Who should decide on the topics you talk about?

I started wondering about something. Recently I wanted to talk to my T about my job search. It was more or less a request I had before we started the conversation.

Then while we were talking, T asked about my plans for the holidays. I told I'd (have to) go visit my parents. I have a lot of family issues, so my T said she wanted me to be safe. So she also wanted to talk about that. I understand the concern. But I rather wanted to avoid the subject.

So I wondered: is it T's job to decide on the topics you talk about (to a certain degree)? In a way I feel that T should be able to, because I'm showing behavior that is not supporting me (= visiting my parents). So of course she wants to keep me from doing those things. If she'd just let me sabotage myself, why do I see a T?
On the other hand, I felt as if my request hasn't really been respected though.

So, my question: Do you think it's up to you to decide on what to talk about? Or is it up to your T?

I think a lot of them will insist on safety issues first. Last time I cut, I begged her not to talk about it or make a big deal of it and she said that she'll always address my safety before anything else. I think there's limits to that though. Would your family issues put you at serious risk?

My t lets me lead the conversation, unless he is concerned about my safety or he has a specific concern he wants to discuss with me. It sounds like your T knew the holidays would be a trigger for you and didn't want to encourage you to avoid something so important. Although my t allows me to lead our discussion, he would want to discuss the most pressing issue, especially if I was avoiding it. His methods would be different, though. He would ask me directly what I was avoiding.

T always asks where I want to start, and we go from there. He can tell if I am avoiding a topic and sometimes may push me to talk about it. But I generally lead the conversation.

It is your therapy so you should decide what you want to talk about. It sounds like your t is doing a good job of bringing up the topics you would rather not talk about because usually there is a lot to talk about here instead of what you want to talk about.
I think your t is doing a good job at directing your sessions in the direction it needs to go and not nessecarily in the direction you want it to go. A lot of ts just take the easy route and allow clients to avoid the difficult stuff and it takes courage to keep bringing them back.
Did you find it useful when your t guided you in this direction?

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It kind of goes both ways, so I voted we just see how the conversation goes. Generally it is me, but T might steer session a certain direction based on what we happen to be talking about.

I think a therapist has a professional obligation to ensure a client's safety and therefore the right to ask about such matters. If one of mine knew I was going to be in a bad situation and did not show interest or concern, I think I'd be concerned about their ethics.

Otherwise, topics of conversation should be the client's choice.

I was writing a reply but deleted it just now cause I think you say it better; I second this opinion.

I think a good therapist knows the sort of things someone trying to deal with X might talk about to help.
The first one I see is total crap at it - or at least pretends to be- she was so awful that after spending quite awhile trying to determine what she was doing and how it related to X and having her constantly refuse to explain - I simply took X away from her. I still have X but no longer try to resolve it with that one. I refused to guess at what I should talk about so I simply told the woman to quit talking altogether and I use her for a completely different purpose.

The second is much better at dealing with X and knowing what sorts of things to ask.
So I believe I do get to talk about whatever I want - but I do think they should have some knowledge about what to talk about for X matters.

I had the same situation happen to me during my last session. I started talking about something and my T said she wanted to talk about the holidays and how I would cope and stay safe. I didn't want to talk about it but my safety was at risk. We talked enough to make sure I would stay safe and then my T said we could talk about something else. My T always lets me lead the conversation unless my safety is at risk.

I think you should be able to lead therapy unless your safety is at risk. You have a good T that was concerned about you.

I think a good therapist allows the client to pick the topics of conversation, but also that a good therapist knows when a client is trying to avoid something that needs to be talked about and doesn't mind trying to get said client to see that (and to possibly even talk about it a little) ...

Hope that made some kind of sense!

For me, if I knew what to talk about to fix X - I would not need a therapist.

I think the client should be the one who gets to decide, but sometimes the T should stear the client a bit. If a T notice that the client avoids real talk or avoids a certain topic, then the T should talk to the client about it. And sometimes the T can ask about a topic that was brought up in earlier sessions and ask how it's going with that.

I can decide what I want to talk about, it's my therapy and my T would be glad if I was the one to lead the session and the one who decides what to talk about. My T wants me to ''lead'' the session. But it's still a bit hard for me to do that. Usually a session starts with me telling how my week was or how I feel. And then we go from there.

The fact that human beings are not omniscient is the only thing that keeps the profession going.

Usually she'll ask me how I am and then she'll ask me if I have used any behaviors or had urges to use behaviors. Then she let's me choose where I want to go. That is hard because I hate starting conversations. Once we get going sometimes she'll add stuff to push a topic or to help to get me to talk more.

I agree. I also like it when my therapist asks me at the start of a session if there's anything in particular I have on my agenda. So we start with that, then once it seems resolved he will mention things from previous sessions and bring that up. It's not always safety stuff, more so patterns that tie my personality issues together.

