[rainbow8]

I forgot to ask my T if she was going out-of-town on her vacation until the end of the session. I should have guessed. She's going to another country with her boyfriend. I immediately felt sad. We only had a couple of minutes to talk but we walked out together. First, there's the part that she's going away and I worry she'll die. She said she'll be back but if she dies I'll be all right. I said I would cry and cry. She said she would cry if I died too.

Second is I don't want her going with that guy! I told her I want her to have a good time and I'm glad she's happy but it makes me sad. She said I'll have a man too, if I want, in the future. I said it's about sex, that it means she's having it, but she ignored me when I said that. We were walking out the door.

I don't know what it's about. I always hated when she traveled. I know some of my feelings are transference. I know the child part doesn't want her to be with a man. She wants her to herself! I think that's it, more than her adult self going on vacation with a guy. But I do worry about her being safe. She says she could die any time. True but I have a fear of people, including myself, going on long trips.

It hurts me. She's not going until Saturday so I can email her. I know it's okay to cry but I am trouble doing that too. I'm holding back.

I don't know what will help me or what I want from anyone here. I know I could cry, paint, do a million things like I tell others to do to get through the days. But first I want to figure out which part of me is upset the most. And why? Can anyone help? I know T isn't abandoning me. Like I wrote above, it SEEMS like it's about wanting T to myself. Mommy and child thing? Don't want her to be intimate with someone else, just me. Pathetic again, and I'm rambling. Guess It's about my H dying and needing T, but the child stuff is what hits me.

[AllHeart]

The child parts are sometimes a force to be reckoned with -- they are for me at least. Sorry you are suffering with this. It stinks!

I used to worry about my t dying while on vacation also. She told me that if she did die she would be sure to visit me as a ghost, often. I hear the dead people so that was actually of great comfort to me.

[Inner_Firefly]

I am not sure how to help but I can understand how you don't want her going with that guy, the sex thing, and worrying about her dying. Sounds like a bunch of feelings mixed together. You will sort them out eventually, please be gentle with yourself. I have felt all the above with my T's vacation too, and I still haven't figured out the answers. You are not alone

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by AllHeart

The child parts are sometimes a force to be reckoned with -- they are for me at least. Sorry you are suffering with this. It stinks!
I used to worry about my t dying while on vacation also. She told me that if she did die she would be sure to visit me as a ghost, often. I hear the dead people so that was actually of great comfort to me.

Thank you. You actually hear dead people? Wow! Yeah, the child part wants to be with T so badly. It hurts a lot.

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

I am not sure how to help but I can understand how you don't want her going with that guy, the sex thing, and worrying about her dying. Sounds like a bunch of feelings mixed together. You will sort them out eventually, please be gentle with yourself. I have felt all the above with my T's vacation too, and I still haven't figured out the answers. You are not alone

It helps to know I'm not alone. I thought I was over this but that child part apparently is NOT!! She doesn't want to
share T with a man! She doesn't want T having sex with him! She's sad and angry! On the other hand, I'm glad T is happy. She deserves it.

Sounds like you need to listen to the adult you on this one.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you. You actually hear dead people? Wow! Yeah, the child part wants to be with T so badly. It hurts a lot.

Yes, I actually hear dead people. I'm not like the Long Island Medium or anything, but it is some trippy-good shiz!

Really hope your hurt lessens quickly.

[JaneTennison1]

Is it that part of you hates that she has another someone in her life and that going away with this someone excludes you. You want to be a part of her life and this is a part that you can't be. Child you wants T all to herself, no sharing. It's maybe a good thing to write out and work through. Good luck.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Sounds like you need to listen to the adult you on this one.

Chris, I like and admire you very much, and I know you don't like parts or inner child work, but I'm finding your response to me critical rather than supportive. My T does believe in parts, and would never tell me to only listen to the adult me. If a child part of me has feelings, they are important. That these feelings recur from time to time means that I need to do some more work with them, not ignore them. My adult Self has compassion for the part who wants T for herself, and knows how strong those needs are. The goal is for my adult self to accept that part, which I have done. I know she's just a part of me.

