Struggling horribly in anticipation of session tonight.

lol I appreciate all of your sense of humor regarding this...yeah I wish I could show him pics of stuff like that, and see how he would react. Come to think of it, I sent him a landscape shot a few years ago and he didn't seem interested in the slightest. I think he's afraid of getting caught. We all know it's absolutely ********. I can't believe he insulted my intelligence like that. I felt the sexual tension in the air. He backpedaled on our text exchange from last time (where he referred to himself as my "dad"), and just said he was trying to be friendly, blah blah blah. If I do have the strength to go back, I would like to confront him and say that I'm not an idiot, and that I know he got just as much pleasure looking at my photos as I did showing him. What's so hard about admitting that? It's not like I'm expecting anything still, at this point. He's made it very obvious what he thinks of me. I hate that I'm so obsessed with tidy loose ends. I've been vomiting on and off all this past weekend and can hardly keep food down; I've been a complete nervous wreck about seeing him again, but know that I need to say goodbye in person or else I will never forgive myself. I want that hug. Saying goodbye via text seems so icy and I know I won't be satisfied with it. I just have to get through the next two weeks without killing myself in the process.

It sucks, throughout all how he has treated me, my love for him hasn't wavered. I care about him. I wish he could say the same for me...

What's in 2 weeks? Did you make another appointment with T1? Or do you seen T2 then? I'm thinking T2 could help you through this.

I know you may want to confront him in person, but I suspect he'll just find some way to turn it back on you and not take any of the blame himself. Like he did this most recent time. So you might just end up feeling worse...

At the end of this last session, T1 asked me if I wanted to schedule another appointment, and I dejectedly said, "I don't know." So he told me he would leave that one on the books and I can let him know earlier if I decide I don't want to go.

I do see T2 this Thursday though I might call him for an earlier appointment, as I am obviously struggling hard.

I see your point about confronting him, but if I do it in a gentle way instead of screaming and being accusatory, he might respond better. I know abuse victims hate being yelled at (he is an abuse victim from childhood), so that probably raised his defenses up exponentially. If he still denies things, then I'll tell him that I REALLY know what happened, and he can just live with knowing that. I won't report, but he can live with knowing he's a ****** person if he decides not to admit to the truth.

I'm sorry, but if he hasn't worked through his own issues and he actually lets them affect his clients, then he should not be practicing psychotherapy.

You should be able to yell at him, or stomp your feet, or accuse him of wrongdoing if you feel mistreated, without him getting defensive and putting all the blame on you. He should be able to take onboard the things you are saying, because it is YOUR session. You are paying for it, it's your time, and he has no right to impose his own problems on you. He is a really bad therapist. You should not have to accommodate his needs. It's pretty ironic that he made a big deal out of him being the therapist and you the client, because he certainly doesn't behave like he is.

Him being childhood abuse victim is neither there nor here. It's like if I started telling my students they can't do this or that because I had this and that in childhood. Inappropriate and irrelevant. He is in a professional position getting paid and it shouldn't be your job making sure he is all comfy. Sure no need to be aggressive but no need to put him first. It sounds like his needs come first yet he is the one who supposed to provide services to you.

And I call bs on his childhood abuse. Next he'll say it's his excuse for behaving inappropriately with you. Gee.

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WN, I know...different people different day.

But my therapists did by far the most damage to me when I tried to get myself understood by them, to be truthful with them, to let them know the damage they were doing. The more I tried to communicate, the more threatened, inflamed and destructive they became, using everything they knew about me to wound me.

Your guy definitely showed you he's unwilling to look at himself or be truthful about a blatant violation--those photos. That doesn't predict a good resolution.

I know well that urge to penetrate someone's rhino skin, to put a bow on it. That's what I tried to do. But from what you say, making that attempt puts you in the line of fire of this guy's incredible ego.

Therapists have advanced training in 1) Seeing a client's responses to them as pathology and "material" as opposed to a sane response to the therapist's bad behavior 2) Going into their default vending machine remote mode.3) Treating the client as the inferior sick one in contrast to them, the magnificent shamans.
When a therapist abandons his ethics, it's a rigged game trying to joust.

He will not admit anything to you because he knows he can be in trouble. He will deny everything and if you get mad at him he will say you are out of control and turn it on you. And certainly I suggest don't ask for hugs because he'll use it against you somehow ( saying you are after him or something). Just work with your new therapist on healing.

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But I don't plan on getting him in trouble. I could have reported him months ago about the pictures and never said a damn thing. As for the hugs, who knows. He hugs other clients, there is no reason he shouldn't hug me if it's the last time I'll ever see him. If he says no to a simple hug, then he is worse off than I thought. If it turns out he can't be honest with me regarding any of his feelings, then I'll call him a pathetic loser and walk off. I know the real truth, which is that he must have felt something for me or else he wouldn't have reacted this strongly or exaggeratedly! I wouldn't have carried this whole thing on this long if I didn't feel at least SOMETHING there.

Unfortunately he is not going to admit to anything now- he has his guard up and isn't going to waver and risk his career. You may not intend to report him, but a light seems to have gone on in his head and he is probably going to play it safe from this point on.

I think it will take a lot more strength for you to not confront him and just walk away. Try not to over think it and convince yourself that you need some sort of closure - he is not going to give you the response you are looking for and that closure you want may never happen. And don't worry for one second about being cold by breaking all contact. He's a therapist - it happens all the time and I bet even more so in his case. But more than that is the fact that his reaction is not your concern- your own emotional health is. If you go back you're giving him an opportunity to deny everything and make you question yourself. Why give him so much power?

I understand you don't want him in trouble. What do you mean by " feel something for me"? Like romantically or sexually or just general caring as a t?
Do you really think he'd admit he was watching those pictures for sexual pleasure or fun and not for therapeutic reasons ? He would never admit to that.

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I didn't talk about the photos in a threatening way at all, though. I just said it makes it hard because I want to be closer to him (naturally) because he has seen me naked, and that maybe he shouldn't be asking/I shouldn't be sharing. That's when he said I'm free to show him these pictures if *I* want to, and not when he asks. I said I was fine with that. The only thing he got weird about was why he was looking in the first place (which I never asked, by the way) I was just too anxious and upset to call him out on his excuse of him being a professional photographer on the side. If he were that worried about me reporting him, he shouldn't have told me he wanted to "**** me nasty" a year ago, nor have started with this photo stuff, nor keep me nearly 40 minutes extra after every session. I probably just caught him off guard, what with all my screaming, and it was the first time I ever decided to share my reaction about the photos. He probably just expected me to be well-behaved like always.

Then again, my analysis could be way off.

Well, when there was one photo straight up of my VAGINA only...what other excuse does he have? I could tell that he liked it as he was looking at it. I'm not an idiot. I have no doubt there is sexual attraction there, as he has directly told me so before, but maybe romantic, too. Obviously, like he said, he would never act on it, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I just want acknowledgement. We don't have to act on anything (even though I wish it).

He won't acknowledge it because he knows this whole thing was wrong. He thought you'd never report him because you never confronted him but when you did he will not acknowledge it. He will probably blame it on your obsession with him. I would not go back. But I understand you have hard time

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