In my "relationship" with my therapist I choose the topics.

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For me, I don't see it this way. They have nothing to do with my safety or not, for me. I don't really know what kind of bad situation would be any of their business unless it related to why I was seeing them and they were willing to explain how it matched up. Them showing interest and concern is not for me. Concern especially is right out -it is not their place to be concerned about me.

I decide what to talk about or we just see where the conversation goes. Sometimes T brings up things he thinks are important. I wish he'd do it more; I'd much rather be told X than waffle about for 6 months while I figure it out for myself.

And I'm with ATAT on the T's professional obligation. If I buzz into the room with a shaved head and plane tickets to Thailand, babbling about becoming a monk, I don't want T to say "Mmhmm. And how do you feel about that?"

We usually make a list of things to talk about together, although we never manage to talk about everything on the list. T gives most of the input, among other reasons because she usually says "oh, you emailed about x, let's talk about x". So it's still sort-of my input, she's just the one voicing it.

I think this is up to each individual client. Within a few sessions, a dynamic will probably have established itself when the client has settled in and the therapist has had time to adjust their approach to said client accordingly.

My sessions with my private therapist are quite different from those with my uni therapist. My private therapist often stays silent for some time after I have sat down in her office, and if I still haven't said anything after a minute or so she'll ask me what seems important for me to talk about that day. Or I'll realise that my mind has gone blank and I'll start cracking up, and she'll look at me like maybe I've lost my marbles and then she'll laugh, too. She then mostly lets me lead the session from there. She is very gentle in her approach, and will often just listen.

My sessions with my uni therapist are of a different nature. She always starts out by asking me how I am. If I say I'm okay, or just say I'm tired, she won't accept it. "Tell me the truth," she'll demand. She won't let me get away with anything less than the truth, and she reads me so well I can't pretend with her at all. (I don't know why I still try, hah.) The thing about this one is that she's concerned all the time. She'll know something's up, and then she worries. She also likes to challenge me. If she thinks I am being unfair to myself, she'll "object", and sometimes that can be the start of a 20-minute argument where I criticise myself and she defends me (which actually sounds pretty hilarious right now). She doesn't let go of things until they've been resolved (which usually means for me to have listened to and agreed with her!). We are both quite stubborn, but I don't mind it because I learn so much about myself from my sessions with her, even from our slightly ridiculous arguments. And she is almost always right, which is annoying at times, but only for about five minutes until the reality of it hits me and I realise I really needed to be told that I was wrong!

If I didn't appreciate my uni therapist's approach, I'm sure I would have told her so, as I have been annoyed with her a couple of times in the past and have had no problems telling her about it. I just happen to really appreciate the fact that she sometimes takes charge and forces me to become aware of all the ways I self-destruct. I let her do that because it helps me. So I do believe it is mostly about the therapist-client dynamic; how the relationship has evolved, what connection you have and what patterns have developed. I also think you learn from what has or hasn't worked in the past between the two of you.

There should be some kind of balance to it, though, and I don't let my uni therapist bulldoze me. I argue back if I think she's wrong, and she encourages that, but in the end she's usually right anyway. At the end of the day, however, I am in therapy because I don't know how to fix myself and I need help, and sometimes that means just listening to my therapist and letting her steer me in the right direction. I can't rely on myself - that's why she's there.

I don't think it matters, but I do believe a client has a right to back off on a topic and tackle it another day. If client refuses, and it's an important part of why they are in therapy at this time, I believe the therapist has the duty to point that out, even if it is more than once.

What would you want one of them to say? Seriously -I don't know why it would be their place to say anything at all nor what one of them could say to me about such a thing that would matter to me. I am not trying to be argumentative, I am trying to figure out what is meant.

The T's job is to try to identify what is bothering you and holding you back and make sure her time (which is expensive :-) is used well. My T would not do any chit chat or talk about other people or things "outside" the therapy room and issues we had identified as being what I needed to talk about. She listened for my affect/any interest/lack of interest :-) in whatever we were talking about and "followed" that.

All that being said, you are in charge of what you talk about but if you want your therapist "along" for the conversation, that does kind of need agreement? You can say, "I'd rather not talk about that right now" and pick another subject, it is not like there's only one problem in one's life, LOL. But an outside subject like work and what other people said and did, etc. is like the two of you looking at a picture or book together, not directly related to you and your own problems right now interacting and communicating with others but some other world "over there". Your therapist isn't interested in those other people, you and she can't do anything about them and what they do; she wants to talk with you, about you.

I decide. My t once brought I subject I didn't feel like discussing and I said I'd rather not talk about it and she said it's ok. But that's nothing safety related though.

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