-T broke my heart. I trusted her 100%. I gave her my all. I thought she loved me. I def loved her. I still do. And all it has done is caused pain. I think people keep trying to get a T to fit a role in their life that they don't fit in. They're like other roles (teacher, friend, parent, etc), but they aren't. The therapeutic relationship is like no other.

Now, I hope my T likes me. I hope she cares. But I think love kills the therapeutic relationship.

I didn't seek it, actually I really resisted the notion that that was acceptable and always rolled my eyes at it. Then I stumbled onto it, and it destabilized and ultimately ruined the therapy. Granted, I don't think the feelings ruined anything, I think the mutual rationalizations, the fear, guilt, avoidance and denial did.

I don't think it can't exist, but when it truly does exist it's a powerful force for both parties and can cause a lot of pain, just be careful... T does not owe the client love, even if the client needs it, and cannot provide that as part of the service.

It must feel good and healing to find love, after a childhood deprived of love. Your T sounds very kind, caring and open. Your relationship sounds very close and loving.

Same as you I like to feel loved in therapy. Feeling loved makes me feel warm and hopeful inside, and gives me energy to go forward in life. I say I LOVE YOU all the time, but T doesn't say it back with words, but she acts like she does through her warmth and caring.

i don't know that i actively seek it, but.... i do feel it from t within the framework of the therapy relationship. it took me a long time to understand that. i have told her that i love her often over the years, she always says something like "there is a kind of love in the therapeutic relationship" but she never specifically said 'i love you'. and she also has said that she believes that therapy doesn't work without the relationship, without the loving feelings, but that it's not a personal kind of love. Or something like that. I confess my feelings still confuse me a little where she is concerned.

It does feel good to have found love. I have found it in a good friend, my husband and my T. My relationship with my T is very close and loving. The main thing is that even though I tell my T I love her and she says she loves me, its very healthy. I know its a kind of therapy love but also genuine love.

I am glad your T shows she loves you through her actions. Its almost better to feel it and see it through actions than to hear it. Especially from a therapist.

Yes, your relationship with your T does sound very warm, genuine and healthy. I loved your idea of a journal to let T know how much she's helped you! Was it thick, did you write on every page? Did you draw any pictures? Sounds like she loved it a lot. Your T is lucky to have you.

Thank you so much. Yes, my T really loved the journal. She looked like she was going to cry as she was reading it and looked so genuinely touched. It was a smaller journal. I didn't write on every page but I just listed all the ways that therapy has helped me and how she is an amazing therapist. Then at the end of the list I wrote her a personal message telling her how much she means to me and how I feel and thanking her for everything she does. I wanted something I could give her that showed the gratitude I feel for how much she does for me and something that she could look at when she has a bad day so she is reminded of what a wonderful person/therapist she is. I didn't draw any pictures. I can't draw and I wanted it to be just writing. Her face when I gave it to her made me feel so good. That was a gift to me! Thank you so much for the kind words! I think your T is lucky to have you as well!