[divine1966]

My t advised me ( yes they don't suppose to advise and she normally wouldn't but I kind of begged for suggestions plus it goes with the reason I am in therapy) to not get engaged too soon. We haven't been together long enough and she insisted it has to be an year, it hasn't been.

Well I did get engaged few days ago. I have no doubts in my mind and things are great.

I am going to see t next week or week after. I sent her a text and told her about my engagement and attached a pic of us just being excited. My text was about scheduling appointment ( that's the only reason I communicate to her outside of session) but I included info about engagement. I've been in therapy primarily due to unhealthy relationship patterns and she has been great help in facilitating my growth.

I am now terrified she is pissed or upset with me. Ugh. She hasn't replied and she is always prompt ugh I wonder what her reaction is going to be and what if she says I am doing it all wrong ugh

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[atisketatasket]

It's your life, isn't it? What I've observed is that of relationships that get serious very early, some are just fine and some aren't. Likewise, friends who took years to get engaged or married - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I assume she probably has some grounds for her concern - does this have anything to do with your reasons for being in therapy? But the insistence on a specific timeframe (a year? Kind of Victorian) is a little rigid.

I assume she hasn't met your fiance, so she hasn't seen the two of you together. I'd rely much more on the opinions of friends and family who know both of you and are in a better position to judge.

I would hear her out on the subject, but...it is your life.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Sometimes you just know early on in relationships that it is meant to be and they are "the one". I think you should talk to your therapist about this. I agree to hear her out but she should be happy for you and support your decision. It is your life and your choice. I would not like it if my T was telling me its to early and not supportive of my decision even if she doesn't agree with it.

[NowhereUSA]

Well given that you pressed for her opinion as opposed to her giving you unsolicited advice, I don't think she'd be upset or pissed (although I find it odd she insisted on a specific time frame, but whatever). Honestly, even if a T doesn't think it's a good idea, getting upset at a client is unprofessional. And, to take that a step further, if she's giving you the silent treatment or acting out at you by not replying to your text *because* she's upset, I would run to a new T faster than you could say, "Find a new T."

If she's professional, then she's probably just got some benign reason why she hasn't replied. It's been a holiday weekend with another holiday weekend coming up. Who knows what's going on?

I don't know you or your fiance. I would hope that you have people in your life whose counsel you trust who would be honest enough with any red flags. A short courtship is more of a yellow flag IMO - that is, something to just say "Hey, take a second to make sure there aren't any other yellow or even red flags."

I had a very quick courtship. It was a year from our first email to our wedding and we've been married for over a decade and we have a great marriage. There are factors to that - I've seen it all different which ways - quick or not - and I've seen successes and failures. Time isn't always a good indicator of which it will be.

[divine1966]

Thank you guys! I worried for nothing. I often live my life worrying about what others think. Being constantly guilty and fearful. My t knows I do this because of how I was brought up: worrying and usually for nothing and seeking approvals. That's another thing I work in therapy.

My t just replied with congratulations and that she is very happy for me and she knows we are happy with each other and that all is well. What a relief. She has family out of town so she hasn't been checking her phone as much. Oh life is back to normal.

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

It's your life, isn't it? What I've observed is that of relationships that get serious very early, some are just fine and some aren't. Likewise, friends who took years to get engaged or married - sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

I assume she probably has some grounds for her concern - does this have anything to do with your reasons for being in therapy? But the insistence on a specific timeframe (a year? Kind of Victorian) is a little rigid.

I assume she hasn't met your fiance, so she hasn't seen the two of you together. I'd rely much more on the opinions of friends and family who know both of you and are in a better position to judge.

I would hear her out on the subject, but...it is your life.

I don't have a tendency to jump into relationships. But I have been with unhealthy men ( very awesome on surface but not good partners) my whole life until i started therapy. Every man was exact replica of my father.

My t helped me to recognize signs and be aware etc she mentioned a year because she wanted me to see him in many different situations to make sure it's a good match, she said it takes about a year. I am turning 50 and this is the first man who is nothing like my father. She wanted me to be happy and not suffer with wrong men.

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Well given that you pressed for her opinion as opposed to her giving you unsolicited advice, I don't think she'd be upset or pissed (although I find it odd she insisted on a specific time frame, but whatever). Honestly, even if a T doesn't think it's a good idea, getting upset at a client is unprofessional. And, to take that a step further, if she's giving you the silent treatment or acting out at you by not replying to your text *because* she's upset, I would run to a new T faster than you could say, "Find a new T."

If she's professional, then she's probably just got some benign reason why she hasn't replied. It's been a holiday weekend with another holiday weekend coming up. Who knows what's going on?

I don't know you or your fiance. I would hope that you have people in your life whose counsel you trust who would be honest enough with any red flags. A short courtship is more of a yellow flag IMO - that is, something to just say "Hey, take a second to make sure there aren't any other yellow or even red flags."

I had a very quick courtship. It was a year from our first email to our wedding and we've been married for over a decade and we have a great marriage. There are factors to that - I've seen it all different which ways - quick or not - and I've seen successes and failures. Time isn't always a good indicator of which it will be.

