I'm really struggling. Today is my session with T1 and I've been crying on and off all day. I saw T2 yesterday and realized during our discussions that I can't keep up with this facade any longer. It hurts too much. I'm a very avoidant person by nature so facing him and telling him how I REALLY feel? I can't. I just can't. Every time I think about telling him I get sick. I've already vomited a few times today.

I am very sad and very lonely. Instead of sexualizing the relationship, I just wanted him to care about me. Or, if his feelings were reciprocal, he should just tell me, so I can deal with it, instead of playing that stupid seduction game with the photos I show him. I can't do it anymore. I can't live in limbo land. I thought about cancelling tonight but realize maybe I shouldn't. I'd have to pay a cancellation fee, so I might as well go. I don't know how to talk to him. I can't do it. I'm very afraid of him and his reactions. He's backed me into a corner and I can't get out. The one thing WE need to talk about is the one thing that cannot get talked about. I know my feelings for him make him uncomfortable...so why the photos? Why is he doing this? I'm so obsessed with the why. If he were anyone else, I could have a normal conversation, but let's be real, that power differential is huge. Of course I would be afraid, right?

Are you thinking of terminating with him tonight? I know it's tough but I also think you have the opportunity to gain a lot of self-respect if you take the initiative and stop him from being able to abuse your trust any longer.
It concerns me that you are afraid of his reactions and worried about him backing you into a corner. It certainly isn't usual to have that level of fear towards your therapist.
If you are thinking of terminating and are scared he might manipulate you in person, I would recommend cancelling the session and terminating in writing. If you wish to go, then please keep in mind that he has not acted in a way that values you as his client or as a person and he has been consistently abusive towards you for his own selfish reasons.
There will be a period of loss for you no doubt, but with distance and good therapy you have a chance to heal from this abusive relationship. Good luck.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Are you thinking of terminating with him tonight? I know it's tough but I also think you have the opportunity to gain a lot of self-respect if you take the initiative and stop him from being able to abuse your trust any longer.
It concerns me that you are afraid of his reactions and worried about him backing you into a corner. It certainly isn't usual to have that level of fear towards your therapist.
If you are thinking of terminating and are scared he might manipulate you in person, I would recommend cancelling the session and terminating in writing. If you wish to go, then please keep in mind that he has not acted in a way that values you as his client or as a person and he has been consistently abusive towards you for his own selfish reasons.
There will be a period of loss for you no doubt, but with distance and good therapy you have a chance to heal from this abusive relationship. Good luck.

But then thinking of terminating with him tonight also makes me feel sad. You know, so final. Like I would never see him again. I'm sure you guys think I shouldn't even want to. And sometimes I don't. I feel like he doesn't understand me or where I'm coming from. And I don't want him to blame me for what has happened. I'm scared that he will deny things and make it seem like it was all my idea. Maybe some of it was, but certainly not all. I just can't let him know that he has THIS much of an emotional effect on me.

I understand very well. I shed so many tears when I decided to leave T1. In spite of all the hurt in the relationship, the biggest pain was realising there was no therapeutic value left and I owed it to myself to leave. After I terminated I spent many months protecting him,grieving for him, googling him and warning T2 not to say anything critical about him. I was painfully attached and it hurt.
Then something moved. I can't put my finger on why but I started to become angry with him for the way he had acted and felt short changed for the time I spent in therapy. Eventually that anger faded and so did the attachment. It's been 18 months since I saw T1 and although I still clearly remember the pain it caused, I have no regrets and feel far emotionally healthier now.
So it will hurt. Forever is a long time winenot. But you do owe it to yourself to take care of yourself and remove yourself from this toxic situation. He is highly unethical, a manipulative control freak who clearly struggles to find sexual satisfaction in his real life (gotta ask yourself why that is). The reason he is using you is because he can, and because, I'm sorry to say, he doesn't give a damn about you. You are left with all the hurt and it's so sad to see. That is what makes it abuse.

Gentle hugs to you, winenot3. You deserve so much better than our T1.

[missbella]

I think all that stuff...reasons why, the narrative, the blame aren't even relevant. The important thing is getting away from the turmoil and damage. Of course there's a push-pull. But the case you make here weighs strongly around the harm and upset. ...Maybe if you re read your posts. If all was well, this wouldn't even be a topic.

When I left it was so difficult to "disobey" authority, yet be the adult in the room. It was an important step toward my autonomy.

