[RedSun]

Okay, I've been thinking about therapy, T, stuff....
And I think I've had a bit of a lightbulb moment...

And, apologies, I feel like I've flooded the forum a bit recently....

As some of you know, and have been really supportive with, I have been struggling recently telling stuff to my T, specifically at the moment something bad that I do....also, over the past year I've had a lot of 'memories' (I have to use the quotes because I still don't feel I can say it's all real) come up which have just disabled me. About

*trigger*

Csa.
So, I think I've realised the issue for me is not actually the stuff that's come up, although that's awful, or the stupid ways I cope when I feel down...

It's that, I can't say to T, I feel bad, I need help, maybe it's because of what happened...
Because my absolute fear, and it's making it hard to type now, is that she will say 'well, I doubt it's just that unimportant stuff' or 'it wasn't that bad, you're making a big thing out of this' or ' others have had it so much worse, you're being selfish/a drama queen'

That's what is paralysing me, and keeping me playing these stupid games with T, leading her, being manipulative, getting HER to say it and name it, then acting shocked...

I'm scared that I'll finally own what happened and she will say it didn't matter. I'm making it all about me.

Wow, it's taken a long time to get here, and pull all the pieces together to write that.
Anyone else have similar thoughts? Or anyone have suggestions of how to go on from here? Or, anyone think actually I'm right, I am a drama queen and should get over myself

[ChavInAHat]

First. No you are not a drama queen. From everything that I've read from you, that's not the impression I get.

I can't see (an ethical) T saying any of those things, although totally get where that fear comes from.

Every person has their own crap and it shouldn't be compared to other people. And what you take into T is obviously important to you.



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[granite1]

morning redsun i dont realy know how to make talking to a T any easier or more comfortable but i do know that you are not a drama queen at all

why do you say you are manipulative .can you maybe look at things in a different way . look at it as you doing what you can in the only way you know how . like instead of you saying you are manipulative or leading . see it through your T eyes saying you are leading her in a direction that can help you in what ever way you can to move forward. as far as acting shocked when she says the words for you (that you cant) maybe take the word acting away.what your T is saying to you (those words) is shocking and although you may not be able to feel this way now i dont think it would be an inappropriate way to feel . .i would not look at any of what you are going through as a game .

maybe your experience has been different, but none of the T i have seen (except 1 and he really was a wack job) has used the term being manipulative with me . i have had family, friends, mental health workers other then T. call me manipulative . especially because i couldnt speak to people. i was constantly told i was being manipulative ,that i could talk to people if i wanted,i was being manipulative soliciting attention because of my behaviors. told im not going to get it because im being manipulative . i bought into it and still i couldnt bring myself to speak to people on a regular basis . instead i had the same kind of response. driving myself crazy wondering why i was always playing this game for the longest time it never accrued to me it really was a problem and NOT JUST A GAME . although i wouldnt speak i sure did get my point across with behaviors .

it is hard when your feelings dont seem to match what is going on or what is being said it can make all of it seem so unreal . at least i know that is how it is for me . i know im not saying what i want very well but i hope you can understand some . one of my most favorite sayings these days is

the worst battle i will ever fight is between what i know and what i feel.

im sorry if all this ranting is way off base it is all meant to be helpful and im sorry you are going through this

[Out There]

Originally Posted by ChavInAHat

First. No you are not a drama queen. From everything that I've read from you, that's not the impression I get.

I can't see (an ethical) T saying any of those things, although totally get where that fear comes from.

Every person has their own crap and it shouldn't be compared to other people. And what you take into T is obviously important to you.



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I also get that fear feeling. Comparing is not good and I had a T say its not what has happened to other people and how they feel its whats happened to you and how you feel.

[AllHeart]

Thank you for writing/expressing this, RedSun. You can and should make this all about you, because it is. It needs to be all about you in order to heal. And you certainly do not come off as being a drama queen in the least.

Since you struggle being able to speak certain things to your t, might I suggest simply printing off a copy of your post here and handing it over to your t? From what I recall, your t is genuinely good-hearted, caring, and professional. I cannot imagine your t saying these things to you though I do understand your fears. My t tells me that resistance is a good indicator that we are trying to do something right. Find a way to let your t know what is going on so you can continue to move in the right direction of healing.

[RedSun]

Thanks, and yes, allheart, that's a good idea. I will try and write out what I posted here and give/read it to T. I feel like something's moving now and I feel brave. I want to get on with this. t said in last session 'we need to start healing'. I still can't think that I deserve to heal, but hey, I'll try it anyway!