I very much agree with everything you said

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[NowhereUSA]

I will add congrats! Forgot to mention that part XD

[Ambra]

Hi, I'm too late for the topic but I wanted to congratulate with you!!! I wish you two all the best and am glad it's all ok with your T..

[LonesomeTonight]

Congrats!!! Glad you heard back from T!

[rainbow8]

Congratulations!! I'm glad your T had a reason not to respond right away!

[divine1966]

Awe thank you so much my PC friends!

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[Cinnamon_Stick]

I am so glad your T responded and she is happy for you! You have a good therapist!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I am so glad your T responded and she is happy for you! You have a good therapist!

Thank you Cinnamon and yes she is good. We did some hard work in the beginning a year and a half ago (exploring dynamics of my family of origin and how it caused my unhealthy interactions with men), some work was hard with many tears and some revelations. Now I only see her monthly the most just kind of run things by her. I
wish I met her years ago when I first did therapy. No work was done. Either t was wrong or I was in a wrong place then.

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[ShaggyChic_1201]

Congrats! I wonder if you might consider bringing fiancé to meet your T? Your T knows you super well and wants what is good for you. If it's this person, you'll get T's nod of approval and you can feel good that you've learned to recognize the signs of a bad relationship and avoided them this time. If your T has less-than-positive things to say, you can talk about them.

Please. I know you don't know me, but I have so many regrets from a bad experience that I feel compelled to save other people, or give them a chance to save themselves.

I'm sorry - I don't make any sense. I got triggered and shouldn't be writing this now. I really do wish you nothing but joy and happiness. But if it's the right guy, there's no harm in meeting T and going thru the third degree, so to speak.

Congrats on your engagement. so glad your T replied.

Congratulations on your engagement!

[nervous puppy]

Congrats on your engagement!
I'm glad your T had a positive response!

[brillskep]

No one other than your therapist will know what she thinks, but what I can give you is my personal opinion.

First of all, therapist or not, no one other than you has the right to make such decisions for your life. You can receive advice but you are not obligated to follow through. I understand the need for a suggestion and I occasionally ask my therapist for advice for the same reason, but I don't see it as an obligation to do as he says.

Personally I think even a year would be too little (for me) to get engaged - I would do that after at least 3 years. But that is just me and my life. I have heard of people getting married after a few days (okay, that was extreme, but you get the idea) and others choose to live together without ever being official. This is very personal and only you can make the decision because only you will face the consequences toyour actions. I think every therapist needs to respect that autonomy. If your therapist gets upset that you did something different from what she suggested, that is her issue and not yours.

[brillskep]

By the way, I don't know what this is like for you, but personally I have experienced needing to hear a piece of advice for someone in order to then become clear that it wasn't what I needed to do. So I think sometimes advice can work like that too.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ShaggyChic_1201

Congrats! I wonder if you might consider bringing fiancé to meet your T? Your T knows you super well and wants what is good for you. If it's this person, you'll get T's nod of approval and you can feel good that you've learned to recognize the signs of a bad relationship and avoided them this time. If your T has less-than-positive things to say, you can talk about them.


Please. I know you don't know me, but I have so many regrets from a bad experience that I feel compelled to save other people, or give them a chance to save themselves.


I'm sorry - I don't make any sense. I got triggered and shouldn't be writing this now. I really do wish you nothing but joy and happiness. But if it's the right guy, there's no harm in meeting T and going thru the third degree, so to speak.

Thank you. Good suggestion

I have no worries that relationship is bad. It's very good.

I thought of that actually ( what you said) but I only see t once a month ( I work two jobs). And that's my therapy time

. My fiancée did many years of CBT and is not opposed to therapy including couples therapy. If we ever feel the need we would do couple therapy. Right now we are good. Oh I do tell him what my t says about this or that. He listens.

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by brillskep

By the way, I don't know what this is like for you, but personally I have experienced needing to hear a piece of advice for someone in order to then become clear that it wasn't what I needed to do. So I think sometimes advice can work like that too.

Yup. Sometimes it does work this way!. This time around it was just the timing worked well and was no need to wait.

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by brillskep

No one other than your therapist will know what she thinks, but what I can give you is my personal opinion.

First of all, therapist or not, no one other than you has the right to make such decisions for your life. You can receive advice but you are not obligated to follow through. I understand the need for a suggestion and I occasionally ask my therapist for advice for the same reason, but I don't see it as an obligation to do as he says.

Personally I think even a year would be too little (for me) to get engaged - I would do that after at least 3 years. But that is just me and my life. I have heard of people getting married after a few days (okay, that was extreme, but you get the idea) and others choose to live together without ever being official. This is very personal and only you can make the decision because only you will face the consequences toyour actions. I think every therapist needs to respect that autonomy. If your therapist gets upset that you did something different from what she suggested, that is her issue and not yours.

She isn't upset ( I posted yesterday about her reply). I agree it would be her issue if she got mad

As about choices how long to date etc we aren't a young couple at all. We are 50 , both were married and both have adult children. I had many relationships including living with someone for many years not married. We saw all there is to see. and finally are with right people.

yeah I'd advice young couples to date a bit longer too. My daughter dated her now husband about a year and a half bur they knew they will be married after few months.

Thank you!


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[PinkFlamingo99]

Congrats!!! Happy for you!