I told my T that I was happy for her, and that I knew my feelings weren't about her and the present, but were probably about the past. She thought that was progress. Right now I'm accepting my sadness, sitting with my feelings, and realizing it's okay to feel this way. So maybe I AM listening to my adult Self after all.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Chris, I like and admire you very much, and I know you don't like parts or inner child work, but I'm finding your response to me critical rather than supportive. My T does believe in parts, and would never tell me to only listen to the adult me. If a child part of me has feelings, they are important. That these feelings recur from time to time means that I need to do some more work with them, not ignore them. My adult Self has compassion for the part who wants T for herself, and knows how strong those needs are. The goal is for my adult self to accept that part, which I have done. I know she's just a part of me.

I told my T that I was happy for her, and that I knew my feelings weren't about her and the present, but were probably about the past. She thought that was progress. Right now I'm accepting my sadness, sitting with my feelings, and realizing it's okay to feel this way. So maybe I AM listening to my adult Self after all.

No, not critical. (And I think by the end of this post you realized you are and need to do what I mentioned.) But sometimes when children get riled up about something, it is the job of the adults in their lives to talk them down off that ledge so to speak. If my child is upset about something and it is really upsetting them, I don't just let them continue to upset themselves if I can speak to them and work with them to help them calm down a bit and see things more clearly. It isn't about ignoring those feelings, but you know you have a more rational part of you that knows that your T is an adult going off to have fun and you are happy about that. That is what working with those child parts is all about -- not just letting them run the show -- but acknowledging them and the balancing them with the more rational adult mind.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Is it that part of you hates that she has another someone in her life and that going away with this someone excludes you. You want to be a part of her life and this is a part that you can't be. Child you wants T all to herself, no sharing. It's maybe a good thing to write out and work through. Good luck.

Yes, I think that's basically it. I know it's illogical, and T deserves a life with a new partner, complete with a physical relationship, of course. The adult me knows that. The child part doesn't know it. T has said to accept all my parts ( this is IFS language; I don't have DID). I need to talk to that part like a mother talks to a small child. Mommy loves you and just because she's away doesn't mean she stops loving you. She can love Daddy but has a special love just for you.

If I can write that, why am I crying?

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My T told me this week that the week after Christmas she is going out of town and it bothered me as well. I am always worried about her dying. I feel safe and so much better when I know she is in her office seeing other clients. I have had times where I wish I could be with her and no one else. I have the child side that wants T all to myself. I understand how you feel. I hope the pain and sadness gets better for you.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

No, not critical. (And I think by the end of this post you realized you are and need to do what I mentioned.) But sometimes when children get riled up about something, it is the job of the adults in their lives to talk them down off that ledge so to speak. If my child is upset about something and it is really upsetting them, I don't just let them continue to upset themselves if I can speak to them and work with them to help them calm down a bit and see things more clearly. It isn't about ignoring those feelings, but you know you have a more rational part of you that knows that your T is an adult going off to have fun and you are happy about that. That is what working with those child parts is all about -- not just letting them run the show -- but acknowledging them and the balancing them with the more rational adult mind.

Yes. You're right. The point of IFS is to accept all parts with compassion but don't let them run the show. The adult Self is the conductor of the orchestra. But my child part still wants to cry because she still hurts inside.

[AllHeart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes. You're right. The point of IFS is to accept all parts with compassion but don't let them run the show. The adult Self is the conductor of the orchestra. But my child part still wants to cry because she still hurts inside.

And sometimes during the process the child and other burdened parts do run the show and that's okay, too. It's easier said than done to let the Self, or the adult part, run the show when there are so many burdened parts that demand attention and care. Let your child part cry for whatever it is she needs to grieve for for a bit. If your Self is able to be there to offer compassion to the child part, great. If not, that's completely fine. Self will show up when it's good and ready.

[stopdog]

Is trigger the same as just being sad or is it something else?

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Is trigger the same as just being sad or is it something else?

This is a great question. I would like to know how people define a "trigger" for them. Do you hear/see/smell something and automatically flashback to some sort of abuse? I understand that sort of trigger.

One of my T's once told me that when your emotional reaction to an event was out of proportion to the actual event, chances are you have been triggered.

