I guess I should feel fortunate this had never happened before.
I arrived for the last session for 2 weeks.
I can sense changes in people. Very alert to that sort of thing. Had to growing up, it was a matter of life or death.
I could tell T had a cold. We sat down.
Then.....I dunno, everything I tried to say I felt T was digging at me. I told her this, said I don't really feel like staying here today, I feel you're - and with that I made a poking motion -digging at me.
I added, I had a sense before this that you are not really here today.
T said, I've got a cold. I replied, yes I can tell, you could have cancelled. T said, but I felt I was well enough to work.
Now don't get me wrong, I've been with T for 12yrs. She's an ace T. Maybe that makes all of this feel much worse.
She said it would be better to stay. I asked why? T said, because it's the last session before Xmas and don't you think we can sort this out.
I said, I dunno. Ptoberbly make it worse.
Silence..T asked what's going on? By now only 20mims of session had passed. I said, I'm thinking I really want to get out of here. I added almost pleadingly, that I had loads to do at home, if I leave early I can get on with it. With that, I stood up. T stood up and touched my hand with the side of hers and said "listen, I don't want to charge you for this session ".
I said,"no that's OK don't be silly and dropped the cash on her shelve just beside her and then left.
I feel sad now. I know there's enough good between us not to be mortified by today, but I've got all sorts of thoughts going around in my head, such as, is she fed up with listening to me whine after all these years. I feel very aware of the role between us. She the paid listener. Me the 'user'.
But then my head said what T would say to that, feeling I'm responsible in someway for today is a way of getting to control it. When in reality it is just about T not feeling 100%.

[peaches100]

Hi Mouse,

Sorry to hear your session didn't go well. I hate it when a session ends just not feeling right. It's even worse before a break.

I can relate to feeling like a burden or user also when it comes to my t. But has she ever said or done anything to indicate that she feels that way about you? I've found that when I feel that way, it is usually coming from inside me.

Is it possible that you needed some way to distance yourself from t emotionally, knowing that you won't see her for 2 weeks?

Not sure it was just about me distancing myself - though that's quiet possible to be part of it - for T to offer not to charge, I think she was aware there was something not quite right with her too

So sorry, Mouse. I've wanted to leave a session early, but never had the courage to get up and leave. Hope things go better at your next session.

So, this is beginnig to bring me down. I'm going from depression to Anger.
I tried to be the big person and tell myself T is really under the weather. Then I see she's changed her FB cover photo. That makes me think, she's got energy to sit and do that. I thought maybe she'd maybe have sent me some form of communication about what went wrong, or something. I fantasize her scooping me up in someway.
Then I swing to fears she's running out of the 'want' to carry on being a T. She's 61. I think this because the session before this last one, I begun by saying "I don't want to talk". T replied "sorry I just had a thought that if you don't want to talk we could play charades, I'm sorry I was behing facetious ".
I said, what's that mean? You mean vicious?"
T said, "no,no" them my brain kicked in and I knew what she meant.
I said half jokingly when she made another odd remark, "what is the matter with you today?".
T said, "I know sorry, it's probably because I put up my Xmas tree yesterday ".
I felt a little disrespected but it passed.
But now putting that together with what happened Monday, all sorts of thoughts and hurt are going through my head.
Oh well. It is what it is, I guess.

I'm sorry you're hurting, _Mouse.

I think you are adding 2 and 3 and makng 7.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I think you are adding 2 and 3 and makng 7.

I'm just working out my own thoughts ams feelings on this. There is no sum.