I'm devastated after tonight's session. Also, I got in a minor car accident tonight so that really didn't help matters. So I already walked in with a ****** attitude. I tried to be as honest as I could about the pictures, and he agreed that it wasn't right. I told him it felt weird but good at the same time but also the worst part, confusing. I tried to pour out my soul to him tonight, but then I kept getting angrier and angrier with his responses. He told me that I'm not the only client that finds him attractive and that another girl struggled with this so bad she had to get another therapist. I was SO upset with him telling me that that I IMMEDIATELY shut that topic down. He said he was just trying to "normalize" my situation. I thought he was being an asshole. He kept blaming me the whole time because of my hostility. I kept asking why he was being so mean to me tonight. I even tried to get inside his head and psychoanalyze him and he told me to knock it off and that I'm not the therapist. I told him I wanted to see his sensitive side and figure out why he is the way he is. I'd do a better ****ing job than him. HE WILL NOT ADMIT HIS AVERSION TO ME. I KNOW his walls are up because of this whole thing and he treats me like ****ing crap for it. I told him how I wanted hugs and to be wanted and cared for. I've seen him hug other clients! He doesn't want to touch me. I told him that he likes his other clients better than me. Well, obviously he does. I'm sure he just LOVES that other girl. I should have asked him if he looks at her naked pictures too but I'm afraid I would have gotten slapped for my mouth (not actually, but verbally). When he asked me if I wanted to schedule another session, I just said "I don't know." He tried to leave with encouraging words and all I said was, "Whatever," and slammed the door.

I hate my life. He told me he knows me better than anyone. He doesn't know me at all.

Edited to include: He also kept reiterating "it's never gonna happen between me and you." After awhile I was so pissed I was like YEAH I KNOW, STOP SAYING THAT. What I should have said? "If it's 'never gonna happen' as you say, then you had no right to look at my pictures just for your own pleasure and gain." Way to ****ing toy with me, asshole. I'm seriously seething with hate. I accused him of using me tonight and he said that was absolutely not true. And that also his interest in my photos is because he is an avid professional photographer on the side and really loves the "arts." How convenient, you guys!

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by winenot3

I'm devastated after tonight's session. Also, I got in a minor car accident tonight so that really didn't help matters. So I already walked in with a ****** attitude. I tried to be as honest as I could about the pictures, and he agreed that it wasn't right. I told him it felt weird but good at the same time but also the worst part, confusing. I tried to pour out my soul to him tonight, but then I kept getting angrier and angrier with his responses. He told me that I'm not the only client that finds him attractive and that another girl struggled with this so bad she had to get another therapist. I was SO upset with him telling me that that I IMMEDIATELY shut that topic down. He said he was just trying to "normalize" my situation. I thought he was being an asshole. He kept blaming me the whole time because of my hostility. I kept asking why he was being so mean to me tonight. I even tried to get inside his head and psychoanalyze him and he told me to knock it off and that I'm not the therapist. I told him I wanted to see his sensitive side and figure out why he is the way he is. I'd do a better ****ing job than him. HE WILL NOT ADMIT HIS AVERSION TO ME. I KNOW his walls are up because of this whole thing and he treats me like ****ing crap for it. I told him how I wanted hugs and to be wanted and cared for. I've seen him hug other clients! He doesn't want to touch me. I told him that he likes his other clients better than me. Well, obviously he does. I'm sure he just LOVES that other girl. I should have asked him if he looks at her naked pictures too but I'm afraid I would have gotten slapped for my mouth (not actually, but verbally). When he asked me if I wanted to schedule another session, I just said "I don't know." He tried to leave with encouraging words and all I said was, "Whatever," and slammed the door.

I hate my life. He told me he knows me better than anyone. He doesn't know me at all.

Jerk. Big jerk.

[Waterbear]

As above. Don't schedule if you feel so bad about it all and think that T2 can help you through this. Look after yourself.

I think you're amazing for doing this and talking about it at last with him. Well done for that! I haven't been that brave.

I agree with the others - if T2 can carry you, now is the perfect time to cut T1 free.

Winenot3, you are really brave for trying to talk with him on this, and it is really terrible that he kept deflecting and demeaning you.

It sounds to me that he's going into defensive mode because he's scared you'll report him. Gaslighting you even. "I know you better than anyone else", blaming your hostility, "I'm normalising it" these are words of manipulation. He figures if he can keep you as a client and keep gaslighting you, there is less chance of risk to his career.
There is nothing normal about him looking at your photos. If it's all about the art why did he suggest a vibrator? It's hardly the most artistic addition I can think of.
I know it's a shock to you to hear there are other clients he behaves this way with but actually this is quite usual with therapists who sexually abuse their clients. He is a predator, plain and simple and I really hope you have the strength not to return, and eventually, when you are emotionally ready, to report him.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

It sounds to me that he's going into defensive mode because he's scared you'll report him. Gaslighting you even. "I know you better than anyone else", blaming your hostility, "I'm normalising it" these are words of manipulation. He figures if he can keep you as a client and keep gaslighting you, there is less chance of risk to his career.
There is nothing normal about him looking at your photos. If it's all about the art why did he suggest a vibrator? It's hardly the most artistic addition I can think of.
I know it's a shock to you to hear there are other clients he behaves this way with but actually this is quite usual with therapists who sexually abuse their clients. He is a predator, plain and simple and I really hope you have the strength not to return, and eventually, when you are emotionally ready, to report him.