IE: My boss gives me my yearly review and its about 90% positive. All I see is the 10% that "needs improvement" and am quite upset about the review. I can only think about how awful I am, how people hate me...etc. Once I stand back from all of that, I can see that really, it was almost all positive, and there a couple things I could work on. My boss tells me that everyone likes me, and they think I'm doing great work.

But when I was "triggered (?? yes??), all I could think about was how awful I was.

Originally Posted by velcro003

This is a great question. I would like to know how people define a "trigger" for them. Do you hear/see/smell something and automatically flashback to some sort of abuse? I understand that sort of trigger.

For me, a trigger is something that sends me into a PTSD reaction (flashback, panic, or dissociation). It can be all manner of things that might set me off, but I don't consider myself truly "triggered" unless my response is in that realm of intensity. Other things may upset me, but I see that as part and parcel of life. Perhaps it is because I have had to deal with some really severe PTSD symptoms along the way, but I kind of distinguish between just being upset and actually being triggered. Thank goodness I haven't had that kind of triggered reaction in a while.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

For me, a trigger is something that sends me into a PTSD reaction (flashback, panic, or dissociation). It can be all manner of things that might set me off, but I don't consider myself truly "triggered" unless my response is in that realm of intensity. Other things may upset me, but I see that as part and parcel of life. Perhaps it is because I have had to deal with some really severe PTSD symptoms along the way, but I kind of distinguish between just being upset and actually being triggered. Thank goodness I haven't had that kind of triggered reaction in a while.

Yeah, that is what I think of when I think of "triggered," like it sets off some sort of PTSD reaction. I've never experienced that, so it always makes me wonder. It reminds me of the word of "trauma" thrown around in therapy. I banned that word from one T because I said that I never experienced any real trauma. Luckily, my current T doesn't throw around those kind of words.

Sorry Rainbow, back to topic.

Originally Posted by velcro003

Yeah, that is what I think of when I think of "triggered," like it sets off some sort of PTSD reaction. I've never experienced that, so it always makes me wonder. It reminds me of the word of "trauma" thrown around in therapy. I banned that word from one T because I said that I never experienced any real trauma. Luckily, my current T doesn't throw around those kind of words.

Sorry Rainbow, back to topic.

I think the word "triggered" gets thrown around too, but I understand it is a word that means something different to some people and don't fret too much about it. For myself, it has been necessary to distinguish between truly being triggered into a PTSD reaction as opposed to just being upset about something. I had to learn to sort of classify my reactions in order to learn to manage my symptoms and discern what skills I need to use to get through my reactions depending on their severity. Not everyone deals with that kind of range of reaction, and i understand that.

I think your T would do best to direct your worries back to their source for you to see

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes, I think that's basically it. I know it's illogical, and T deserves a life with a new partner, complete with a physical relationship, of course. The adult me knows that. The child part doesn't know it. T has said to accept all my parts ( this is IFS language; I don't have DID). I need to talk to that part like a mother talks to a small child. Mommy loves you and just because she's away doesn't mean she stops loving you. She can love Daddy but has a special love just for you.

If I can write that, why am I crying?

Rainbow, it seems like you know in your head what you need to do -- basically exactly what Chris suggested -- but it's still really hard. You mentioned this being partly about your H, which maybe it is, but what you write above makes me wonder about your mom, too. If I recall correctly, you felt you needed more from her in some ways. I wonder if this is a loss you are still needing to grieve.

It's hard to find the boundary between acknowledging the feelings and letting them take over. I don't know where that is for you, so I don't feel like I can really tell you what to do here. I do think it might be healthy, though, to focus some of your energy on something else (like painting!). It's not good to ignore feelings, but if you've mulled it over all you can and the feelings are taking over, it's not a bad thing to redirect them. Perhaps this is good inspiration for your painting?

The tough thing about childhood-related feelings is that you can only go so far with them, really. I wonder if your tears are writing the above are about knowing you need to accept things and move forward, but that's really hard to do -- it's difficult to securely internalize those feelings of being loved, as much as you really really need to, and would be so much easier if someone would just reaffirm them all the time.

