[AnxiousGirl]

So as most of you probably know Ive been seeing a therapist for a year (I'm 20 now) for anxiety. I usually go weekly unless my T has something to do or im busy with something. So last week I was supposed to see my T but I had a very rough week (my previous thread) and I cancelled. Thankfully my T didn't really think much of it or make me come in which I really respected. I had a session yesterday and as soon as I got there my T asked why I cancelled and what had happened. I told her maybe 40% of the truth of why I was so upset and stuff. Throughout the session my T kept mentioning to me how "stressed" I look and if theres anything I wanted to tell my T. I just repeated myself and told my T all the stress was from school (most was but more had something to do with some other things that have been going on). The entire session I was quiet and my T kept mentioning the "stressed" look I had. So I left and I dont have a session next week but I do the week after. I get these urges to email T and say the that I was hiding something and want to talk about it next time but then when I think more deeply into that, I chicken out and say that it's embarrassing to admit to my T and I rather keep it to myself even though it's killing me inside. It's not that I dont trust my T, I do a lot. It's that I dont want to admit that I have something bothering me. I know it sounds stupid. I just really really feel hopeless and sad because of all of this. Thats why yesterday I was so quiet in session and stuff.

What do I do? Clearly my T noticed something was up yesterday but thankfully we didn't get into that.

[atisketatasket]

What I do when I want to tell someone something very badly but I'm not sure I should is draft the email, save it in the drafts folder, leave the send field blank (so it doesn't accidentally get sent). Then, if after a little bit I still want to send it, it's ready to go.

Also, remember your therapist can't "make" you do anything, especially not come to therapy. You're an adult, under your own control.

[Inner_Firefly]

You have been through so much, sounds like a very tough week. You trust T but still it's hard to be completely open and honest sometimes. Maybe it takes time to sort things out in your mind, and you will share when you feel ready. Your T sounds very concerned, and she will probably be eager to hear everything you say the week after.

[AnxiousGirl]

My T will love it if I talked about what I've been hiding for so long but it's just too hard to talk about.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think the best thing you can do is tell your T everything and not hold back. She can only help you if you tell her what is going on. She seems to really care about you and wants to know what happened. You could email her and get it all out or write it down and have her read it at your next session. I hope it works out for you.

[Pennster]

I agree with Cinnamon Stick. Your therapist can't help you if she doesn't know what is going on. I also think most therapists like to hear about the seamy underside of your brain. Lots of them live for that stuff. And generally when you tell people things that make you feel vulnerable, they feel closer to you and you feel closer to them - it doesn't tend to be a bad thing. It's a good thing, usually, as long as the other person is worthy of hearing your real thoughts.

When I tell my therapist something that is making me really sad, I feel unburdened, and like I don't have to go through it all alone anymore. But I imagine it must be really hard if you don't feel like you can do that. Maybe like cinnamon stick suggests you could try emailing it to her? I think she would appreciate hearing it, from the way you describe your relationship.

[AnxiousGirl]

I did think about the emailing idea but that's also what is causing me to feel really down lately. I think that all the school stress I went through over the past month just triggered almost everything else in my life that's just been on my mind 24/7 lately. My T did seem concerned about my look a lot yesterday but again I hid most of it. I was thinking maybe I could email T saying there is something I want to talk about next session but the more I think about it, the more I dont want to send the email. It's tough this time.

[DaveyJones]

I think just getting it out there is half the therapy. It can be a great release. It also lets her know that you trust her, a big step. There's really no reason to be embarrassed, no matter what. I changed from a man about my age, a bit older (I'm a guy) and wound up with the nicest and smartest lady I could hope for. I went in and decided that I would start off by coming clean, dumping everything, good, bad, embarrassing or even shameful, stuff I hadn't told my previous t in seven years all out in the very first session. I've only seen her three or four times but we have had very lively, interesting sessions, and she has helped me a lot so far, I'm trying new therapies, she gives me homework, very pleased so far. I could tell she was pretty surprised, I guess most folks take it more step by step. But now it's all out there in a pile, we can pick through the mess and look for shiny objects. I think it will be good.