Granite, thanks, your post made lots of sense. And I think for me, the battle is between what I know, and what I tell myself....

[laxer12]

I experienced some childhood trauma and I told T so many times that it wasn't a big deal and tried to blow it off. But to me, it is a big deal because I think about it a lot. Every single time my T would respond with "if it's a big deal to you, it's a big deal and it's important to talk about". It doesn't matter if someone else had it worse, you were hurt and that's all that's really all that matters. You deserve a chance to talk about it and get some closure or resolution (whatever you want to call it).

Maybe think of it this way, when you're hungry, you eat something to satisfy that need. Just because there are people in the world who have no food and go days without eating, doesn't mean your hunger isn't important and that you shouldn't eat. That's an over-simplified way of thinking about it but it's really the same thing when dealing with something like this. Just because someone may have had it worse doesn't mean that you don't need to work through it for yourself and give yourself what you need.

But no matter the extent to which it occurred, CSA is always important. And like others have said, no ethical T would EVER downplay that experience.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by laxer12

But no matter the extent to which it occurred, CSA is always important. And like others have said, no ethical T would EVER downplay that experience.

I think is and can be if someone thinks it is. I don't think it is always. My own csa, for example, was not a big deal nor important. I think therapists usually over play it rather than underplay it - in my experience with them.

[laxer12]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think is and can be if someone thinks it is. I don't think it is always. My own csa, for example, was not a big deal nor important. I think therapists usually over play it rather than underplay it - in my experience with them.

That's fair. I probably should have said that it's always important if someone thinks/feels it's important.

[growlycat]

My long term T had two parents who survived Auschwitz so for the longest time I felt like my past, my pain, was insignificant in comparison. So I didn't tell him lots of stuff for a very long time.

I wish I could remember exactly what he said to me to convince me that my pain was important too. Somehow he did. Anyone I have ever talked to with CSA or neglectful childhoods has either worried that they are making a big deal of it or like stop dog really believe it is not as big a deal as T makes it. All those responses seem common but doesn't make them accurate necessarily.

[bolair811]

I got chills reading your post... I have struggled with those exact same thoughts when I wanted to tell my T about CSA. I was so worried that he would think I was making nothing into something, that I was being a baby or that it wasn't what I thought it was, or that I might have wanted it to happen. The main reason I had such a hard time telling him was that I just knew he wouldn't want to be my T anymore. He would think I was a freak and a terrible awful person and that I was beyond help. It took me MONTHS of reassurances by him that he wasn't going to abandon me, and then many sessions of dancing around the subject, throwing out crumbs, and hoping he would take the bait, but finally, I told him in an e-mail that I needed to talk to him about something really scary but that I needed him to bring it up in our next appointment because I would chicken out. And that I needed to know that no matter what it was that he wouldn't reject me or think I was a terrible person. That method helped me a lot... giving him a heads up in an e-mail and asking for as much reassurance as you need. I can't imagine that any therapist worth their salt would ever diminish your experiences, no matter what they were! Even if you told him/her that you overslept by 5 minutes and only got to work 10 minutes early instead of 15. If it's upsetting to you, it's NOT small. And CSA IS NEVER SMALL. Sending hugs if you want them.

[yagr]

Whatever doubts you have, you know the fear you have is very real. Taking even one step forward, in the face of fear, is an act of bravery. I am in the presence of a peaceful warrior.

[RedSun]

That's a lovely thing to say. Thank you.
I am feeling a bit stronger now I know what I need to do.
But I am so scared.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by RedSun

That's a lovely thing to say. Thank you.
I am feeling a bit stronger now I know what I need to do.
But I am so scared.

It's normal to be scared. Just push through it. It's okay.

"All shall be well," remember? Love and compassion exist.

[Out There]

Originally Posted by growlycat

My long term T had two parents who survived Auschwitz so for the longest time I felt like my past, my pain, was insignificant in comparison. So I didn't tell him lots of stuff for a very long time.

I wish I could remember exactly what he said to me to convince me that my pain was important too. Somehow he did. Anyone I have ever talked to with CSA or neglectful childhoods has either worried that they are making a big deal of it or like stop dog really believe it is not as big a deal as T makes it. All those responses seem common but doesn't make them accurate necessarily.

I recently worked with a trauma T who works with people who have been - possible trigger - tortured. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life to do so and will always be with me. That what has happened to people and their pain is real and valid. And how trauma is held by the body.