It does sound like you are trying to do what you need to do -- treat your child self like a mother would -- but are still feeling hurt. So again, maybe don't bang your head against a wall. It'd be great if there was some way for me to always settle what's going on in my head, but in reality sometimes I can't. Writing is usually my expressive medium of choice, and I'll turn to that as an outlet. I think you may need to find a way to externalize some of this, rather than staying in your head.

In my opinion, all that you're going through with your thoughts are a part of the process of therapy, especially the modality your therapist uses. You have just experienced the loss of your h, it's the holiday season, and now your therapist is going away "with some man". That child part doesn't know what to do with herself, and is screaming for safety and security. It usually winds it way back to MOTHER. Good thing your cognizant (your adult self), is trying things to sooth her...and may succeed somewhat or totally. Your therapist will be there if you need more. All a part of the process, and you and your therapist get that. Lucky you!

My condolences to you rainbow.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Is it that part of you hates that she has another someone in her life and that going away with this someone excludes you. You want to be a part of her life and this is a part that you can't be. Child you wants T all to herself, no sharing. It's maybe a good thing to write out and work through. Good luck.

Thanks, Jane. That sounds correct.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

My T told me this week that the week after Christmas she is going out of town and it bothered me as well. I am always worried about her dying. I feel safe and so much better when I know she is in her office seeing other clients. I have had times where I wish I could be with her and no one else. I have the child side that wants T all to myself. I understand how you feel. I hope the pain and sadness gets better for you.

Thank you for understanding, Cinnamon. That's exactly how I feel.

Originally Posted by AllHeart

And sometimes during the process the child and other burdened parts do run the show and that's okay, too. It's easier said than done to let the Self, or the adult part, run the show when there are so many burdened parts that demand attention and care. Let your child part cry for whatever it is she needs to grieve for for a bit. If your Self is able to be there to offer compassion to the child part, great. If not, that's completely fine. Self will show up when it's good and ready.

You sound like you're familiar with IFS, AllHeart. Are you? I'm letting that child part cry like you suggested and it does help to accept her sadness. I wasn't expecting this part to reappear, but then T hasn't gone away with a man for a long time, at least not that I'm aware of.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Is trigger the same as just being sad or is it something else?

Good question. I'm not sure. I apologize to all but I use trigger to mean "it stirred up feelings for me, upset me, not necessarily sad." I don't even know where I learned the word. Maybe from PC!

Originally Posted by velcro003

This is a great question. I would like to know how people define a "trigger" for them. Do you hear/see/smell something and automatically flashback to some sort of abuse? I understand that sort of trigger.

One of my T's once told me that when your emotional reaction to an event was out of proportion to the actual event, chances are you have been triggered.

IE: My boss gives me my yearly review and its about 90% positive. All I see is the 10% that "needs improvement" and am quite upset about the review. I can only think about how awful I am, how people hate me...etc. Once I stand back from all of that, I can see that really, it was almost all positive, and there a couple things I could work on. My boss tells me that everyone likes me, and they think I'm doing great work.

But when I was "triggered (?? yes??), all I could think about was how awful I was.

It's sort of like that but I don't have flashbacks to anything. Maybe for me its preverbal because it doesn't make sense for me to be so upset by T being with a man.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

For me, a trigger is something that sends me into a PTSD reaction (flashback, panic, or dissociation). It can be all manner of things that might set me off, but I don't consider myself truly "triggered" unless my response is in that realm of intensity. Other things may upset me, but I see that as part and parcel of life. Perhaps it is because I have had to deal with some really severe PTSD symptoms along the way, but I kind of distinguish between just being upset and actually being triggered. Thank goodness I haven't had that kind of triggered reaction in a while.

I used trigger in a more general way, kind of like I use depressed. I meant that I was very upset in an illogical way.

Originally Posted by velcro003

Yeah, that is what I think of when I think of "triggered," like it sets off some sort of PTSD reaction. I've never experienced that, so it always makes me wonder. It reminds me of the word of "trauma" thrown around in therapy. I banned that word from one T because I said that I never experienced any real trauma. Luckily, my current T doesn't throw around those kind of words.

Sorry Rainbow, back to topic.