I agree with everything that Echos said (and the previous posters, too). I also think you're very brave for talking about this. He's probably not used to clients challenging him, so he got defensive. And the thing about wanting to see your pictures because of the art aspect is such total BS! Would he have asked you every week if you had new landscape photos?

It's good you're feeling anger now--try to hold on to that feeling in your mind. It will make it easier to break away from him (as opposed to sadness). Hold off on making another appointment with T1, even if you start to feel differently in a few days. Try just seeing T2 for a bit. See how that goes. Because it sounds like that T is actually helping, while T1 is just causing you pain and anger.

[Lauliza]

I think you should be very proud of yourself, winenot. Going to that session and saying all the things you did had to be done, and you are very brave! Remember one thing: this guy is more than just a creepy old perv, he sounds like a narcissist to me. He is delusional about himself in every ways. I'm willing to bet this other client left because of his behavior and not her feelings. That's just how he sees it. And if you terminate and he tells anyone you left he would tell them the same. It's not your feelings for him that have caused these problems, it's his behavior. He's just putting it back on you because he's delusional and he wants to protect himself in case you tell someone or file a complaint. He is a ****and you owe him nothing - no call, text or last session. If you can block his number it would be the best thing (though not as easy as it sounds, so I understand you might not). Do you think you can tell T 2 about this?

[Gavinandnikki]

PLEASE stop seeing him. It will hurt a lot initially, but it will resolve and then you can get some real therapy, if you choose.

He is poisonous.

[Bipolar Warrior]

Dear almighty Streisand, this guy is an absolute arsewipe! I'm glad you decided to confront him about everything that's been going on, and you are so brave for doing that, but it seems like he is never going to admit to any wrongdoing and I'm worried that if you keep seeing him you will just get more and more upset. The best thing you can do for yourself at this point is to walk away. I know it's going to be really hard, and possibly quite painful for a significant period of time, but in the long run you will be so much better off. You'll be healthier and happier, and you have another therapist who can help you as you recover from what this twat has done to you.

I have gone through my own emotional turmoil with my university therapist (and it continues, lol), but the main difference is that I can talk to her about it, and she'll listen, understand and apologise for her part in it. That's the way it should be. She doesn't judge me and never makes excuses; instead she maintains that she is at least partly responsible for whatever happens between us. You deserve someone like that as well. A disrespectful, patronising and gaslighting "therapist" is not a therapist at all. Please don't go back to this vile man, he is manipulative and awful and doesn't deserve you as a client.

[Favorite Jeans]

You know I think almost every major breakup comes with sadness, ambivalence and regret. Those feelings don't mean that the breakup is wrong or that there is anything worth salvaging about the relationship. It just means you have a capacity to love. I don't think you should be fooled into believing that your capacity to love this guy means that there is any good reason to continue to communicate with him. There isn't.

Closure is a myth. Stop looking for answers. If someone is hurting you does it really matter why? No, it matters that you are getting hurt. So whether he's a majorly unskilled therapist, hurting from some primal psychic wound or actually a psychopath is not your job to figure out. Who cares. He's bad. Your job is to recognize the abuse and get the [heck] away from him.

[divine1966]

What a jerk. Good for you telling him. Don't go back. He is so bad at his job that I can't believe he is still working!

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[missbella]

If he was all prepared with that "art photography" excuse for viewing the photos...that in itself is revealing. Hope you find some enjoyment and distraction this weekend. Wishes and cup of Peets. :-)

[bounceback]

Please get away from this guy. He is no good. Don't let him devalue you anymore.

[Bipolar Warrior]

It would be funny, though, as an experiment, to bring in photographs of literally anything else, and then ask him to look at those and make suggestions. Something really boring, like photographs of people's feet, or lamp posts, or fifty different photos of your friend's pet hamster.

But in all seriousness, I hope you never see this guy again.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Bipolar Warrior

It would be funny, though, as an experiment, to bring in photographs of literally anything else, and then ask him to look at those and make suggestions. Something really boring, like photographs of people's feet, or lamp posts, or fifty different photos of your friend's pet hamster.

But in all seriousness, I hope you never see this guy again.

I don't know about feet though. He might like those.

On a serious note he needs to be reported

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[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don't know about feet though. He might like those.

On a serious note he needs to be reported

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I was thinking the same about the feet!

[Bipolar Warrior]

Haha! I wasn't necessarily talking about bare feet. There could be shoes, or socks.

Hahaha omg you could find a friend with the ropiest skankiest feet, covered in hard skin and blisters and corns, and really hairy toes. Show him a photo of them