It's okay, velcro. Made me think I should be more careful with my language. But my DBT T thought I do have PTSD, and my T insists I have trauma in my past, though I keep trying to deny it. She says it could be birth trauma. She doesn't say it much though, and she never talks about my diagnosis. I might ask her about PTSD and see what she thinks.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I think the word "triggered" gets thrown around too, but I understand it is a word that means something different to some people and don't fret too much about it. For myself, it has been necessary to distinguish between truly being triggered into a PTSD reaction as opposed to just being upset about something. I had to learn to sort of classify my reactions in order to learn to manage my symptoms and discern what skills I need to use to get through my reactions depending on their severity. Not everyone deals with that kind of range of reaction, and i understand that.

Thank you for explaining.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I think your T would do best to direct your worries back to their source for you to see

She tries but I'm not sure what the source is. Maybe preverbal. I don't think my mother ever left me. I was attached to her and had trouble with separation. Was alone in the incubator but only for a couple of weeks.

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Rainbow, it seems like you know in your head what you need to do -- basically exactly what Chris suggested -- but it's still really hard. You mentioned this being partly about your H, which maybe it is, but what you write above makes me wonder about your mom, too. If I recall correctly, you felt you needed more from her in some ways. I wonder if this is a loss you are still needing to grieve.

It's hard to find the boundary between acknowledging the feelings and letting them take over. I don't know where that is for you, so I don't feel like I can really tell you what to do here. I do think it might be healthy, though, to focus some of your energy on something else (like painting!). It's not good to ignore feelings, but if you've mulled it over all you can and the feelings are taking over, it's not a bad thing to redirect them. Perhaps this is good inspiration for your painting?

The tough thing about childhood-related feelings is that you can only go so far with them, really. I wonder if your tears are writing the above are about knowing you need to accept things and move forward, but that's really hard to do -- it's difficult to securely internalize those feelings of being loved, as much as you really really need to, and would be so much easier if someone would just reaffirm them all the time.

It does sound like you are trying to do what you need to do -- treat your child self like a mother would -- but are still feeling hurt. So again, maybe don't bang your head against a wall. It'd be great if there was some way for me to always settle what's going on in my head, but in reality sometimes I can't. Writing is usually my expressive medium of choice, and I'll turn to that as an outlet. I think you may need to find a way to externalize some of this, rather than staying in your head.

Thank you for replying, Sally. A lot of what you say rings true. My Mom overprotected me so maybe I'm still grieving her death, though I was an adult at the time. I'm painting a lot, and crying. Some is grief about my H, what we had and what we didn't have. It's all mixed up in my mind. I used to have the same reaction when T went away with her H. It's something to explore more. I have a lot to keep me busy in the meantime.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Walkedthatroad

In my opinion, all that you're going through with your thoughts are a part of the process of therapy, especially the modality your therapist uses. You have just experienced the loss of your h, it's the holiday season, and now your therapist is going away "with some man". That child part doesn't know what to do with herself, and is screaming for safety and security. It usually winds it way back to MOTHER. Good thing your cognizant (your adult self), is trying things to sooth her...and may succeed somewhat or totally. Your therapist will be there if you need more. All a part of the process, and you and your therapist get that. Lucky you!

My condolences to you rainbow.

Thank you! It makes sense that it's about wanting my mother. My T acts like a mother, giving me love and support, and encouragement. But she does it without the anxiety my Mom exhibited. I lost my mother. I lost my husband. I'll be devastated if I lose T. I'm so afraid she'll die.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Yes. You're right. The point of IFS is to accept all parts with compassion but don't let them run the show. The adult Self is the conductor of the orchestra. But my child part still wants to cry because she still hurts inside.

I know you and your T are big fans of the "parts" therapy, but it seems your child parts are making you go round and round in circles. For years now. And in some aspects, it seems to be getting worse, with you focusing on the unmet needs, which get twisted to a degree they cannot be fullfilled in satisfactory way.

And maybe some stuff that is problem of your adult self (having crush on T) is blamed on the child part. I sense STRONG sexual undertones through your posts, caring about how T looks, obsessing about her partners, jealousy... maybe it's not your "child part". Maybe it is you, as you are now. If years of dealing with "child part" needs haven't seen any progress, maybe it would be good to focus on the adult you.